The letter had come through. B'Elanna knew she shouldn't read it but Tom was in a precarious mood at the moment. She knew it wasn't her job to protect him but she couldn't help it. If his father wasted his precious communication time acting like a jerk then B'Elanna wanted to run interference. She was still in turmoil over Chakotay's news and wasn't in a good place. She wasn't handling it well. She pushed the feelings down, way down as she tried to concentrate on her job.

Tom,

You cannot image the joy we felt when we learned from your EMH that you were still alive. We had held a memorial service for you and we were still going through a period of grieving when this unforeseen thing happened. We know it might be a long time before we will see you again but now we have hope. Hope that someday we will be able to say the things we needed to say to you face to face.

I felt great regret when I thought you were dead. I had left so many things unsaid. The EMH (a most remarkable hologram. I understand why you sent him) was more than eager to share things with us about you and about how honorably you have served under Kathryn's command in untenable circumstances. I cannot begin to imagine what your life is like now but I want you to know that I am proud of you. Deep down I always knew that if you ever could get past your issues with me there was a fine man in there. I was not wrong. I'm just sorry that I was wrong in my methods in trying to force you into a mold that you were not suited for. If we see each other again I hope that we can start over.

We were told that you had begun a relationship with one of the Maquis. I looked up her records. You must forgive me but old prejudices flared up for a moment but it was your mother who cautioned me that you were a long way from home where old enmities didn't matter and if you were happy with this young woman I should simply let the fact that she was in the Maquis go. I will do my best. We were told that you have been seeing her exclusively for some time so if you are happy with her and she is happy with you... then I look forward to meeting her someday.

Now unfortunately I have some bad news for you. You probably learned from your EMH about the war with the Dominion and we like many suffered losses. I regret to inform you that some of your friends lost their lives in defense of the Federation.

There was a list. A list of names. Starfleet officers, friends of Tom who had died in the terrible conflict that had taken her friends. It wasn't as long a list as Chakotay's of course but it was long enough. She recognized some of the names. Friends that he had trained with, served with, partied with and gotten into trouble with. She remembered the smile on his face and he told stories about their youthful pranks. How would he react to this news? Would he feel the same anger and guilt that she was feeling right now? The things she was pushing away? She skimmed down to the end of the letter.

Know this son, we love you and miss you and you can be assured that we will not stop until we find a way to bring you home.

Dad.

A sharp intake of breath and she threw the padd down on the floor in a fit of...what? It had been a beautiful letter and Tom should see it but those names. That damn list of names. He had gotten into such a state over the accident at Caldik Prime. What would happen if he learned about this? Would he react the same way she was reacting to her own terrible news?

She didn't know what made her do it. Perhaps it was her wish to spare Tom what she was enduring right now. She picked up the padd and automatically deleted the letter. She was always too damn impulsive, always acting on her first instinct. Should she blame her Klingon half for acting first without thinking or her human half, that part of her that always ran away from conflict? She cursed herself and began to scramble to see if there was a way she could have get it back. She could have kept the best parts, edited out the bad news but then if they ever made contact again his father might refer back to it and Tom would have no idea what he was talking about. Maybe it was best to sacrifice the good to keep Tom from knowing the bad.

The names haunted her. Damn. She wasn't thinking straight. She was thinking in terms of her own pain…. She would just tell him she lost it but there was must be some way of letting him know about his dad's change of heart. If in the future he talked about his friends she had to pretend. If communications with the Alpha Quadrant ever became routine he would simply tell his dad that this letter was lost...but maybe by then enough time would have past so it wouldn't hurt quite as much. She didn't have an answer for the dilemma she had put herself in but she realized it would be a long time before she could tell him. She hoped this was not the beginning of a habit of keeping secrets. She felt herself being pulled into something she couldn't explain. There was only one thing to do. She steadied her nerves and put on a good front. Assuming a neutral frame of mind she prepared to lie to her boyfriend. She would do all she could to keep Tom from falling with her into this empty dark void.