It's said: Unleash your imagination... Well, that's what I'm doing here.
Izaya's POV, Raira days.
Italic means thoughts.
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination and the scenes.
Btw, it's kind of depressing. :/
Drowning in solitude, feeling the breeze caress his cheeks as he detaches himself from the subdued sounds of the town, he sits calmly. His legs swinging over the edge of his seat, they were light and he almost feels like flying...he almost tries to fly, because it was the top of a very high building where he is sitting, contemplating.
He knew he'd feel good if he had someone to exchange his ideas with, that he'd feel much more relieved. And it isn't hard to get a person for this task, he is quite popular and outgoing when he decided to be. But today, it is different. He is not considering feeling better, nor is he expecting his contemplation to make him more relaxed, because actually, it was quite the opposite.
Today, he decided, was the day. He had been at this skyscraper before this day, he found this spot long ago, but it never invoked this feeling, abhorrent feeling of loneliness and self-loathing, until lately.
Until a week ago, this place was his favorite. It was his only shelter from the cruel world, its silence was the shroud to his conflicted emotions, it was his special hide out when he needed to be alone. He often complained here where no one was hearing, he screamed and cried when he felt lonely, betrayed, useless and pathetic, and no one was there, never there, because who would hang around at the top of a skyscraper at moments of dawn and dusk? But then, after a moment of weakness, he'd feel better and free and fresh as new, he'd be as happy-go-lucky as he's used to be, all thanks to the skyscraper he found solace within its confines.
A gust of air blew his hair as he tries to stand at the edge of the building, swaying slightly. When he finds his balance, he looks down, immediately feeling the wave of vertigo creeping up to him but he decides not to avert his eyes. He is used to heights, easily walked on the rooftops of the city, but his messed-up thoughts right now made him forget for a split of second how to deal with vertigo. He isn't hesitating, he isn't afraid, he isn't panicking, and his hands are definitely not shaking, or so he's telling himself. However, at all costs, he can't hesitate now, because he already made the decision.
One step, and everything will be okay. Just one step. And he's not going to miss it.
And then, he smiles, all doubts vanishing and his ever-present confident making itself appear again. He takes a deep breath, recalling the causes that led him here and believing that all the suffering will end -for him and for everyone he knew- once he takes that one step. He then gazes at the sky, smiling fondly as if bidding it a bittersweet goodbye. He finally closes his eyes, lifts his right feet in the air, peeking at the alleyway beneath him, and he puts all his weigh on it.
Suddenly, he trips.
His eyes widen, his heartbeats quicken, his breath hitches, his limps start to tremble as he's falling backward. His eyes filling with tears as he lands on his backside.
What?
What did just happen?
What the hell have I just done?!
Oh god!
Did I miss it!? Did I freaking miss it!?
Oh..
I just missed the stupid fall...oh gosh...
His body gives a shudder as his eyes burn 'It can't be happening'. He starts to tremble as his facade finally crumbles, violent tremors shaking him and he stares forward. He can do it again, he will do it again! He crawls rapidly until he clutches the edge of the building and peekes at the road beneath. It is so blurry he can't even make things, because tears are falling horribly down. A painful sob unintentionally breaks out, followed by others and he gazed eagerly down, a hand reaching forward trying to achieve what he failed to do. And then, hell broke loose.
He starts to scream, loudly, frighteningly loud as he sobs for his failure. I couldn't do it! I didn't do it! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! . He is scared, frightened, because even if he already met death before -in some intense fights-, now was the worst. He couldn't believe what he was about to do. He never wanted to die, yet he went and tried to do it. Oh gosh, it would have been painful, extremely so... who said he would be cast into oblivion as if nothing happened? Who said that the after-world won't punish him for his sins? His horrible sins. Oh, who said his life then won't be as hellish as now?! Or worse for that matter?!
And he continues to cry, tears mingling with snot and his screams fading into the sounds of the busy town. I don't want to die, not now, please don't make me die! He begs himself, all the while recalling the horrible sensation as he thought it would be over, as he fed himself with lies that everything would be alright, as he feigned confidence to the extant that he believed he was confident enough to do it. He cries as if there was no tomorrow, and eventually sleeps, lulled by his inner voice promising not to do that ever again.
And that was how he realized that even if he took a resolution about it he could never do it, because he wanted to live, no matter how cruel, repugnant, and miserable his life was, he would surpass it. He doesn't want to feel that fear ever again, and he won't.
Chapter 1 done. Comments? Questions? Criticism? Please Review.