"Get out!" shrilly ends a screaming match of unintelligible voices.
The resounding slam shakes the house. I scramble to the bathroom - where the window overlooks the street - watching a sharply-dressed man stomp to a beaten sedan, stab unsuccessfully at the lock, start up and drive away. He didn't look back.
I slink back to my room, wondering when he'll be back this time. My mother's bawling permeates through the walls, a banshee's wail. It's unsettling, and I try harder to ignore it.
In this moment, I'm given a lesson in brevity. I refuse to be dragged down the rabbit hole.
~#3~
You remember the first time he left. It had been late into the AM and you were sound asleep: you didn't even hear the fighting. In spite of that, your dad came into your room that night. He gently shook you awake to say goodbye, and to say that he would be back later when Daddy and Mommy weren't so pissed off at each other, and to say that you're his princess and he loves you.
You remember hugging him quietly like you did whenever he went on his long business trips.
You and your mom pushed on like he didn't leave. You were still that flawless, happy family.
He came back the next week and you hugged him like you did when he came home smelling of cheap flowers and bad medicine. Nothing had changed but your mom stopped crying for a little while.
The silence you shield yourself in allows you to understand Robbie. You're sick to the stomach when you watch him hide behind a doll the way you hide behind a door.
~#3~
Jade was young (too young) the first time she went to comfort her mom. Too young when she overheard the fighting for the first time, because they hid it so well - maintained the picture-perfect image - the rest of the time.
Don't go, Mrs. West cried out before the door slammed shut. A minute later, it opened again and she looked up hopefully but it was just her daughter.
She was young but she wanted to keep her mom safe.
Jade will always remember the look on her mother's face: disappointed to see her.
Jade was cold and her bed seemed too far away. Her mom had passed out a while ago, yet Jade couldn't bring herself to leave the woman completely. When she found herself in her mom's mini-walk-in closet (huddled on the floor) she told herself she was paying attention, that she hadn't lost track of time. That she wasn't crying for real - those tracks of tears were fake.
She's always wanted to be an actress.
Even hours later, curled up sideways on a cold chair in the garage, she still heard the echos of her mother's bitter words.
~#3~
Had you known that was the last time you'd see your dad, you would've called out to him to see his face. Now your memory is warping what he looks like, and the man you see in your mind (in your dreams) is still there so you really can't bring yourself to drag out a photo album to relearn him.
Your parents finally get a divorce two weeks later when you're 14. You sigh with relief, feeling only a little bad that you so condemn their relationship (not that anyone should be allowed to fault you).
When you tell your mom about Beck, she smiles sadly and you almost think you might be able to introduce her to Beck. Maybe it would work out.
Later that night, her shrieks ruin your wishful thinking.
Taking refuge, you wish you could soundproof your heart the same way you soundproofed your room (for practicing your music, you'd tell André when he noticed. Of course another [troubled] musician would hear it).
You know how ridiculous this must look: you being Jade West and a mouse in your own home. You hate yourself just a little more when you step back into the spotlight every day, vibrant and brash (sometimes it makes you wonder if ever-grandiose Trina Vega does this to herself when she's alone).
~#3~
Jade's modest stability is shaken when Tori Vega hits the scene. The dark girl wore far too much makeup that week.
On the second day they kissed. Of course she knows Tori's not after Beck. That's not the point. Yes, she knows it was just a stage kiss. And yes, she knows it didn't mean anything to the new girl but a win over her.
The point is he isn't uninterested. What hits Jade West the hardest is the fact that he went along with it.
"Let's do it," he had said when there were so, so many other ways it could've been deflected. "Let's not and say we did." "Let me check my atmosphere ratings." "Leave to home I must." He was a magical alien one for jankssake.
Granted, it didn't help that Mr. West called the morning of Tori's first day. He called to tell her he's still alive, and in town, and that he's sorry. Jade West learned by her mother's example to become extra bitter.
Jade doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to hear it. But now she has his cell phone number.
"I love you." Not that she believes him. "Never trust men."
~#3~
After berating yourself of your stockholm syndrome, you tap in that number. You hate how weak you are with need.
Tori did some amazing thing and got your play paid for. Everything is falling into place. You feel like dancing in the streets; you're floating and aglow.
Then you meet Mrs. Lee and daughter Daisy. That night after your first run-through, you lock yourself in your room. You scream and let out the tears you furiously blinked away at the end of that disaster of a song. Disheartened, your throat is raw with fatalism.
You didn't want to tell her what was wrong (you learned early on not to let other people into your business, family business), so when she asks, "Why are you being such a baby?" you give her the watered-down version of your truth.
And it is true, he didn't (doesn't) approve. Not even when you were starring in the 4th grade musical, and when he decided to work late instead.
Besides… it's not like you were going to tell Vega you haven't seen the guy since two months before the divorce. Or that you haven't said more than ten words to him in the last 2 years and 5 months (not that you've been counting). So yes, you did (do) want to show him your dreams mattered.
You want to make him sincerely regret leaving you 'cause he sure as hell couldn't have meant it when he said he'd love you forever.
The play comes and goes and you tell Cat she was amazing (good things shouldn't be left unacknowledged). You weren't lying when you said you'd never seen him so happy.
Nothing changes. You're not sure what disappoints you more: that, or the fact you honestly believed things could be different.
~#3~
For a golden moment, I thought I proved my mom wrong - there are still good samples from the male half of the species. I let myself believe in the love between me and Beck.
At least I tried really hard to.
I know it's a lie, but I can't stop myself from perpetuating it. The night I burned my hand should've told me I wasn't a priority in his life.
But I ignore the diminished frequency of touches, the waning passion in our kisses. How fake the moans are.
He didn't leave though; I did.
"Tell me you love me."
~~~3~~~
AN:
"Acoustic #3" by the Goo Goo Dolls
If you're as confused as I am, drop me a review or PM me and we can work it out together. :)
It's a rolling POV: 1, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 1.