-Grell-

I woke up rather dazed and the tiniest bit confused in what I could only assume was a field in ancient China. I put a hand to my spinning head, the heat wasn't helping my dehydration from all the drinking me and Will had done the night before. I think we were celebrating over a hundred of years of reaping… Or was it one hundred souls reaped by a new reaper… The vodka stopped me from remembering… I could hear a voice shouting but I was so hung over I couldn't make out what they were shouting! I lay back and closed my eyes.

"MULAN!" a woman stood over me and shook me awake. I opened my eyes and before me stood Madam Red in a bright red kimono decorated with black and silver flowering patterns. "ah! Glad to see you CAN wake up!"

"Mada-"

"No time for explaining! You're late!" she shouted at me angrily agitating an already unhappy head ache

"Late for what?" I growled

"Why, have you really forgotten?" I stared at her in a grumpy yet violent way I have perfected over the millennia "your appointment with the matchmaker!" She pulled me off the floor and dusted me down.

"Well it's a good thing you're getting a new kimono today! You've ruined this one!" I looked down at the Kimono I was wearing. It was a black Kimono with red and gold detailing… WAS. It was now a rather un-fetching shade of brown and the gold was replaced with pieces of grass and hay. "Come on! Let's go!"

"You still haven't told me where we're going!" I said as she pulled my arm towards a set of buildings

"We're going to get you married!"

"What?!" I shrieked so loudly birds in nearby trees flew off in shock.

"Well it's no surprise! You are of age!"

"I have been of age longer than you have been alive Angelina!"

"That is no way to speak to your mother!"

"MOTHER?!" I yelled louder still (this time dogs barked and a cat in a nearby garden hissed at me for having disturbed its nap)

"Oh do be quiet! We're nearly there!" I hadn't realised how fast we had been walking but she had managed to pull me into the middle of the clump of buildings (which I had now realised was a small Chinese town) and we were making our way to a building that read "bath house" in ancient Chinese characters… I was still too hung over to question how I could read this.

We entered a tatty little front room of the house and waited for someone to come and see us. I wrung my hands nervously.

All I know is I got drunk last night and woke up in ancient China, I'm about to be married off to someone and, oh yeah, Madame Red seems to think I'm Hua Mulan! Calm down Grell, you've been in worse situations. I have to at least ACT as if I knew what was happening, if nothing else to go along with what I could only imagine to be a joke played out in poor taste.

After a short while two people emerged from behind a curtain used to cover the door way. I sat there wide eyed as I looked the two figures up and down. The shorter of the two was a too discreet Alois Trancy. He stood there with his hands on his hips in a purple Kimono with blue detailing around the middle and on the ends of the sleeves. Next to him in a black Kimono also with blue detailing was Claude. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Before I could gather my thoughts strange music began to play.

"What's that music?"

"What music Mulan? I don't hear anything!" Madam Red said confused. Immediately Alois pulled me up from my chair and started singing… great. I tried to drown out what I could of the song while they undressed me behind a screen. It worked until I was pushed into a bath tub filled with freezing water!

"Why is this so cold?!" I asked now a little more sober

"It would have been warm if you'd been here on time"

"Don't patronise me woman!" I yelled back at madam red before my arms were being pulled up and I was being scrubbed down. Alois and Claude then started singing one line after another… This is horrific!

"We'll have you!" Alois started

"Washed and dried, primed and polished"

"Til you die inside"

"What?!" I shouted shocked

"Trust my recipe for death god bride! You'll bring honour to us all!"

Me and madam red walked out into the streets (why am I suddenly clothed?) and my aching head was immediately hit with a wall of sound from a crowd of people singing. I blocked it out best I could, I caught bits of it. I guessed they were singing about how girls should just produce male heirs for the men and soldiers…

We made our way to a building with a sign above it reading "Hair dressers". I'm still not going to question how I can read that.

We entered the building and the music faded away (thank death god!) and we sat in another waiting room. The curtain over the door way was gold this time with Indian patterns on it like red elephants and flowers on it. As we sat there waiting my headache started to fade and I could think clearly again. But before this was of any use to me Soma and Agni burst out from behind the curtain. Soma was in a gold and red robe with black detailing and Agini was in a purple robe with white detailing. They grabbed my arms and pulled me into the next room over… and then the music started again… wonderful ( I know you cannot possibly know this just from the word "wonderful" but I hope you can feel the sarcasm in this sentence!)

They pulled and brushed my hair making my headache comeback. Eventually (still singing of course) they forced my hair into a bun on top of my head…

"You'll need luck!" Soma sang in his thick Indian accent

"And a great hair-do" Agni chimed in

"You'll bring honour to us all!" I was getting sick of hearing that.

I was starting to wonder who was to blame for this ridiculous prank. My questions were soon answered when I walked out to hear the crowd singing

"We must all serve our bo-chan who guards all of our lives! Sebastian his butler keeps death away from our doors!"… I should have guessed.

I was hurriedly pushed into a tailors shop and a new kimono was made and wrapped around me by Lizzy and Pauler. Lizzy was in a bright pink kimono with yellow detailing and Pauler was in Green kimono with purple detailing. They were still singing and drowning out the melody was increasingly difficult. Eventually the singers left and while madam red finished my makeup Alois's servant (Hannah I think her name was) walked into the room holding a cricket cage, a necklace of jade beads, an apple and a pendant. She stuffed the apple in my mouth singing

"An apple for serenity! A pendant for-" I spat the apple into my hand and ignored the rest of rituals until she slapped me on the back saying "and even you can't blow it!"

By now I was starting to get use to the music. As I walked out the shop the music kept playing and I found myself singing

"I don't know where I am! I'm hungover but I have a fan! I must be the best actor I can! Keep my chin up standing tall." However much the melody aggravated my aching head I put in as much dramatic flair as I could into my solo as any good actor would! I was then pushed hastily into a line of girls (I recognised Mei-rin, an Indian girl Soma used to hang around, a young queen Victoria and a young girl I had reaped one time.) all walking towards another building. When we did get there the other girls sat around me holding their parasols towards the door... Why don't I have a parasol? I knelt down with them and heard someone burst through the door in front of us.

"Hua Mulan!" A familiars grating voice shouted. Channelling all my years of acting prowess I stood up and gave a hearty

"Here!" Before me stood undertaker in a black and grey robe holding a checklist and a pink pen. He looked down and scribbled some notes saying

"Speaking without permission..." This might be harder than I thought..,

We entered the building and sat down on two black cushions. On the table between us was a pink tea pot and a bowl filled with... Dog biscuits...

"Here, have a biscuit!" he said cheerfully pushing the bowl towards me. I took a moment to work out if he joking or not... He wasn't. I took a biscuit and gingerly bit at the end. It tasted like pieces of off cut meat, mixed with grass, lemon, milk and vodka... Wait no the vodka was from me trying not to throw up having eaten said biscuit. I tried to cover my gagging with my kimono sleeve (which suddenly felt incredibly heavy).

"Are you alright?" Undertaker asked

"Y- Yes, they're quite delis-" nope, the biscuit taste wouldn't go away. But now the meaty taste was replaced with some kind of rotting and the lemon replaced with dead cat! He placed a cup of earl grey in front of me. I slammed the remainder of the biscuit on the table and gulped down the tea. I let out a satisfied 'ah' sound and gently placed the cup back down.

"Absolutely wonderful" I said giving him my best smile... Death god dammit why does this man have to eat dog biscuits?!

"I see" he said scribbling noted on the paper sipping from his cup which he placed in front of him. "Now, think if this situation: your husband is sad and you don't know what is wrong. He mopes in his chair staining out the window at the rain..." I never realised undertaker could be so poetic! "... What do you do?"

I sat for a moment thinking. I don't intend to have a husband and to be honest the only reason I'm going along with this is I haven't found a way to escape (yet). Thinking about this I suddenly had an idea.

"Well" I ran a finger down the front of my kimono opening the front of it a little to reveal some chest "I think I KNOW how to make any man feel... Better" I leaned forward over the table and ran my finger around Undertakers chin. Leaning forward again I whispered gently in his ear so hot breath tickled his neck "it can't be any fun just being a match maker, how about finding a match?" I went to nibble his ear but knocked Undertaker's cup of tea over all over his lap and landed on... Well, that's R rated ;)

He stood up knocking me backwards, breathing heavily and I could just about see him blushing heavily under his thick fringe. I had just started to do my kimono up again when he grabbed me and through me out of the building shouting

"YOU WILL NEVER BE MARRIED YOU SLUT!"