Disclaimer: I am not rich and don't own much. I don't make money of this
story and only in my wildest dreams do I own the Harry Potter characters
and worlds. Besides we all know that J.K.Rowling is better at writing about
them than I am.
A/N: This story is slash don't bother reading if you don't like slash. (Use the back button to leave you gits!) For the rest of you enjoy my work in progress!
I know how I feel By Potter Brother
Chapter 1: Questions
I know how I feel, but what if I told him? Would he feel the same? Be disgusted? Or never even speak to me again? The truth is I can't risk it. He is my best friend and why should I ruin it just because it is my dream to make it more? I mean, in normal circumstances I would tell him exactly how I feel. But these are not normal, are they, I'm a guy, and I love my best-male-friend! I have a mental argument with my self every night, should I or shouldn't I? Is it worth? Could he possibly feel the same way about me? But the truth is that I only ever answer these questions with questions. The only other question that I want to know the answer to is, am I gay?
It has taken me five years to work this out, I love him. But instead of telling him I settle for lying in bed when everyone else is asleep and watching him sleeping. He is skinny for his age; his physique is well developed though, mostly because of quiditch, and those green eyes and that black hair. Oh how I want him. It isn't about sex or lust. It's about love. The love that will never be, the love that could be and the love that is.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
The summer holidays were almost over, with a week to go. The Burrow was cleaner than I had ever seen it. Everyone was tense about You-Know-Who's return and the start of the school year. Dad was constantly traveling between home, Hogwarts and the Ministry trying to help Dumbledore in what ever way he could. Percy was helping dad too, as he had been made head of his department. Mother had a fit of cleaning and cooking which never seemed to end, she even cooked some exotic dishes, which was unusual for her. Fred and George were up to their usual tricks, or so we assumed as they were always so secretive about what they were doing in their room. Ginny was always using the fireplace, talking to people, like she did day in and day out anyway. I however kept my mind occupied with helping mum with the house work and of course with thinking about Harry.
I had been writing to Harry all summer and I even managed to talk to him on the 'telophone'. I had finally managed the impossible; Harry was coming at five o'clock to stay with us for the rest of the holidays like he did every year. In just a few hours time I would be able to see him smell him and hear him, but only touch him in the most accidental ways. It was going to be torture, but torture well worth it. He would be away from those Muggles he lived with and able to be himself.
I had been writing to Hermione as well. She was in Bulgaria on holiday visiting Krum, so she wouldn't be coming to visit this summer but would be back in time to make the Hogwarts express. I really don't know what she sees in that guy. I mean sure he is famous, but he isn't all that good looking and he doesn't seem to have the greatest of personalities either. But I am not the one who has to be happy with him. Five o'clock was fast approaching and I was fast approaching anxiety. And then I realized that nobody had told me how Harry would be getting here. I knew it wouldn't be by floo powder as his fireplace wasn't connected. He couldn't fly here on his broomstick; besides the fact that it was illegal he had way too much to carry with him. So I had to go to my usual source of information around home. Mum.
"Mum. How is Harry getting here?"
"Your father said he would pick him up, apparently he has a work car for the week."
"Really? But that's such a boring way to travel."
"Harry didn't seem to think so. Those Muggles never seem to take him on long car trips."
Mum said the last words as though she were holding back on saying something a lot worse than I had ever heard her say. She didn't seem to think much about the Muggles Harry lived with but she never said anything to us kids.
Five o'clock came and went, it was now six thirty and Harry still hadn't arrived. I was getting worried, what if something had happened. I had heard so many stories about how unsafe Muggle transportation was and this was a long drive. But finally at seven twenty three a car came up the drive way and pulled into the garage. I ran out to greet them as they were just lifting out Harry's trunk from the boot.
"Hello Harry." I had to restrain my self from just letting go of all my self control so as to stop my self from just hugging him until he couldn't breathe. "Long trip?"
"It was excellent! We even made a few stops at some interesting places."
Apparently they had stopped a total of eight times, half of which were to get food, and saw some great scenery. I wish I had of been there. I just seemed to be jealous of anyone that got to spend time with him. Even the Durselys.
"Harry dear, come and sit down I just finished baking some gingerbread cookies. Help your self but be careful they don't escape from the tin." My mother said as she handed him a tin that seemed to be rattling beneath her tight grip. Harry, intrigued looked at me, and I nodded, and he opened the lid slightly and managed to pick one. Before I knew what was going on Harry was sucking his finger and the gingerbread man was running out the door. "Be careful, they're hot Harry." I said sarcastically realizing why he dropped it. At this we all laughed and Harry, slowly, took another one and began to eat it.
After several gingerbread men each we headed up to my room to put Harry's stuff away and catch up. As soon as we were away from everyone else Harry's mood suddenly changed. He was no longer cheery or even smiling. He in fact looked like he had been given a dementor's kiss. I decided to keep quite until we were in my room were we could talk without worrying weather anyone was listening. "Harry what's wrong? You look so . so . so dead." Harry began to shed tears, tears that so obviously contained pain.
"It's nothing." He choked.
"Come on Harry, then why are you crying then if it is nothing? You can tell me." Harry's tears began to run like a tap and where slowly joined with the sounds of Harry's sobbing. I felt so useless.
"How can I face going back? How can I face them? How..." But he stopped there as though he thought better of it, or perhaps just of the last question.
"What do you mean Harry?"
"I killed him! It's my fault he's dead. And everyone knows it!" He sounded angry, but not at me or anyone else. He was angry at him self.
"If you mean Cedric, then you could never be more wrong. You-Know-Who killed him, and if those idiots at school would just listen to Dumbledore for one minute then they would know it too." I spat the last words out as though they were a horrible taste in my mouth. How could Harry think HE was responsible for Cedric Diggory's death? He was there, he saw Voldermort kill him. "Besides. You even said that Cedric had only requested that his body be taken back to his parents and that he then helped you get away from You-Know-Who. Obviously he doesn't blame you!"
At this Harry was speechless. I had made a good point. Cedric wouldn't have helped Harry if he thought Harry had killed him. Cedric was a Hufflepuff, just and loyal, so if he had believed Harry had killed him he probably would have thought it just that Harry were killed to.
After a long silence Harry finally found his voice. "You're right Ron. You always are. I guess I just felt guilty, that even though he died and then helped me get away from Voldermort, I had lived and was getting all the credit. All the rewards." At this I finally saw a smile on his face that wasn't forced, or insincere. He was finally happy.
"Dinner boys!' Mum voice bellowed up the stairs. I found myself overwhelmed with the smells of my mothers cooking wafting up the stairs and realized that I was very hungry.
The kitchen table was full of different foods, some of which I had never seen, and some where the same as always; Mashed potatoes and gravy, Roast vegetables, Roast Chicken and chips. A typical Weasley feast, we may have been poor, but we ate and lived like kings. With eight of us eating, especially with one us being a starved Harry, the food was soon gone and Mother cleared the table.
After dinner we all sat in the lounge room drinking hot chocolates. I could tell he was thinking about it again. His eyes lost the life in them again. He looked as good as dead. It hurt that I couldn't help him right there and then, he was hurting and all I wanted to do was hold him while he cried it out of his system. But I knew that I couldn't do that in front of everyone.
As soon as it didn't seem rude I hinted to Harry that I wanted to talk to him and told everyone that I was going to bed. I headed straight for my room going up the stairs slowly. It hadn't even been thirty seconds before Harry walked through the door. His eyes still dead. He must have seen me staring at him because he just burst into tears and collapsed onto the ground. I could finally do what I wanted. I walked over to him and put my arms around him trying my hardest to bring the guilt out of him.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* The sun shone through the window making the posters around the room turn the whole room orange. Harry still had his arms around me. I had slept in his arms that night. Wow. I had done what I had wanted for years. I had slept with Harry potter by my side. Not wanting to have the awkwardness ruin the day I crawled out of Harry's arms and headed for the bath room to take a shower. The shower woke me up instantly. But some how I could still smell Harry on me. I had thought that the shower would wash it off me and so had taken a few minutes before to take in the aroma. It was still there.
Harry was just waking up when I walked in the room. His clothes were all crumpled from sleeping in them. But his eyes had life shining through them again and that made everything ok. "Morning Harry." Perhaps a little to cheerful for the morning but I was happy, so why not. Apparently Harry didn't agree with the why not.
"Morning. It's too early to be cheerful."
"I just slept well that's all. The showers free if you want."
"Thanks" With that he picked out some clothes and a towel form his trunk and walked out the room towards the bath room.
I had been writing poetry secretly for some time now and this morning gave me such inspiration that I wrote four more poems to add to my collection. They were about Harry, always about Harry and my love for him. Not all of them mentioned Harry or anything about him, just my love. I didn't want to show anyone. This was the one thing I could be proud of my self for so I didn't want anyone to see it and then hear them tell me it is crap. In a way this was the secret that I wanted to keep secret more than my love for Harry. At least if someone found out about my feelings for him they wouldn't know about the poetry. But if someone were to read my poetry it would cause both secrets to be known.
I had just managed to put my book away as the door opened and Harry walked in looking and smelling as good as ever. There was a bounce in his step this morning that I hadn't seen since straight after the first task last year when we started talking again. He was definitely happy about something. But I didn't want to jinx it so I didn't ask. It was good to see him happy again.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully. We went to the hill and practiced Quidditch. Fred and George degnomed the garden because they had tricked Ginny into trying one of the candies, which caused her hair to constantly change color. Percy and father were at work.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
After three uneventful days at the Burrow, since Harry arrived, it was finally time to make our yearly visit to Diagon Alley. It wouldn't be the same this year though as Hermione would not be meeting us there as she did all the previous years. She was doing her shopping in Bulgaria with "Vicky". So instead we had planned to meet up with Dean, Seamus and Neville. Ginny had her friends she was meeting up with and the twins were meeting up with their friend Lee.
We all traveled by floo powder, much to Harry's dismay, and went off in our separate ways. Mum had given me some money to spend until we met up with her at Flourish and Blotts. So Harry and I made our way to Quality Quidditch Supplies to meet up with the others. When we got there Harry went poking around to see whether he needed anything for his broom. But once he was done we made our way to the Leaky Cauldron for some butterbeer.
Considering there was only two days before school started the place was quiet. Normally there were people everywhere talking, drinking and eating after a long day of shopping for the new school year. Just as I was about to ask Tom why it was so quiet an arrogant voice behind me made me look around.
"Oh look, its potty and the weasel. What no Mudblood? Nice to see you finally grew some sense Potter. Now if only you would lose this fag you would start being respected."
Before I had a any of us had a chance to knock him senseless he was on the ground bawling his eyes out holding the back of his head which appeared to be bleeding, and there behind him was Hermione Granger and her boy friend Victor Krum. Hermione was standing over the pathetic ferret with a book that must have weighed a tone.
"Hermione! What.. We... How.?" was all any of us managed to get out.
"You scare me some times, you know that." And that I gave her a hug. It was fun to see the jealousy shoot straight to Vicky's eyes. As if she knew the questions everyone had tried to ask Hermione went on in her matter-of-fact voice. "I decide to come back early and Victor is training her in London for a few months, so we decided to surprise you guys. Surprise." Without any notice we were a huge clump of people hugging Hermione. I have no idea how she was breathing, I could hardly breath.
No one noticed Malfoy leave. But we didn't care. The group of us was enjoying each others company. Even Victor seemed to be enjoying himself. He and Harry seemed to be talking about Quidditch a lot though. Damn jealousy. Then I had a though. What if Victor could see that I had a crush on Harry and he was just getting revenge on me of the way I made him jealous? I couldn't handle him knowing!
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Harry, Hermione and I said good bye to everyone and made our way to Flourish and Blotts to meet my mother and the rest of the family. There didn't seem to be any commotion at Flourish and Blotts this year. In our second year there was Gilderoy Lockhart signing autographs on his fake books. The year after that there was a line to get our care of magical creatures book and last year, well we didn't come last year. But it was definitely weird seeing it as if it were just a normal day.
We brought our books and some more and made our way through Diagon Alley buying everything we needed for the school year. After that we made our way back to the Leaky Cauldron to go home. We said good bye to Victor and Hermione and then had a bite to eat before going home. Harry paid. It took a lot of convincing but he manged to convince mum that it was his way of repaying us for our kindness. That made me really blush and I was glad he didn't see.
A/N: This story is slash don't bother reading if you don't like slash. (Use the back button to leave you gits!) For the rest of you enjoy my work in progress!
I know how I feel By Potter Brother
Chapter 1: Questions
I know how I feel, but what if I told him? Would he feel the same? Be disgusted? Or never even speak to me again? The truth is I can't risk it. He is my best friend and why should I ruin it just because it is my dream to make it more? I mean, in normal circumstances I would tell him exactly how I feel. But these are not normal, are they, I'm a guy, and I love my best-male-friend! I have a mental argument with my self every night, should I or shouldn't I? Is it worth? Could he possibly feel the same way about me? But the truth is that I only ever answer these questions with questions. The only other question that I want to know the answer to is, am I gay?
It has taken me five years to work this out, I love him. But instead of telling him I settle for lying in bed when everyone else is asleep and watching him sleeping. He is skinny for his age; his physique is well developed though, mostly because of quiditch, and those green eyes and that black hair. Oh how I want him. It isn't about sex or lust. It's about love. The love that will never be, the love that could be and the love that is.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
The summer holidays were almost over, with a week to go. The Burrow was cleaner than I had ever seen it. Everyone was tense about You-Know-Who's return and the start of the school year. Dad was constantly traveling between home, Hogwarts and the Ministry trying to help Dumbledore in what ever way he could. Percy was helping dad too, as he had been made head of his department. Mother had a fit of cleaning and cooking which never seemed to end, she even cooked some exotic dishes, which was unusual for her. Fred and George were up to their usual tricks, or so we assumed as they were always so secretive about what they were doing in their room. Ginny was always using the fireplace, talking to people, like she did day in and day out anyway. I however kept my mind occupied with helping mum with the house work and of course with thinking about Harry.
I had been writing to Harry all summer and I even managed to talk to him on the 'telophone'. I had finally managed the impossible; Harry was coming at five o'clock to stay with us for the rest of the holidays like he did every year. In just a few hours time I would be able to see him smell him and hear him, but only touch him in the most accidental ways. It was going to be torture, but torture well worth it. He would be away from those Muggles he lived with and able to be himself.
I had been writing to Hermione as well. She was in Bulgaria on holiday visiting Krum, so she wouldn't be coming to visit this summer but would be back in time to make the Hogwarts express. I really don't know what she sees in that guy. I mean sure he is famous, but he isn't all that good looking and he doesn't seem to have the greatest of personalities either. But I am not the one who has to be happy with him. Five o'clock was fast approaching and I was fast approaching anxiety. And then I realized that nobody had told me how Harry would be getting here. I knew it wouldn't be by floo powder as his fireplace wasn't connected. He couldn't fly here on his broomstick; besides the fact that it was illegal he had way too much to carry with him. So I had to go to my usual source of information around home. Mum.
"Mum. How is Harry getting here?"
"Your father said he would pick him up, apparently he has a work car for the week."
"Really? But that's such a boring way to travel."
"Harry didn't seem to think so. Those Muggles never seem to take him on long car trips."
Mum said the last words as though she were holding back on saying something a lot worse than I had ever heard her say. She didn't seem to think much about the Muggles Harry lived with but she never said anything to us kids.
Five o'clock came and went, it was now six thirty and Harry still hadn't arrived. I was getting worried, what if something had happened. I had heard so many stories about how unsafe Muggle transportation was and this was a long drive. But finally at seven twenty three a car came up the drive way and pulled into the garage. I ran out to greet them as they were just lifting out Harry's trunk from the boot.
"Hello Harry." I had to restrain my self from just letting go of all my self control so as to stop my self from just hugging him until he couldn't breathe. "Long trip?"
"It was excellent! We even made a few stops at some interesting places."
Apparently they had stopped a total of eight times, half of which were to get food, and saw some great scenery. I wish I had of been there. I just seemed to be jealous of anyone that got to spend time with him. Even the Durselys.
"Harry dear, come and sit down I just finished baking some gingerbread cookies. Help your self but be careful they don't escape from the tin." My mother said as she handed him a tin that seemed to be rattling beneath her tight grip. Harry, intrigued looked at me, and I nodded, and he opened the lid slightly and managed to pick one. Before I knew what was going on Harry was sucking his finger and the gingerbread man was running out the door. "Be careful, they're hot Harry." I said sarcastically realizing why he dropped it. At this we all laughed and Harry, slowly, took another one and began to eat it.
After several gingerbread men each we headed up to my room to put Harry's stuff away and catch up. As soon as we were away from everyone else Harry's mood suddenly changed. He was no longer cheery or even smiling. He in fact looked like he had been given a dementor's kiss. I decided to keep quite until we were in my room were we could talk without worrying weather anyone was listening. "Harry what's wrong? You look so . so . so dead." Harry began to shed tears, tears that so obviously contained pain.
"It's nothing." He choked.
"Come on Harry, then why are you crying then if it is nothing? You can tell me." Harry's tears began to run like a tap and where slowly joined with the sounds of Harry's sobbing. I felt so useless.
"How can I face going back? How can I face them? How..." But he stopped there as though he thought better of it, or perhaps just of the last question.
"What do you mean Harry?"
"I killed him! It's my fault he's dead. And everyone knows it!" He sounded angry, but not at me or anyone else. He was angry at him self.
"If you mean Cedric, then you could never be more wrong. You-Know-Who killed him, and if those idiots at school would just listen to Dumbledore for one minute then they would know it too." I spat the last words out as though they were a horrible taste in my mouth. How could Harry think HE was responsible for Cedric Diggory's death? He was there, he saw Voldermort kill him. "Besides. You even said that Cedric had only requested that his body be taken back to his parents and that he then helped you get away from You-Know-Who. Obviously he doesn't blame you!"
At this Harry was speechless. I had made a good point. Cedric wouldn't have helped Harry if he thought Harry had killed him. Cedric was a Hufflepuff, just and loyal, so if he had believed Harry had killed him he probably would have thought it just that Harry were killed to.
After a long silence Harry finally found his voice. "You're right Ron. You always are. I guess I just felt guilty, that even though he died and then helped me get away from Voldermort, I had lived and was getting all the credit. All the rewards." At this I finally saw a smile on his face that wasn't forced, or insincere. He was finally happy.
"Dinner boys!' Mum voice bellowed up the stairs. I found myself overwhelmed with the smells of my mothers cooking wafting up the stairs and realized that I was very hungry.
The kitchen table was full of different foods, some of which I had never seen, and some where the same as always; Mashed potatoes and gravy, Roast vegetables, Roast Chicken and chips. A typical Weasley feast, we may have been poor, but we ate and lived like kings. With eight of us eating, especially with one us being a starved Harry, the food was soon gone and Mother cleared the table.
After dinner we all sat in the lounge room drinking hot chocolates. I could tell he was thinking about it again. His eyes lost the life in them again. He looked as good as dead. It hurt that I couldn't help him right there and then, he was hurting and all I wanted to do was hold him while he cried it out of his system. But I knew that I couldn't do that in front of everyone.
As soon as it didn't seem rude I hinted to Harry that I wanted to talk to him and told everyone that I was going to bed. I headed straight for my room going up the stairs slowly. It hadn't even been thirty seconds before Harry walked through the door. His eyes still dead. He must have seen me staring at him because he just burst into tears and collapsed onto the ground. I could finally do what I wanted. I walked over to him and put my arms around him trying my hardest to bring the guilt out of him.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* The sun shone through the window making the posters around the room turn the whole room orange. Harry still had his arms around me. I had slept in his arms that night. Wow. I had done what I had wanted for years. I had slept with Harry potter by my side. Not wanting to have the awkwardness ruin the day I crawled out of Harry's arms and headed for the bath room to take a shower. The shower woke me up instantly. But some how I could still smell Harry on me. I had thought that the shower would wash it off me and so had taken a few minutes before to take in the aroma. It was still there.
Harry was just waking up when I walked in the room. His clothes were all crumpled from sleeping in them. But his eyes had life shining through them again and that made everything ok. "Morning Harry." Perhaps a little to cheerful for the morning but I was happy, so why not. Apparently Harry didn't agree with the why not.
"Morning. It's too early to be cheerful."
"I just slept well that's all. The showers free if you want."
"Thanks" With that he picked out some clothes and a towel form his trunk and walked out the room towards the bath room.
I had been writing poetry secretly for some time now and this morning gave me such inspiration that I wrote four more poems to add to my collection. They were about Harry, always about Harry and my love for him. Not all of them mentioned Harry or anything about him, just my love. I didn't want to show anyone. This was the one thing I could be proud of my self for so I didn't want anyone to see it and then hear them tell me it is crap. In a way this was the secret that I wanted to keep secret more than my love for Harry. At least if someone found out about my feelings for him they wouldn't know about the poetry. But if someone were to read my poetry it would cause both secrets to be known.
I had just managed to put my book away as the door opened and Harry walked in looking and smelling as good as ever. There was a bounce in his step this morning that I hadn't seen since straight after the first task last year when we started talking again. He was definitely happy about something. But I didn't want to jinx it so I didn't ask. It was good to see him happy again.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully. We went to the hill and practiced Quidditch. Fred and George degnomed the garden because they had tricked Ginny into trying one of the candies, which caused her hair to constantly change color. Percy and father were at work.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
After three uneventful days at the Burrow, since Harry arrived, it was finally time to make our yearly visit to Diagon Alley. It wouldn't be the same this year though as Hermione would not be meeting us there as she did all the previous years. She was doing her shopping in Bulgaria with "Vicky". So instead we had planned to meet up with Dean, Seamus and Neville. Ginny had her friends she was meeting up with and the twins were meeting up with their friend Lee.
We all traveled by floo powder, much to Harry's dismay, and went off in our separate ways. Mum had given me some money to spend until we met up with her at Flourish and Blotts. So Harry and I made our way to Quality Quidditch Supplies to meet up with the others. When we got there Harry went poking around to see whether he needed anything for his broom. But once he was done we made our way to the Leaky Cauldron for some butterbeer.
Considering there was only two days before school started the place was quiet. Normally there were people everywhere talking, drinking and eating after a long day of shopping for the new school year. Just as I was about to ask Tom why it was so quiet an arrogant voice behind me made me look around.
"Oh look, its potty and the weasel. What no Mudblood? Nice to see you finally grew some sense Potter. Now if only you would lose this fag you would start being respected."
Before I had a any of us had a chance to knock him senseless he was on the ground bawling his eyes out holding the back of his head which appeared to be bleeding, and there behind him was Hermione Granger and her boy friend Victor Krum. Hermione was standing over the pathetic ferret with a book that must have weighed a tone.
"Hermione! What.. We... How.?" was all any of us managed to get out.
"You scare me some times, you know that." And that I gave her a hug. It was fun to see the jealousy shoot straight to Vicky's eyes. As if she knew the questions everyone had tried to ask Hermione went on in her matter-of-fact voice. "I decide to come back early and Victor is training her in London for a few months, so we decided to surprise you guys. Surprise." Without any notice we were a huge clump of people hugging Hermione. I have no idea how she was breathing, I could hardly breath.
No one noticed Malfoy leave. But we didn't care. The group of us was enjoying each others company. Even Victor seemed to be enjoying himself. He and Harry seemed to be talking about Quidditch a lot though. Damn jealousy. Then I had a though. What if Victor could see that I had a crush on Harry and he was just getting revenge on me of the way I made him jealous? I couldn't handle him knowing!
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Harry, Hermione and I said good bye to everyone and made our way to Flourish and Blotts to meet my mother and the rest of the family. There didn't seem to be any commotion at Flourish and Blotts this year. In our second year there was Gilderoy Lockhart signing autographs on his fake books. The year after that there was a line to get our care of magical creatures book and last year, well we didn't come last year. But it was definitely weird seeing it as if it were just a normal day.
We brought our books and some more and made our way through Diagon Alley buying everything we needed for the school year. After that we made our way back to the Leaky Cauldron to go home. We said good bye to Victor and Hermione and then had a bite to eat before going home. Harry paid. It took a lot of convincing but he manged to convince mum that it was his way of repaying us for our kindness. That made me really blush and I was glad he didn't see.