Everything for him always felt like a struggle. Inside of himself was a constant battle to be the man he thought his Dad wanted him to be. The same type of loving accomplished man that his Father was. Mostly, he felt like he was lost trying to be something that was impossible for him because for the most part he hated everything that he saw when he looked in the mirror. On the other hand there was no question in his mind that his wife would have made his Dad proud. She was smart,driven, loving and beautiful but above all she gave him so much strength. She refused to let him quit, she believed in him. As much as he really couldn't understand what she saw in him. He wouldn't have traded it for the world. When he thought of the future with her he had hope. Hope was something that he had lost when his Dad died. It never failed to bring a smile to his face to imagine his Dad meeting his wife. He would picture them laughing together and of his Dad sneaking him a quick wink and a thumbs up behind her back.
Becoming a Doctor was something that he had hoped would make him feel accomplished and worthy of love and respect. Yet, still he felt like he had a way to go before he had really earned it. The only one foolishly shared any of those thoughts with was Mark. His best friend, the same man that could make him feel dull and lifeless without meaning to at all. It came so easy for Mark he had the look, the talk and the confidence or (at least appearance of) to win in life. He did it all effortlessly and was fairly obvious to it as well. All of that Derek envied. Even though he hated it and went to great lengths to hid it well and Even in the face of Mark idolizing him. The sad thing was that no matter who told him that he was too hard on himself, Even if he wanted to believe it he couldn't feel it.
The first real sting Derek felt where Mark and Addi was concerned was with her parents. Addi's parents or more specifically her father was over protective man and seemed to hate Derek on sight whereas Mark was adored. Addison would never agree. She always claimed that it was only because Derek was the one that she was with that her Father made it tougher for him. Derek really buy it. As the years passed he grew more comfortable with him. Although, Derek always knew that he still had allot of proving to do to this man in order for him to really accept him as family.
The tough thing for Derek was in his heart he knew he would never be able to achieve the family acceptance he wanted. Deep down he didn't feel like he deserved his wife. He was lucky she said yes that was his fact. That knowledge kept him struggling everyday to make it, to own a home like the one she grew up in, to be the top in his profession, to give her a family and a life that she deserved.
Unbeknownst to him that in the end it would be his insecurities that would destroy them.
As Derek sat finally catching his breath he allowed his mind to piece together the events of the last 13 years of his life to his horror.
He thought back to the day he came home so excited to tell Addison that Richard Webber had called to say that in about a year he would have an opening. This was going to get him that much closer to the dream. Richard wanted them both to transfer to Seattle Grace Hospital where he would succeed him to become Chief of Surgery. What was even more exciting is that Addi too would have one of her dreams to head up the Neonatal department with additional grants for research. He couldn't remove the smile from his face to entire way from the subway to the Brownstone. He was thinking all all of the things that he needed to do order dinner, pick up some wine then he noticed the mail. He picked up the stacked and started to weed through it until he noticed the one thing he was a little taken back to see. The envelope was from the fertility specialist that he had seen a week prior.
They had been trying for almost two years to have a baby and nothing. Addi kept telling that it would happen when it was meant to but he couldn't shake his fear that something wasn't right. The test results he held in his hands confirmed his fear. He couldn't have children. He felt his insides go numb.
It was from that point on everything changed. Derek felt like he had his sign. The sign that told him he was right all along. Not only wasn't he good enough but he was a failure. He failed his wife and he failed his own dream.
He never was able to bring himself to tell Addison anything about that day.He burned the results in the fireplace then turned and walked out of the house.
He know that the man that returned the next night was not the same man.
He knew that he wasn't exactly planning what came next but somewhere inside he knew it's what he wanted deep down. For the next year he worked as much as he could. He didn't know how to look his wife in the eye. All he felt was misery. Little by little he resented the feeling and the weight of all of the pain and lies. He wanted to push her way he wanted her to leave. He knew that if he did that one day she could start over. He just never expected it to happen the way it did.
He looked at himself in the mirror and realized that he had no idea who he was anymore. The thing about it was he no longer cared because tonight his EX-Wife come home from a vacation to L.A. to tell him that SHE couldn't have children. The only reaction he could give her before storming off was "How Ironic".
The End
A/N
Ok, So my thought was that Derek never told Addi anything and that even though her ending up with Mark shocked and really threw him deep down he blames himself. So he went to Seattle and settled for someone that he did feel good enough for. Enter the train wreck that is Meredith. See how poor of a self image my Derek has? His insecurities destroyed his marriage and I'm not sure he even fully gets it yet. So that's why he's such an ass, It's just a defense. Like he said he's just "hiding his pain". (I'm on a roll) And all of the longing looks for Mere chalk that up to pity. Yup, pity because he knows how bad she has it and he sympathizes. So he sabotaged his second chance so Addi could go have a better life. He knows all he deserves is a life of whining in a trailer. : )
I'm going to pretend that's what's going on with canon Derek. That way I can stop cursing him out every Thursday...