The Travelling Kitchen Sink
by SomebodyLost
Running To Stand Still: Deer Me
They did lots of things to pass the time.
They told each other stories, childish exploits in summers, gossips around the marketplace and hospital, myths and legends from their travels, classified missions in ANBU and beyond.
They trained and shared jutsu, Sakura giving her all, taking advantage of Itachi's apparent immortality, while the latter mused that if things happened the way he wanted, he could've pursued teaching.
All clan secrets and techniques learnt were spilled. Skeletons in the closet aired in the open.
They talked and did about almost everything under and over the sun.
Initially, both were very reluctant, their shinobi training in keeping secrets kicking in, but then they realized one thing: society doesn't exist anymore.
Nobody will judge you.
You can be who ever you want to be.
It was a depressing but liberating revelation.
So they danced on and off the road, sang on and off key, watched movies and clouds, studied scrolls and chemicals, experimented with fuuinjutsu and fashion, cursed the moon and misguided extremists, sew dolls and clothes, skipped on dry land and wet marshes, played games and contests, read and criticize old tomes, hunted animals and mementos, discovered and rediscovered ruins, fiddled with music and art...
(Naturally, Itachi beat Sakura at almost everything. He had the advantage of having twenty-four waking hours, giving him more time to learn.)
Every thing to occupy their time, to make them laugh, even if it's half-hearted.
Anything to stave off the crushing feeling of loneliness. Helplessness. Depression.
Even, to Itachi's eternal shame and Sakura's amusement, crossdressing.
(He couldn't beat Sakura at that. But Sakura really appreciated his efforts to cheer her up.)
Anything.
Except sex.
But they thought about it…
The Edo Tensei summons were tasked in killing every living, breathing thing, so when they finished eliminating the humans, they moved on to animals and insects. They now considered it a privilege to see an animal around, no matter how small or ugly it is, alive and kicking.
They were sitting on a low cliff overlooking a grassy plain, Sakura and Itachi idly minding their own business, when two deer strolled in and just went at it.
Having seen nothing but trees, clouds, trees, rocks, and trees all throughout their travels in Fire Country, Sakura and Itachi welcomed this change in scenery, however unconventional it is.
Sakura, suddenly struck by her usual bout of loneliness, felt oddly left out. She told this to Itachi who nodded understandably. But when he noticed her dreamy look towards the copulating deer, he froze, realizing where she was getting at.
"You fear that there will be no one left alive to engage in such activities with," he slowly said. If blood was pumping in his system, he would've been blushing by that point. Undead or not, this was awkward. One does not simply talk about sex lives.
He glanced at her then looked away. "Not to mention that you, being a fully functional, breathing," here he allowed some traces of jealousy to seep through in his tone, "living female, experience hormonal imbalances and," pausing, trying to appear that he was only offering his insight in a clinical manner, "menstruation."
He wanted kill himself. Damn the no-secrets, tell-me-whatever-is-on-your-mind policy between them. But he was trying to be a friend to her and tell her the facts, no matter how embarrassing they are. He wanted to be true with himself and be a genuine friend to her. Manipulations can only go so far.
And he had nothing to lose.
Besides, Itachi thought, chagrined, I can't die to save myself.
Sakura stupidly gawked, hearing such things from the Uchiha Itachi's mouth, but she reminded herself that she walked in on that one. And there was nobody to talk to anyways. No Ino to tell her feminine problems to…
An uncomfortable silence ensued, strained by the whines of the copulating deer.
Sakura fidgeted, shaking the depressing thoughts off while wondering how low the both of them have fallen. Itachi just plain looked uneasy, examining the deer with sudden scholarly interest.
A bolt of curious lightning went through Sakura's mind.
She looked at her partner, weighing the pros and cons of voicing such a thought, but, well, there was nothing to do or lose anyway.
"Are you a virgin?", Sakura blurted out, trying to diffuse the awkwardness. She heroically kept her tone professional, but she was awfully curious. Nobody has ever gotten a peep on the Uchiha prodigy's sex life, after all, so she took the trust policy between them as an opportunity.
Itachi stiffened, then slowly turned his head and stared blankly at her. Sakura looked away, knowing that she will never win a staring contest with him, even without his intimidating Sharingan. She ducked her head to hide her blush, all the while continuing to feel his eyes bore through her skull.
After what seemed an eternity of nothing but hearing deer making loud, mewling noises, Itachi spoke.
"Yes," he mumbled almost incoherently, but Sakura was waiting for an answer, so she managed to decipher it.
She beamed at him, pleased that he trusted her with such personal information. Itachi, unfortunately, mistook her delight for something else.
"I will not participate in necrophilia with you," Uchiha Itachi adamantly claimed.
Silence.
Then Sakura's eyes widened as the words registered.
"I do not want to do that with you!" the female indignantly screeched, backing away. "What in heaven's name made you think th-that - that I want to do that?!"
Itachi was sure that his eardrums popped and waited for a few moments for them to regrow. The wait was also beneficial to the aggravated female as it gave her time to recover her heart rate to a harmless level.
"You were…", he paused, trying to be delicate, not wanting to put more stress on the volcano that is Sakura, "grinning." Sakura just glared at him, wanting to kill him. He couldn't blame her.
But she was throwing weird, sex-related questions and ideas lately! So how can he not think otherwise? He revealed those thoughts to her in no certain terms before she can manage to level the landscape.
Sakura blinked. And blinked once more. Then she laughed. Hard.
Itachi felt as if he entered the twilight zone. He glanced away and saw that the deer were still going at it, utterly undisturbed.
Sakura wiped her tears away. "I'm sorry," she said, trying to throw her mirth away to speak properly, "It's just that… that…," she looked away, "you're so human."
Itachi blinked and stared back at her, not quite knowing whether to take it as an insult or compliment.
"I'm sorry," she started again, "but I was happy that you shared such personal information with me. That you trusted me with your…", she looked back to the deer, "sexual status."
Itachi just stared at her.
"Women," Shisui once told him, "are volatile creatures. We men are masochistic, that's why we love 'em." His cousin was suffering a fight with his female friend at that point, but he bounced back with his usual exuberance, all the while giving his Itachi-chan unwanted advice. "Women are unpredictable. They rage at you at one moment then they smile at you at the next like nothing was wrong."
After The Incident, the Uchiha prodigy methodically avoided human civilization as he could, making his knowledge about the fairer sex rather limited. He realized with a pang of depression that regretted that he didn't try to appreciate the multitude of humanity until it was gone, but he felt that he now understood what his cousin was babbling about at the time.
"But women - they're one of the reasons why life is beautiful," Shisui said in his usual brand of absurd wisdom, as he winked and flickered away, leaving the young Itachi dumbfounded and wondering what the hell was that for.
In conclusion, when dealing with women, Itachi thought in resigned sageness, refer to Shisui's counsel.
Accepting the conclusion that women are weird and that you should just go along with them - or her, as she was the nearest living female representative at this point - Itachi eased back and smiled at his companion.
"Are you a virgin?" he returned smoothly. Sakura whipped her head so fast and blushed hard. Itachi immediately (sadistically) understood why she asked such a personal question, and smirked triumphantly.
"Yes," she meekly returned, but valiantly held her gaze. She asked such a private question first, so the least she could do was to answer it with dignity.
Itachi just snorted at her attempts. But with that, the gentle calm returned.
The deer then mewled loudly, grabbing their attention. Sakura sat back down beside Itachi, now comfortable with the ambiance, and raised a pink eyebrow at the noises that the deer were making, louder than before.
A strange, poleaxing feeling of camaraderie settled between the two unlikely companions. Maybe because getting angry over such a misunderstanding seemed so stupid now. Or maybe because they have no one but each other, so they have to make the best of it.
Or maybe because their bestial entertainment was ending, so a respective silence was needed to enjoy it to its maximum potential.
But it was probably more to the fact that he died as a virgin (Sakura thought) and she will die as one (Itachi thought). Both found a bizarre sense of solace that the other is in the same sexual situation as the other.
The deer mewled and mewled. Then they changed angles.
Itachi and Sakura leaned to the right and tilted their heads together to get a better view.
Author's Notes/Ramblings:
~ Hello! As you can see, I made another fic. This is, as was said on the summary, a collection of one-shots that were stewing in my head that I post in here to keep my creativity going. Some will be crack, some will be not, some will be fluff, some will be angst. But it will revolve around my, our, OTP. ;D
~ Why The Travelling Kitchen Sink? It was actually random jumbo of words, and I got the idea while was washing the dishes, but now that I think about it...
The 'Kitchen Sink' part comes from the sink that we hoard all the dishes to. We (I) clean it later in one sitting (or standing, to be accurate). This fic is like that; I have lots of ideas and stories in my mind, but they're just in my mind! I need to clean and polish 'em up so that I can sleep easy and move on other things.
The 'Travelling' part came from my penchant for time-travel fics. I love, love time-travel fics, and as a result, most of my plotbunnies are about time-travelling. Which means that MOST of the upcoming chapters in here will be about time-travelling or some sort.
~ Running To Stand Still is the name of a time-travel fic that I'm currently penning. It's... full of drabbles by this point, due to me still needing to plan out the plot, but meh, I can't wait! Therefore, I posted this chapter, which is an excerpt.
Thank you for your comments! Your suggestions will be most welcome.
But I need a beta. :3
~ Lost-chan