AN: So that premiere was heart breaking. Between Fitz and Ward, I just know this season is going to be painful. So of course I had to write about it. This has spoilers for 2x01 and attempted suicide. Please don't read if you wish to avoid either of those.
The first cut is the deepest
He does it the first time just to see if he's human.
Garrett is dead and he's locked in the dark with nothing but darker thoughts and a button. He's betrayed the closes thing to a real family he's probably ever had, and even the mockery of one he'd found in Garrett is gone. He's left empty and in the dark, and when he manages to dig the button into a vein, when he feels the warm blood, it comes with a flood of relief. If he bleeds, he's human.
But that's not true. Dogs bleed too.
The though makes him dig the button deeper, tear the skin a little. What's a dog without its master?
Ward isn't sure he wants to know.
He sits in the dark and can't be sure when his vision begins to blur. Then there is nothing. He is floating and floating and never wants to come back down.
Then he does, and his button is gone. So are the pants it had been attached to, replaced by soft cotton that's had the drawstring removed.
Coulson is there, the wall between them clear, and Ward finds that he isn't used to the light, dim as it may be.
"Was he really worth dying for?" Coulson asks, and Ward doesn't reply. He knows that Coulson won't understand. He's always been free. Ward has always been anything but. Free men don't understand the natures of dogs.
"There's some paper. Try writing about it instead."
Ward thinks that's a joke, because isn't he always in darkness? Only this time, the wall gives off a pale glow. Not much, but enough that he could probably use the crayon – he supposes it's the only writing utensil they couldn't turn into a weapon – to write something on the paper.
He considers it for a moment, but it feels childish. Instead he sits and stares at the glowing wall, folding the paper over and over, just to keep his hands busy. Is this to be his life then? Regulated to a cell.
Perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps he's not a dog. A dog would at least have the dignity of being put down. He isn't even deserving of that, not in Coulson's eyes.
His hands shake as he continues to fold. Fold. Fold. Fold. Until he can't fold anymore, no matter how hard he tries to force the paper to bend beneath his fingers. But it won't. It's too sturdy, and he almost throws it in a rage…
But it's sturdy, and the triangle he's shaped it into has edges. Edges that are almost sharp.
He stares ahead, putting his hands between his bent knees. He just looks at the glowing wall, as he presses the triangle to his wrist and presses. He continues to press and press and finally the skin beneath it gives.
This time he doesn't want to feel human. He's not human. He's just Garrett's dog, and when a master dies, a dog will follow.
When he awakens again, he sees Coulson once more, and he curses him.
"You don't get off that easily," Coulson says, his voice sharp. "You don't just get to run away."
"Why does my survival matter to you?" Ward demands, almost howls, and his fingers claw at the wall between them, as though they can claw right through the material.
Coulson looks at him, and Ward thinks he might see pity beneath the cold that covers his face, and that makes him even angrier. He doesn't want Coulson's pity, he just wants to be free to die. The other man doesn't answer his question, just presses a button, and once more the wall is opaque, glowing lightly.
Ward retreats to lick his wounds. He glares at the wall, he glares everywhere. He wants his button. He wants his paper.
He wants it to end.
The walls are surprisingly solid the first time he hits them. It doesn't do what he wants, so he reels back and hits it again. He thinks that Coulson must not be watching him as closely. It's been nearly three weeks since the paper incident, and perhaps the Director has grown complacent. The thought is brief, then lost to sensation as he hits the wall again.
And again.
He can feel the blood stinging his eyes, and his vision is blurred. He's pretty sure he has four hands when his movements are finally halted. He should have been able to fight them off, but he's weakened, and falls easily beneath the attacking hands.
A third time tried, a third time failed.
He failed Garrett.
He failed his second chance at family.
Why did he think he would be any better at this?
He sees Skye this time. He knows it's not actually her, because she's smiling at him, and he knows Skye will never smile at him again. But they're on the Bus, and she's sitting across from him, curled up as she grins that adorable little grin at him.
"Say it, Ward," she teases, and he knows what she wants, and has to hid his smile.
"You sunk my battleship."
Her answering smile, her little chuckle, is the only reason he keeps playing the game.
He comes to again, but this time it's different. This time, he doesn't awaken to thoughts of failure and Garrett. He doesn't think that the dog has failed again.
He thinks of Skye.
"How long is this going to keep happening?" Coulson asks, and Ward sits up and looks at him. He looks tired, and Ward thinks that the role of Director weighs heavily on the other man.
"What do you want from me?" Ward asks, and it's not the first time he's asked, but it is the first time Coulson seems to consider actually answering.
"You know why," he says at last.
And of course Ward knows why. The rest of the HYDRA prisoners are being hosted by Talbot and the U.S. Army, but he was brought here. One of the few prisoners SHIELD let themselves keep, even though it had to be dangerous. But that means he holds a certain level of power.
He is the only information source they have, and he will use that.
He thinks of his dream, vision, whatever it was. Of Skye's smile, and it reminds him of the last time he saw her, when she called him pathetic, or the time before that, when, with tears in her eyes, she'd told him she didn't like who he was. He knows she won't forgive him, that he doesn't deserve her forgiveness… but…
Say it, Ward.
"You sunk my battleship," he murmurs softly, and he doesn't think Coulson hears him, although he looks a little confused, so maybe he did. But Ward doesn't care.
He has always been a dog, loyal to his master until the end. But his master is dead, and the world won't let Ward follow, so there is only one thing left to do.
The loyal dog has to find a new master. And there is only one he will answer to. Only one that will get anything out of him.
"I'll tell all the HYDRA secrets I know," he says, looking directly in Coulson's eyes. "But only to Skye."
He expects it, when Coulson puts up the wall and walks away without a word, but that's okay. He also knows his worth. He is all they have, their only source of information. Eventually, something will happen. Inevitably, they will need him. And when they do, they'll send her.
Until then, he'll wait like the good dog he is.
AN: So, the episode made it pretty clear that Ward has some serious issues. This was my attempt at getting into his head and putting my own spin on things. Hope you liked it.