(Random entry # 1)
If I were close to breaking, I'm sure somehow he would know. Michael knows these things about others; he sees things in people no matter how hard they try to hide them. He knows when I'm feeling especially stressed and he always makes time for us to slow down; to rest. He always puts his forehead against mine and anchors me. I'm not sure what I would do without him. I would probably fall apart again. But I stay strong because of him. And I would like to think that he gets some of his strength from me as well; that we give to each other equally. But I know that I take far more than I give in this relationship right now. He is the strong one.
The other night I saw him go off by himself and I fought with myself about going to him. I know that when this is over our relationship will change; we will have time to be a real couple, not just two people so desperate to find a solution to moving forward. We will be alone together and it will be time to become intimate body and soul. We will share things I haven't shared in so long, and I'm sure some things I have never shared.
I know that when this is over Michael and I will have the time and energy to give ourselves fully. And I've never done that before. I've always held back something; some part of me. The part of me that keeps me from being too hurt when someone I care for walks away.
But I know with Michael it will be different; he will demand all of me. And I know that in turn he will give all of himself. I know that we are destined to be that old married couple married 30 years.
That is if we make it out of this alive.
(After Chicago)
If there is one thing I have learned it's that most of life's lessons are learned the hard way.
Would I have told Michael how I felt about him if not for my father's death; if not for my own harrowing near death experience at the hands of that monster who now offers his help with every lying breath? No, most likely not.
But like I said; if there is one thing I have learned from all of this it's to not leave the important things unsaid. So when he came to me on the train, when we found some precious moments alone without prying eyes, I found myself needing to tell him.
Did I think it would end with his arms around me, his mouth so hot against mine, that my breath felt seared from my lungs?
Again… Most likely not.
Did I ever once regret telling him?
I did, and I didn't.
But, then when he looked at me through the glass door of the cigar club; when he looked into my eyes, any regrets I may have had left me as those all important words fell from his lips:
"Sara, about before"?
"Me too".
(After Bad Blood)
When I pushed down that lock I did it on impulse; some primal instinct kicking in telling me this was it, this was our chance to be free from this man; this monster, that would turn on us in a heart beat if it were to his benefit.
I know Paul Kellerman is ultimately dangerous, no matter the candy coated lies falling from his lips. He proved that to me with every plunge into that bath tub full of icy water. He left me there to die. And he would have no qualms leaving any or all of us to die, maybe even by his own gun; his trigger finger.
Still, when I pushed down that lock I knew it was but a temporary reprieve, that I wasn't truly locking him away from us.
We're not safe from him. He knows our next move; he knows where we are headed and what we must do now that we have the evidence on that memory stick.
And I know with all of the injuries, all of the betrayal he must feel I have committed against him; I know he must feel like he owes me one….
But it isn't my own safety I fear for, it's Michael's. Because if Paul has any inkling how deeply I feel for him, and I know that he must, how could he not?
How better to make me pay, than to kill the man I love?