(Not so) Short note: So I was looking around in some old files and stumbled across this, basically finished and begging me to post it. I wrote this about two years ago for ox-i-Need-A-Hug-xo's collaborative fanfiction Many Ways To Kill A Sasuke… but I never got around to finishing it. So enjoy the crackness! And Sasuke-lovers beware… It's not that I loathe him, I've actually recently come to feel somewhat indifferent but like him depending on how he's written; he's just too fun to mess with.
Summary: The Uchiha is back in town. With Gaara somehow getting sucked along for the ride, Naruto and Arina (OC) think it's about time he receive his just desserts. It's just fortunate that Uchiha Itachi happens to love dessert. First crack ever! Implied GaaSaku.
The Many Ways to Kill Sasuke
By Socially Suicidal
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, all I own is Seishin no Arina and this short plot.
One day, while Sabaku no Gaara was in Konoha with his siblings and his captain of ANBU Seishin no Arina, he was hanging out with Uzumaki Naruto or Baka no Naruto, as the blonde shinobi was deemed by those residing in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. The group of formidable nin were lounging under a tree in Konoha's park; Gaara leaning indifferently in his casual robes, Naruto bouncing idiotically, Arina sitting on a branch while Temari and Kankurou stood next to Naruto shooting him weird looks and inconspicuously inching away every few seconds.
"So, Gaara, you wanna' go get some ramen, my treat!" Naruto suggested, now that the greetings and "How are you's" where through with and he felt that they should be getting onto more important matters.
"Hn," Gaara replied/grunted, looking around in the park with pupiless eyes, subconsciously searching for something to preoccupy himself with other than watching as Naruto ate himself sick.
"Hah, well you guys enjoy you're selves, I'm going to go visit someone." Temari said vaguely, throwing her arm up lazily as she waved and turned on one heel away from the group.
"Psh, please, you could just say you're going to go meet that Nara kid to get it -," Kankuro's mouth was covered by Arina's pale hand and she swung upside down off the branch, hooking the limb under her knees.
"Shut up Kankuro. Have fun with Shikamaru, I'll mind these idiots." Arina smiled at her friend and the blonde nodded, continuing to walk away. 'Says the girl hanging in a tree,' Kankuro thought with an inward sweat drop, subjecting himself to one of Arina's creepy, white eyed glares.
Kankuro removed the white eyed nin's hand from his mouth and looked at the other two guys, "Well you guys have fun doing whatever," he said with a lazy wave, "I better go check in with the Hokage and then I'm hitting the bar. Traveling with you guys is so tiresome."
"Yeah whatever," he was waved off by Arina who jumped down and turned back to the other two males with an evil smile creeping over her angular features.
Naruto leaned towards Gaara's ear, looking disturbed, "I don't like that face," whispered the fox boy to the Kazekage.
Gaara nodded, looking equally disturbed. "You shouldn't…"
Sighing, the Sand kunoichi's grin disappeared, and she looked rather annoyed to have to explain herself. "Idiots…I'm not going to hurt you. Naruto, that Uchiha is back here in Konoha, right…?"
The blond shinobi nodded slowly, still not understanding, "…Yeah. Sakura and I pulled him back to Konoha by the scruff of his neck, kicking and screaming."
"…And how much fun would it be to mess with him?" Arina's grin slowly began to form again as realization spread on both shinobi's faces, though the reactions from each young man were quite different.
And equally evil grin spread on Naruto's foxy features, "A lot… Sasuke's my best friend, but he definitely has a whole lot coming to him for all the trouble he put us through! " Both shinobi looked towards Gaara.
Kohl rimmed sea foam eyes widened slightly before narrowing with annoyance, "I want nothing to do with your idiotic schemes." He turned to walk away before he heard Arina's sly voice slither into his mind.
'If you went along with this I'm sure she would like you a bit better,' slinked the voice of the mind-hopping kunoichi into his conscious.
'Why do you say that?' Gaara asked, hating himself for even considering this idiocy, as he paused in his departure to hear whatever the manipulative little devil had in her devious mind.
'One, she would love to see that Uchiha dealt a heaping of vengeance for all the stupidity and harm he's done to this village. And two, she'd learn that you do have a sense of humor… however twisted and sadistic it may be.'
"Fine, I'll help." Gaara grunted and turned stiffly on his heel back towards them, "Just what exactly do you plan to do?" Two grins answered him, a cold shiver of dread coiled down his spine, licking every nerve with anxiety.
Gaara was having an extremely difficult time believing that he was actually going on with this utterly moronic plan devised by the two people he, for some odd reason, called friends. Shaking his head and resisting the urge to heave a heavy sigh of resignation, he walked behind the two tip toeing shinobi. Arina eyed him over her shoulder as they approached the Uchiha's window, "You could at least play the part," she whispered, pulling the pack over her shoulder in front of her and rifling through it.
Grunting, the Kazekage leaned against the wall next to the window pointedly, so that he could not be seen from the inside. The eyebrow-less Kazekage simply raised an invisible, aforementioned non-existent eyebrow, as if anticipating and challenging objection.
Arina ignored him and from out of her pack pulled a lawn gnome with a pointy red hat and a warped, nearly mangled expression that may have once been intended to be a smile but twisted about its little plastic features to form what was more like a malicious grimace. Naruto raised an eyebrow, "Is that the Travelocity dude?"
"…That's irrelevant." The kunoichi's answer was a little too defensive and quick for either males' liking.
"You kidnapped a lawn gnome?!" The kyuubi container asked disbelievingly.
"Irrelevant, I say! Be silent, fool."
"Okay…" said the tentative jinchuuriki slowly, "and what exactly to you plan to do with him…?" Naruto asked, sending a longing glance not so subtly at a spot near Gaara, far away from the suddenly frightening kunoichi. Neglecting to spare him a glance in favor of peering through the window where the younger Uchiha sat, reading a book silently in his living room, Arina reached over to Naruto and yanked him crudely next to her.
"After years of practice, I've concluded that if you make someone think they're crazy, they will indeed actually go psycho." Silence answered this statement and the sand kunoichi sighed, "We're going to make the chicken haired bastard go bonkers by making him think that the gnome here, let's call him Bonzo, wants to maim him and paint over the streets of Konoha with his bodily organs."
Realization met both male's features and they nodded, carefully leaning and looking into the window also.
"But before we can throw Bonzo here into the mix, there is one very dangerous mission we ourselves must complete…" Arina said seriously, meeting both male shinobi's questioning gazes.
With stealth only the best shinobi could have, Arina, Naruto, and Gaara crept in hunched, mischievous crouching positions into the Uchiha's house. They rolled down the hall with their hands in position as if holding a gun- Bond Style, James Bond Style. Each looked around cunningly, looking out for the once acclaimed Uchiha prodigy.
They had one objective destination and one destination only, not two, not a half, but one destination and that destination only- the Uchiha's bedroom quarters and his bathroom. Wait that's two, there must only be one destination! The Uchiha's bedroom was to be the objection destination. The one destination was to be the Uchiha's bedroom and that was to be the one final destination.
Naruto, who was leading the other two shinobi, being the only one out of the trio to have ever actually been in the house, opened a random door in the corridor and motioned for his comrades to follow as he entered the room. They straightened to their normal heights when the door was shut. Arina, after cracking her back and sighing contentedly, walked over to the large vanity in the room. After probing for a moment, she let out a hushed cheer and turned back to her comrades, and in her hand was… Ah, the authoress is enjoying this scene! So suspenseful and delightfully demented! She was so worried when the voices suggested it, but now she's glad! "Get on with it!" An upset kumquat yelled to the authoress. "Yes, get on with it!" Yelled an equally impatient llama. Anyway, let us get on with it. The authoress is indeed enjoying this scene. "Get on with it!" Mint flavored ice cream screeched and the authoress nodded professionally, presuming with the story. Well onto the scene, with some lovely comedy and sarcasm and crack and whatnot…
In her hand was the Uchiha's prized hair gel. "…Hair gel?" Gaara asked, confused, "All that for hair gel?"
Shaking her head, Arina replied, "Not just any hair gel. This is Sasuke's prized hair gel," she pointed to the jar, "Look, 'Holds even when being tackled by blond dufes, fan girls, and wolves mistaking hair for roosters.'"
"Hah, see I told you that fruity hair wasn't natural Gaara!" Naruto said victoriously.
If Gaara was one to roll his eyes, he would have, recalling no such conversation with Naruto about the Uchiha's hair style. The implications of his choice of mentor, namely Orochimaru, however, was a conversation Gaara clearly recalled being one that questioned seriously the sexuality of the young Uchiha.
"Anyway, let's get out of here before the bastard realizes we're here." Naruto said, receiving nods, and Gaara disappeared in a swirl of sand and Arina in a white flash, leaving Naruto standing there. "Hey! Wait up!" After throwing a smoke bomb on the ground, Naruto waited until it had cleared before climbing out of a window.
The trio met up at the market, and Gaara, being the observant one, noticed the lack of Bonzo. "Arina, where is… Bonzo…?" He clearly heard the question leave his very own lips, but despite that, he could not believe he actually said it. Obviously, he was spending too much time with Arina and Naruto.
Grinning, Arina told them where she left him.
Before entering the Uchiha residence, Arina snuck over to the front door. She placed Bonzo, holding a kunai, on the weathered mat before the front door with a voice recorder attached to his back with a cryptic message…
"How is Sasuke going to know it's there? And how is he going to hear the message?" Gaara asked, looking at her bizarrely.
Grinning, Arina answered, "I put a jutsu on the door bell. When I release it, the door bell will go off. When the door opens, the noise will trigger the recorder and it will also go off."
"How'd you do that?" Naruto asked, dumbfounded.
"That's irrelevant." Arina snapped.
"And what did the message say?" Gaara inquired.
"Irrelevant! Come on, onto step three!" Arina snapped again, turning on her heel towards the fruit stand. Gaara and Naruto exchanged looks before following, a silent question of the sanity of the kunoichi hanging over the both of them.
"You know," murmured Naruto behind his hand, in a manner he hoped was subtle and inaudible to the white eyed kunoichi, "I always thought she was the scary quiet type, you know? Like all brooding and terrifying, like you. But she's stir fucking crazy!" The Kazekage promptly ignored him.
Gaara gave a questioning look to the orangey, scarlet fruit in Arina's hand, "Kumquats?"
Without turning her head, Arina replied, "Yes, kumquats." She picked up an armful of them and motioned for Gaara to hold open a bag for her. He did so with his sand and she dropped the fruit into the bag, then grabbed another armful and put them in.
After paying for them and receiving a strange glance from the stall worker from the purchase of at least one hundred kumquats, effectively cleaning out his supply, the scheming kunoichi pulled the other two along with her to an alley nearby.
"And what exactly do you plan on doing with all these kumquats?" Gaara asked calmly, eyeing the kunoichi suspiciously.
Arina grinned impishly, "Don't worry about that, leave it to me, I have this all planned out. All you two need to do is follow my directions and watch my plan unfold."
"Okay so what now… Old Lady Arina?" Naruto smirked at the scowl his words caused to form on the paler shinobi's face.
"I'm not that much older than you, idiot." Arina growled, hitting Naruto over then head. He rubbed his abused head and grumbled about crazy kunoichi causing brain damage.
Gaara cleared his throat pointedly, shooting an irritated glare at his less than professional comrades. Arina replied with a very mature flash of her tongue over her bottom lip before suddenly perking up, looking around the area quickly and sniffing the air.
Arina crouched against the building, yanking out a sheet of blueprints from her pocket as the two powerful shinobi grumbled. "Alright, Sasuke is just waking up from his mid-afternoon cat nap. A little ahead of schedule, but nothing I can't handle," she mumbled fervently, pale eyes scanning the contents of the paper in her hands.
"What I need you two to do is this," Arina pinned them both with the most serious of looks, "Your mission is imperative. Should you fail, you will disgrace not only your villages, but your honor as both shinobi and men—"
Naruto was the first to growl and snap, this time, "Arina!"
Waving him off, the kunoichi continued, "Anyway, I need you guys to go to this farm –" she pointed to a place on the blueprint, "– And Naruto, with your shadow clone technique, herd all of the animals in this pen – " she pointed again, " – into one location from which Gaara will teleport them with his sand to the beginning of the main street."
When she looked up from her plans, Arina met two incredibly perplexed gazes from the respective shinobi before her, "What? Hurry up and get to it! We're behind schedule!"
"What are you doing, then?" Gaara regretted asking immediately.
Glaring with a huff, Arina stood tall above them, hands on hips, growling out "Irrelevant!" before vanishing in smoke.
Both former and current jinchuuriki stared at each other for a moment, before heaving an exhausted sigh in unison as sand swirled around the two of them and they vanished to do the kunoichi's dirty work.
Giggling behind her gloved hand, Arina scampered from the Uchiha's doorway to hide behind a nearby bush, having planted the gnome with a small satchel of kumquats – an ingenious addition to her plan, if she did say so herself. Crawling under the bush, Arina folded her body up and formed a hand seal, reaching out to Gaara's mind from her own.
After a short exchange, she was satisfied when he reported they had gathered the farm animals in the appropriate place and were waiting for further instruction. Then Arina broke the connection, quickly forming another hand seal. She cast a gen jutsu on the gnome and released the one on the doorbell, causing it to go off.
It didn't take long for the Uchiha to answer the door. He looked around, irritated, before he stepped forward and triggered the voice recorder on the gnome.
"Uchiha Sasuke," a chilling computerized voice slithered, gaining the wide-eyed Uchiha's attention, "We have taken something precious of yours. If you wish to acquire it before your inevitable doom, be in the public square in approximately fifteen minutes to duel to the death for the treasure, or face the wrath of flat hair until your demise! Don't be a coward, face your death like a man and be there."
The mutilated face of the gnome contorted into a vicious grin, his beady painted black eyes full of bloodlust and malice. The kunai in his hand launched toward Sasuke, barely being dodged by the prodigy. It was followed by an onslaught of kumquats, most of which made contact with their surprised target, causing him to fall backwards into his doorway and land with a thud.
"Uchiha Sasuke!" cackled the small satanic statue, "Welcome to the end of your life!"
The ceramic maniac promptly blew up, spewing chunks of his creepy little body all over the front door. Shaking, Sasuke sat up, attempting to catch his breath. 'So that's the bastard that took my hair gel…?'
Arina stifled a giggle at the horrified look in his deep black eyes and teleported to where Gaara and Naruto were waiting for her in an alley near the top of main road.
Appearing behind the two taller shinobi, Arina's eye brows rose as she noticed a third addition to their party. Her pink tresses bounced as she laughed at something idiotic Naruto said and she elbowed the Kazekage on her left.
Clearing her throat, the sand kunoichi gained their attention and grinned. "So, you're interested in participating, Sakura?"
Shrugging, the smiling medic replied, "Watching, not so much participating. I'm not nearly as good of a schemer as you guys."
Gaara snorted unceremoniously, earning a chilling white eyed glare, "Don't be jealous because you have the humorous range of Naruto's dead brain cells, Gaara." The insulted blonde jinchuuriki just looked indignant; huffing at the insult he didn't particularly understand but was perfectly offended by.
The Kazekage just sighed, shaking his head. Changing the topic by motioning to the herd currently congregated behind the trio in a cramped alleyway, he gave Arina a bored look. "Right, right, Sasuke will be here in ten minutes," she said as she turned toward the herd of smelly farm animals.
Sakura looked confused, "How do you know?"
Casting a look from over her shoulder, Arina chuckled darkly before turning and continuing to the front of the herd, "Oh, I know, I made him an offer he… couldn't refuse."
The medic cast the two shinobi at her side a perturbed glance, Gaara rolled his eyes while Naruto just shrugged, "Okay," the blonde began, "What now, crazy?"
"Who are you calling crazy," Arina shot back immediately before continuing, "I summon Bonzo and we let the rest take its course." She formed the hand seals and not before long was the nightmare-enticing gnome grimacing up at them.
The redhead had the decency to look disturbed, "I thought you were going to blow him up?"
Arina shrugged, "I did," she said casually, offering no more explanation. Gaara didn't pursue the subject.
Placing the demonic gnome atop of the largest animal and leading him to the front of the herd, Arina hummed a snappy little tune that always got her dancing in her underwear when the Sand Siblings weren't home, or, sometimes when they were – depending on how enthusiastic she was feeling that particular day.
Sakura rubbed her eyes, wondering what on earth inspired her to leave the comforts of the chaos at the hospital to come visit her – eccentric – friends from the Village Hidden in the Sand. Gaara offered his support and understanding of the draining affect produced when spending time with Arina by giving her a subtle rub on her forearm, before retracting his hand quickly and avoiding her grateful green gaze bashfully.
"What are those smelly things, anyway?" Naruto asked, scratching the back of his neck in his typical fashion.
Arina turned and face the trio fully, a huge maniacal grin cracking across her face, "Llamas…" she whispered vehemently.
Sasuke was currently standing in the heart of the square on main street, feeling more than a little foolish. Scoffing, he was ready to return home and brood about the loss of his hair gel after seeing no trace of the odd little creature that had threatened his life before he heard a commotion. Narrowing his dark eyes, Sasuke strained his vision to a huge dust cloud slowly approaching from the north end of the street.
He was about to activate his sharingan when a small orange round thing came flying through the air and hit him square in the forehead. Staggering back, the Uchiha gripped at his now aching forehead and picked up the offending flying object.
Black eyes widened with realization, "More kumquats?" he muttered in disbelief, head snapping up to find the origin of the projectile.
The dust cloud had rapidly approached, coming at him at full velocity as shinobi and civilians alike dove out of the way in fear for their very lives. They were very close now; close enough for Sasuke to make out the detail of the wretched, homicidal gnome perched at the head of what appeared to be a very large llama, behind him an entire herd of the things.
Kumquats began flying at him from all directions, pelting his body almost everywhere as he tensed and growled. Sasuke was just about to unsheathe his katana when the largest llama collided with him, sending him spiraling off into the distance, skidding to a halt on the dirt ground and rolling into the trunk of a tree.
Groaning, the Uchiha rolled onto his back and opened his bleary eyes, 'What the fuck is going on?'
His body felt like it had been hit by a… well, by a huge llama with a murderous statue at its helm and welts from the ridiculous fruit had already begun forming.
A shadow stretched across his long pale body and he lifted his head to see what it was.
Throat restricted, Sasuke took in the tall… thing… - was that a Sasquatch? – standing over him, the creepy gnome tucked safely under its massive, furry arm. The creature lifted the statue, its snout curling into what the fallen Uchiha could only describe as a grin, revealing its long, yellow fangs. Ripping the satchel from its shoulder, it popped the gnome into its mouth, chewing thoughtfully as pieces of ceramic and long drops of saliva fell messily over its broad chest and Sasuke's legs.
Sasuke felt his eyes get impossibly wider as the massive Sasquatch reached into the bag and pulled out… his hair gel! Ripping off the top in a manner the Uchiha deemed as a frightful mistreatment of the best manmade product to exist in the world today, the creature dipped its claw curiously into the product. The Uchiha's blood boiled as his prized gel was brought to the ugly snout of the beast and sniffed like some common… something.
Sharingan activated, Sasuke launched himself off of the ground with full intent to kill. The Sasquatch just grunted, smashing him over his chicken-like head with its massive claw, rendering the last Uchiha unconscious, before sauntering into the woods to woo potential mates with its newly improved fur.
The black swirling room around him slowly faded as Sasuke came to his senses. Shaking unconsciousness off, he surveyed his surroundings.
He appeared to be in a wheat field in South France sitting on a tree root that was currently digging into his back quite painfully. The sky was blue with white puffy clouds dancing around it; the sun was high in the sky as the birds flew above Itachi's head… Sasuke's dazed gaze snapped backwards towards his brother who was standing over him devouring an ice cream cone passionately.
"Hello, foolish little brother," The older Uchiha said, taking a break from devouring his cold treat he leaned it down to Sasuke, "Ice cream? It's mint."
A slimy drop of mint ice cream slid off of the cone and plopped unceremoniously onto his nose.
And just then, the youngest living Uchiha lost whatever sanity remained within him. He was then seen on Jerry Springer before he died of a gnome related death.
Go Forth and Eat Kumquats. Or Review. Whichever comes first.