Welcome to Garen's Manly Man Club. This is my first work for the League of Legend fandom. Although Riot has retconned the Institute of War, I've left it here as a way to have all the champions bunched up in one place. Also, there will be mentions of f/f and m/m couples, but the main focus will be on Garen.
With that being said, I hope you enjoy!
Garen Crownguard grumbled to himself as he was teleported from Summoner's Rift back to the Institute. Today had not been a good day for him in the top lane. He had been matched up against the Yordle pansy Teemo. It had not been fun. Garen enjoyed dueling, clashing swords, fighting hand to hand. Unfortunately, that was the complete opposite of what had happened. When he attempted to spin to win and chop Teemo up, the little yordle would run away like a little girl. When he wanted to charge up to Teemo and silence the brat, Teemo would hit him with a blinding dart and run away, laughing as he did so. Whenever Garen wanted to just kill a minion, Teemo would shoot him with a sissy dart and he would be forced to retreat. At his wit's end, Garen attempted to brute force his way to Teemo and let the yordle have a taste of his Demacian Justice. At that moment, the enemy Shaco decided to pop out from the shadows and stabbed Garen in the back, drawing first blood. From there the game continued to go downhill. Teemo would poop mushrooms all over the map, making it near impossible for Garen to go anywhere without the risk of stepping on one and lose a significant chunk of his health. As a result, his team lost. Badly. Garen wasn't so much upset about the fact they lost as it was how they had lost. The enemy team was full of phonies who weren't willing to fight Garen head-on.
Garen shook his head again as he arrived back to his room. The mighty Demacian juggernaut needed a nice hot shower. As the hot water ran down his body, Garen found that he couldn't forget about what happened. The enemy team hadn't fought him like a honorable Demacian would've. In fact, the enemy team hadn't fought him like a real man would've. That was unacceptable! It was so unfair. Garen merely wanted to test his might against the best the League had to offer in a fair manner. He didn't want to fight a pansy marksman who'd run away whenever possible and shoot him when he had no means to retaliate. As Garen continued to ponder the match , he came to a realization. The entire enemy team were full on pansies who didn't have the balls to fight like a man and had to resort to cheap trickery like poking and turning invisible It wasn't just Teemo and Shaco. The enemy midlaner was the Noxian assassin Talon. The enemy bottom lane consisted of Twitch and Rengar. All of them were sissies who couldn't fight mano a mano and needed to turn invisible to get the jump on their target in order to win a fight. Garen punched the wall. Perhaps he needed to teach them how to fight like a man.
Garen finished his hot shower and got dressed. This was certainly a problem that needed to be tackled. However, Garen wasn't the type of man who'd blindly thrust himself into a problem. He needed to come up with a plan to spread the manliness. First of all though, Garen needed to pay his younger sister Lux a visit. He needed to check up on her and make sure everything was alright. After all, there were some pretty unsavory characters within the league and Mama Crownguard would be angry if Garen let his little sister get hurt on his watch. Besides, a real man was a family man.
Garen left his room and walked down to Lux's room. As he approached his sister's room, he saw that she was right outside of her room. But, she was not alone. There was a blonde male next to her. Garen hid behind the corner as he recognized the male as Ezreal, the pansy explorer. There was only one reason he would be in Lux's room. It was obvious. Ezreal wanted to go on a date with his sister. Garen paled. Ezreal was the very definition of anti-manliness. He looked like a complete sissy with his wavy blonde hair and his incredibly girly dance moves. In fact the first time Garen saw him, he actually thought Ezreal was a cross-dressing girl. Not only that, Ezreal also fought like a little bitch. Real men would buy full ad and just go ham. Ezreal on the other hand would buy his silly tear of the goddess and his wussy gauntlet and would have to run from every skirmish as he'd do absolutely no damage.
"Anyways, Lux, I think you are really cute and I'd like to go out on a date with you," Ezreal finished as he nervously scratched his head.
Garen had heard enough. He burst out of his hiding spot. "You aren't nearly man enough to date my sister!" he declared.
Lux groaned. Her brother meant well, but he came off as a overprotective jerk. "Garen, I can make my own decisions. I don't need you here to embarrass me. Can you please leave? We'll have Crownguard teatime later."
Garen ignored his sister. "I'll let you date my sister Ezreal if you can prove to me you are a real man. I want you to prove your manliness by doing thirty push-ups right now." Ezreal stood still, not sure whether Garen was being serious. "I'm not kidding! Get down and give me thirty!" Garen ordered. Ezreal squeaked, dropped down and began his push-ups. He did the first ten no problem. However, as Ezreal began to get closer to twenty, he found he was having more and more trouble doing a push-up. Finally, as Ezreal got to twenty five, he found he lacked the strength to continue. He slumped down to the ground defeated. "I can't do anymore," he admitted.
"I figured you wouldn't be able to finish the first of the many trials of manliness," Garen laughed. "Stay down on the ground like the wuss that you are."
"Garen, that isn't very nice," Lux admonished. She went down and helped get Ezreal back on his feet. "I'm sorry Ezreal, you are a really nice guy, but there is someone else that I have feelings for."
"Oh, I see." Ezreal's shoulders slumped down. "I guess I'll see you later then." He dejectedly walked away.
Garen was happy. Very happy. His sister had made the right choice and rejected that sucker. Seeing a job well done, he began to walk away. As he walked down the hallway, he began to play back what Lux had said to Ezreal when she turned him down. All of a sudden, a lightbulb went off in his head. His sister had said that there was someone else she had a crush on! Garen's mind raced through all of the possibilities. It could be any guy, It could be the creampuff Taric! It could be a filthy Noxian like Darius or Draven! Not on his watch. He turned back around. Lux had already returned to her room. He dashed back to the door. "Lux, open the door up this instant," he yelled as he pounded on the door.
"Garen, what do you need?" Lux called back out.
"Who is it?" Garen yelled. "Who is the person you have feelings for? It better not be one of the Noxians!" Lux did not answer back. "Tell me this instant!" he yelled again as he continued to pound on the door. "Don't make me come back here with my greatsword and cut down this door!"
"Who keeps making that noise?" Quinn whined as she come out of the next room. "Garen," she acknowledged. "I should've known. You did this same thing last week."
"Quinn, just the woman I wanted to see," Garen remarked as he drew himself closer to Quinn. "Listen Quinn, I need your help," he whispered to the Demacian scout. "Lux has a crush on someone, but she won't tell me who it is. I need to make sure he is man enough to be with my sister."
"Why are you telling me this?" Quinn asked.
"Why? I want you to spy on her. You are a master tracker. You can follow Lux and not get caught. I want you to spend the next week following Lux around the Institute and see if you can find out who her secret crush is and report back to me." Garen was suddenly interrupted as Quinn's partner, her eagle Valor, swooped down and began to peck at Garen. "Ah darn it, Quinn make him stop," he pleaded as Valor continued to harass him.
"Valor, that is enough," Quinn instructed. Valor squawked out in annoyance but flew back onto Quinn's shoulder. She turned to Garen as he recovered from Valor's assault. "Garen, what makes you think I'll listen to your ridiculous request?"
"This is for Demacia?" Garen tried.
Quinn sighed. "If it were really for Demacia, The prince would've told me himself. Look, I have more important things to do. Later." Valor picked her up with his talons and flew away.
Garen cursed aloud. He began to pound on Lux's door again, but there was still no reply. Garen was ready to kick the door down, but Shyvana appeared from across the hall in her dragon form and dragged Garen back to his room. All the pounding had interrupted her beauty sleep and she was upset.
The next morning...
Garen had a terrible night's sleep. All he could think about was how so many champions were not man enough to fight him face to face. He was also disturbed by the fact that Ezreal had tried asking out Lux and how terrible it would have been if he had succeeded. Lastly, he was concerned about Lux's secret crush. He knew that Ezreal spent a little more time than he needed to around his sister, but aside from that, there wasn't any man Lux spent any suspicious amount of time around. Garen knew from all the times he'd follow Lux around the Institute to make sure she wouldn't get into any trouble. Well, it was settled. Garen would need to accelerate his plans on spreading manliness around the Summoner's Institute. And he had just the idea. He was going to form an exclusive club that only those he deemed worthy could join and spread all of their manliness around. The only question is who he'd invite first. There were plenty of possible candidates. As Garen pondered the many possible champions, he quickly came up with the one man that would help him.
"I'm sorry Garen, but Prince Jarvan is currently in a match," Xin Zhao apologized. "Is it important?"
"Important? Extremely important!" Garen cried out. He began to ramble on about how most of the male champions were not manly and how they were attempting to hit on his sister Lux. Xin Zhao wasn't paying any attention though. Garen usually came running in with some insignificant concern about Demacia or his sister. At this point, everyone would humor the man, but ultimately not listen to a word he was saying. As Garen continued to go on and on, Xin Zhao found that he was getting incredibly annoyed. Finally, he couldn't take it. With one sweep of his spear, Xin Zhao sent Garen sprawling backwards out of the room. He hurried to close and lock the door before Garen to recover and charge back in. Fortunately, he succeeded. Garen was left outside pounding on the door, demanding to be let back in.
After fifteen minutes, Garen gave up. It looked like the weenie head Xin Zhao wasn't going to budge. Garen didn't have any matches for the next three days, so he decided to go the gym and work out some of his frustration. As he arrived, he noticed that there was only one other person currently in the gym. Garen stopped and stared. Pantheon was currently lifting weights off the ground. Garen entered the gym and began some warm-up stretches. While stretching himself out, Garen continued to watch Pantheon. A brilliant idea flashed through his head. He'd get Pantheon to join his club! After all, they didn't call him Mantheon for no reason. Pantheon had chiseled abs, bulging biceps, and sexy man legs that even Garen would commit mass murder to obtain. The Demacian walked over to Pantheon. "Pantheon, how is it going?" he greeted.
"Garen, it is good to see you again! I'm doing great. How is my favorite work-out partner doing?" Pantheon replied back as he shook Garen's hand.
"Terrible!" Garen lamented. "I was beaten around yesterday by that sissy Teemo and then Ezreal tried to ask out my sister on a date."
"Wait, Lux didn't actually agree did she?" Pantheon asked.
"No, my sister is smarter than that," Garen answered. "However, she admitted that she does have feelings for someone here and I'm afraid it could be someone who isn't up to my manly standards."
"Would I qualify?" Pantheon inquired.
Garen glared at the warrior. "You would," he admitted. "But I don't think your Demacian enough for her. Anyway, the real reason I'm here is that I'm actually looking to form a club for manly men such as yourself."
"That actually sounds like a great idea!" Pantheon said. "I'm in! Who else is in the club right now?"
"So far just you and me," Garen replied. "I'm the head of the club."
"You are the head?" Pantheon snorted. Garen gave him a dirty look. "Well, it's just that you get a raging boner every time that Katarina chick shows up. I don't think you are trustworthy enough to be the leader."
"Can you blame me? She is so hot! Besides, I'm not the only one here with a weakness for redheads. What about every time Leona passes by?"
"I have good reason." Pantheon walked over to where he had laid down his shield and spear. He pulled out a Piltoverian tablet from behind his shield and went back to where Garen was waiting. Garen raised his eyebrow as he saw Pantheon's tablet. "A gift from Heimerdinger. He really comes up with some brilliant inventions," Pantheon explained as he turned it on. "Give me a second here," he said as he dabbled with the tablet. "Ah, here we go!" he exclaimed as kissing noises began to play from the tablet.
Garen quickly peeked over Pantheon's shoulder to watch. "Wait... is that Leona... and Diana?"
Pantheon grinned. "Oh yea. I had the Donger install some hidden cameras and microphones in both their rooms."
Garen looked confused. "I though they hated each other?"
"Apparently not." Pantheon said. At this moment, Leona entered the gym. "Hi Pantheon," she warmly greeted her friend. "Garen. What are you two watching?"
"Er...nothing" Pantheon quickly stammered as he rushed to try and turn off the tablet. Unfortunately at this very instant, a loud moan rang out from the tablet. "Oh Diana..." Leona's voice played out.
Leona's face turned red with fury and embarrassment. "How dare you! Pantheon, I thought you were my friend!" she roared as she raised her sword and called down a great solar flare where Pantheon and Garen were standing.
"Wait, let me explain," Pantheon attempted to plead. However, both men could only stand still in fear as they were blasted by the beam of solar energy.
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