I'm back with another free! angst fic! ^^;;
set before eternal summer ep 12 (meaning no harurinralia), and contains assorted series spoilers.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Haruka's always known that at some point in his life, Makoto would someday leave him.
Decade-plus-long friendship notwithstanding, there's no way that they'd ever actually be able to stick together forever. Makoto would grow up and probably insist on being a selfless nutcase for the rest of his life and move away and help people and basically be a really great person, and Haruka would… do something. He's not entirely sure what he'd end up doing, but he's pretty sure it won't be what Makoto would end up doing.
What Haruka didn't know, though, was that it would end up like this.
He didn't know it would end up with him curled up in a ball on his bed, cold in the summer heat, chest aching in a way that's unexplainable to anyone else but Haruka understands it exactly, from the sharp pangs on the left side to the slow burn all over.
Hot tears burn beneath his tightly-closed eyelids, and he takes a shuddering breath in – it hurts to breathe, because it feels like there's something distinctly missing where his lungs and heart should be, oxygen cycling freely in and out through a gaping hole in his chest instead of his organs.
In retrospect, he really should have seen this all coming – hindsight is 20/20, his grandmother used to say – but that doesn't make the numb pain go away, doesn't make it any better.
He thinks back, back to when he and Makoto had first started drifting apart, and wonders how it all came to this.
(He wonders where it all went so wrong, and wonders if there was any way he could have prevented it in the first place.)
x
'Cause I got time while he got freedom
It had begun, like all things in their lives, at a pool.
Cherry blossoms scattered across the Iwatobi High pool, layered inches thick around the edges, the center clear and reflecting the setting sun; it was a beautiful sight, and as much as Haruka resents that the water was no longer pristine, he couldn't deny that Rin had a spectacular imagination.
The stupid shark had teared up when they'd kidnapped him and brought him in (Haruka will never admit to it, but it was fun using monster-speak while dragging Rin in), obviously surprised that they'd remembered the wish he'd told them so many winters ago.
"Rin-san, go for it!" Rei urges, along with the rest of the team.
"I guess I'll let you swim in it just this once," Haruka says, unable to look Rin in the eyes. He doesn't want Rin to feel indebted to them or anything of the sort, and he knows that Rin has a penchant for crying and he definitely doesn't want to see it.
"Well, I do want to swim in it, but it's still kind of cold."
Just as Nagisa and Rei finally decide it was time to push all boundaries of normal human sense and just shove Rin into the pool, the sky begins to darken, and rain trickles from the sky, slow at first but soon becoming a downpour, and they all run to take shelter beneath the overhangs of the building roof.
Haruka watches as the pink flower petals become swollen with water and sink to the bottom of the pool, a sad imitation of its former self.
"That reminds me," Rin says, staring out at the water, but addressing Haruka and Makoto, "have you two thought about what you'll do after graduation?"
"Not really," Haruka replies, but this is of no real concern; 'not really' is his default expression to most things, his only way of displaying his general ambivalence towards the majority of his life. He doesn't know what he'll do after graduation, and while he has thought about it a bit, he hasn't found any particular path to go upon.
"You can't not think about it." Rin's voice is incredulous, and Makoto laughs.
"You're aiming to swim at the world level, right?" Makoto asks, as if it weren't already obvious.
"Yeah. Since I wasted some time getting here, nationals this summer will be my last chance. If I can make it to nationals, I could get scouted. I'll set new records there, and grab hold of my dream."
Haruka scoffs internally – is that how Rin sees them? A waste of time? He lets 'you could have had it all last year, if you didn't decide to have your one last relay' slide through his mind, and casts his eyes away from Rin, facing forward again.
"Haru, Makoto, what do you plan to do?" Rin asks, turning to face the two of them.
"I haven't really decided," Makoto replies, sounding outright ashamed of himself.
This is true – Haruka's watched as Makoto's agonized over college choices, pamphlets scattered across his desk, weighing the options of moving to a city or staying in Iwatobi, but at the very least, he's doing something, and his shame is unjustified.
Haruka remains silent.
Rin makes a tch noise, and whips his head back to the front.
"More like you haven't even thought about it," Rin mutters, but Haruka's not sure if those words are meant for him or Makoto.
x
The next day, they are given a career path questionnaire in homeroom. Haruka wonders briefly if Rin is perhaps working as a spy in their school administrative office, but quickly puts the notion aside, as Rin has no real interest in making Haruka's academic life miserable.
He stares out the window as he overhears Makoto lending one of their classmates an eraser (that probably won't even be returned when class is over, and Makoto probably won't even care), and watches a few birds fly past the clouds. He's never been fond of birds, or the thought of flying in general, but just about anything sounds better than trying to fill out some career path nonsense right now.
His pencil case lays abandoned on his desk, as he'd only filled out the bare minimum of the paper, having no interest in doing the rest.
He can feel Makoto's eyes on him from a row back, but continues to stare out the window anyways.
To his complete lack of surprise, Ama-chan-sensei asks to see him after school – obviously, what he'd written down on his sheet weren't what one would consider ordinary. To be honest, even Haruka can admit that to most it would seem to be some cause of concern, but he'd hoped that their swim club sponsor would at least understand him.
"What does this mean?" she asks, gesturing to the offending section, where he'd written down free under the 'other' section of his future plans.
"Nothing really. It means what it says."
"It means what it says?" she echoes, her voice sounding remarkably like what Haruka imagines his own mother's would (or should, at least; he hasn't had a proper conversation with her in a long while). "Nanase-kun, you want to continue swimming, don't you? Someone with your athletic abilities could probably enter the sports world. Why don't you think a little more about this?"
She means well, Haruka knows, but she doesn't understand him.
(She doesn't understand him like Makoto does, who wouldn't have needed to ask any questions at all upon seeing it.)
"There's a famous saying that goes: give it a try. You won't know until you do."
She cracks a smile, and this is the first time in a while that one of her sayings have actually made sense, but Haruka remains impassive, and she eventually gives up for the day and sends him on his way.
Makoto is waiting for him outside the office, and he doesn't pry, instead walking with him to swim practice while chattering on about something that the stray cats did that morning.
Haruka's chest tightens just a little, but he's used to it, now that he's ascertained Makoto's place in his life.
But it scares him, because he knows that soon his constant companion will go in and talk with their teacher and he'll make his own life decisions and he'll no longer fill up the space beside Haruka.
(The space that feels so empty when there's no one there.)
(Haruka wants to be free, but he often thinks that Makoto is the one who truly has freedom – he has endless choices ahead of him, but all Haruka has is Makoto.)
x
They say bad things happen for a reason
Swimming, as they all know, comes with certain risks. Humans, after all, are not meant to live in the water, much less submerge themselves for an extended period of time, and any deprivation of non-gaseous oxygen spells certain death.
This is why Makoto swims backstroke – because he is afraid of the water, as much as the water yearns to accept him – and he keeps his face above the water, to ensure that he will always be able to breathe.
Backstroke, however, is not helpful when one of your teammates is drowning in the ocean in a storm in the dead of the night, and selfless (stupid) Makoto dives in without a thought, knowing that he has to save Rei, knowing that he is the one who went along with the entire plan when he knows he could have put Gou's harebrained schemes to rest, knowing that he is deadly afraid of the ocean and has barely touched it since that fateful day that stole Rin's father from him, many years ago.
He dives in knowing that he will panic, and Haruka dives in afterwards knowing that he can save him, knowing that he will not be able to survive unless Makoto does (he's not really sure how he managed to get along in life before he met Makoto, because all of his memories are full of green eyes and sandy hair and soft smiles), because Makoto is the air to his water, and humans cannot survive without both.
The water is alive, and it is attacking both him and Makoto, but Haruka fights back, because he cannot lose this battle.
He manages to drag Makoto to an alcove, rain beating down on exhausted bodies, the water unwilling to accept this defeat, as they collapse onto the sand. Makoto's name is on Haruka's lips like a prayer as he feels for any sign of life, fingers pressing to his neck, ear against his chest, and his own heart quickens, beating double-time, almost as if to compensate for the weakness of Makoto's.
No one is there, but Haruka shouts out anyways, unable to think because the only thing in his mind is MakotoMakotoMakoto you have to be alive because I can't live without you.
He knows how to perform CPR; they all do, and he pinches Makoto's nose and tilts his head back robotically, he but cannot bring himself to press his lips to the cold ones of the other.
He breathes in, leans in, but his mind flashes blank and instead he finds himself wondering what Makoto's lips would feel like if they were warm, and he's never really thought that way before but it's enough to unnerve him.
Enough time for Makoto to gasp and choke and sputter, and Haruka's pulse stops racing as Makoto's quickens.
"Makoto!" Haruka says, and the "Haruka" he gets in response is so weak, so unlike Makoto, that it feels like he's the one who's been dragged to the brink of death and back instead.
"Where are we?" Makoto asks, "where's Rei? He's in trouble!"
He moves to sit up, his face contorting with pain, and he says Rei's name again – there's the idiotic selflessness, again – and he grips at Haruka's arms when Haruka tells him not to move.
"Nagisa's got him," Haruka says.
Why can't you think about yourself? he wants to say. Why can't you think about me?
It's horrible, he knows, because if the sea had seen fit to take Rei away, they would all still hurt, but Haruka's prime concern is Makoto, and he needs Makoto to understand that he cannot always put other people before himself.
(Haruka doesn't want anyone put before himself, either, but can't be that selfish, can't force Makoto to be that selfish either.)
They sit under a section of rock that juts out from the cliff wall, and Haruka is struck with the overwhelming urge to hug Makoto, to keep him as close as he can, so he knows exactly where he is.
"You're still afraid of the ocean, aren't you?" Haruka asks, but he already knows the answer.
"I thought I'd gotten over it." Makoto sounds so defeated, and Haruka wants to beat it into Makoto's head that he doesn't need to act so strong, that he doesn't need to protect everyone, that he simply can't, but he can't.
Makoto's body shakes, and sure enough, he's even apologizing to Haruka, blaming the entire thing on himself, just like Haruka had known he would.
(Your shoulders are not broad enough for that burden, he wants to say, no one's are, and no one will blame you for this, so don't blame yourself in self-repentance, but the words don't come, and they never will, so he sits in silence.)
"I close to start the swim club. But it was because I wanted to swim with you again, Haru. I wanted to swim in a relay with everyone again. But, without you there…"
Makoto clenches his fist, and looks Haruka right in the eyes, as he says "it's meaningless without you."
This in itself is nothing terribly new, but the rawness of the entire situation has set Haruka's nerves off in a different way, and he gasps, because this is the closest he will get to what he wants and he'll be patient with it.
Nagisa and Rei find them shortly afterwards, and they find shelter in what appears to be some sort of abandoned hostel.
Makoto's apologies are never ending, but Haruka's protective streak refuses to let up one bit, and he's not above cutting Rei sharply off as the underclassman asks about Makoto's fear of the ocean.
"Thank you, Haru," he says, "but this is something I want to tell them."
(Sure it is, he wants to say, but settles for narrowing his eyes and casting them aside as Makoto recants the story of the fisherman who drowned.)
(Perhaps it serves as therapeutic for Makoto, but to Haruka, it's a reminder that Makoto is afraid of one of the few things that makes Haruka truly happy, and even though he's willing to brave it, Haruka cannot help but feel like he's forcing something upon Makoto that he shouldn't.)
(And this is exactly why they cannot be.)
x
Now I'm tryna' make sense of what little remains
It doesn't surprise Haruka that the last member to join may also be the first to leave.
He has never entirely trusted Rei – granted, he's never entirely trusted anyone, save for Makoto – but this extends far beyond a yearlong grudge that nearly got Makoto killed.
This is fear, because it is not the first time that a butterfly has fled their team for greener pastures, and Haruka is not keen on watching history repeat itself.
Nagisa is the next to elicit worry – it's no small secret that he's been an odd one out from the very beginning, and despite his eagerness and drive to build the swim club anew, Haruka can't help but wonder if he'd changed his mind, as he was known to do.
Haruka sits in Makoto's room for many nights as the captain paces and worries and wonders, and Haruka wonders what it would be like to kiss away Makoto's worries and make him forget, at least once, everything in his mind except for Haruka.
But he can't, of course, and must settle for being Makoto's silent source of support while he wonders how everything went so wrong, so fast.
To everyone's relief, they are both false alarms – Rei had been trying to actually improve himself, and Nagisa being Nagisa was running away from consequences – but Haruka is not settled, not by a long shot, and his baths get longer as the nights grow shorter, as the days pass on by.
Because Makoto formed this swim club for him, not for Nagisa or Rei, and even though he needs four to swim the relay, his allegiance first and foremost is to Haruka. He wants to swim with Haruka, and the others come after.
Why, then, does he feel so distant?
(Their relay times drop and drop and drop, and Haruka wonders when the downward spiral will end – if it will ever end. Makoto paces in his room again and Haruka watches with piercing blue eyes and says nothing while Makoto talks on and on about reaction times and friction and losing milliseconds on their turns, but Haruka knows that the real reason is simply because they're all growing father and farther apart.)
x
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
"Hey, Haru. I have a request."
Makoto's face is dead serious, voice calm, and Haruka's heart drops into his stomach.
"In the 200m free tomorrow, I want you to race me for real."
"Why? Why did you suddenly decide to compete in free? Do you want to battle me that badly?" Haruka searches Makoto's green eyes, waves crashing over the white sand of the beach next to them, wondering when Makoto had made this decision, and why he hadn't known about it earlier.
"When this summer's tournaments end, we third-years will have to retire from the club. So before that happens, I wanted to have a real race with you."
This does not satisfy Haruka – Makoto had always been content to be Haruka's supporter, not his adversary – that's Rin's job, always has been and always will be.
"Why do you swim?" he asks, praying that his confused desperation doesn't leak into his voice.
"Because I want to swim with you, Haru," Makoto says, his standard answer, "and with all my friends."
A wistful smile makes its way onto his face, but he steels it quickly and looks at Haruka with conviction, and it twists uncomfortably in his stomach.
"But… tomorrow, I'll swim to beat you."
Understandably, everyone at club the next day is considerably surprised when Gou reads out the itinerary for the prefectural tournament.
"But Tachibana-kun, why did you decide to race in the 200 meter free instead of 100 meter?" Ama-chan-sensei asks.
Makoto chuckles good-naturedly. "Because I'd have absolutely no chance against Haru in the 100 meter."
Haruka frowns slightly, standing a little behind the group – he's not some sort of unbeatable water god.
"Makoto-senpai, you've worked really hard every day in preparation for this, haven't you?" Rei exclaims, admiration clear in his eyes, even behind the sunlight reflecting across his glasses
"I still don't think it's enough to compete with Haru."
There's the modesty again, and Haruka downright glowers, but no one pays him any heed.
x
Haruka still remembers when Makoto first asked him to join the swim club – he'd said no, but Makoto had effectively guilt-tripped him into it, because Makoto knew that Haruka was never able to resist him, no matter how hard he tried.
It turned out, of course, that Makoto was the nervous one, wringing his swim cap in his small hands as the instructor introduced them to the rest of the class.
Makoto introduced the both of them while Haruka eyed the pool, and as soon as they were dismissed to begin practice, Haruka jumped in.
The water was home to him as his arms arced up in the freestyle stroke, allowing him to forget the other kids in awe around him in the pursuit of becoming one with the water.
When he reached the wall, yanking off his swim cap and goggles, Makoto was already there, hand outstretched and a perfect smile on his face.
"You're really the best in water, Haru-chan!"
"What are you talking about," Haruka muttered flippantly, but he was always grateful for Makoto's praise.
As they left the locker room together, the man at the front desk called them over, motioning to a rack of keychains.
"They're a bonus for new members," he said. "Go on, pick one."
They both reached out for the dolphin, but there was only one left. Haruka pulled his hand back, glancing at Makoto as if to ask what to do, but he already had his own plan.
"I'd rather have this one," Makoto said, reaching out for the clownfish next to the dolphin.
"But—"
"Here, Haru-chan!"
Haruka accepted the dolphin with some trepidation – he knew that Makoto liked dolphins, probably just as much as he did, and his willingness to give something up for Haruka scared him, just a little bit.
The dolphin he has now is larger, and it floats in his bath between his legs as he sighs.
Has Makoto finally had enough of Haruka?
x
The air is thick with tension as they undress in the locker room, side-by-side, but opponents instead of teammates.
"Haru… about what I said yesterday…" Makoto trails off, hesitant.
"I know." Haruka closes the locker with a resounding clang, and he pretends that the finality of the sound doesn't actually affect him.
Haruka stands behind Makoto as they walk out to the starting blocks, and it's just so weird to see sandy brown in front of him instead of bright maroon.
It's not right.
They take their places on the starting blocks, and the buzzer counts down, the gun fires.
The water embraces Haruka, arms slicing through the water and his legs kicking, but as Makoto launches into the water, he quickly pulls ahead of the rest – pulls ahead of Haruka, but Haruka can feel Makoto fighting the water instead of letting it help him.
Adrenaline races through Haruka as he pulls harder, kicks faster, but Makoto's still ahead of him, even at the third lap.
Race me for real, Makoto had said, and maybe he wasn't actually lying.
That in itself is almost enough to give Haruka pause, but he has a duty to Makoto, now.
A duty to not let him down.
On the final turn, Haruka begins to catch up, and he chances a glance to the side – Makoto's stroke begins to falter, his limbs growing labored every time they move up and relaxing too much as they fall.
Haruka finishes first, to no one's surprise, and Makoto crashes into the wall seconds after Haruka's already taken off his cap and his breathing's begun to slow.
Haruka glances over from underneath his bangs as Makoto stays hunched over, shoulders heaving, water trailing down his face (but whether it's tears or chlorine, only Makoto will ever know).
He stays there for a second too long and Haruka's heart shoots into his throat, because Makoto looks like half the man he normally is, broad shoulders defeated and body collapsed in on itself.
"Makoto…"
"I lost!" he says, and he sounds completely and utterly relieved. "You really are the best in water, Haru-chan!"
He smiles, that same stupid smile he's had since they were five years old, and Haruka sighs.
"What are you talking about?"
(Haruka wants to reach out and tell Makoto that he doesn't need to try and validate him like that, doesn't need Makoto to put himself down to push Haruka up, but he figures that's just his way of taking care of everyone.)
(Haruka still wonders why Makoto seems so incapable of taking care of himself – because if Makoto had kept his pacing even a little better, he would have won in an instant, and any sports scholarship could be his, not Haruka's, who doesn't even want them anyways.)
(But that's not how Makoto is, right?)
(Later on in the bath that night, he wonders if Makoto had thrown the race, and the thought haunts him as he lies awake in bed, unable to sleep.)
x
When a heart breaks, no, it don't break even.
The expression on Makoto's face is frightening, voice reaching greater volumes than it ever has before, even though only Haruka needs to hear him. His grip tightens on Haruka's wrist, keeping him pulled close, while Haruka fights to break away, placid mask stripped away, leaving raw hurt plain to see as he hurls words like barbs, shouting things he'd never mean to say but it would be a lie to say he'd never thought them.
He's afraid, so afraid, and even though he knows he's hurt Makoto, hurt Makoto, the only person in the world he's always wanted to protect, he doesn't know how else to get him to stay back, to keep away before he finds things out that he can't know.
Haruka's chest heaves, his heart racing, faster than it ever has – it's never been like this before, not even after swimming against Rin at inhuman speeds.
"I have decided," Makoto says, in a voice that sounds so very distinctly unlike him, and it pains Haruka to hear it, because that is not the voice of his Makoto. "I'm going to university in Tokyo."
I'm leaving you behind, is what Haruka hears, because you were not enough for me, and I need something more.
I don't love you.
Haruka's always wanted freedom, but he realizes that he has nothing at all; Makoto's going out into the world, and Haruka's trapped, trapped in the small town of Iwatobi with nothing to do and nowhere to go and now, no one to turn to.
The last part of him that's still barely clinging on shatters, and he runs back home, his feet pounding hard against the stone and gravel and traitorous tears biting at his eyes.
In Makoto's removal from his life, a part of Haruka has also gone missing; a part that makes him feel so wholly incomplete.
He doesn't soak in the bath that night, because the water reminds him of Makoto, but so does breathing, and now he realizes that Makoto is both his air and his water and humans cannot survive without both.
"Makoto," he cries, choking out his name into the sheets, "Makoto."
His heart is broken, and he knows that time will heal his wounds, but he's left the bigger half with Makoto and he's not sure how the paltry bit he has left will be enough to keep him going.
What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was always you?
I'm falling to pieces.
tbh I'm not entirely happy with this but I really wanted to post this before the grand finale. I might edit it later but we'll see.
I hope you liked this! ^^
follow me? tumblr: furiishikaoyoganai | ao3: greyskieslatenights (whales and dolphins)