Time to Put His Cards on the Table
Jack was sitting in his office late at night mulling over Sam's and his argument. Was her personal life really none of his business? Why was she pissed at him when she was the one who decided to confront Brian Donovan with the information she had about him? Shouldn't she rather be mad at this bartender guy who took her legitimate concern as a pretext to turn his back on the woman that was having a baby from him?
She had accused him of not trusting her personal judgment, yet she was the one who mistrusted her own judgment, otherwise she wouldn't have spoken with Brian about the sex with a minor accusation. Hadn't he told her that she made good decisions and that she was a smart girl giving Brian a chance? Jack pondered that Sam was enraged because she had let herself be influenced by him. Yes, he had provided her with Donovan's file and he had told her it was her choice what to do with the background check, but it was her that just couldn't help herself but to investigate the matter. That wasn't his fault! He had advised her to do exactly the opposite of what she would think he would do in the situation.
Jack didn't feel at all apologetic about inspecting Donovan's past. He was being protective of Sam and her baby and worried about their safety. What's more, she was being inconsistent. What exactly did she want anyway? Sam had apparently asked Brian at some point to sign the waiver of parental rights. Then seemingly all of a sudden she had told him that although she hadn't planned to be tied to the kid's dad for the rest of her life she wanted to give him a chance. Was she possibly falling for the guy all over again? For the first time he considered whether it could be that the chap was actually a good guy and innocent of the allegation that was many years ago raised against him?
Why just not admit it? He had always imagined him and her having a family and now she was expecting a child from this guy she obviously barely knew. He was furious and jealous ever since she had told him that she was pregnant, but he had kept that hidden.
How could she let this happen and why did she choose to keep the baby? She once claimed to like things being complicated, but he didn't buy that. Who the hell would prefer messy over easy and simple? He acknowledged to himself that if he couldn't be the biological father, he at least wanted to be the man who helped her raise the kid. That's why he didn't apologize to her and tell her he was sorry how things had turned out with Brian. In fact, he was happy that the other guy had withdrawn so quickly. He did not want to share her but wanted her all for himself. Yup, that was egoistic and he was not ashamed for that. Jack had pictured himself of being there for her and the baby and how she would appreciate his help and get close to him again.
Only now did he realize that he'd only made things worse between them although they had begun to look promising after Anne left him. Jack recalled the moments Sam had not concealed that she cared about him. One evening, she had come into his office and looked worried when she saw him depressed drinking scotch. She had been willing to stay but he had cut her short, rudely rebuffing her. Jack did not want to see him cry; he wanted to be strong in her eyes and not show any signs of weakness. Yet the unadorned truth was that on that evening he had more than ever wanted to take his life. He felt that he had no more power left to fight his inner demons. He saw no ray of light at the end of the tunnel; instead it seemed to be getting darker and darker. In his mind things in his life kept going from bad to worse. He saw no hope and he hadn't any faith left. He felt as if a gigantic rock was on his chest making it impossible for him to breathe. He had opened his mouth but he couldn't summon the strength to fill his lung with air.
He thought that he had to sort things out for himself. Why hadn't he just let her stay with him? Why couldn't he tell her that he needed something that would keep him from committing suicide? Instead he bottled up his worries. He just could not put this on her. He had no right to do this. He felt as if he was drowning and getting crushed by a tidal wave.
He had to move on. He wasn't solely responsible for everything. He hat to keep repeating this to himself like a mantra. There were things he can't undo. The second time he sent her away she had after short consideration resolved not to listen to him and had accompanied him to the hospital. He was glad about that but didn't let her see it. And now he felt like she had slammed a door shut into his face and told him to stay out of her life for good. He was afraid that he had damaged their special bond beyond repair. How stupid was he to delight in the fact that he had apparently managed to get rid of her baby's father when he was on the verge of losing her friendship? Just the idea of that was unfathomable to him.
He grasped what a selfish asshole he had been; thinking only of himself and conniving ways which would make her run back into his arms. All his dreams and schemes had gone terribly wrong. He had wanted to make things right with her child that he had failed to with his own daughters. The hurt in her voice, when she had thrown the waiver on his desk and informed him that Brian did not want anything to do with her and the child, had not gone unnoticed by him. He feared that she would never forgive him the role he played in that.
Who was he to deprive her yet unborn child of its father? The kid would definitely hate him once his mother told him who was to some extent responsible for the fact that it grew up fatherless.
He needed to explain to Sam his ulterior motives, beg her for forgiveness and tell her that he wished he could undo what had happened. He should have come clean a long time ago.
The least he could do was to offer to talk to the guy and try to reason with him; hopefully he'd change his mind. Calling her would be cowardly; he had to see her right now and talk to her face to face, regardless of the fact that it was three in the morning. The only thing he dreaded was that she would still be too angry at him to hear him out.
There were so much between them that was left unsaid and sooner or later it had to erupt to the surface. Sam's question when he would stop using that line as an excuse for screwing over peoples' lives still echoed in his head. This query of hers had actually revealed more than she might have intended. That's what usually happens when people get emotional. It didn't take Jack long to figure out that her anger wasn't just about him interfering in her and Brian's lives it was about things he had done in the past that had hurt her and that were, as he only now realized, still painful for her. Jack resolved it was high time to be totally honest with Sam and express his regrets for everything he'd done wrong. Finally, Jack stood up from his chair and started walking out of his office with a determined look on his face.
TBC