Story: Zelda: The Misadventures of Link 3: Haphazard Hysteria
Author: Time Master
Written: June 30th, 2016
Genre: Humor
Rating: T (Language)
Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo or its hopeless Hyrulian Heroes.
Author's Note: This is an AU parody incorporating multiple Zelda universes. Also, for the first time in our fics, Link talks.

A Kingdom of Idiots

The Forest

The sun trickles through the richly leaved trees along the forest path. In the distance you could hear the light chirping of lovebirds singing their quaint little songs. Medli, apprentice attendant of Valoo, the patron deity of the Rito, was playing with her most valued possession: the Rito Harp.

"Ah, a wonderful day to exercise my beautiful tunes to nature itself," she says as she sat down on a log and began to softly strum her harp. However, this peaceful day this wouldn't last very long...

Dining Hall of Castle King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule

King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule and his assistant, Tetra, where discussing war plans over a private banquet within their castle.

"We've defeated the two evil soldiers that Yuga had sent to destroy us a week ago, but I fear we must talk serious negotiations with him if we are ever to stop this ongoing conflict," says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, taking a sip of Energy Potion he had on hand.

"Serious negotiations? Sire, if we don't prepare an army to attack them soon, they'll send even more troops. Think of the consequences!" Tetra argues. "You're forgetting that Impa is still bedridden, and won't be able to train her men for at least a month. We need to send our own castle guards in their place!"

"I know that. I'm aware that she single-handely kicked the ass out of our enemies," Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule responds. "But she must rest and so does our men. I propose talks in the meantime."

"I don't like the idea. fine, then just replace her with whoever is second in command if our enemy is that incompetent!" says Tetra in a huff.

"Forget it. Groose is second in command. Besides, he's not back from his assignment yet anyway. Gongoron, our new apprentice in training, is also out getting a new shipment of weapons ready for our reserve. So until then, we'll just increase our normal border security along our coastlines," says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. "Besides, I bet Yuga is too pissed-off right now to retaliate on such a larger scale anyways."

Fortress of Yuga

Ganondorf and Vaati somewhat bowed before the very ticked off leader. Ganondorf was still in bandages from the battle, and the gaping hole in Vaati's chest hasn't seemed to have completely healed yet. Yuga stomps toward the two.

"You fumbling, bumbling, bufficious, baffled boobs! How could you let a single Sheikah woman defeat a couple of powerful warriors like you? I bet you let your overconfident attitudes cloud your judgement in combat?" Yugo says angrily to them.

"But Lord, that woman was too…" Ganondorf starts before Yuga interrupts him.

"Silence! On second thought, don't answer that. For punishment, I'm assigning you two to clean the dungeon lavatories for the rest of the week!" Yuga steams, before stomping out of the throne room.

"Great. There goes this week's paycheck," grumbles Ganondorf.

"What do you mean 'paycheck'? We didn't get anything for that mission!" says Vaati.

"Let's just say, I get extra cash for being the highest in rank in Yuga's list of mercenaries," Ganondorf responds smugly.

"Yuga's list of mercenaries? I never heard such a thing!" Vaati says in shock.

"That's why I get paid 500 gold coins a week, and you don't," Ganondorf taunts.

"Over-paid jerk-off," Vaati mutters under his breath. Ganondorf turns around and heads down the hall.

"Aren't you forgetting we have a job to do?" Vaati questions.

"I am not cleaning any of the dungeon's toilets. Not now, not ever," says Ganondorf.

Suddenly, a black fireball whizzed over Ganondorf's head and exploded against a wall near him.

"I think Lord Yuga thinks otherwise," says Vaati, who was heading towards the dungeon. Ganondorf groans and followed suit behind him.

Back At The Dining Hall of Castle King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule

The banquet meeting continues as a royal chef brought them their main course.

"Let's change subjects then. About Sheik, the new ruler of the Sheikah Kingdom…how's her territory holding up?" asks Tetra.

"Not too bad. She isn't used to being the new ruler of her own domain," says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, biting into his food.

"I can imagine…" Tetra began. "…Since her land was destroyed by Yuga ten years ago in that terrible war, she was forced to take up the command. To make matters worst, she's the only person of royalty to lead in their history!"

"She'll be fine. Impa's reserve military and associates are taking care of her as we speak," King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule responds confidently.

Sheikah Palace

Sheik was in the kitchen of her palace, trying to figure out what to eat.

"I got a multitude of killer ninjas protecting my ass, but no one here knows how to cook! Something told me not to move out of my dad's place. How in the world am I supposed to cook ramen noodles?!" Sheik says in frustration, as she stood before a package of said noodles.

Suddenly, a small kunai darts in through the kitchen window, and lands right next to the package of noodles. After picking it up and upon closer inspection, the kunai had some writing on it. It read: 'Add water'.

Feeling rather stupid at the moment, Sheik decides to just go out to Chef Bear's place for dinner.

Back At The Dining Hall of Castle King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule

The banquet meeting was suddenly interrupted as a clatter of footsteps was heard outside the hall's entrance. The standing guard cracks the door open to see what was the ruckus, only to be knocked out of the way as Link stumbles in, breathing heavily as if something was chasing him. Both King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule and Tetra spat out their food when they saw the Hero of Hyrule at the other end of their table.

"You again!" proclaims Tetra. "Can't you see we are in a middle of an important meeting right now?"

Link huffs as he regains his composure. He looked a bit ruffled, with a few scratches on his face. His hair was messed up, and his sword and shield were damaged.

"How the hell did you get past castle security?" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule demands.

It was obvious they've met this person somewhere before. Link scratches his head and looks back down the hallway.

"I simply played them a song that put them to sleep," says Link. "I am only doing this because I come to you with an emergency!"

"Can this wait?" grumbles King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. "My meal is going to get cold!"

Link finally eyes the glorious spread of food on the banquet table in front of him. He grabs a few items and stuffed them in his mouth. "Say, these golden sticks of potatoes are not bad," he comments in between bites.

"Those are called 'fries', some foreign dish or whatnot," Tetra points out.

King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule quickly finishes his meal, stands and approaches the green-tunic hero.

"Now, what is it that you want?" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule demands, crossing his arms in distrust.

"Look, I know you are still angry for me accidentally breaking the Master Sword in half, ruining Majora's Mask by dropping it down a well, and sinking your ship after I took it out on a joyride, but you have to listen to me this time! It started earlier this morning…" Link began to recollect.

Flashback: The Forest

I was taking a stroll through the forest, playing my Ocarina when I saw a young girl sitting there playing her harp near the woods, when I heard something rustle through the bushes across from me. Curious of what was making all that noise that, I step past her to take a peek inside the shrubs. Before I knew it, someone pulled me in and started to arouse me…

"I beg your pardon?" Tetra butts in.

"I mean, someone wrestled me to the ground, beat me up, and escaped with her harp when she tried to come to my aid!"

"You're a damn weenie, son," King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule responds dryly.

"Hey old man, that's not nice! Anyways, that thief must be brought to justice. This girl's precious little harp must be all alone being played around with that stranger. Wait…that didn't sound right…

End of Flashback

"So you're saying that you need my help to retrieve this little girl's little harp back from a thief, correct?" says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule.

"Uh, well, maybe I was thinking that…some of your men could help me as well," Link asks.

"Forget it," says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. "Now get the out of my castle before I make you do the 'Song of Storms', with my foot up your ass! You've done enough damage in my kingdom as it is. I don't care if you are the legendary hero or not either!"

"Then you leave me with no choice," says Link as he pulls out his Ocarina. "I will now serenade you both with my Ocarina-rendition of a famous high-capella song of the Siren in G major, which I'll gladly play for you two!"

Tetra fell out of her chair onto the floor anime' style while King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule steps back looking a bit horrified if Link were to actually sing that awful song.

"Oh sweet Golden Goddess no! All right! You can hire a few of my reserve men as soon as they are available, just get yourself and that spawn of hell outta here!" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule yells

"I'd knew you'd sing it my way," says Link, as he steals another piece of food from the table.

"And get your hands out of my food!" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule adds, sitting back down in his seat. Link reluctantly licks the whole tray of food with his tongue in retaliation.

"Not anymore it isn't!" Link cheeses.

King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, now pissed off, stands up to chase down the green-tunic hero, only to trip over his own chair, causing him to fall face first into the tray of licked fries. Link escapes as fast as he could.

"Security!" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule shouts as his guards went to peruse the troublemaker.

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