Hi everybody! Long time no see. School got busy and I haven't had too much time to write much :( But I managed to write this piece of crazy brain vomit and am currently 1/3 of the way through the next chapter of Valentine for those of you who read that.

Anyway, this story was first posted on Tumblr as a thank you to my followers when I reached the 100 mark. I posted it as a Fairy Tail X surprise anime. But obviously it's not a surprise for you guys. This is the slightly better edited version (there are less typos). And I'm sure you're eager to read this. Which is why you opened it in the first place. Thank you :D This was tonnes of fun to write and I hope it's just as fun to read.

And what did I rate this? T? Probably. I rate everything T. This could probably be K+ though. I don't know. I haven't read enough fanfiction to get a good idea of the ratings yet. And the descriptions in the guidelines aren't very helpful :/

Just ignore me and my rambling.

Anyway, Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail or Ouran. Unfortunately. I wonder what would happen if I did...

We're Not in Fiore Anymore

"Uh, Erza, I don't think this is Brago," Lucy said as she followed her friend. Or, more precisely, her friend's luggage. She pulled her significantly smaller pack higher on her shoulders and surveyed the scenery. According to Mira, Brago was a wonderful country town with lots of sheep and a wonderful spa where the group of six girls (well, technically five girls and a cat) could wind down and relax without having to worry about anything, namely the boys. Lucy doubted that country town and spa was located in a bustling metropolis with strange moving vehicles and bright pink buildings, similar in shade to Natsu's hair.

"Nonsense!" Erza called out. "I know exactly where we're going. Brago's only a little further north."

"I think she did make a wrong turn at that crossroad," Levy whispered in Lucy's ear. "I've never seen this place before."

"Should we tell her?" Lucy asked her small friend nervously.

"Maybe. I do want a break soon but… Wendy should do it."

"What!" the young dragonslayer squeaked. "Why me?"

"Because it's impossible to be angry at you. And I don't particularly want to die." Levy reached out and took Wendy's hand. "Could you do it, please? For us?"

"No, Wendy will not. I forbid her." Charle flew down to eye level; paws perched on her small hips. "You may not use her as a sacrificial lamb just because you fear Erza."

"You're all a bunch of wusses," Cana muttered. She took a swig from her silver flask and swallowed hard. "Erza!" she called, full of fire given to her by the expensive spirits. "We're going the wrong way. We need to—Ow." This last part was added, almost as an afterthought, as Cana walked into the luggage cart, which had stopped rather suddenly. "What the hell, Erza," she muttered, rubbing her nose. "You better not have done that on purpose or I'll kick your arse."

"What's wrong, Erza?" Wendy asked as she walked to the front of the cart, the others trailing behind.

Their red headed friend was frowning gat the large pink double doors in front of them. "This isn't in Brago."

Cana rolled her eyes. "Obviously."

"Do you have any idea where we could be?" Lucy asked anxiously. They were lost. She hated being lost. At least they weren't in a forest this time. That had been horrible. Bugs for lunch, fish for dinner, no soft beds or blankets, Natsu snoring (it was even louder in the wilderness. And she thought she had gotten used to it), and the cold baths in the river. Lucy shivered at the unlikely possibility. They wouldn't be relying on anyone's nose if she had her way.

"There's a sign up there," Levy pointed out. As they looked up their gazes passed a window, the view of which revealed they were mysteriously higher than the first floor.

"Music room number three," Erza murmured. "I wonder what that means… Let's find out." She placed her hand on the door, slowly turning the handle. Her comrades protested. There could be monsters behind there! Or bugs! Or creepy perverts!

The reveal was agonisingly slow. The door creaked open, only blinding white light could be seen through the slowly expanding gap. The girls braced themselves, prepared to fight whatever leapt from its depths.

A gush of sweetly scented wind carrying beautiful pink rose petals was not what they expected.

The doorknob squeaked.

"Was that—"

"The door?" the twins asked as everyone paused to stare at the entrance. They were in the midst of this evening's preparations, creating the perfect tropical atmosphere for their clients' enjoyment.

"Maybe someone really wants to share this cake with us," the oldest boy in the group suggested, though his words were muffled by said desserts. "Isn't that nice, Usa~chan."

"But it's still two hours before we open for business," Haruhi, the only female in the group (not that you would know that from her appearance), pointed out as she closed her textbook.

"Perhaps it was a mistake and they simply chose the wrong room." Kyoya sighed and pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Which would be such a shame, we could have earned some profit from it. Back to work, boys."

"No, wait," the blond boy and leader of the group instructed, lifting his hand. "I have a strong feeling about this."

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "Not this again, senpai." The last time Tamaki had 'strong feelings' about something they had gotten lost in the slums of Tokyo.

The silence was weighted as they watched the door, waiting for some sort of sign. Everyone, except the small boy munching in his cake, was slowly running out of breath.

The knob turned an inch.

Tamaki leapt from his seat and clapped his hands. "Place, people, places! Beautiful ladies are in dire need of our company. We must not disappoint them!"

"But, senpai—"

"Shush, Haruhi, there is no time." He sprang onto the couch, taking his place in the centre and patted the cushion beside him. "Come take you seat next to Daddy." The others arranged themselves around him, preparing their well-practiced poses.

She was about to refuse when he tugged her onto the seat. Haruhi had barely righted herself when the doors opened.

"Welcome—"

"NEKOZAWA!"

The leader of the Black Magic Club stood hunched in the doorway, draped in his usual dark cloak. His voice seemed to drift out from a faceless void. "Uh, Tamaki, Host Club. What a lovely welcoming you have provided me. It could be a little darker, however.

"What are you doing here?" Tamaki demanded as he stood.

"I wanted to ask Haruhi a simple question." Nekozawa walked around the outraged boy and made his way to the couch. "Would you permit me a favour? I'll gladly curse someone for you in return."

"You don't need to do that," Haruhi replied with a nervous laugh. "What would you like to ask me?"

Nekozawa reached into the depths of his cloak and pulled out his cat puppet. "My sister was conversing with Belzeneff last night and somehow during that time he was injured." He poked his finger through a tear in the cat's side. "I trust your medical expertise and wish you to heal him."

Haruhi thought that was a strange way of asking for something to be stitched but reached out and took the puppet from his hands. "I can have him ready by tomorrow morning."

Nekozawa bowed, murmured his thanks, and left, escaping into the dark room where the Black Magic Club conducted its mysterious business.

"Before I depart," he said before closing the door, "I hope you are prepared. Strange occurrences are about to commence."

As soon as he was gone Tamaki snatched the puppet from Haruhi. "No, you may not mend this cursed cat. Daddy forbids it."

Haruhi took it back, snapping, "It's not curse. And you're not my father! How many times do I have to tell you?"

Tamaki gasped and clasped his hand to his chest. "Haruhi," he breathed, pain filling his eyes. "How could you utter such hurtful things to me, your dear—"

Before he could say the taboo word the doorknob squeaked again. The hosts stared at it in horror as it slowly turned.

"Back to your places!" a newly rejuvenated Tamaki commanded, scrambling back to the couch. The clients could not be permitted to see him in such a disarrayed manner. He tore the cat puppet from Haruhi's hand and shoved it between the cushions. She could fetch the creepy thing later.

By the time the automated gust of wind activated they were ready.

"Welcome, ladies, to the Ouran High School Host Club."

"H-host club," Wendy squeaked, her cheeks heating. Surely Mira wouldn't have sent her—a young, impressionable, innocent girl—to one of those places. Charle would have an aneurysm. As it was, the cat was fairly shocked. She stopped flying and settled on her dragonslayer's shoulder.

Erza didn't seem as perturbed by the host factor. "Where was it you said we were?"

The seven boys arranged across from them didn't appear to hear her.

"I don't think they're our usual clients," one of the redheads whispered.

"Maybe they're new," continued the other.

"Or they're lost," the short, dark haired, high-pitched one muttered. "What do you think, Kyoya?"

"Well," another dark haired boy said, adjusting his glasses, "they certainly don't appear to be Ouran students, and their clothing is rather interesting. What do you propose we do, your highness?" he added slightly mockingly.

One of the two blond boys stood and placed his hand on his forehead in a dramatic movement. Cana had to hold back a giggle. This entire place seemed ridiculous. There were too many flowers, too much pink, and not enough alcohol. She debated leaving the other girls and going back to the guild but decided against it. Wendy looked like she could use the presence of someone sane and calm (Levy and Lucy were too stunned do anything more than gape at the hosts and Erza was… Erza) and this little group of boys and their antics might prove to be entertaining. Her expectations of her father's reaction when she told him she had gone to a host club made the experience worth it. And you never know, they might just serve some alcoholic beverages.

"These poor women must be lost," the boy began, "wandering in this bustling school that is not familiar to them. It has the potential for such tragedy! But luckily they stumbled across these charming noblemen who are eager to do anything to help the beautiful damsels. And I, their fair, reigning monarch, declare that you beautiful ladies will be taken care of. It is the least we can do. So please, come in and allow yourselves to be hosted.

No one moved.

Cana was the first to step forward, rolling her eyes. The other girls followed, Levy and Lucy stumbling after her and Erza marching forward with her usual character. Only Wendy remained frozen in the doorway, questioning her place. She watched the girls sit at one of the many tables. The dark haired boy with the glasses—Kyoya—was talking to them, introducing each of the hosts. Throughout the speech Lucy kept glancing toward her and making a waving motion. She seemed to trust these boys. Maybe Wendy should too.

She walked cautiously toward the group, hesitating slightly before taking the seat between Lucy and Cana. Introductions were over by then and food orders were being taken.

"And what beverage would you like to consume with your meal?" Kyoya asked, scribbling in his black notebook. Wendy realised it had been open since they had first entered the room and he was constantly writing in it. She wondered what interesting things it could possibly contain.

Most of the girls took what was offered—water, milkshakes, smoothes—but Cana had to be classy and ask, "You got any beer?"

"No," Kyoya responded, taking the uncivilised request in stride, "but we do have quite the selection of international award winning teas if milady would like to drink something refreshing."

Cana didn't even hear half of what he had to say, She slammed her hands on the table and stood, angrily declaring, "Tea is for pussies," before storming out of the room. She hoped some other kid around this place had an alcohol stash somewhere. Her small supply had run dry and she needed something stiff to drink if she was going to deal with stuck up pricks.

Haruhi sighed and buried her face deeper into the textbook, trying to concentrate. But that was an impossible with Tamaki running after the tall brunette, begging the 'damsel' to come back. Her senpai was so dense sometimes.

She gave up on her studying for the moment and walked over to the table where the blonde girl (Haruhi hadn't listened and studied through the introductions and didn't know their names) was apologising for her friend's behaviour.

"I'm so sorry," she gushed. "She didn't mean to be so rude. It's just that—"

Honey interrupted, as he often did, by coming up with something barely related to the conversation that made you think he was nowhere near his true age.

"Hey, Wendy~chan," he said, trotting over to the youngest girl. "Usa~chan and your cat should be best friends! They can play together, and eat cake, and—"

"Excuse me," the cat said. All the hosts stared at it, questioning their ears. Surely it hadn't just talked.

"Charle," Wendy warned, "don't say anything mean."

"But why would I possible want to associate myself with a stuffed rabbit?" she continued haughtily. Wings appeared at her back and she hovered above the table. "That repulsive thing isn't even alive."

Honey was the first to recover from the shock. "How dare you insult Usa~chan like that. You're a horrible cat! Don't listen to her, Usa~chan," he whispered to the rabbit, covering its ears. "She doesn't know you like I do."

"The opinion of a little boy really doesn't bother me," she replied, lowering herself to the table. "And for your information, I am not a filthy cat. I am an Exceed. We are a far superior race."

It was at this point a lonely Tamaki re-entered the scene. Haruhi became aware of his presence when he began shouting.

"It's Belzeneff!" he screamed. "Belzeneff has come to life!" Tamaki tried to hit the poor creature as he overreacted. Wendy was trying to stop him, but to little avail, and the Exceed was trying hard to stay out of his reach.

Haruhi didn't want to deal with the craziness of it. She turned, announcing, "I'm going to study in the library."

Kyoya nodded, granting permission. Haruhi glanced at the clock. There was still a good hour before the host club officially opened for business, plenty of time to study.

"Did you say library?"

Or maybe not.

Haruhi turned to the girl with the short blue hair. "Yes. Ouran has three, each dedicated to different areas of study. They're all quite extensive."

The girl's face lit up. "Can I go with you? I really would love to see them." She turned to her red haired friend who nodded.

"Enjoy yourself, Levy. I'm sure Haruhi will look after you. Just don't be too long."

Levy squealed. "Thanks, Erza! And I won't be idle. I'll see if I can find a way to Brago from here." She ran to the door, almost beating Haruhi to the hallway.

"So where are we going first?" she asked eagerly. Haruhi quietly hoped she'd calm down. She just wanted to study; it was all she'd ever asked for.

Lucy turned away from the door as it closed behind her beloved bookworm friend and sat in awkward silence with Wendy, watching the hosts go about their business. They were setting up for some extravagant event that required the use of palm trees and fairy lights. She thought the boys reminded her of some people, but couldn't remember whom. It was Tamaki that jogged her memory. He was sitting in front of Erza, talking about one thing or another and not helping his fellow hosts set up.

"You know," he said, taking her hand. "Your beauty is amazing. It reminds me of elegant red roses. Your scent is quite lovely, too. What is it, may I ask?"

Scent.

Perfume.

Men.

Ichiya.

Lucy shuddered at the thought of the creepy old man. But the personalities of these hosts did resemble the demeanour of Ichiya and his Tri-Mens. Maybe…

"Are you from Blue Pegasus?" she asked.

"Are we from where?"

"Blue Pegasus. The wizards' guild."

"Wizards?" One of the twins laughed. "Lady, there's no such thing as wizards or magic."

"Where we come from there is," Wendy said. "We're wizards ourselves.

"Oh yeah?" the other twin said, crossing his arms. "Prove it."

The three girls shared a look and Charle huffed. She thought the sight of an Exceed would be enough to convince them. Evidently not.

Erza stood and reached out an arm. Her hand glowed as her favourite sword appeared. Tamaki started freaking out, saying things about how magic was dark and only had the ability to curse things. Honey was bouncing on Mori's shoulders, begging Erza to make something else appear. The Hitachiins crept closer, exclaiming about how cool this ability seemed to be. Kyoya's reaction was the most sane, but also the strangest.

"Where is it exactly you are from?" he asked calmly, adjusting his glasses yet again.

"Fairy Tail," was Erza's response.

"Fiore," Lucy added. If they didn't know what magic was it was doubtful they had heard of the infamous guild.

"I can't say I've heard of that town before. Have you, Tama—" Kyoya saw his incoherent friend cowering in the corner. "Never mind."

"Do you know where Brago is?" Wendy asked. Maybe he could give them directions and they could get out of this strange place.

"Brago?" I don't think that even exists." The twins flopped into chairs across the table. "Not in Japan anyway."

"Japan?" Lucy frowned. She had read that name in a few of her books. As far as she knew it was a fictional world from a parallel universe. "How—"

"I do not believe this location issue matters," Erza said. "It is quite evident that we're not in Fiore anymore." Her blade had disappeared and her eyes were slightly glazed over. She only looked that way when…

"Strawberry cake is all that matters."

Lucy brought her palm to her face as Erza almost ran to the table in the corner, where a range of delectable desserts was on display. Of course Erza's only vice had to be here.

"Hey! They're my cakes," Honey said chasing after her. "Ask before you take any. Usa~chan and I would be happy to share if you did."

Silence filled the room again. Well, not completely. Erza and Honey were chatting happily as they munched on cake, and Tamaki was still having a meltdown in his corner. Lucy tapped her fingers on the table and Wendy fiddled with the fraying hem of Charle's dress.

"I'm bored," one of the twins groaned. "We should play a game."

"We should play which one is Hikaru!" the other exclaimed. Lucy could barely tell the two apart in casual conversation and she hadn't known them long enough to tell them apart by their hair, which she was sure the mischievous boys changed often. How was she supposed to play such a guessing game? And how could she be sure they wouldn't lie?

The boys pulled green hats from their pockets and spun around, a glittering substance appeared in the air around them to provide a dramatic flare. By the time they completed their turn the hats were pulled low over their hair, covering the part. Lucy decided very quickly that she didn't like this game. She wondered if this was how Natsu had felt in Edolas when—

Lucy stood and pulled out one of her golden zodiac keys. She wanted to play a different game.

Everyone watched her curiously as she summoned the spirit. The process didn't take long and the bored spirits were very eager to be summoned. Sensing her intentions, Gemi and Mini appeared in their Lucy double. They were an exact copy of the one standing in the room.

"If we're going to play your game," the Lucys said in unison, "then we can play our game, too." They turned to Wendy and, with a flare just as dramatic as the Hitachiins, asked, "Which one is the real Lucy?"

"Um… Um…" Wendy didn't like having this many eyes on her. It was hard to think under such pressure. What if she got it wrong? Lucy would hate her.

"No, it's my piece." Honey's sudden words sounded vicious, but that was lost on Wendy as she sighed in relief, glad for the distraction.

"Why?" Erza demanded, slamming her fists on the table. The glass cutlery resonated with the force. "I am the guest, I should get the cake."

"But it's my cake. Usa~chan and I get it. Right, Takashi?"

"Hm."

Wendy flinched as the small silver fork snapped in Erza's hand.

"What a rude little boy," Erza muttered under her breath.

"Erza…" Lucy warned. Things were about to get bad.

"If you do not give me my strawberry cake you may not live to regret the decision."

"It's my cake!" Honey reached across the table and stole the plate, as fast as a striking snake. The entire slice disappeared before Erza could stop him.

"You little pig." She stood and requipped into her Heaven's Wheel armour. An endless amount of swords began to assemble, hovering in the air above her head, threatening her small opponent. "You will pay for that."

"Erza don't!" Lucy shouted. Gemini had disappeared, the game forgotten. "He's just a kid. And it was only a piece of cake."

Erza raised her arms. "It wasn't just cake. It was the last piece of my strawberry cake!" She swung her arms forward. "Circle sword!"

The sword flew with incredible speed, you could only see the blur of movement. The sheer number obscured Honey from view. No one in the room could see him. Wendy was sure he was pinned to the floor, bleeding. Maybe dead.

The room settled and the mysterious dust cleared and it became apparent the fight would not have such a simple ending. There was not a single drop of red ink on the carpet, no severed digits were haphazardly strewn about. There was no sign of the little boy with the pink rabbit.

Until he giggled and dropped from the sky.

He landed on Erza shoulders, wrapping his arms around her neck.

"It was my cake," he hissed, tightening his hold.

"No," Erza gasped, struggling. "It. Was. Mine." She threw him off and requipped into lighter armour. Another sword appeared in her hand as Honey landed on his feet. She ran at him, slashing. Wendy had never seen anyone move so fast. But Honey was faster. He easily dodged her attacks, although he never landed any of his own. Neither Wendy nor Lucy had ever thought such a small boy would give Erza a run for her money. No one in the guild would believe this.

Speaking of guild members, Cana and Levy returned them. Haruhi wasn't far behind. The brunette was clearly intoxicated and leaning heavily on the short girl. Levy was struggling with the burden. Lucy would have run to help her but that required crossing the warzone and she valued her life.

"What is going on here?" Haruhi asked before being promptly pushed to the ground by Levy. A needle thin blade flew through the space she had previously been occupying. Honey had acquired some weapons.

"Haruhi?" The sound of her voice had apparently brought the sulking Tamaki back to life. "Are you okay? Did you get a scratch? Does Daddy need to kiss it better?"

"Go away," Haruhi grumbled, pushing Tamaki to the side. Lucy was surprised he had managed to get to her without being touched by the battling warriors. Who had just broken a table.

"What's happening," she asked again as there was another loud crash. That was the piano.

"The fight of the century," Tamaki declared. He pulled a megaphone from his jacket. "Our own master Honey is fighting the dashing stranger from a fictional land. It is a tight battle; no clear victor can be seen. Who will be triumphant in this perilous dance? Only time will tell. So come, be a spectator of this gruelling duel. You won't be disappointed!"

The guild members quickly began discussing who would be the one to break up the battle before more people arrived. They know the type of collateral damage this duel was likely to produce and hoped they could put an end to it soon.

Mirajane leant back in her chair, clutching her stomach as she burst with laughter. Her eyes went back to the looking lacryma as she wiped tears from her eyes. That Kyoya boy had been right, handing out misdirections and observing the results was certainly entertaining. She had to do this more often.

"What's so funny?"

Mira quickly shoved the lacryma out of sight and put on her poker face as Natsu leant against the bar. "Nothing. I just thought of something."

"Oh, okay…" The pink haired boy looked down at the wood, scratching at a dark spec. Mira wanted him to go away so she could watch the rest of the fight. And see if Erza would lose.

"Have you seen Lucy?" Natsu eventually asked. "Or any of the other girls? I want to tell them about this mission Happy and I just saw."

Mira had to fight hard to stop her mouth from twitching into a smirk. "They've gone to that spa for the week, remember."

He looked slightly disappointed. "Yeah… Where was it again?"

Mira made a big show of sighing and rolling her eyes as she wrote out the directions. "Here."

"Thanks!" Natsu snatched the paper from her fingers and ran out of the guild, shouting, "Gray! Happy!"

Mira snicked as the doors closed. I'm a genius, she thought to herself as she refocused the signal of the lacryma. Things were about to get even more interesting for the host boys.

The End

If you're still here, I thank you for reading.

I think I've left the status of this story as incomplete. That's because I'll probably end up writing one more part. Probably. Because the plot bunnies love attacking me. But I don't mind so much because I love writing, this was especially fun to write. Soooooooo, next I'm probably working on the next chapter of Valentine or planning the next part of this XD

Thank you for reading. I appreciate the time you spent here, possibly absorbed in the product of my brain. My brain is one crazy place. It scares me sometimes.

I love it.

(One last thing. "Tea is for pussies" has to be my favourite line I have ever written. Ever. I don't think anyone understands how much I love that line, which came to me randomly one night. I don't even remember how. And I love tea, by the way. I have a cuppa every night. I believe I have an addiction :D)