Pride
She doesn't notice it, but I'm watching her. From across the table in the public library in which we are studying in, I can see her eyebrows scrunch together in concentration. She starts to mouth the words she's trying to translate. From where I am, I can read her work upside-down.
In a whisper, I say, "I love you."
She face turns trademark pink and her eyes meet mine in surprise. "Eh?" Her voice is a little too loud and earns her glares from the other people around us.
"The sentence, on your paper - it means 'I love you'," I explain, with a small smile.
Her cheeks become a shade darker. "I'm not good at English."
Telling her that she's wrong would be a lie, so I choose to point out one of her strong points instead. "Maybe not, but you're amazing at Japanese."
And it works. She breaks into a smile and quietly giggles. "Thanks, Tadase."
We continue working in a comfortable silence for another half hour.
Then, out of the blue, she asks, "Do you think Ikuto would be good at English now?"
My pen stops moving as I place it down momentarily.
It's not an invalid question. Ikuto has been too many English-speaking countries now, pursuing his career in music. "Maybe. He's been travelling across the rest of Europe too so he probably picked up a few words from other languages too."
"That's true. He sent me a text once with some words that I just couldn't understand - I'm not really sure what language it was in," she says, shaking her head. "I thought it could be have been German."
As she smiles fondly at the memory I begin to feel a slight twinge in my chest. I know what I'm feeling and I'm ashamed of it. There's no reason to feel this way - Amu and I have been dating for about six months now.
After regularly taking her out, just the two of us, and my everyday reminders of how I loved her, I had finally built up the courage to ask her to properly go out for me. I had expected the worse but she had said yes. It was just the best feeling - after all my efforts, she finally felt the same way as me.
Sometimes though, I can't help but worry if she regrets it. It must be showing on my face this time because Amu says, "I don't talk Ikuto a lot these days. He tries to call at weird times and I tell him that I'm just about to go on a date with you."
She has gotten a little better at reading people and trying to encourage her, and I appreciate her for it.
We walk out of the library, just before it starts getting dark. Autumn has come and brings the cool wind along with it.
I find that I don't mind so much, as Amu gives me a sincere smile while telling me all about the progress she's made.
I take her hand.
It's warm.
xxxxx
"Tadase! Is it true? Is he really coming back to Japan - for good?"
Amu is talking about Ikuto, of course. Who else could it be? I smile and nod, because yes, it's true, and I'm just as excited as she is.
She breaks into a grin and exchanges looks with her guardian characters. "I can't wait for him to come back!"
I can't wait either. I look forward to the prospect of my 'brother' coming back. My 'brother' who I am finally on good terms with.
Only, as time passes, I start to feel like I don't want him to return anymore.
It begins when Amu cancels a date with me. I tell her it's alright, even though I had booked us dinner that night. I ask her what came up and she tells me.
"Since Ikuto's coming back, Utau wants me to help her get me a home-welcoming gift. I think I might want to get him one too." It's not what I want to hear. "Do you want to go ,too?"
"It's fine, I have work I've got to catch up with." It's all the work I had put on hold to spend time with her on weekends, but I don't tell her that. "Have fun."
The time period in the middle of waiting consists of small things. Things so small that an ordinary person would not notice, but I do. Because it's Amu.
She starts drifting. I can see her expression. We're studying together again, and at one point she stops writing and with her hand cupping her chin she gazes out the window. Her eyes have a distant look and her mind is in even more distant places.
The distance that separates her and Ikuto.
It's only a matter of time before Amu starts calling him. Point being that she calls him, not the other way around.
"Geez. Stop teasing me! I'm not a kid anymore, okay?" I pretend to be texting on my own phone, as we both walk home from school. "S-shut up!" I glance at her. Her face is a brilliant red and her tone is one of annoyance, but her smile is wide and her eyes shine brightly.
It's almost blinding.
"Tadase's here with me." She looks at me and asks if I want to talk to Ikuto.
"It's alright," I decline.
She shrugs and puts the phone back to her ear. A second later she's yelling again. "Idiot! I am not."
I think I told her a lie. It is not 'alright'. Not anymore.
Even though I'm here, while Ikuto is miles away, it feels like I'm the one who she can never see. And maybe it's true. Her every thought right now is about him. About the idea of him coming back. It's all that is in her heart right now. I might as well be invisible.
Once she gets off her phone she's smiling, cheerfully oblivious.
But she takes my hand.
It's still warm.
xxxxx
Two weeks. There are only two weeks left until Ikuto arrives in Tokyo.
Amu's anticipation has almost reached its breaking point. She counts down the days until he arrives. She just can't stay still.
So I take her out. We're in the park, the one where I made her that promise, a few years ago, the one where I promised to tell her 'I love you' every day.
Autumn has been over for a long time now, and today it is snowing. We sit down on a bench in a secluded area of the park and Amu watches the snow fall in wonder. She is wearing a thick white coat with a fluffy hat, however her nose has still turned pink from the cold. She looks so cute. It makes it harder to do this.
"Amu-chan, Ikuto-nii-san will be back soon."
Immediately her eyes light up. "I know! It's only two weeks more but it feels like it's forever away."
"You really miss him," I state simply. Yet it completely affects her. She flushes and splutters denials. I expected nothing less, and continue with my resolve. "I think out of all of us, you miss him the most."
"O-of course not. Utau misses him loads." She is still flustered, though there's a slight look of concern directed at me.
"Not as much as you do." I chuckle, even though I don't find this funny. It sounds hollow. She has stopped waving around and is staring at me. I'm about to say something I'll probably regret.
But I say it anyway, because I have to.
"You really do love him."
There's a second of silence.
"What? Why would you say that?" She says it slowly; because why would I say that? It doesn't make sense, after all, to set up my own downfall. "I'm with you, Tadase."
"Yes, but you don't love me." Amu looks as if I've stabbed her, but it's the truth and honestly I feel like I've just stabbed myself.
"I do." Her pink eyes try to gaze into mine but I am not convinced.
"That's the first I've heard of it." I don't mean to sound bitter but that's also true. We both know she's never once told me she loves me.
"It's because it's embarrassing," she says weakly. She's not convinced either.
"Embarrassing," I repeat. I pierce her with a look that she has the grace to look down from.
"Then you should be able to tell me this, at least: that you don't love Ikuto." Because she hasn't denied it yet. Selfish, whispers a voice in my mind. You're being selfish.
I don't care.
"I d-don't -"
I cut her off. "I just want your honest answer." It's really all I want, right now.
It's as if time stops. Neither of us move and neither of us makes a sound. She stares at me and I stare back. I see her hesitancy and cling onto it.
I'm hopeful. Hopeful that all of this has been my imagination, that it is just some story that my jealousy has created. Hopeful that Amu gives me a re-assuring smile.
And her smile tells me that after thinking about it. After really thinking about it, she realises that she might have loved Ikuto before, but not now.
That's what I'm hopeful for.
But moments later, I am still standing here and there is no smile.
"I can't say it." And time resumes; the silence shatters to reveal reality. "If you want my honest answer," she says slowly, quietly, not even looking at me, as if she's scared I might break, "then I can't say it."
I think something in me does break, after all.
I am wrapped in warm clothing but my insides still freeze. Even while I expect the worse, it doesn't hurt any less.
But at least I know what I have to do.
"Then I guess this is the end."
Her head snaps back up. "The end?"
"Of this," I say. I gesture to her and to me when she doesn't reply. "Of us."
It's now that her eyes widen in shock. "What do you mean?"
I suppose it is too sudden, too much to take in for her, but the message needs to get through. "We're breaking up." The words are loud and clear.
"Why?" she exclaims, looking lost.
I smile at her in pity. "I can't be with someone who doesn't love me."
"But Tadase I -"
"- 'love you too'?" I finish her sentence for her, letting it sink in. Letting her realise how that sounds like to me. "'I love Ikuto more, but I love you too, Tadase and I still want to be together.' Is that what you were going to say?"
I'm only trying to get it all in the open, but it sounds like I'm mocking her. Maybe it's better that way.
"I don't know what to say, anymore." She's trembling.
"Then I'll speak. I think you might be confused and conflicted, but this is for the best. If you have feelings for Ikuto, being together with me will restrain you when he comes back." I can see small tears forming at the corner of her eyes, but I continue. "More importantly...I still have my pride. If I can't have first place in your heart, I'd rather not be there at all."
And I say that, head held high. There is no more hesitation. If I hesitate, then so will she.
I promised myself I wouldn't make her cry, but she is crying now. She wipes the tears hastily though, and nods.
"I understand..." I somehow doubt her. But she'll understand in time. Amu is strong in that sense.
She attempts to smile. "I hope you can find a girl who can love you fully."
"I do to." The smile comes easier for me than it does for her.
The silence that settles once again is not too painful. Her guardian characters watch us sadly. Kiseki however has settled on my shoulder. He approves. Kings, after all should never settle for second best. I've saved my dignity. Better to end the charade here than to suffer humiliation later. He is proud of me. I understand this all without speaking, because at this moment I'm closer to him than I've ever felt.
Our friends will question why we are avoiding each other, because avoiding each other is inevitable. We might become friends again, but that will take time.
Even after knowing all this, I offer to walk her home. She accepts, of course; it has become dark by now and the cold is creeping in on us.
We don't hold hands.
There is no more of that warmth left for us to share.
A/N: Well. That was probably angstier than I had been intending to make it. I actually wrote this in February, last year but for some reason never posted it. Hmm. I remembered it after I was going through the Tadamu tag on tumblr and brooding over how my ship basically sunk in the manga, haha.
This idea came about because I think at the time there had been many fics popping up where Tadase was rejected or broken up with or just looking on unrequitedly and I thought if anyone was going to end things it would have been Tadase. I think Amu would have been too undecisive to really pick, which is why Peach-Pit did leave the ending technically open (but c'mon, it leant so heavily towards Amuto, who are we kidding?). At least I'll always have end-game Tadamu in the anime.
Besides that, Tadase's a pri – King so he's gotta stand up for himself, and I think after a while he would. I can't remember exactly why I chose to write in first person, but I hope it wasn't too bad, haha.
As for other technical stuff, if you're wondering around when this would happen it'd be some time after the encore chapter. Possibly first year of high school, maybe earlier, maybe later, you can decide in your head.
Well, hope you enjoyed reading that! Feel free to put this on your favourites and/or review :D
- Dina (9/4/2014)