Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm just a poor kid with an imagination…
Harry Potter and VOLDE-MART
(Harry, Ron and Hermione are sitting on the couch watching television in their pimped out crib)
Ron: (flipping channels) There's nothing to watch! There's only some craptastic show called Grey's Anatomy!
Hermione:(wide-eyed and smiling) Grey's Anatomy? I love that show! Especially with all the McNames they give everybody! (looks at Harry) Right, McHarry?
Harry: (grumbles and visibly frustrated) Seriously, how can you guys just sit here and talk about television? The war is still going on and Voldemort's still alive! I…I just don't know what to do… (sighs)
Hermione:(soothing Harry) Oh, McHarry, it's going to be McOkay. McYou're McGoing to McWin.
Ron: (grabbing gun in order to shoot Hermione, decides now's not going to be the day she McDies) thinking to himself Why the hell was I portrayed as a dumbass during the HP films? I gotta sue somebody…
(Voldemort suddenly appears on television, he looks as ghastly as ever, with his bald head and slit nose, he sort of looks like Ralph Fiennes, only on the ugly side)
Hermione:(shrieking) McOh McNo! McIt's McVoldemort!
Voldemort:(hissing) I… curse… you… to…. SHOP AT VOLDE-MART!
(Harry, Ron and Hermione just sit there, eyes wide open and mouths hanging open)
Voldemort:(showing his gigantic warehouse Volde-Mart) WE HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED, FROM TAMPONS TO TOM GREEN FILMS! PUREBLOOD, HALFBLOOD, MUDBLOOD, ALL ARE WELCOME AT…. VOLDE-MART!!!
(waving his hands) COME OUT AND SING IT, LADIES!
(Suddenly Draco, Crabbe and Goyle come out dressed like the Dreamgirls, Draco as Beyonce, Crabbe as Jennifer Hudson, and Goyle as Anika Noni Rose)
(Draco, Crabbe and Goyle: (singing to the tune of Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman)
Volde-Mart, Volde-Mart
Come and shop here at Volde-Mart
With low prices, buy some spices
Prices so low we've super-sliced them
OH, YEAH
COME SHOP HERE AT VOLDE-MART!
(Pansy comes on screen, she might have gained one or two or seven hundred pounds)
Pansy: Let's ask some of our customers what's the best thing about Volde-Mart…
(walks up to Snape, who's pushing his cart full of Gummy Bears)
Pansy: (panting, walking two steps are hard, you know) Pro…(gasp!) fess…(wheeze!) or…. Snape… What can you tell our future customers what's the best thing about Volde-Mart?
Snape:(irritated, eyebrow raised) I like the cow section. It's only place I trust in having my hair licked by a cow. (Hair is dripping with saliva)
(Snape looks at the camera and walks away)
Pansy: (to the camera) I like the cow section too. Especially the part where you eat them. (smiles and long pause) (Looking around) Ah, here's another customer who can tell us what's great about Volde-Mart!
Pansy: Sir! Sir! Do you have a minute?
(Lucius looks up from his tabloid magazine, whose cover says "Ginny Weasley's Boob Job Exclusive!)
Lucius: (looking at Pansy all around) (Five minutes later) What do you want, oompa?
Pansy: (shoving microphone in his face) What's the great thing about Volde-Mart?
Lucius: The lingerie section. I love to buy bras.
Pansy: Oh, how wonderful! I used to have boobs myself. Now it seems my gut has swallowed them… (looks for boobs) Anyway, are they for your beautiful wife?
Lucius: (bored) No, they're for me. (Walks away, on the way he picks up a copy of My Humps)
Pansy: (to the camera) Well, there you have it! Volde-Mart is an excellent place to shop, no matter what! (to Voldemort) TAKE IT AWAY!
Voldemort: (to Pansy) AVADA KEDAVRA!
(Pansy falls dead, the earth shakes and Ron's vase falls)
Voldemort: (to the Dreamgirls) SING IT AGAIN, LADIES!
(Draco comes out in a lovely green dress while Crabbe and Goyle are dressed in rags)
(Same song as above)
Volde-Mart, Volde-Mart,
Come and shop here at Volde-Mart
With low prices, buy some spices
Prices so low we've super-sliced them
OH, YEAH,
COME SHOP HERE AT VOLDE-MART!!!
(Voldemort takes over the entire television screen and yells into the camera)
Voldemort:(cross-eyed) PRICES SO LOW THEY'RE CURSED!
(Click)
(Ron turns off the television. The Trio are in deep shock. Ron breaks the silence)
Ron: (nervously) So, Harry… um… yeah… I guess now the fight against you and Volde-
Mart, I mean, Voldemort is now a corporate one now, huh?
Hermione: (with a worried look on her face) Don't fight him, Harry. You think the wizarding world is hard, well, the corporate world…. it is worse.
Harry:(stammering) W…worse?
Ron: Yeah, as in evil bunnies worse. (Ron tries to impersonate Donald Trump)
(to Harry) You're fired.
(All three are sitting in defeat, Harry may have beaten Voldemort on wizarding terms, but Voldemort is more powerful than ever in the corporate world)
Harry: (sitting upright) Well, there's one thing to do.
Hermione: What, Harry? Burn down Volde-Mart?
Harry: No, I have a better idea…
(Harry, Ron and Hermione are in front of Volde-Mart)
Ron: Harry, you sure you want to do this?
Hermione: Yeah, we can go back if you want to.
Harry: No. Besides, do you really want to abort?
(Ron and Hermione look at each other and smile at Harry)
Ron and Hermione: No.
Harry: Well then, LET'S SHOP HERE AT VOLDE-MART!
All Three: YEAH!
(They jump and give each other high-fives, and the Volde-Mart song is blaring, this time, Draco is singing solo and seductively)
(Same song, only slow and moaning)
Mmmm… Volde-Maaaaaart…. Volde-Maaaaaaaaaaaaart,
Oh, Come and shop here at Vooooooolde-Mart
(touching himself) With low prices, yes! Buy some spices
Prices so loooooooooow
(instantaneous rapping to Lil Jon's Get Low, Lucius and Snape are engaged in a lingerie mudfight)
GET LOW, GET LOW GET LOW GET LOW GET LOW
TO THE WINDOOOWS, TO THE WALLS,
TO THE WALLS,
TO THE SWEAT RIGHT DOWN MY BALLS!
ALL THESE BITCHES CRAWL!
AHH, SKEET SKEET SKEET!!!!
(Back to the orgasmic Volde-Mart song)
Yeah, we've super-sliced them (gyrates hips)
Oooooooh yeah,
Come shop here aaaaaaaat, Vooooooooolde-Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart
(The End)
Yeah, well, I wanted to make fun of everybody. By the way, this was my first fic. YOU GUYS JUST GOT SERVED! Oh, yeah, I hope you enjoyed it.