Because Chris Messina can say all of this with his eyes. But I want to hear it come out of his mouth…
Once he was back in his apartment, and the embarrassment of trying to kiss her had started to subside, he grabbed a beer and settled on the couch to sulk. Her lecture echoed in his mind, but it took 3 beers before he could admit that she was right.
He had gotten so carried away with having her there, right next door, to be his commute buddy, to chat about Richie's love life, to watch movies. As he thought about it, he was reminded of the other time he had gotten carried away with a neighbor. He had also invited her into his life and then cut her out suddenly and pretended she was the crazy stalker. That time, Mindy had been there to force him to see the truth about himself. She made him realize that he was being selfish and mean – leading the poor girl on by cooking for her and giving her a key, but only because he liked the company. And he was lonely.
He was still lonely. It was hard to admit. But after 5 beers, he got there. Then he just felt pathetic – like he was trying to kiss Mindy because he was lonely. And embarrassment flooded him once again. She deserved better.
How did he get here? How did he get to this place where he was so out of touch with himself and out of touch with Mindy? He should have noticed her reticence. All week, she had been giving him signs that he was pushing her too much – forcing his apartment on her, insisting that she come over for dinner, patronizing her just at the time when she was looking for independence. And he felt even more pathetic.
He was just so excited to have her back in his life after the post-break up cold shoulder. And maybe he was insisting that they be together all the time to convince himself that things between them were back to normal. Maybe he thought if he just kept moving – just kept doing laundry, making Target runs, ordering take-out – things would start to feel right. But they didn't.
Nothing felt right, and he wished he could talk to Mindy about it. He wished she could take him aside like she did when his neighbor snuck into his apartment demanding answers or like she did when he tried to punch his father. He wished she could take him aside and tell him how to do the right thing.
She was so good at that. Somewhere between her bizarre celebrity obsessions and silly monologues, she managed to be one of the most insightful people he knew. She was so good at assessing him – at seeing through his crap and at helping him find his way. He never would have guessed the girl who floated around the office in ridiculous sequined dresses would be the one who could see through him.
And she was right about him again. He did only kiss her when she had another guy waiting. Or when there was turbulence on a plane. Why did he only have the courage to kiss her when he thought he might lose her?
He was losing her, and he felt lost. He needed his best friend. She was always the one who helped him put together all the pieces of his crooked life.
After several more beers, he passed out on the couch. When he woke up in the middle of the night, partially hung over and partially still drunk, all the lights were still on his apartment. He squinted and stumbled into his bedroom, deciding he was too tired to bother with anything. He toed off his shoes on the way to bed, kicking one a little harder than he thought. It skipped under his bed, and he reached down to grab it. That's when he spotted them – her earrings. He picked them up from under the bed, blinking away his sleepiness to make sure they were the ones he remembered from when she stayed over.
"I love her." The words caught him off-guard as they fell out of his mouth like a hiccup. And he wasn't sure if it was the beer or the exhaustion or the fact that he was slightly disoriented, but when he said it out loud, it felt right. Suddenly, everything felt right.
He immediately headed for the hallway, hoping that by some miracle a light in her apartment was on. Sure it was crazy to run to her in the middle of the night after a case of Dr. Dan's Summertime Snickerdoodle Ale and tell her that he was in love with her, but somehow it seemed appropriate. Mindy was, after all, crazy. She was crazy in the most beautiful, captivating and enlivening way he could imagine. And didn't she deserve a crazy, romantic gesture? Didn't she deserve to be swept off her feet?
But he stopped before he opened his door. He realized that running to her now would be just like running to her on the plane or grabbing for her before her date. And it wasn't fair. She didn't deserve someone to sweep her off her feet. She deserved someone who would help her stay grounded. She deserved someone stable (and sober), who wouldn't turn it on and off. She deserved someone who would reach for her, but would let her decide whether or not to accept.
He woke up fully clothed, on top of the blankets, clutching her earrings in his hand. He opened his fist and saw red marks on his palm where he had squeezed too tightly at the sharp points. His throat clenched, and he swallowed hard.
"I found your earrings under my bed." He put them on the counter in her kitchen. HER kitchen. He had waited for her to return to her own apartment. He wanted her to be back on her turf and comfortable in her space.
"I was thinking about what you said, and I couldn't figure out why I've been such a jerk to you. Why I fucked this up so badly. And then I realized – it's because I didn't have you. It's because I didn't have you to give me advice and help me figure things out. I didn't have you to set me straight."
She smiled a little sadly.
"So… um…" He stared at the ground. "I wanted to apologize for trying to… you know... the kiss thing." He shrugged, but he looked her in the eye when he said, "That was stupid. I'm sorry."
"But I… um… I need your advice on something. And I figured you know, now that we're friends, I could just ask you. So now I'm asking you – my best friend – for your advice."
She nodded.
"It's about a girl."
She raised her eyebrows indignantly. "Listen, Danny, I'm sorry that I'm moving on and that I rejected your… advances. And your apartment. But I don't know if I'm ready to hear about your girl problems."
"Just hear me out, Min." She tilted her head and furrowed her brow, suspicious but quiet. "I'm really into this girl."
She sighed.
"She's so… I don't even have the words to describe her. It's like she lives in her own little world, which she just fills with drama and… bear claws."
Her face softened, and he started to stutter. This was it.
"But she... she drags everyone into her life. She dragged me into her life. And before I realized it… She's the most important person in my life. And she makes me feel…" he searched for the right words, "just okay…"
"What? Just okay?"
"Not 'just' okay. I mean, really, really okay."
"Danny, repeating it did not make it sound better."
He looked up, trying to find the words. "You know, as in, everything is going to be okay. Even though she is boisterous and overly dramatic, being with her makes me feel calm. She makes me feel like everything will be okay. It's…" He looked back at her. "She's amazing."
He looked into her eyes, and she felt like he was boring into her somehow. "You're amazing, Mindy."
His words hung there between them, waiting. She was waiting for him to take them back. He was waiting for her to give them back. And there they stood, with everything that had happened between them hovering in her kitchen.
She looked down. "Someone – a person whose opinion I really respect – told me that guys don't break up with girls that they want to be with." She said it quietly, and Danny would have had to strain to hear the last part. But he remembered his words clearly from that last time he had too many beers and got lost without her.
"He sounds like an idiot. He sounds like a guy who doesn't trust himself, who's afraid that if he really lets himself go after what he wants, he'll lose everything. He sounds like a guy…" his voiced cracked a little. "He sounds like a guy who doesn't realize he's about to lose everything anyway."
She looked up at him then, tears pooling in her eyes.
"Well… you want my advice, Danny? My advice would be, since this girl is obviously very hot and a great girlfriend, I think that you should go to her place and tell her you're sorry for being the biggest jerk on earth, and tell her that you want to be with her. Again. But that you're sure about it this time. That you're not going to change your mind or force her to be your secret girlfriend. And also tell her that you want to make pancakes for her every morning."
He did his crooked smile. "Biggest jerk on earth? That's too far." He took one step toward her.
"At least the top 10." She took a step toward him.
"But you are very hot." Another step. "And I do want to make pancakes for you every morning." He was close enough to reach for her hand, if they both stretched. He extended his arm, and she reached for him. And they stood as far apart as they could with their hands joined.
"I want to be with you, Mindy. Not in secret – out in the open so everyone can see how lucky I am. And I'm not going to change my mind. I'm sure.
"And if I get confused or lost, I'm just going to talk to my best friend about it. I'm just gonna ask her for advice so she can remind me how not to be a jackass."
She released his hand and closed the distance between them, looping her arms around his neck and pulling his body into hers. He kissed behind her ear, on her neck, along her jaw while gently pulling her face away from his. He rubbed her cheeks with his thumbs looking into her eyes. And it felt right.
Once he securely fastened his lips to hers, his hands immediately found her ass. What is it with his hands and her ass? As he pulled her hips deeper into his, she could feel him straining against her.
"I'm not going to have sex with you just because you came in here and promised to cook for me."
"Just breakfast. I didn't commit to anything after noon."
He slid his hands up and around her waist, pulling their chests together. And she felt like he was trying to absorb her entire body into his. He pulled his head back a bit to look at her. "I need your advice about one more thing… when should I tell this girl that I love her?"
There was an audible hitch in her breath, and he looked at her nervously, like he'd pushed too far again. "I love you too," she blurted out suddenly.
He rested his forehead against hers. "I love you, Mindy." And it was her turn to hold his face in her hands, rub her thumbs over his cheeks and kiss him.
For once, his bravado was well-founded – Danny was quick with a bra but slow and meticulous with her in every other way. He kissed her and kissed her for what felt like forever. Lying on her bed, she started to run her hands under his shirt, but he stopped her, pulling her hands above her head and holding her down for more kissing. It was like he was trying to squeeze into just one night all the kisses they had missed in their time apart.
But eventually, they were both ready. He slipped his hand under her dress and slowly pulled her panties off, following them with kisses on her soft skin. Then he slid his hands between her legs and touched her until she could think of nothing else but him.
When he finally lifted her dress over her head, she had never felt so adored. He pulled her on top of him so that she could make the final decision to take him back. When he looked up at her, naked and beautiful in front of him, he could see all of her. And he hoped she could see all of him. He hoped she could see all the things he couldn't say – all the things that had tortured and choked him over the years.
But she didn't see him then – she saw him always. She realized that she had been silently waiting for him for so long she didn't know when it started. She had been waiting for this moment when he could finally lie back and just be there; just be his beautiful, broken self.
When they were finally together, it was even more intense than she expected. She tried to pull him deeper and deeper inside of her, but it was never enough. It wasn't long before she fell limp on his chest, no longer able to take charge. So he took over, like he always did when she needed him. He rolled her underneath him and pressed himself into as far into her as he could go. Again and again. And again, until neither of them could take anymore.
He had tried so hard to smother her over the past few weeks. He had tried to smother her by giving her everything – except himself. But by the time he collapsed on top of her, he had surrendered everything he had to give. And when he felt her running her fingers along his back, up his neck and into his hair, he knew it was completely worth it. She was completely worth it.
"Go back to sleep." He could feel her eyes on him while she hovered above him, attempting to be quiet and stealth and failing at both.
"I was thinking… How did you manage to get in both my heartbreak box and my bed before my five date slash $2000 minimum?"
"You want me to write you a check?"
"DANNY!" She grabbed a pillow and started hitting him with it. "You don't say that right after you have sex with someone!" He grabbed the pillow out of her hand, pulled her on top of him and silenced her with a kiss. She drew her head back and smiled, wide and joyful, "You have to make it up to me – however I want. I'm the boss."
He smiled back with a goofy smile that made it seem like his whole life's happiness was wrapped up in her. And everything felt okay. "Yeah, you're the boss."
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