Title: Solace
Summary: Takes place S1E8. Nicky succumbs to a small touch of the flu, while dealing with the aftermath of having to be the one to exile Trisha from the family.
Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do however own my writing, please don't steal- Johanna002©
Read, Review, Subscribe, Add to Favs
A/N: I have so many other things I should be working on, but here I am- procrastination at its finest.
It was the relentless pounding in Nicky's head that caused her to rub forcefully at her temples. She tossed in her bunk, restlessly. Her eyes flew open to see Norma watching her with concern. Sighing, she turned on to her other side to face the wall.
The look of concern, tied together with the fact that it wasn't Trisha watching her, made her stomach tighten and churn. Today had been so fucking miserable. Groaning into her pillow, one hand continued to massage her head and the other went down to hold her stomach, she balled into the fetal position, willing her body to cooperate and settle down.
Her emotions tumbled inside of her like a tornado, and she bit her lip forcefully to stop the wobbling. She wasn't allowed to cry. This was on her- everything. It was time she bore the weight of the responsibility. Trisha was her sister. She was supposed to watch out for her and she had failed her.
She hadn't been watching closely enough, or maybe she had just chosen to ignore the signs. She cursed Red's name silently under her breath. She hated her for not understanding. The pain in her stomach radiated, igniting her body into flames. She shifted once more and grimaced at the way her clothes and sweat clung to her.
'It's chemical, not personal!' That's what she had told Red. Fighting an addiction was like fighting in a war with no weapons or armor. It wasn't that Trisha wanted to hurt herself, or that she even wanted to hurt Red, but she had been sucked in so deep that she became oblivious to the path she had fallen down, and to the repercussions that awaited her.
No longer, could Nicky distinguish her discomfort between physical and emotional. She coughed loudly into her pillow, and her throat burned with the same intensity as if she had swallowed barbed wire.
Thinking about Trisha only made added to the nauseated sensation she felt. The look in her eyes was something Nicky would never forget, and the way she screamed after her when she stormed out of the cube was tearing slowly at her heart. So many times she had screamed out for her mother with the same intensity and need, begging her to never leave her; begging her to stay.
It was that similarity that kicked Nicky over the edge. In a swift minute she tumbled out of bed, and reached for the waste basket. She hurled up what little contents she had in her stomach, Norma leaping up instantly to hold her hair back. When finished, she wiped furiously at her mouth with the back of her hand.
"Don't you-oh!" She shouted as Norma quickly made her way out of the cube. "I don't want to see her, Norma!"
Flopping unceremoniously back down on her bunk, she willed herself to regain control of her wayward thoughts. Her eyes had just closed when she heard footsteps and she felt her body suddenly tense.
"Mute and apparently deaf." Nicky spat sarcastically, her eyes peaking open just enough to confirm her suspicions. Her eyes locked with Red's, but she directed her statement at Norma. "You obviously didn't hear shit I said. I don't want to see her." She said the words slowly, subconsciously hoping to elicit some sort of reaction.
Rolling her eyes, Red walked over towards her. She placed the back of her hand upon Nicky's forehead, and sighed. "You're running a fever." Allowing her eyes to truly take in every detail of Nicky she was pained to see her shivering. She tucked the blanket around her tightly.
Nicky shrugged away from her. "I didn't call for you, so I don't know why you're here." She huffed in annoyance as Red made no move to leave. "Go away!"
"Oh, will you shut up?" Red asked angrily, her nerves wearing thin.
"I did not ask for this." Nicky grumbled. "Just leave me alone." She turned away from the woman she had come to trust more than anyone, conflicted on how to proceed. Nicky was angry and hurt, and she would be damned if she allowed herself to melt into Red's care. She was the reason she was having this conflicting mental battle to begin with.
The weight of her emotions was becoming too much to bear, add to the fact that she couldn't get Trisha's painful cry of disbelief out of her head.
"She's supposed to take care of us!"
In a moment of crisis, Red had turned her back on Trisha, and Nicky couldn't allow herself to find comfort in her arms. It wasn't fucking fair.
Red seemed oblivious to the turmoil in Nicky's head. She knew the girl was angry with her, but in time she would see that she had done the right thing. Trisha had fallen hard and fast, and while Red longed to mother her through detoxing, it was time the girl learned her lesson.
If her girls wanted to play fast and loose with her rules, then so be it.
Stroking her hair, silently pleading with Nicky to let her in, she spoke softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "A little tough love never hurt anyone, Nicky." She didn't realize how much her words would later haunt her. "She forced my hand. I refuse to let either one of you fall into old habits. Take a lesson from this, and don't ever doubt my love."
It seemed like a wonderful contradiction to Nicky. In her mind's eyes, a loving mother would nurture you through anything, but not Red, because like Marka had done to her many times, she had thrown her child out to wolves.
"Do you have any idea what 'tough love' in this situation feels like?" Nicky asked angrily, twisting over enough to face her. "You aren't saying what you think you are. You're saying 'I wash my hands of you'. That's what tough love feels like when you're going through an addiction, Red." By this point, Nicky was in tears and her voice was unsteady, cracking under the pressure of her emotions. "You made me kick her out of the family- something you didn't have the nerve to do yourself."
Red was not one who allowed herself to be lectured. Nicky was the only one brave enough to even try. In visualizing herself in the shoes of an addict, it dawned on her how badly her words and her decision could affect Trisha's recovery. The vulnerable place her relationship with Nicky was now in, forced her to acknowledge that after this little stunt, her girls- Nicky- would be less likely to seek her out when there was a problem.
Her blue eyes sought immediate comfort in the anger of Nicky's brown obs. It was a strange feeling- acknowledging the peace Nicky could bring her even when she was angry. It was something that couldn't be explained. If she were to try and guess, it would have to be Nicky's honesty which did her in. No matter if Nicky were worry free and happy, or fuming and raging, she was honest
"I understand that, Nicky." Red didn't even recognize her own voice. Of its own accord, her hand reached out to grab her chin, her thumb and pointer finger urging Nicky to draw her head up higher. "But here's something you don't get, my love. As a mother, as someone who loves the both of you very deeply- there's only so much one can take before they reach their breaking point."
"Wel-"
With a raised eyebrow, Red silenced her. "I do what I do, to keep you girls' safe- and sometimes that's from other people, and sometimes it's from yourselves."
Nicky pulled the blanket tighter around herself. She still felt horrible and this conversation was making her feel worse. Red immediately took notice of this, her fingers quickly trailing back and forth along Nicky's forehead, hoping her touch was bringing her some sort of comfort.
"I feel so shitty, Red." Nicky allowed herself to crumbled, and she wept into her pillow. She was seized by another fit of coughing, and a few harsh sneezes.
Assuming she meant her physical health, Red ordered Norma to get a cool rag. "I can walk with you to the nurse." She offered, finger still massaging Nicky's forehead.
Nicky shook her head, her hands clutching onto her pillow tightly. She was going to be sick again. "I left her, Red. I just… walked away from her." In an instant she was reaching for the waste basket once more. The sounds of her heaving were enough to bring tears to Red's eyes. She held her hair back and patted her back softly. Nicky wiped at mouth, grimacing at how swollen her throat felt.
"I just…" Nicky trailed off. "I don't know how I did it. So many times I asked myself how my mom walked away from me." Anger flashed in her eyes as she once again mentally compared herself to her mother. "I've never wanted to become her… but I'm just as bad, aren't I?"
Red shook her head; suddenly it seemed as if she was unable to speak. Instantly, as if she had been struck by lightning, she was fully aware of Nicky's feelings. She mentally kicked herself for not realizing sooner- Nicky was not the one who should have talked Trisha into turning herself in. In fact, it should have been Red. She should have had enough gall to do the deed herself instead of pawning the job off.
All of this was too fresh and too close for Nicky to disconnect herself. As a recovering addict and someone who had been abandoned in her time of need, she shouldn't have turned her back on her friend- she was no better, and definitely wasn't in a position where she could pass judgement.
The sound of Nicky crying was enough to snap Red back into the present. In an instant she was pulling Nicky to her, her hand desperately stroking the back of her head.
"Shh, Nicky," She soothed. "You are nothing like your mother."
"Ma," She squeaked into the crevice of her neck. "I left her."
"You didn't leave her." Red told her gently. She tried not to focus on how hot and sticky Nicky's skin was. "She's going to detox and she'll be out before you know it." Even to her it sounded hollow. It was never going to be that simple.
It had felt like an eternity, but Norma finally returned with a rag and some water. The mute felt awkwardly out of place as she watched Red blot Nicky's skin. She observed them a minute longer before leaving.
The only sound that filled the room was Nicky's persistent coughing. Red's hand beat gently against her back, encouraging her to cough up all of the mucous in her lungs. She cringed at the more than undignified way Nicky spit into the wastebasket.
Nicky inhaled deeply, and fell into a heap against the pillows. She shivered as Red continued to blot her down with the rag. She closed her eyes, and tried to not enjoy the way her heart fluttered at having someone take care of her- it was still a foreign concept.
"Red," She called sleepily, still shivering. "Ma,"
So focused on her task, Red had barely heard her. She glanced down to see Nicky looking at her through slightly hooded eyes. "Hmm?" She asked softly, gently squeezing the rag enough for water to trickle down the base of Nicky's neck.
"We can't leave her." Nicky mumbled, enjoying the relief she felt as the cool water made contact with her skin. "She won't make it on her own."
Red nodded softly, "Okay, malyshka. Okay."
"You'll make it right?" Nicky's voice was just barely above a whisper, falling deeper into unconsciousness. "She needs us."
Inhaling deeply, Red forced a tight smile on her lips. She understood perfectly where Nicky was coming from but she couldn't allow Trisha to get off the hook so easily. She loved her to pieces and would do anything to protect her, but she couldn't let her bring this around her family. There was more at stake here then just Tricia. She had to watch out for Nicky as well, the girl had enough help finding trouble; she didn't want her to be easily enabled.
Looking down she smiled softly at Nicky's sleeping form. Her hand lovingly traced the outline of her jaw. Nicky was a complete terror when she was awake, but looked completely angelic and innocent when she slept. Red was starting to feel her metaphorical walls crumble, and suddenly she felt vulnerable. She glanced around briefly, needing assurance that no one would witness the break in her tough-Russian facade.
Slipping her shoes off, she situated herself next Nicky and drew her close. She had a sudden need to hold her, and as she felt Nicky's body relax and curl into her she closed her eyes in content.
"Your back," Nicky mumbled sleepily against her shoulder.
Red pulled her impossibly closer. "Sh," She kissed her head gently. "Sleep. I just want to hold you for a little while."
That evening, Norma had found the pair exactly where she left them. She smiled sweetly at them, being as quiet as she possibly could. She was collecting her things to prepare for a shower when she heard movement; she smiled sweetly at Red as her tired eyes strained sleepily at her.
Red stretched out, careful not to disturb Nicky. "My back is already regretting this decision." She whispered.
In an instant Norma was at her side offering to help her up.
"No," she shook her head. She curled closer to Nicky. "Tomorrow morning she'll go back to being mad at me and being a pain in my neck. I just want to enjoy her innocence for a while longer."
Norma smiled, inclining her head softly in understanding. It was rare to see this side of her friend. Red certainly had a soft spot for Nicky, in a way she didn't possess for anyone else. That girl had the potential to make or break her.
Running her hands through Nicky's wild locks Red frowned, poor girl was still burning up. Nicky's face scrunched in pain and she whimpered lightly in her sleep. Her hand balled a fistful of Red's shirt but at the feel of a soft kiss against her hairline Nicky visibly relaxed, and the furrow of her brows ceased almost immediately.
Nicky tossed, and pulled the blanket up higher around her. She felt her body succumb to consciousness and felt completely disoriented. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, willing them to adjust to the light.
"Fuck," She grumbled. Her head was killing her. As if on cue she sounded off with a steady cadence of violent coughing and painful sneezing.
Red stirred next her, having only just been able to fall back asleep. "What's wrong, honey?" She asked her, tone husky and thick.
Nicky shivered, finally able to get her coughing under control. "I feel like shit," She was nasally and congested.
"Nicky, you're covered in sweat!" By this point Red was wide awake. She bit her lip in an attempt to conceal her pain as she pushed herself off of the bunk. She would pay for that decision to sleep in such a position for the next week. Pushing her pain down, she reached a hand out. "Come on, you need to take a shower. You'll feel much better. I promise."
Nicky took the offered hand and slowly crawled out of bed, as she came to stand on her feet she felt her eyes roll back and felt overcome by dizziness. "I don't feel good." She said as Red helped hold her steady.
"I know, but you'll feel better soon." Red told her as she wrapped one arm around her waist, carrying clothes and her toothbrush in the other. She began to lead her towards the showers and shook her head at how damp Nicky's clothes were.
Many of the inmates had already finished their nightly regime, so thankfully the lines weren't very long. Red pushed past the small group of women who were still waiting to shower and ushered Nicky into a shower stall.
"Man," Vause grumbled angrily, she was supposed to be next in line. "What the hell, Nicky?"
Red tossed a look over her shoulder, almost daring the younger woman to challenger her. "She doesn't feel good." Came her short reply.
Crossing her arms, she grumbled angrily. "Mama's baby always gets her way."
"Bite me, Vause," Nicky retorted, but she was hardly threatening, her tone exhausted and nasally.
"I can do this myself," Nicky whined as Red helped her out of her clothes.
The Russian scoffed. "You can't even stand up right on your own." She shook her head as Nicky shuffled around uncomfortably, almost as if she were embarrassed to be so exposed.
Too many times Red had helped Nicky through a fevered attack, or walked in on her and Lorna in a less than dignified state- in short, it wasn't anything she hadn't seen before. She hung Nicky's clothes up over the divide and reached for the handle, moving out of the sprays line of fire just as the pipes burst to life.
Carefully, Red guided her under the warmth of the water. In a matter of second Nicky began another painful round of coughing, but the warmth of the water was doing wonders to break up the congestion in her chest.
Nicky was grateful for Red's presence. She knew if it weren't for her she'd still be lying in her bunk, drowning in her own misery. As comforted as she felt, she didn't allow herself to so easily forget the anger she still harbored towards the Russian.
"Nicky," Red drawled her name out. She could see the wheels spinning in her head and wasn't sure whether to smile or roll her eyes in annoyance.
Shrugging, Nicky allowed her to lather her hair with shampoo. "You know I'm not letting this go."
"I know," Red choose to smile. Nicky wouldn't be Nicky if she allowed herself to easily give in. "But, for tonight can you just push that from your mind and let me take care of you?" she guided her back under the water to wash out the shampoo. "Please?"
With her hair washed, and being able to breathe more steadily, Nicky shut off the water. Red handed her a towel and waited patiently for her to dry herself off, she then handed her dry, fresh clothes before stepping out of the stall.
Ushering her over to the sink they fell into a steady routine. Nicky tried to ignore the way her heart fluttered at the attentive way Red cared for her. She had never experienced such pure, loving attention before she met Red. Suddenly, she felt like a child.
Nicky didn't want to admit that she enjoyed this. For fucks sake, she was supposed to be miserable, and she was supposed to be angry at Red, but here she was desperately craving the attention that the woman easily bestowed upon her.
"Don't forget to brush your tongue." Red reminded her softly.
It was this heart stopping moments of tenderness that caused Nicky's stomach to twist in knots. She shouldn't be enjoying this. It wasn't fair to Trisha. The thought of her friend caused her forehead to crinkle.
"Hey, now," Red said gently, calling Nicky out of whatever world she had lost herself in. She played with the ends of Nicky's still wet hair. "Let's get you back to bed, huh?"
Nicky allowed herself to be led back to the dorm. Her stomach still felt queasy, and her head was starting to hurt again but it wasn't anything she couldn't handle on her own.
"I got it," Nicky huffed, shrugging out of Red's arms. She crawled in her bunk and buried herself under her blanket. She inhaled deeply and squeezed her eyes shut. She wouldn't allow herself to admit to the sudden feeling of emptiness that she had. She didn't want Red to go away, but she couldn't allow this to go on whilst Tricia sat in in SHU, painfully withering away to nothing.
In a matter of seconds, Red could feel the tension return. Not really meaning it, but too tired to continue arguing, she asked. "Do you really want me to go?"
The silence that followed terrified her. Was Nicky serious?
Her eyes still closed, Nicky scooted as close to the wall as she could get. "No, I don't." She muttered softly. She cursed silently under her breath- she hated being so damn needy.
Red couldn't fight the small grin that came to her lips. Silently, she lowered herself onto the bunk and Nicky turned and immediately began to gravitate towards her. The pain in her back was still present, and she knew lying in such a confined space would only serve to aggravate it more, but it was a price she was more than willing to pay.
"I'll stay until you fall asleep," Red told her gently.
Nicky exhaled, and curled closer to her, mentally cursing herself as she did so. "I don't like being so dependent on you."
Red tried not to smile. "I know."
"And I'm not gonna drop this Tricia thing."
"I know that too." She kissed her forehead.
Nicky felt her eyes grow heavy. "I don't feel good."
"Sh," Red soothed, hand gently rubbing up and down the long expanse of her back. "Go to sleep, I'll be here if you need anything."