Confessions of a Tortured Soul

MewIchigoPrincess: So, this is an idea that I've been sitting on for quite awhile, and I think this would be a great way to start Alexis' and Jaden's relationship. It's going to be told in Alexis' POV for most of it, but I'll switch up now and then to Jaden's POV so that you know what he's thinking. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

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Chapter One: Memories

Alexis' POV

The wind was howling. Darkness was starting to fall, and all around me, I could feel that change was happening. Nothing ever felt the same again. The atmosphere around me was different; the students just didn't have the same vibrancy or life like they used to. Instead, they were all petrified with the past situations, frozen forever in a state of never-ending darkness. Walking back to my dorm, the trees seemed to pick up on the depressed atmosphere of the students. The once bright green leaves, attached to the giddy branches dancing happily in the wind, now seemed to dread the wind. The leaves weren't the same bright green; now they seemed a dull emerald color. Even the lake by my dorm, glittering in the vibrant sunlight was now a dull shine. Things have changed. And, in some way, it all has to do with Jaden.

Jaden Yuki is not the same happy-go-lucky guy he used to be three years ago. Since going to the spirit world, he's changed dramatically. His bright, chocolate brown eyes, which were once filled with joy and fun, are now replaced with a dull brown, only focused on two things: revenge and anger. It seems like those are the only things that matter to him. Except, of course, for Yubel, who now resides in him. She's the only human he really, truly cares about, if you can call her human. I spend an extra hour or two every night trying to figure out what Jaden sees in her. I mean, she fucking practically killed us! I mean, she like, totally made our lives a living hell! Why the hell doesn't Jaden see that?

I was sitting in my room pondering that question, racking my mind trying desperately to come up with a valid answer. I was completely lost in my thoughts, and therefore didn't hear anyone open the door to my room.

"Alexis," the voice said.

The combination of their voice and their hand being placed on my shoulder caused me to jump out of my chair. I stood up with a start, knocking down the wooden chair I was sitting in. I whirled around immediately to see the surprised eyes of my new best friend, Lorelai Carraway. Lorelai was a new student this year, a freshman, but we quickly became accustomed to each other, and I found myself hanging around her every day. She was a very cute girl, with light green eyes and long snow white hair styled in one long braid. She was short, yet had a slim frame with cute little curves here and there. The more I talked to her, the more I discovered how similar she and I are.

I exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Oh, Lori, it's just you. You scared me," I said.

"Yeah, I can see that." She answered while looking at me with one eyebrow raised.

"I'm sorry, Lorelai! I just didn't hear you come in. I was thinking."

"Do you always think that hard?" She questioned, taking a seat on my red bed. Red had always been my favorite color. As a child, I had always been a tomboy. And seeing the color now brought a since of familiarity and normalcy to the island.

"No, I just... I was just thinking about Jaden..." I said reluctantly.

"Again? Lex, are you sure you're not in love with the guy?" she said, half-teasing.

"No, Lori, I told you a million times I'm not. I'm just being a concerned friend. You don't know what he used to be like before this year. He was so sweet, and goofy, and care-free..."

"Sounds to me like you do have a thing for him," she said as she smirked, her light green eyes giving off a mischievous look.

"Look Lorelai, I'm just worried about him. He's so different. I mean, he's more mature and more serious, which, I'm not going to lie, is extremely hot, but... it's still just isn't him. He just isn't the same guy that I...."

I shut my mouth before my lips could utter what I was feeling. Lorelai wasn't making up things. She was absolutely right. I am in love with Jaden. I have been for quite some time now. But, I didn't want anyone to know, not even Lorelai. I didn't want to take a chance on him finding out. Because if he found out, things would never be the same. I'm so afraid of what he would say, of what he would do. I'm afraid of rejection. I had been rejected so much in my lifetime, and I know that my heart couldn't take another rejection. I still remember the first time I was rejected like it was yesterday.

(Flashback)

It was 1 am. I was 5 years old. I could hear my parents arguing downstairs. I could never get to sleep when they started. I went over to Atticus' room, like I usually did when they fought, and lay in his bed with him.

"Please, Nick, don't say such things," I heard my mother plead. Her voice cracked with the distraught and stress the fight had brought her.

"Shut up, Sapphira! I don't want to hear anymore bullshit come out of your mouth!" My father spat back.

"Nick pl---"

But my father cut her off before she had a chance to finish. Atticus and I could hear our mother drop to the floor with a loud thud. We could hear our father yelling at our mother before stomping out the door, slamming it so hard I swore the hinges would come off. My eyes filled with tears and ran down my cheek without my knowledge, and Atticus put his arms around me and held me tight. As soon as I saw the tear splash on my hand, they all came gushing out like a waterfall. I couldn't stop. I kept all of my emotions inside for the sake of my mother. I wanted to show her that I was strong so that she wouldn't worry about me. She had other things to worry about.

The next morning, I ran downstairs to see my mother still lying on the floor. Her body was shaking uncontrollably. I could see the dried tears on her cheek, and the stains her tears had left. I knew she had been crying all night long because the tear stains were still fresh. Dried blood stained her chin and where it had come out of the corner of her mouth. Her usually perfect, blonde hair was scattered all around her and over her face. But the thing that will haunt me the rest of my life were her eyes. Her soft, golden brown eyes were now a horrific yellow, wide open with shock and fear. The gentleness in her eyes was nowhere to be found.

I ran over to her, tears coming out of my eyes, and shook her violently. "Mama, mama! Mama, get up," I said. I shook her as hard as I could, but she didn't move. She didn't even look at me. She just kept staring into the air with the same look of fear and shock that never left her eyes, not for a minute. I collapsed on top of her, heavy sobs coming uncontrollably out of me.

After spending what felt like an eternity crying on top of my mother, I sat up and noticed my father sitting at the dining room table eating his breakfast. I ran over to him and latched my arms around his waist.

"Daddy, I love you! I love you, Daddy! Please, please, don't hurt me! Please don't hurt Mama anymore! And please don't hurt Addi!" I pleaded.

My father never put his arms around me and told me that he loved me, too, or promised me he wouldn't hurt me. Instead, he grabbed my arms firmly, and violently pulled me away from him. I looked up into his cold, horrific blue eyes, confusion in mine, tears running down my rosy cheeks.

"Now, listen to me you little brat. I don't love you. I've never loved you. You and Atticus were the biggest mistakes in my life. And now, I'm going to make-up for the mistakes that I made. I'm going to make sure I don't ever see you again."

I looked at my father with shock. At first, I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. I thought he was joking, something that just one year ago he would constantly do. But, after a few moments of staring into his eyes, his words hit me like a ton of bricks. There was no sign anywhere in his hard eyes that he was joking. The sparkle was gone.

He didn't love me. He thought that we were all a mistake, and he was going to fix that. Pain filled every fiber of my being. My heart was so heavy that it felt like it was going to drop out of my body. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move, or cry, or speak. All I could feel was the cold sting of rejection resonating throughout my body. I just stood there, looking up into his cold, hateful eyes. I didn't resist when he pulled me to Atticus' room and pulled him out of bed. He pulled us both downstairs.

"What's going on, Dad?" Atticus asked, still groggy from sleep. My father stopped dead in his tracks and whirled around and looked at Atticus menacingly.

"Shut the fuck up, you little bastard! Don't call me 'Dad,' because, that's not who I am, not anymore! I am going to fix the mistakes that I've made starting with you two!"

With those words, he suddenly collapsed on top of us. I could see the blood seeping from where he had been hit. I saw my mother standing above him, breathing heavily with tears running down her cheeks, her eyes wild with fear. There were small wounds on her hands from where the glass had broken and cut her hand. I looked down at the shattered glass around us. I immediately recognized that it was the expensive crystal vase he had given my mother two years ago for her birthday. Now, that vase, that memory, was shattered into a million little pieces.

"You will never, EVER fucking hurt my kids! NEVER!!!" My mother screamed.

After that, she grabbed mine and Atticus' hands and we ran over to our neighbor's house, where she called 911. As the police took him away in handcuffs, he looked back at us one last time with a look of hatred, and revenge. I knew that, from that day on, he swore he would one day come back for us and finish his duty that he felt obligated to do.

After that, we moved far away from the only home I had ever known. For six months afterwards, I had nightmares about my father coming back and killing us all one by one. I had closed myself off to other people. My mother decided to put us all in therapy. And it wasn't until after years of therapy that I finally allowed people in, that I allowed myself to love other people again. I had liked some boys in middle school, and even had a couple of boyfriends. But, it wasn't until I liked this one boy at the end of my 8th grade year that brought the horrific memories rushing back. I liked him more than I had ever liked any other boy. And one day, I had gotten up the courage to tell him I liked him, thinking he felt the same way I did by the way he was treating me. I found out quickly though, that he didn't quite feel the same way about me.

"Look Alexis, I think that you're a sweet girl and all, but, you're just not my type. I'm sorry." he said.

I plastered on a fake smile and got out of there as soon as possible. I could feel the same cold sting of rejection I had felt 8 years earlier. It was from then on that I promised myself I would never share my feelings with anyone I didn't know or trust. My heart can't take another rejection.

(End flashback)

"Hello? Alexis? Are you still with us?" she asked loudly, hands cupped around her mouth to make her voice project more. I shook my head a few times and realized, with relief, that I wasn't back home as a 5-year-old girl.

"O-oh, sorry, Lorelai! I was just... thinking, again," I said, smiling apologetically. Lorelai sighed and shook her head, her arms crossed over her chest.

"M-m-m, what are we going to do with you, Lex?"

"Sorry," I apologized again.

"Hey, why don't we get out of here? I know why don't we go and see what Jaden's up to?" Lorelai asked, trying to put on an innocent smile. But I knew better.

"Oh no, don't try and play innocent with me, Ms. Lorelai Carraway! I know what's going to happen when we go over there," I stated, stubbornly crossing my arms over my chest. Lorelai looked at me, trying to trick me with her big, light green, puppy dog eyes.

"Why, Alexis dear, what ever do you mean?" she asked in the sweetest voice she could manage. But I wasn't fooled. I'd spent enough time with her to know when she was acting.

"Oh, shove that cute, innocent bit right up your ass! If we go over there, you're going to try and get me to tell Jaden that I love him with some stupid ass trick that you come up with! Well, you can just save it because I'm not going over there."

I whirled around and looked at Lorelai, who was looking at me with one eyebrow raised, her arms crossed across her chest and a small smirk turning up one corner of her lip. This had me confused.

"What?" I asked.

"I knew it," she said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Knew what?" I asked, getting slightly irritated.

"I knew that you're in love with him! You just said it! I knew it! Ha!" she said, extremely giddy and a little bit too proud.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. I knew what I said, and I knew that there was no point in trying to argue my way out of it. I closed my eyes, put my hands together like I was praying and brought them up to my mouth, and took a nice, deep breath. After a few seconds, I released it nice and slow. I opened my eyes and looked at Lorelai intently.

"Lorelai let me explain something to you. You have no right to go and tell Jaden, or anyone else for that matter about my feelings for him. There's a reason why I kept it a secret, and I want it to stay that way. Do you understand?" I said critically.

"You can count on me, Lex!" she stated with a goofy grin.

"You don't understand," I said walking closer to her. I put my hands on her shoulders and put on my best death glare, and looked her deep in the eyes.

"If I find out that you told a single soul, even a dog, I swear to God you better have something stronger than an umbrella to save you from the ungodly fucking fire storm I will reign down upon you," I said letting deadly venom seep into my voice. Lorelai looked at me for a moment with a hint of fear in her light green eyes, but was quickly replaced with agitation. She sighed.

"Alexis, don't worry about me! I have a perfect record of keeping secrets. You can ask any of my friends or family." I took in one more quick breath and released it, deciding that I really could trust her, and only her.

"Okay. I believe you. Thanks, Lorelai. And sorry for the threat!" I said with an apologetic smile. She smiled back at me.

"It's okay, Lex. I understand. Now, c'mon! I'll race you to the Slifer Red dorms!" Lorelai blew past me and out of the door.

"Hey, no fair! You got a head start!" I said while trying to catch up with her.

"Ya snooze, ya lose, Lexi!" she replied.

We ran down to the Slifer Red dorms, laughing and having a good time. It was a temporary relief from the painful memories and horrifying dreams I would have to endure that night when I went back to my safe and sober, yet sometimes suffocating room.