Beyond Reality
By: CharmedCSI
Disclaimer: Don't own, Don't want to, just borrowing them will return them as I found them. Promise!
Summery: Yeah right.
Side Note: Okay, this is a redone and updated version of another story I wrote last April. I changed quite a few things, added some and took some stuff out. I found that I needed to continue the story. This is Grissom dealing with a horrible event. So its totally Grissom POV. To me its all around a better story. So go on read and review...and as always Enjoy!
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Chapter 1
Dealing with Unfleging Demons
Life seems to deal you the wrong cards, or the cards that seem to be meant for others, something that is hard to accept can be interpreted as a dream and not reality. Until you wake up and realize that its not a dream nor is it a reality. Its something in between, maybe a chance to make something in your life different. To change the outcome of some horrible event, in essence a second chance.
She wasn't suppose to die, she wasn't suppose to hurt, the pain she felt, and the demons she fought were of my own making. She cried out for me but I ignored her and now she's gone. I never listen when she needed me too, I didn't even see her pain. I was shocked for the first time in my life. I stood there seeing her body and her blood, this can't be real I thought. I didn't even call for help, I just stood there, what kind of help was there? She was gone and here I stand with the people who loved her as family, but yet I feel alone. I never relinquished my feelings for her, I instead kept them bottled up inside, never wanting to tell her what she wanted to hear, what she needed to hear, and for that she'll never know how I really felt about her. Her presents is still around me, although I can't see her, I only see the casket, wood grain, flowers that lay on top of it. I watch as they lower her into the ground, and then suddenly I'm struck with the terrible events of that night.
***
Bending down to examine the body, I take out a pair of latex gloves. I had just told Catherine to help Brass question the potential suspects. So, I was alone to examine the body of the girl. She had been rapped then murdered. I was glad that I had given Sara the night off. She was showing the early signs of burn out and I really didn't need her at this particular scene. The cases of the recent past had taken their toll on her, and I need my best CSI to be in tuned to what was going on.
I start to reach for a piece of evidence that was on the victim when my phone rang. I take it out and look at it. Its Sara. I sigh knowing exactly what she was wanting.
"Grissom"
"Griss, please help me, I can't do this!" cries Sara on the other end of the phone
"Can't do what?" I ask, I was starting to get concerned, she was crying, and her voice wasn't normal.
"Griss, you've got to help me"
"Sara, what?" I ask almost pleading. I stand up, she had my attention.
"I can't do this, I'm sorry"
Then the phone went dead..........
***
"Norman pushed" I take a picture of each dummy as Nick a few stories up drops them one by one.
"Norman falls"
"Norman jumps"
"Won't you if you were Mrs. Roper?" the voice comes from behind me, I know it.
"I don't even have to turn around, Sara Sidle" I say as I turn around anyway.
"Its me" she exclaims, I take one look at her and again I'm taken back, she is more beautiful then I remembered.
"You know you don't have to drop simulation dummies, there are better ways of doing it" her attitude of modern ways hadn't left her.
"Computers, I'm a scientist, I like to see, Newton dropped the apple, I drop dummies"
"Your old school"
"Anyways, he was pushed"
"How's the girl?" she asks, just like I remembered her, always staying on the job at hand.
"She's not doing good"
"That's too bad"
"Oh, Sara I have so many unanswered whys"
"The only why, that matters now, is why did Warrick Brown leave that scene?"
***
"Hey" came the most familiar voice I knew from the doorway, I look up and see her leaning against the doorframe.
"Did you find anything out about Warrick?" I ask, I was focused on the case and the impending situation with Warrick that I didn't notice the look on her face.
"No, uh, I'm here for another reason" she pauses, I nod telling her to continue.
"You know how you say we're the victim's last voice?"
"Yes" I was starting to wonder where she was taking this
"I thought it was our job to speak for Kay Shelton?" her voice was a bit shaky, I knew that this case was bothering her, the blow-up at Scott Shelton's apartment, and the fact that she slept in the break room of CSI, she wasn't the strong willed Sara that I had come to know.
"You don't crunch evidence to fit a theory" I offer up the best advise I could
"What if you hear the victims screams, in the car, at the store..." I notice how she looks up in order not to cry in front of me.
"You have empathy for her Sara, you want someone to pay for what was done to her, that's admirable"
"You want to sleep with me?" this question hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn't understand what this had to do with what she was talking about.
"Did you just say what I think you said?"
"So when I wake up in a cold sweat under the blankets, from hearing Kay's screams. You can tell me its nothing, just empathy" she lingers for a second before dropping her head and leaving. I realized she had just dropped a key clue in my lap, I got up to go and look at Kay's blanket.
***
The grave marker is all that is left for me to see. Her name written upon it. I stand there staring at the gray rock, not a tear, I haven't been able to cry. My world seemed to have stopped that moment the gun went off. The memory of that night keeps replaying in my mind, I can't shut my eyes. I hear the phone, her voice, the pain, and then the terrifying sound. And then I see the grave marker with her name. The pictures never seem to fade. I can't face my life, I continue find myself standing in the same place with my mind replaying the many memories of her.
***
"Are you alright?" she came out and stood in front of me. It was like she sensed something and followed me. The case had been difficult for me, I knew that apartment manager was hiding the body but I wasn't able to prove it.
"95"
"Excuse me?"
"My pulse is normally 70, when it reaches 95 I realize how mad I am"
"Your being too hard on yourself" she was right. I was, but it was my nature, especially on cases I couldn't figure out.
"No, I'm not mad at myself, I've got 10 people in there working around the clock, and that guy knows were the body is"
I watched as her expression went from one of worry to one of amusement. Her smile was enough to make me see the real reason I was mad.
"What's your pulse now?"
I realized then that I had taken my frustrations about the case out on her.
"You want to take a walk around the block?"
The question took me by surprise
"No, I'm fine" truth be told I wasn't fine, and I could've used a walk.
"Help, clear your head"
"No" she was right it would've, but I was taken by her question and the look in her eyes, and I knew I couldn't just go walking with Sara.
"Okay"
Suddenly, she reached up and put her hand on my face. The soft touch took me by surprise, I looked up and saw that she wasn't surprised by the move.
"Chalk, from the plaster"
"Oh" I brush the same place on my cheek with the back of my hand, I didn't see any chalk as I look down at my hand. I look up at her, the glow in her eyes is unmistakable.
"Better go wash up" she smiles and leaves. I stand there contemplating what had just happened, then make a mental note to ask her about it later.
***
"What's this?" I ask holding the paper up in front of me.
"A leave of absence request, for 6 months maybe a year" she's says as casually as she could walking into my office
"Why?" I was a bit confused by this sudden development
"I was thinking of checking out the federal government system, FBI" she strugges her shoulders and I see tears start forming in her eyes.
"We have the best lab in the country"
"I need a different work environment, one with more communication and respect"
"Everyone here respects you" I said this knowing it wasn't totally true
"You don't"
"Is this about that hamburger thing?"
"No, this isn't about the hamburger thing, I don't believe you, how can you take everything I've said down to a single quark, you think is just about me, if you don't sign my request, I'll have to quit" she turns and walks toward the door. I try to absorb everything she had just said.
"Sara, the lab needs you" I lied, the lab didn't need her as much as I did.
"Great" she turns gives me a fake smile then leaves. I sit there staring at the request, with my mind replaying the recent event trying to figure out what had just happened
***
The rain started to fall, but I stood there, I dared not move, for reasons I didn't know. This wasn't real, she couldn't really be gone. Her locker still had her pictures in it. Her silver field kit was still in the Denali, the one she drove. There was cases to be solved, evidence to be processed, this wasn't real, she wasn't really dead. It was all just a dream. Somehow I would wake up and find that she was still alive and I would be able to tell her all the things I should've of. To be the person she always wanted me to be. But it was a miss opportunity, like many before, I missed my chance, and would never get it back, she will never know how I really felt about her.
***
...I race for the Denali, not even hearing Brass and Catherine yelling from behind me. I had to get to her. She was scaring me for the first time, I had no control over the situation. I dialed her number, no answer, why wasn't she picking up? I needed to hear her voice, I needed to help her, but she won't pick up the phone. I keep trying. Finally, she picks up the phone. She is still crying.
"Sara, what's wrong?" I ask I have to get her to tell me what her problem is.
"Nothing, why would anything be wrong, I mean after all I'm strong willed Sara" her condescending attitude creeps into her voice.
"Sara, please tell me, I care about you"
"No you don't, Grissom, you care about the lab...I mean after all the lab needs me right?"
"Please Sara, don't do this"
"Do what?"
"Sara, just tell me what is wrong?"
"Why do you care suddenly? Afraid to lose a CSI? Can't have that can we Gil Grissom?"
For the first time I'm unable to crack her, to figure out what is going on. I try to find something to say but am unable to. Silence had fallen suddenly, I could hear her breathing on the other end..then what seemed like an eternity of silence was broken.
"Thought so" came Sara in a low voice before the line goes dead again....
***
"Two minutes for elbowing, four minutes for high sticking, ten minutes for unsportman like conduct"
"Boys will be boys"
"Yeah, looks like these boys went to a fight and a hockey game broke out"
"You just don't like sports"
"That's not true, I've been a baseball fan my whole life"
"Baseball, that figures, all those stats"
"Its a beautiful game"
"Since when are you interested in beauty?"
"Since I met you"
***
"Life will never be the same without her" came Nick's voice from behind me. I had been so wrapped up in my memories of Sara, that I didn't notice that it was still raining and I had been standing in the same spot for over an hour.
"I know" I reply turning my body to see Nick's face.
"Its alright to cry Gris" says Nick, I notice his own tear stained face.
"I know" I reply again, I wanted him to go away, I needed more time to be with her, in hopes maybe she would appear alive, and all this would be some sort of nightmare.
"Its not your fault" he says breaking the silence that had fallen between us.
"It is" I look him in the eyes, then turn and walk toward the Denali. I pass Warrick and Catherine who are walking toward her grave, I don't even look at them as I pass, I just continue, I need space, and I need time....alone.
I climb into the vehicle and place the key in the ignition, but I don't start the engine. I just sit there and watch as the rain hits the windshield. Drop by drop the water seems to consume the entire windshield, like the memories of Sara consume my mind. Never in my life had I ever thought so much about one person, not even when my mother died. But Sara was different, I held her in a different place than the others, she was special, she understood me better than anyone else. I didn't trust many people in my life but Sara was someone I could trust, and I knew that from the moment I met her.......
***
I laid my brief case down on the table in front the auditorium. I started to pick up the papers and place them into the brief case, when something moved in the corner of my eye, I turn and see a tall brunette standing off to the side. She was looking at the pictures of a crime scene that I had brought as part of my lecture.
"Crime Scene photo's " I say
"I know, actually, its a photo of a dead body" she says smiling handing the photo's back to me
"I guess your right" I say taking the photo's and placing them in the brief case
"I liked your lecture, Mr. Grissom"
"Its Gil" I say looking up at her
"Sorry, uh, I'm Sara Sidle" I didn't ask for her name, but I was glad to know who I was talking too.
"You have an interest in forensics?" I ask
"Sorta, I'm a senior, majoring in Theological Physics, I was hoping to find something I could use my degree for"
"Well, Miss Sidle...."
"Sara, please" she interrupts me
"Okay, Sara, you can't be just "sorta" interested in forensics, you have to be dedicated and know that's what you want to do, or you'll never make it in the field"
"I know, but this is my first lecture, I came with a friend, but it has perked my interest though"
"I see, well, maybe you will attend my next lecture"
"I will" she says before walking down the steps off the stage and out the door. I watch her, and make a mental note, to look for her at my next lecture, I could tell she had a lot of potential.
***
Somehow I drove to her apartment. I wasn't sure how, it was as if the Denali drove right to where I wanted to go. I got out and started up the walkway. This was the first time I had been to her apartment since she died. I take the key out and unlock the door. I walk in, everything is still the way she left it. I walk over to the couch and sit down and lay my head back. My eye's slowly close, and the images of Sara race past, everything about her, her hair, her eyes, her voice, the way she walked, the way her scent would grab me, everything about her seem to be right in front of me. But I couldn't grab hold of the images as they flashed by, then the memory of that night came flooding back again, and again I was stuck with the pain of all my actions undone. I could feel her, I could hear her, but somehow I couldn't get to her. I needed to find a way to open the door, to help her, to hold her. To protect her from her own demons that had plagued her for so long.
But I was hindered, stopped, prevented from making any kind of move toward her. And now I have to deal with the outcome of everything......her demons have suddenly become mine.
TBC