Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the beginning of a brand new story, by yours truly, Dagger! This is called Letters of a Dying Girl.
It is a little sad, not gonna lie. And by sad, I mean like, depression and stuff like that. So if your not into that, I don't blame you, but I will warn you when there is depressive stuff Kay? If your not into that, don't feel inclined to read it.
But I would really appreciate it if you did.
But it's a bit sad.
You get used to it.
Enjoy!
Hypocrates
3 Years Ago
April 12, Year 2012
"Okay so we've conducted this Cat Scan which is showing that it's slowly creeping up toward your left coxa. Now there's not a lot we can do, but we can put you through Chemotherapy again so that we can slow the cancers growth and stop it getting closer. How does that sound?"
"Will it go away?"
"Uh, not exactly, but it won't bother you for a while longer,"
Dr. Sheridan says,
"Doc, let's be literal here. If I don't get this chemo and I just, I don't know, live an normal life, how long?"
He looks confused,
"How long?"
"How long till I bit the dust?"
"Max!"
"What!? It's gonna happen anyway!"
The doctor looked down. He looked up,
"If you live a healthy normal life, no medical help or advantages?"
"Yes,"
He sighed and smiled sadly,
"Three years,"
"What if I don't? I continue with the chemotherapy and treatment? How long then?"
". . ."
"Doc, you can tell me. After all, you can't keep me alive forever,"
He sighed.
"Five years,"
"Thank you sir,"
"Max, would you like t-"
"Thanks Doc, really. I'll give you an answer in the morning,"
"Max-"
"Thank you,"
And I got up and stalked out of there. Monique came running after me. She was beautiful wanna-be-could-be model. She has beautiful Mocha coloured skin, with long wavy dark brown hair, a single blonde streak through her fringe and beautiful hazel eyes. She was tall and gorgeous. She had a heart shape face, plump lips, rosy cheeks, perfectly shaped brows and just over all supermodel looks. He body was curvy, the outfit she was wearing showing of those curves.
She was wearing pale green pumps, tan jeans, a pastel green blouse, a white, tan and brown scarf, a big tan coat, that reached just below her thighs, white ear rings and her trade mark white purse.
"Max, please slow down,"
I turned to her and saw the tears in her eyes. It hurt me to see her like this.
"What Nudge?"
I asked softly.
"Can we please talk about this?"
I really didn't want to talk, but I didn't want to see her cry either. Damn Bambi Eyes,
"Sure,"
She smiled sadly and we sat down on the park bench. It was just across from the hospital and I had grown attached to the place. After sixteen years of wandering or wheeling out there during the night in nothing but my hospital gown, attached to UVIs, and IV cords, Ventilators and other things, sitting on this very bench, watching the stars, by myself, it's hard not grow attached to your only bit of freedom.
"Do the chemo,"
"Nudge, come on-"
"Max. It will help you,"
I muttered,
"They've been saying that for sixteen years Nudge,"
Nudge shook her head defiantly. She was getting angry already.
"It's kept you alive hasn't it!?"
"Yeah, okay Nudge, it has. I'll give you that. It's also taken my left leg. It's also come back for more. It's also made sure I can't live like a normal teenager. It's made sure I didn't get to celebrate my 21st birthday. It also made sure I never got to have my first kiss, my first time, my first boyfriend. I can't get a job. It made sure I couldn't go to both my parents funerals. Okay Nudge?! I missed my whole life."
Nudge wiped a stray tear from her cheek, making her mascara run a tiny bit. I felt bad, but she needed to hear it. Sixteen years makes a girl think, ya know?
"But it will help you,"
Her voice broke at will. I wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
"I know Nudge. But I wanna live a little before I die, ya know?"
"Don't say that,"
I squeezed her shoulder.
"It's gonna happen Nudge. It's inevitable. I've been cooped up in that hell hole-"
That got a snivelling giggle from her,
"-For too long. I wanna live. Drink some beer. Travel the world. Get laid!-"
She giggled again,
"-I wanna go places with you and the gang. I wanna get married. Have a kid. Drive a car. Steal some shit, ya know? And I want to do it with you guys,"
Nudge was bawling next to me.
"But I don't want you to get hurt,"
I scoffed. Nudge looked at me. I stood up on the bench and started screaming,
"Nudge! My sweet Princess! I am invincible! Nothing can destroy me!"
"Max get down!"
"Okay, okay, okay, I'm down! I am down!"
I looked at her. She looked at me. We were both smiling. Then I felt myself let out a shaky sigh.
"You're scared aren't you Max?"
"Yeah. I mean, it's gonna happen. I've known for a while. It's calmer then it used to be. But, I don't wanna die. Do I. I mean, sure, I'd like to be free from the cancer, but, I wanna stay. For you guys. I'm sick of you looking at me in hospital gowns and hooked up to drips and looking like shit. I'm sick of missing things."
We sat there for a while. Nudge reached over for my hand and I gripped hers gratefully.
"Don't do chemo Max,"
I lifted my head.
"Really?"
"Yeah,"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah,"
"Thank you Nudge,"
I leaned over and hugged her.
"We better tell the guys then,"
She whispered. I whispered back,
"Yeah. We should,"
"Okay come in whenever you feel like it."
I nodded. I was standing out the front of the apartment door. I could hear James telling some crazy, far fetched story, Jason cracking up at the stupidity and Angelica dancing to the music that was playing loudly.
Just another typical day in the Gang apartment.
Nudge waltzed in, quickly closing the door. I hear multiple, "Look what the cat dragged in!" And "Hey Nudge!" Also "What's shaking baby?!" Then Nudges laughter.
"Awwh, you know. Not much at all,"
"Is that so little miss almost model,"
"Yeah well whatever,"
Then silence as the music played. Hmm. Queen. Which so- oh cool. Don't Stop Me Now.
"How was Max?"
"Oh I don't know. We were talking to the doctors, but well you know Max, it was basically arguing and interrupting and he was so confused, so she wasn't really talking, I was talking, Max is good. Being her Maxie self. She was in her hospital gown and she was hooked up to a new drop, or is it drip, but any way the doctors asked her t-"
"Time to turn off the Nudge Channel,"
I said as I walked into the living room. The walls were painted in black, with white and purple swirls thanks to me. I painted them one time when the Whitecoats (that's what I call them) let me come home. We were renovating and I painted the walls. You can see flicks of colours for when we had a paint fight. The carpet was a light grey, mirroring the roof. The roof had a single shiny fake gold chandelier lighting the room. It wasn't a super fancy one, I know what your thinking, no. It was a cheap arse one from Bunnings. Then we had several lounges, all directed toward a fireplace. Each one was a different colour.
Blue for Jason, Green for James, Hot pink for Nudge, Vanilla for Angelica, Black for Fang and Purple for me. Then we had random couches and poofs and bean bags just lying around. And we didn't have a TV.
I know. You guys are a bunch of kids with nothing better to do, why no TV? None of us have ever like the TV's. We were old fashioned. We keep each other entertained anyway.
"Max!"
"No freakin way!"
"They let you out!?"
"OMG!"
"Hey Max,"
Y'all can guess who the last one was, can't ya? Nick.
"Iggy! Yes freakin way! Not exactly! Yay? Hey Fang,"
"What do you mean not exactly, Max?"
I scratched the back of my neck and sat down on my swivelly purple couch. I sighed and told them,
"You might want to sit down,"
They sat down, Nudge next to me. But not before she swivelled is around to face everyone.
"Go on Max,"
I sucked in a shaky breath and shook out my short hair. After the last chemo, my hair had grown considerably. It was now just shoulder length and had grown back curly. It was kind of annoying and I always had the itching feeling to hack it off with a knife.
"I'm stopping chemo, guys,"
Everything was silent for a while. It was actually quiet deafening. The only sound was the soft noise of Taylor Swifts voice in the back round singing,
"So you were never a saint,
And I loved the shades of wrong,
We learned to live with the pain,"
I couldn't take it,
"Well say something!?"
I cried out desperately. I knew this wasn't going to end well. Iggy spoke up,
"So, what your saying, is your stopping the stuff that helps you, from helping you?"
"Yeah,"
I was soon being yelled at.
"Why are you stopping chemo?! It's gonna help you! Max, shouldn't this be a group decision!? I mean we're your friends! You can't just-"
"Max, this is some messed up shit okay! Don't be stupid! Why are you stopping the fucking treatment!? This is insanity! I am throughly befuddled! What the literal fuck Max? Why are you-"
"Max? Are you serious? You can't be serious I mean. Seriously? Really? I-We-You, uh, you can't stop. We won't let you. I won't let you. Don't you dare Max. I can't believe-"
I felt tears come to my eyes. My friends were yelling at me, when I needed their support. What dicks.
"Okay,"
I got up and ran as fast as my prosthetic leg would take me. I ran into my room, hearing a faint,
"Good work guys. Inconsiderate,"
Then I heard stomping footsteps and a soft thumping at my door. I could hear the others mumbling outside in the living room.
"Max?"
I picked up the closest thing near me and chucked it at the door. Turns out it was my lamp, that I had successfully ripped from the wall, and it smashed, sending glass and plastic everywhere. I threw myself down onto my black doona cover, laying my head on my folded arms.
"Max?"
I could hear again.
"Go away,"
I mumbled weakly. Stupid arse took it as a way to get in. I heard the door creaking and leaned off the bed a little, grabbing the closest thing off the floor. I blindly threw it, roughly toward the door. I heard the door move slightly, then the thump as whatever I had thrown hit the wood of the door. Huh. One of Nudges heels.
The heck was it doing in my room?
"Max."
I heard him sigh. I felt a sob rack my body and I curled in a ball mumbling one last attempt,
"Go. Away."
"No,"
That did it. Out come the water works. The first tear escaped as the door lock clicked shut and locked. I felt the dip in the bed and a hand on my shoulder. I soon stopped crying and flipped over.
"How long?"
"Three years,"
"Treatment?"
"Five,"
"Well,"
"Well? Seriously? I'm gonna die and all you've got is 'Well'!?"
His onyx eyes looked down to the doona cover.
"What do you want me to say Max?"
I sighed and fiddled with my sock. We were sitting cross-legged from each other on my queen sized bed. His long legs folded in, his head in his hands, long black hair falling through his fingers and over them. He rubbed his olive toned hands roughly on his head and said,
"I just got told your gonna snuff it. What do you want me to say? Do the treatment? Live?"
His voice broke. No one would have noticed it. Not even the flock. But I did. I noticed. I grabbed his face in both my hands and forced him to look at me. His black endless eyes stared back, a bit blurry and filled with sadness.
"No. Don't do that. Don't say things like that. You don't get to say those things Fang."
I pulled him against me. His head resting in the crook of my neck. I breathed in his Fang smell. The smell I had grown accustomed to so easily. He would sit next to me, hold my hand after every surgery. No matter how big, or tiny, it was always Fang.
"But you can?"
"Of course I can. It's my freakin' death. I can say whatever the hell I like, so. Fuck you,"
His lip tipped up. His equivalent of laughter. I smiled proudly and wrapped my arms around his neck. He lifted me up onto his lap. I put my legs around him, linking my ankles at his back. He wrapped his arms around my waist, somehow, pulling me closer to him. I rested my head on his shoulder, lips gently brushing his neck. I heard him sigh and pull me closer.
"Why aren't you guys supportive?"
"I don't know Max. You just ran outta there. No explanation,"
I sighed and buried my head deeper into his shoulder. He sighed and squeezed me. I pulled back. He gave me a confused look. Well, as confused as he can look. Basically a slight rise in an eyebrow. I pushed him down, feeling his hands go to my hips as he laid down. He looked up at me. I was straddling him, my hands on his chest, his hands on my hips. To anyone it would have looked like a sexual position, but it wasn't.
I slid my hands up to his shoulders and gently pushed down. I swung my body over his, so I was lying next to him, on the left, on my side. He wrapped his left arm under me. I put my right hand in his left, making a sort of cocoon around me. My left arm went over his abdomen and connected with his right hand, my head rested on his chest.
We lay like that for sometime, just whispering to each other. Talking about useless things.
"How can you not like Luke?"
"I do. You can't not. But I don't know, he sucked in the first movie,"
"So?"
"So, I feel he should be more awesome,"
"Oh come on, seriously!? He only just got told about Jedi's, of course he sucks, he's not gonna be super awesome at first. That and he's really hot,"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"What doesn't it have to do with?"
He seemed to think,
"A lot,"
"Come on. Have you seen his arms in the second one!? They are huge. Disappointed that there wasn't a shirtless scene of him. He wears to much sleeves,"
"What do you mean?"
"We barely ever see his arms. He always wears long sleeves,"
"True,"
We sat in silence.
"He couldn't beat Leia though,"
"What?"
"Leia's hotter,"
"Of course she is, your a dude,"
"Yeah. But she is hotter than him,"
"Seriously? Fang, come on, she's whiny and demanding. And has two very hot guys going after her,"
"Yeah but ones her-"
"Details, details. Whiny. Demanding. I rest my case,"
He chuckled softly. I felt his chest vibrate and hear the rumbling against my ear. I loved that sound.
"Whatever,"
Everything went silent. A comfortable silence, don't get me wrong. It normally ended like this. Then he muttered he four, magic words,
"You're scared, aren't you?"
I didn't answer. He twisted in our embrace, breaking our hands contact . We were laying on our sides, his arms encircling my waist. I removed my arms from him and made to push away. He wasn't having any of it. In fact, he pulled me closer toward him. Trapping my hands against his chest. Damn him and his knowing me too well-ness.
A particular button on his shirt had become particularly fascinating in the past minute and a half. It was black, (shocker) and had four small holes. The holes were filled with black thread, top left, bottom right, top right, bottom left, top left, bottom right, and so on and so forth. I stared at the button, watching it's dull shine as the light caught it at different angles, moving with his breath.
I was staring so intently at that little black button, I hadn't noticed an arm be removed from my waist. I hadn't notice it travel up my side. And I only just noticed it catch my chin, forcing me to look up.
Once more, although I had had enough of this, not really, I actually quite loved it, I was lost in his stupid onyx eyes. And their stupid little silver flecks, like stupid little stars, in his stupid little sky like orbs. Stupid eyes. Stupid him. Stupid Fang.
"It's okay Max,"
I ripped from his stupid grip, pushing away, so hard I fell off the bed. I got up gracefully (lies) and said,
"It's not okay! God Dammit! It's not okay! It's not alright! It will never be okay! I have you guys to look after. I have people to take care of!"
I said. Scratch that. Screamed. I was pacing the room angrily. Fang watching me.
"I have done nothing but fight! Nothing but defy! I haven't let this stupid cancer stop me! So why is it now!? Why give me freaking false hope!? Why let me think I'm fine!? Fang! It's not okay, okay!? I am going to die!"
I screamed loudly. I picked up -God knows what- and threw it angrily to the cupboard. It went and smashed to a bunch of little clay pieces. It was a vase. Nice. What the holy mother of all things lovely, was that doing in my freaking room?!
"I know you know Fang! I was gonna die sooner or later! Apparently sooner, rather than later! I am going to snuff it! Bite the dust! Blow the fuse!"
He stood up. Walking toward me.
"I'm gonna croak! I'm gonna fall off my bloody perch! Imma fade away!"
He held his arms out, wrapping them around my sobbing, screaming body.
"I will kick that fucking bucket! I'm gonna sleep with the fishes! Take a nice dirt nap!"
He pressed me to his hard chest. I grabbed his shirt, balling it up in my fists, smashing my face into his chest.
"I will cease to exist! Dance my last dance. Get my wings,"
I had barely whispered the last one. He patted my back. Holding me to him. Just holding me. I sobbed violently into his chest. He was so warm. So comforting. So Fang.
"It will be alright,"
I ripped from his grasp, pushing him so hard he stumbles, which, might I add, is quite hard to do.
"No it won't! Is it that hard to get it through your thick skull!? Why do you insist that everything is fine, when clearly it's not!?"
"Because I have to Max!"
He was angry now. I was livid. I ran out the door, practically ripping it from its hinges. I pounded down the stairs to the kitchen. My ranting had made me thirsty. I grabbed out a glass, almost smashing it when I set it down. I violently opened the fridge, gripping the juice and throwing it to the bench. I stormed over pouring it just as Fang comes pounding into the kitchen.
I take a sip as he says,
"I have to,"
"You have to do you?"
I shout at him, slamming the glass down. A tiny crack appears in the bottom of the glass. A tiny stream of juice was now flowing out of the glass.
"Yes,"
I turn to him.
"Oh really?"
He visibly restrains himself from rolling his eyes, or slamming something. His fists are clenching and unclenching beside him. He's rigid. He's livid. And I get a little satisfaction of seeing him this way.
"Yes,"
He says calmly.
"Why?"
He doesn't answer. Just continues to glare at me. My hand continues to grip the glass. I am gripping it so hard I can actually feel all the little cracks forming.
"Why?"
I ask, letting my tone drip in venom, just the tiniest bit. His eyes widen slightly, as if scared. His eyes dart around the room, landing everywhere but me.
"Because,"
That's it. I grip the glass so hard and chuck it. Toward the dipshit. In mid air it smashes into tiny pieces, covering him in the shards. He shakes the glass of him and lunges toward me. I easily dodge him. I reach into another cupboard, grabbing a plate. I throw the plate at his head. He ducks just in time as it smashes into the wood cupboard behind him.
"That's a really suckish answer Fang,"
I say. I picked up a bowl this time, chucking it at his chest. He swiftly dodges, running around the kitchen island. But I know his motives. We both carefully dodge the ceramic shards littering the ground, running this way and that, slyly changing directions, speeding up where there are no shards.
I run past the knife block and we're back at a stand still. Me holding a knife. Him panting and gripping the island.
"It's better than the one I could give you,"
I narrow my eyes, giving him the famous Ride death stare. It's been in the family for forever. I have the satisfaction of seeing him flinch ever so slightly. I've grown up with the dickhead and he knows that the death stare isn't one to rival with.
His fingers are white on the bench. My knuckles are white, gripped around the knife, pointed dangerously at him.
"Oh really? Fangy boy, I think it's wise to answer me properly,"
I muttered darkly. I saw sweat break out on his forehead. He knows what I could do with this. My six months of remission, how pointless it was, I learnt self defence and always kept a knife on me. I learnt how to use it and had surprisingly scary accuracy.
"I can't,"
I began to swing the knife between two of my fingers threateningly. I swung it up and ran a finger down the blade.
Y'all are probably all wondering why I'm holding a knife and Fang seems okay (kinda) with it. When we fight. We go all out. All or nothing baby.
"And why is that Fang?"
I said dangerously. He gulped and said,
"You don't want me to answer that,"
I flung the knife, so fast, I didn't even realise I had thrown it. I looked and saw it had clipped his ear. I felt my hand go back for the knife block and one hand fly to my mouth. I never thought I'd actually throw it. I raised the knife to a stunned and slightly afraid Fang.
"Answer. Me,"
I whispered, more scared then intimidating. Fang slowly started walking toward me, hands out in the universal gesture for chill, almost as if I were a wild animal, capable of ripping out a throat or two. And I was. It scared me that he thought of me like that.
I felt my hand shaking violently as I held the knife.
My vision was becoming blurry.
I felt a sob, rack my chest.
I cried.
The knife was plucked from my hand.
Arms went around me.
I slumped into the body.
One arm around my waist, the other cradling my head.
My arms threw themselves around my holder.
"Because Max, I can't lose you."
My hold tightened on him. He was my life support, more than the actual machines were. He was my life support through surgery. He was my life support through living. He was my life support on this very decision. He will be my life support till the end. That sentence proved it.
He gripped me tighter as well.
I never thought I would say this.
But maybe.
Just maybe.
I was something.
To someone.
You're the last bone of my contention
That could break at any mention
You're the last wall that will stand tall
'Til the end of the world.
IMPORTANT
So that was the first chapter to Bucket List. All of my chapters are and will, be named after songs. So this one is called 'Hypocrates' and it's by Marina Diamandis, but as her stage name goes, Marina and the Diamonds. I am a major Diamond.
What Nudge is wearing is on my polyvore profile. My name is dagger13. It's under Nudges outfit 1
XD
Okay, but now onto less seriousnessessy jazz,
What is your favourite song at the moment and why?
Mine, at the moment, is, 'All Around Me' by Flyleaf.
Bless.
What bout you Fang?
Fang: 'Brother' by Matt Corby.
Good answer.
Max: Why am I dying?
Why not?
Max: That's not a real answer.
You're not a real answer.
Max: What?
Pardon?
Max: No seriously?
What seriously?
Max: I'M SO CONFUSED!?
I have that effect on people.
Two reviews and I'll update.
XD
Dagger out.