TITLE: Something Beautiful Remains.
AUTHOR: carnaby.
RATING: K+.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or anything related to it, I'm just borrowing them for a short while, I promise to put them back when I'm finished.
SUMMARY: Derek lets people believe that adultery ended his marriage because the truth is too painful to remember. But now Addison is in Seattle he has no choice but to confront it. (AU)
PAIRING: Derek/Addison, Derek/Meredith, Mark/Addison.
ooo
tears will leave no stain
time will ease the pain
for every life that fades
something beautiful remains
ooo
now the darkness falls
sun's going down
one by one
the stars are coming out
ooo
1.
"Where's the mother?" Derek asked looking over the chart.
Addison leaned on the incubator, watching as Izzie Stevens comforted the tiny baby. "Gone. She stuck around long enough to get the kid strung out and then took off, nice huh?"
"Addison," Derek sighed.
Addison preempted his argument. "Derek I know it's a long shot, I know that."
"You told me you had a newborn with an invasive mass, you failed to mention that she's also premature, underweight and addicted to narcotics, there's no way that this baby is going to survive spinal surgery," he concluded, hating to say it but knowing that someone had to highlight the obvious.
"You don't know that," Addison countered, her voice distant and full of pain.
Oblivious Derek continued. "And is she does she's a mess, look she's got meningitis, seizures, and she's going to live a short and painful life."
"You don't know that," Addison argued.
"It's my job to know that," Derek insisted.
Addison looked up from the incubator. "You're not God Derek."
"Excuse me?" Derek angrily retorted.
"I'm sorry Honey but you're not, you don't get to decide-"
Derek cut her off. "Wait did you just call me Honey? Don't call me Honey."
"Fine," Addison agreed. "You're not God Doctor Shepherd, look if the patient has any chance at survival which I think she does then you have a responsibility-"
"Don't talk to me about responsibility-"
"You took an oath Derek-"
"And don't you dare talk to me about oaths-"
"Derek I messed up," Addison admitted. "People mess up."
Derek looked in her direction. "You slept with my best friend on my favorite sheets."
"The flannel sheets?" Addison questioned. "You hate the flannel sheets."
"No I love the flannel sheets," Derek argued.
Addison was not about to let him win. "No you like the Italian sheets with the paisley-"
"Will you just stop talking about the sheets," Derek sulked.
Unable to stand the tension any longer Izzie decided to speak up. "I'm sorry I'm just going to go, I'll go check on the labs."
Watching her leave Derek realized that he and Addison were alone together. "Addison don't do this," he said, hoping that she would pick up on the double meaning.
"Look Derek she's a fighter, look how far she's come already-"
"Don't get attached," Derek warned, sensing exactly where this was going after all they had been down this path before. "Don't get involved, don't make her life more painful than it already is," he finished; as the baby's tiny hands gripped his finger.
Addison watched as the baby held his hand. "Derek please? She has nobody; she needs somebody to fight for her."
"She's too far gone," Derek whispered, trying to ignore the painful memories that were threatening to overwhelm his sense of reason as he untangled his finger from her tiny digits. "You have to let her go. Let her go in peace"
Watching him leave Addison shook her head, clenching her fists tightly to quell the shaking in her hands. "Fine Derek, walk away, it's what you do best," she whispered to herself, unable to stop the tears from falling as she was left alone with the tiny baby, a baby who had no one in the world but her.
"Dr Shepherd?" Izzie questioned, when she walked back into the NICU to find her attending sat by the incubator, her thumb running small, soothing circles over the little-girl's head as her other hand rested on her stomach.
Addison removed her hand from the ventilator. "Dr Stevens, I should apologize for earlier, Derek and I it's … complicated."
"Are you ok?" Izzie asked, suddenly seeing the older woman in a different light as she took in the pain hidden deep within her crystal orbs.
Addison shook her head as her stomach rolled. "Yes … no … oh God … gonna be sick," she muttered as she ran from the NICU and straight into the restroom, falling to her knees she wretched violently, her whole body heaving as she brought up what little she had managed to eat that morning.
"Dr Shepherd?" Izzie called out as she entered the restroom to the sound of someone getting violently ill in the last stall.
Addison wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "I'm fine."
However the sound of yet more vomiting told the intern otherwise as dry heaves could be heard all around the restroom. "Ok … if you need anything…"
Izzie trailed off, she felt bad for leaving when there was clearly something wrong with the other woman but at the same time the last thing she wanted to do was invade her privacy.
Hearing the door shut Addison stumbled out of the bathroom, heading over to the sink she ran her wrists under the tap in an effort to cool herself down before reapplying her lipstick and heading back into the NICU.
"Are those her results?" Addison asked, completely ignoring what had just occurred.
Izzie handed them to her. "I don't think … it doesn't look good."
Reading the results Addison felt her heart drop. "She's got a resistant strain of pneumococcas, the antibiotics aren't working, you might want to get yourself reassigned Dr Stevens, I don't think we'll be operating today."
"So do you think Dr Shepherd was right?" Izzie asked.
Addison swallowed past the lump in her throat. "She's just too far gone," she sighed sadly, putting her little finger into the baby's open palm, her rings glittering under the lamps. "She does have a good grip," she observed, her voice trailing off as she tried not to picture another tiny hand resting in hers.
Izzie watched as Addison's eyes sparkled with unshed tears, her hand shaking slightly inside the incubator. "He's right … I shouldn't get attached."
"Dr-"
Addison shook her head, the last thing she needed was for the intern to see her fall apart and the news to make its way straight back to Meredith who would no doubt relay it to Derek. "You should speak to Bailey, have her reassign you to something that is surgical."
"Ok," Izzie agreed. "If you need an intern-"
"I'll page you," Addison promised, taking her hand out of the tiny infants hand she left some instructions with the NICU team before heading to Richard's office, when she had arrived in Seattle she had expected things to be different, she didn't know how but she had hadn't expected this. She needed to leave, get as far away from Seattle, Derek and his life without her as possible.
"So I'm leaving in the morning," Addison concluded as they walked away from the coffee cart and towards his office.
Richard shook his head. "No."
"Excuse me?" Addison frowned.
"No, I'm not accepting your resignation," Richard told her.
Addison smiled at him. "It's not a resignation Richard. It's notification as I don't officially work for you," she reminded him.
As they entered his office Addison sat down on the couch. "I came here for one case, I can track the twins progress from New York."
"What about the preemie?" Richard wondered.
Addison's eyes glazed other. "I'm letting go of the preemie, you know that. He calls me Satan, Richard."
"You don't like to hide from a fight," Richard reminded her.
"It's not a fight," Addison whispered. "He wins. I'm leaving in the morning."
Richard eyed her carefully he had known both Derek and Addison since before they were Derek and Addison, seeing the pain in her eyes broke him. "Addie; you and Derek have been through so much together, I know what happened with Mark was-"
"Wrong," Addison finished for him. "He'll never forgive me Richard."
"You forgave him," Richard reminded her, remembering back to one of the darkest times in his friend's life.
Addison licked her lips. "It's not the same. I slept with his best friend."
"I know and I'm not excusing what you did but you forget that you're talking to someone who knows everything that happened, he left you Addie, you were falling apart and he left," Richard remembered.
"That's not how it happened, I told him to leave," Addison breathed.
Richard watched her carefully. "That doesn't mean he had to listen."
"I told him I hated him," Addison added.
"You were hurting," Richard pointed out.
Addison nodded, looking down at her rings. "So was he. Look why are we even having this conversation? I'm leaving tomorrow and that's that."
"Addison as someone who cares about you I want you to something for me, I want you to make Derek listen, look I know you think he hates you but as clichéd as it sounds there really is a fine line between love and hate, he's only this angry because he loves you, you need to talk Addison, really, really talk and not just about what happened with Mark but about everything, what you and Derek went through is something people never recover from, what happened afterwards is … this doesn't have to be the end Addison, you and Derek have over a decade together, please don't throw that away without being sure," Richard pleaded.
"Then how come all he can remember is the hate?" Addison whispered.
Richard looked up, locking eyes with her. "Because that's how he's surviving, if he remembers everything else then … life gets a whole lot harder, talk to him Addie, be sure, if after talking you still want to leave then … you have my blessing."
"Ok," Addison agreed as her pager went off.
"It's the preemie," Addison said, jumping up and heading towards the NICU.
As Richard watched her leave he silently cursed Derek, a part of him could understand why Addison was letting everyone believe how black and white everything was because it was easier that way, because telling people the truth meant facing up to everything that had happened in New York and facing up to everything that happened meant opening their hearts to the pain they had closed it off to.
"You better pull yourself together Derek Shepherd," Richard sighed to himself, hoping that things worked out with Addison's preemie because he could see in her eyes that she was a lot closer to this case than she should be.
Enter the NICU Addison was immediately hit by the alarms sounding as doctors and nurses gathered around the newborns incubator. "What happened?
"She's got fluid on the brain," one of the neonatal doctors said, looking up from the cranial ultrasound. "We've already paged Dr Shepherd for a neurosurgical consult."
Addison walked over to the incubator, watching as the tiny little-girls body seized, her limbs twitching as her eyes rolled back in her head. "There's no point, she's not strong enough for surgery, make her comfortable, start an infusion of midazolam to stop the seizures and morphine for the pain …surgery will only prolong the inevitable."
There was a flurry of activity as the nurses and interns carried out Addison's instructions, taking the little-girls hand in hers she watched as the medicine was infused into her body, stopping the twitching as a sense of calm seemed to come over the infant.
"No one should die alone," Addison whispered.
Derek entered the NICU. "I was paged."
"My intern paged you because they thought she needed a shunt," Addison explained.
Derek looked at the image that was still paused on the ultrasound machine. "Hydrocephalus and intra ventricular hemorrhage?"
"It's not surgical, she's for supportive measures only, I started morphine and midazolam, she'll probably last-"
Derek watched as Addison struggled to finish that sentence, her eyes glazing over as she watched the tiny little body in the incubator rise and fall with each hiss of the ventilator.
"Addison-"
"There's nothing left for you to fix here Derek, you should go back to the patients you can save," Addison snapped, emotionally and physically drained.
Wordlessly Derek nodded, heading back out of the NICU where he bumped into Richard who stood by the nurses' station watching through the glass.
"Walking away?" Richard asked.
Derek turned to face the Chief and his long time friend. "She told me to go."
"Just because she tells you to leave it doesn't mean she wants you to listen," Richard sighed, remembering his earlier conversation with Addison. "In the next few hours that tiny little baby is probably going to die, do you really want Addison to go through that alone? I know you claim to hate her but I know you Derek this is not who you are."
"Rich-"
Richard held up his hand. "You need to be with her Derek, she should not be going through this alone."
"I have patients," Derek muttered. "Patients I can save," echoing Addison's earlier statement.
Richard watched Derek walk away. "Damn fool," he muttered under his breath as he turned his attention back to the NICU watching as Addison sat by the incubator, her eyes never leaving the tiny form.
Putting down the notes he washed his hands, heading into the NICU. "Addison?"
"I'm fine," Addison insisted, preempting his question.
Richard took a step further into the room, pulling a chair over and sitting next to her. "Fine. Really?"
"She's so tiny," Addison whispered. "It's not fair, something so small should not have to go through this she's innocent Richard, she did nothing to deserve this all she did was be born, the world is supposed to protect her but instead all it's done is cause her pain, she's not even been alive for 24 hours and she's already been through more than any person should ever have to endure, it's not fair Richard," Addison cried, letting her tears fall freely not caring who might see.
Pulling her into him Richard held her close, just like he had 7 month ago during the worst snowstorm New York had ever seen. "She has you fighting her corner."
"I couldn't save her," Addison whispered.
"Sometimes saying goodbye, letting someone know that it's ok to let go is the greatest act of love you can show someone," Richard said, trying to do whatever he could to ease her pain.
Addison untangled herself from him and looked up. "This isn't about-"
"Addison-"
"Please don't say it," Addison pleaded.
"Ok," Richard agreed.
Addison watched as he made himself comfortable in the chair. "I'm fine Richard."
"I know," Richard said. "But I'm still staying."
Addison leaned her head on his shoulder, grateful that she wouldn't be alone. "I love you Richard Webber, you know that right?"
"I know," Richard smiled, wrapping his arm around her.
Outside Derek wrapped his arms round himself as he watched Richard comfort his wife, leaning his head against the wall he watched as the monitor registering the newborns vital signs began to alarm before Addison silenced it and adjusted one of the infusions. Closing his eyes he remembered back to the darkest period of his life.
-GA-GA-GA-GA-
"What are you saying?" Derek asked as he sat opposite his sister.
Nancy swallowed a mouthful of water before speaking. "Addison has gone into end stage heart failure, the peripartum cardiomyopathy has progressed rapidly causing congestive heart failure and her lungs are filling with fluid which is making it difficult for us to ventilate her."
"So what happens now?" Derek asked.
"As you know the safest option is to deliver the baby, in most cases of PPCM symptoms reverse once the baby is delivered, but Addison was adamant that she wanted to carry to 32 weeks Derek," Nancy reminded him.
Derek looked through the window of the CCU where Addison lay unconscious her breathing supported by a ventilator as multiple infusions were pumped into her body in an effort to keep her alive as a separate monitor traced the stable heart rhythm of their unborn child, a stark contrast to the erratic rhythm that Addison's heart rhythm was showing.
"She's only 29 weeks, I need you talk to me doctor to doctor Nancy, does Addison have 3 weeks?" Derek demanded to know.
"We could try an LVAD device or ECMO to take over the work of her heart but the anticoagulation therapy required to minimize the risk of complications …the risks to Addison and the baby …"
Derek could hear what she was saying without her actually having to say the words out loud. "I could lose them both."
Nancy nodded. "Yes."
"If this wasn't Addison, if this was anyone else what course of treatment would you recommend?" Derek whispered his words barely audible over the beating of his heart.
"I would recommend delivery of the baby," Nancy admitted. "29 weeks is viable Derek, there's every chance that Addison and the baby will both survive but if we don't … if we continue with Hail Mary's then-"
Derek held his hand up, cutting her off. "Don't say it, please don't say it. If I do this, if I let you deliver the baby and we lose her … or him then … Addison will never forgive me."
"But she'll be alive," Nancy countered.
Derek nodded. "She'll be alive."
Nancy reached out and took his hand. "Derek no one could ever have predicted we would be here, when Addison made you promise things were looking good, the medication was working, her heart was coping … this is … this is a horrible situation but … time is not on our side, time is not on their side, the longer we wait the more we risk both of them."
"Ok," Derek breathed, his heart breaking at the decision he was making but he couldn't risk losing her, for more than10 years she had been his everything, the reason he woke up in the morning, even just the sound of her name made him smile and the idea of a life without her in it was something that he could not even begin to contemplate. "I'll sign… I need her to live Nancy … Even if she hates me I need Addison to be ok."
-GA-GA-GA-GA-
Jumping to his feet Derek dropped his coffee cup to the floor as Nancy entered the relative's room. "How are they?"
"Derek perhaps we should sit down," Nancy suggested taking off her scrub cap.
"No, no sitting," Derek insisted. "Please Nancy I just need you to tell me that they're ok."
Nancy sat down on the table, exhausted after 7 hours on her feet. "Addison is in the CCU, as soon as we delivered the baby we inserted bilateral chest drains to clear the fluidsfrom her lungs, it's early days but already her ventricular function appears to be improving."
"So she's ok?" Derek sighed, letting out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding.
"Like I said it's early days; she's still ventilated and on high dose inotropic support but it looks promising," Nancy said, needing to be honest with him.
Derek nodded running a hand through his hair. "And the baby?"
"You have a daughter," Nancy smiled.
"A daughter, a mini Addison," Derek whispered.
Taking a deep breath Nancy sat on her hands to calm the shaking before speaking, what she was about to do was probably one of the hardest moments of her career to date, a moment that she prayed she would never have to repeat. "Derek … the delivery was complicated, when she was born your daughter wasn't breathing and it took a long time for the team to get her heart beating again."
"But they got it beating again?" Derek responded his voice full of hope.
Nancy could hear the hope in her brother's voice. "Derek she was without oxygen for a long time, at the moment she's showing signs of extreme hypoxic brain injury; she's not breathing on her own or showing any signs that she ever will, her blood pressure is unstable and her heartbeat erratic, she has no kidney function and her clotting is deranged-"
"But she's alive right? That has to mean something?" Derek hoped.
"She's only alive because we're keeping her alive. Derek she has a machine breathing for her, medication keeping her blood pressure up and another doing the work of her kidneys, the neonatal team are still running tests but Derek it's unlikely that she will ever recover from this," Nancy informed him, unable to look up for fear of the complete devastation she would see on his face.
Derek practically collapsed into a chair. "But she could survive right?"
"I know earlier I said you needed to stop thinking like a doctor but you know what this means Derek," Nancy told him.
Running his hand over his face Derek let the tears fall. "You have to keep her alive Nancy, Addison cannot wake up to find her baby gone … she can't … this can't be how this ends … Addison she fought so hard to have this baby, it can't be for nothing … our daughter has to be ok."
-GA-GA-GA-GA-
64 hours, 3 minutes and 21 seconds after Addison had given birth to their daughter Derek found himself sat in the CCU cubicle, her hand clutched tightly in his as he looked up at the monitor, reassured by the steadily improving numbers.
"What's going on?" Derek asked as the team entered and started adjusting infusions.
The lead cardiologist on Addison's team stopped what he was doing and faced him. "We're weaning her sedation."
"You're waking her up?" Derek panicked.
The doctor nodded. "Her latest echo shows good function, she's maintaining her blood pressure with minimal inotropic support, her chest drains have been clear for 4 hours now."
"Are you sure?" Derek panicked, his brow creasing in concern.
"The longer we leave her on the ventilator the greater the risk, the positive pressure adds strain to her heart, extubation at the earliest possible opportunity is going to give her the best possible chance of recovery," the cardiologist explained.
Derek shook his head. "I know you're the expert but I don't think we should be doing this, I think we should give her more time … Addison she's been through so much already … I think we should let her sleep, she needs peace … quiet … time … she needs time."
Walking into the CCU Carolyn spotted her son on the verge of a panic attack. "Derek?"
"This room is for family only," the cardiologist said, trying to guide her back out.
Walking straight past him Carolyn ignored the cardiologist and walked over to the side of the room where Derek was almost manically pacing the length of Addison's bed.
"She's not ready," Derek muttered. "We shouldn't be doing this."
"What's going on?" Carolyn asked, turning her attention to the doctor.
The cardiologist adjusted the ventilator before speaking. "I told him we were going to wean the sedation and take her off the ventilator and-"
"Derek what is this really about?" Carolyn asked, sensing her son's distress was to do with something other than the doctors trying to wake Addison up.
"She's not ready," Derek repeated as if those three words were his mantra as his body sunk back into the chair.
Pulling a chair over and sitting opposite him Carolyn held his hands in hers as the medical team continued with what they were doing. "She's tough Derek, she's come so far in such a short space of time, this is good news Derek, Addison she's a fighter."
Leaning forward Derek placed his hand on top of Addison's, taking a series of deep breath to compose his thoughts as the medical team left leaving mother and son alone with the bleeping and clicking of the machines the only noise that filled the silence as Carolyn sat silently, waiting for Derek to speak.
"I thought I would have more time," Derek admitted, his voice shaking.
"More time for what?" Derek asked.
Derek looked down at his sleeping wife. "To make things right, I need to know that she's going to be alright before Addie wakes up. She can't wake up to this Ma, she can't wake up to find out that our daughter might never get the same chance."
"I know this is going to be hard son, the news that is waiting for Addison when she wakes up is something no mother should ever have to hear, ever. But if she wakes up and it's too late that is something she will never recover from, she needs to see her daughter Derek, whatever happens Addison needs that … she needs to get the chance to say goodbye," Carolyn softly told him, her heart breaking for everything her family was going through.
"How am I going to tell her?" Derek worried.
"You don't have to be the one to tell her, the doctors, Nancy-"
Derek shook his head. "I'm her husband, that little-girl is my daughter, it needs to be me."
"We're all here for you Derek," Carolyn vowed as she leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.
"I promised her Ma, I promised her that I would put the baby first but when it came down to it I couldn't do it I couldn't risk losing her so I broke my promise, I signed that consent form and I let them take our little-girl before she was ready," Derek sobbed.
Carolyn held her son tightly. "This is not your fault. None of this is your fault."
"I broke my promise," Derek said, his voice trembling as he leaned his head on the bed, needing to feel as close as possible to Addison before she woke up and he would have to tell her that all the hopes and dreams they had for the future were 2 floors down, living only with the help of machines and medication.
-GA-GA-GA-GA-
Sitting in the chair Derek watched as Addison breathed on her own for the first time in over 3 weeks, her face partially obscured by an oxygen mask as Nancy entered the room.
"How is she?" Derek asked, knowing she had just come from the NICU, over the last 4 days his family had been taking it in turns down there so that the little-girl was never alone.
"Her blood pressure is falling and we've maxed out on medication options, even with the filter toxins are building up in her body, her lungs are filling with fluid and her heart rate is erratic-"
Derek could read between the lines. "Is this the end?"
"There's only so much modern medicine can do," Nancy agreed.
"I need you to keep trying," Derek pleaded. "If she wakes up to find our baby gone … she needs to hold on … Addison needs the chance to say goodbye," he added, his heart breaking that he was talking about his wife saying goodbye to a daughter that she hadn't even yet met.
"I'll do everything I can," Nancy vowed and with the she left, leaving husband and wife alone.
Holding her hand up to his lips Derek closed his eyes, a single tear falling. "Addie … I know sleeping seems like a good idea right now and I know that after everything your body has been through you need it but our little-girl is really sick … she's running out of options and she needs her mother, she needs you Addison, she needs you to hold her, to love her and let her know that it's going to be alright. She's holding on for you Addie, she's holding on for you to let her know it's ok to stop fighting."
Closing his eyes Derek prayed; but as the clock reached 22 minutes past 4 and his daughter officially became 5 days old he prayed for something different, instead of praying for healing for his daughter he prayed that when Addison woke up she would find the strength she needed to let their little-girl go.
"Derek," Addison croaked her voice hoarse from disuse.
Sitting up he rested a hand on her forehead. "Hey."
"Sleepy," Addison muttered, her eyes falling shut once again.
"Addie. Addie I need you to open your eyes for me ok?" Derek gently coaxed.
Addison struggled to open her eyes. "Tired."
"I know," Derek sympathized. "But I really need you to stay awake; our little-girl really needs you to stay awake."
Addison's eyes clouded over in confusion as she used all the energy she had to lift her hand up and rest it on her now flat stomach. "She's here … Baby … is a she?"
"Yeah," Derek smiled sadly. "You had a little-girl, we have a beautiful little-girl."
"And she's alright?" Addison asked, the fog starting to clear from her mind as she tried to push herself into a sitting position.
Jumping to his feet Derek supported her shaking body in his as he watched her tremble from the effort such a simple task was taking, a stark reminder of just how sick she was and how close he had come to losing her. "Easy," he whispered into her ear.
Derek sat down on the bed next to her, being careful not to interfere with the monitors and IV lines snaking in and out of her.
"Why won't you tell me she's ok?" Addison panicked as the silence in the room became uncomfortable.
Derek opened his mouth to speak but his voice failed him as no words came out, instead all that left his lips was a silent exhale.
"Derek?" Addison demanded, her voice trembling as her heart rate increased.
Closing his eyes Derek wrapped his arm around her wanting nothing more than to be able to reassure her, to open his mouth and tell her everything was alright, that their daughter was healthy and strong but he couldn't, because she wasn't and he didn't know if anything would ever be ok again.
"Derek?" Addison repeated, her voice growing more and more panicked as the reality began to dawn on her. "Please tell me she's alright? Please? Derek please?"
"I can't," Derek whispered as those two simple words crashed down around them, shattering every hope they had been allowing themselves to dream.
Addison shook her head as she pushed him away, her instincts kicking in as she swung her legs over the bed in an attempt to stand up.
"Addie you need to stop, you have chest tubes and lines and… you need to stop," Derek pleaded, worried that she was going to do herself an injury and damage her recovery.
"Please, Derek, tell me she's ok?" Addison begged, her whole body shaking with pain, grief and exhaustion.
Closing his eyes Derek rested his head on top of hers. "I can't Addie."
"Lie to me," Addison pleaded needing to live in denial for a few minutes longer.
"I can't," Derek cried, his voice nothing more than a broken whisper.
Addison's hand clenched around the blanket, her eyes darting furiously around the room as tried to fight free from his hold. "No," she cried, a loud guttural cry that broke through the ICU room as people in the immediate vicinity stopped what they were doing because even though only one word had been spoken they all knew what the soul shattering, heart breaking sound meant.
It was the cry of broken dreams, of a life cut short before it even had the chance to shine, it was the cry of broken promises and shattered hopes, it was the cry of a mother who would never get to hear her child cry, see her first smile and witness them take a first step, it was the cry of a mother realizing all of the dreams she didn't even know she had were being taken away from her.
Burying her head in her husband's chest Addison muttered the same word over and over again; no, no, no, no, no until she didn't even have the strength left to do that.
Outside Carolyn watched as Derek held Addison close, her body shaking in his arms as tears streamed down his cheeks mixing with those of his wife, their hearts breaking for the couple inside the room, no parents should ever have to go through this and no parents should ever have to watch their own child go through this; it was as If there had been a violation in nature, the tides frozen and the stars nailed to the sky while the moon wept quietly out of sight.
-GA-GA-GA-GA-
Wiping at his face Derek took a series of deep breaths to calm his nerves, so much of his heart and soul belonged to the woman on the other side of the glass from the best moments to the heartbreaking losses that he spent every waking moment trying to hide away from, knowing that if he let himself remember back to those days when even the simple act of breathing hurt he wouldn't be able to survive.
Before he has a chance to register what was happening his legs started moving, one foot slowly moving in front of the other as he stepped into the room motioning for Richard to move he took the Chief's place, sitting down he wrapped his arms around her.
"You're not alone," Derek whispered.
"Yes I am," Addison silently cried.
Derek watched as Addison stood up and removed the breathing tube from the little-girl's mouth before reaching into the incubator. "Don't."
"She shouldn't be alone," Addison insisted.
"Addison she's not-"
Addison pushed him away and instead reached inside the incubator and took the tiny little-girl in her arms as she walked over to a rocking chair by the window, looking outside she watched as the moon seemed to get swallowed by the darkness. "I sleep with the radio on now."
"What?" Derek frowned, confused by why she was sharing such a random piece of information with him at a time like this.
"I can't sleep when it's silent because I keep expecting to hear her cry, but she won't because she never did, so I sleep with the radio on that way I don't have to deal with silence," Addison explained.
Derek nodded. "I keep her last scan picture in my wallet, it reminds me that for a short time I was someone's father that I had a daughter and she was perfect."
"We had a daughter, a beautiful perfect little girl, the last 7 months should not have been like this Derek. They should have been full of sleepless nights, round the clock feeding and early morning wake up calls … they should not have been like this … picking out tiny caskets, choosing flowers … you left me Derek," Addison accused, finally voicing her frustration at the situation.
"You told me you needed space," Derek reminded her.
Addison looked down at the tiny baby struggling to let go, nestled on her chest. "I was hurting Derek."
"So was I," Derek pointed out. "You didn't see me turning to Savvy for comfort," he added, referring to Addison's best friend.
"And there it is," Addison sighed, realizing that no matter what Derek was always going to throw Mark in her face.
Derek winced at his own words. "Sorry, it's just … she was my daughter too Addison."
"I know," Addison said, resting her hand on top of the baby as her breathing slowed.
Derek watched her try to bring the newborn what comfort she could. "Do you? Only when she died I didn't just lose a daughter I lost my wife too … you were so broken Addison … and you blamed me … when I signed those papers to consent to the c-section I might as well have signed our divorce papers too because-"
"She's gone," Addison whispered, looking at the monitor as the heart rate fell to zero.
Derek held her tighter watching outside as the darkness started to give way to the light of a new day, until finally she spoke in a small, barely audible voice. "She died at sunset. As the new day began our daughter's life ended forever and sometimes when things get really hard I can't help but wish … hope … that I hadn't been as lucky as I was."
"You don't mean that," Derek stammered, concern and fear evident in his voice.
"No. Yes. I don't know … now I don't but in the immediate weeks following her death I did," Addison admitted. "In the hospital I would listen as the cardiologists went on and on about my miraculous recovery and how well my heart was doing and how I would make a full recovery … but … I was only ok because she was dead … my heart wasn't ok Derek … she was gone … it would never be ok."
Watching as she swaddled the tiny body in a pink blanket before placing it into the Moses basket Derek reached out and took her hand in his. "It's ok to cry."
"I'm all cried out," Addison admitted.
"When E-"
Addison pulled away from him. "Don't. Please don't say her name," she pleaded, her breathing speeding up.
"Addison we had a daughter, for 7 days we were a family and that's not something that I will ever forget, our little-girl deserves to be remembered, speaking her name keeps her close to us Addie," Derek told her.
"I haven't said her name since you left," Addison shyly admitted.
Derek sat down in the rocking chair and pulled her down onto his lap. "For 29 weeks she lived inside you Addison and then for the 7 days she lived in this world we loved her. Esme," he said, pausing waiting for Addison to react but when she didn't he continued. "Esme Willa Montgomery-Shepherd might have only lived for 7 days but she was our daughter Addison, no matter what happens between you and I nothing will ever change the fact that we will always be a family; you, me and Esme."
"She was so beautiful," Addison cried.
"The most beautiful baby ever," Derek agreed.
Addison closed her eyes. "Esme. I know I only got to hold her for such a short time but I miss her so much Derek. I want my little-girl, I want her back."
Watching through the window Richard smiled to himself as he watched Derek hold Addison close, his arms wrapped protectively around her as in the dawn of a new day they took the first step towards healing their broken souls.
authors note: so I know this chapter is really, really long but I could not bring myself to split it. I am not a doctor, nor am I a writer I am just someone who loves Addison and wanted to write a different story for her, I have taken creative license with some of the timeline and story lines as I kept Meredith with Derek after she found out about Addison, this is also 100% unedited by anyone but me so I apologize for any mistakes.