11 Ways to Ruin a Birthday

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Testicular Sound Express and the Masters of the Universe are pulling out all the stops to ensure that Jaylynn's birthday goes well this year. However, Halley's jealousy might just get in the way of that.

1. 11 Ways to Ruin a B-Day Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 4

EPISODE 10

Airdate: March 27, 2016

"11 Ways to Ruin a Birthday"

Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne, Paramore (Hayley Williams, Taylor York) as Themselves

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Dining Room

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express (minus Jaylynn) and the Masters of the Universe (minus Jaylynn) are in attendance as they all chat amongst themselves. Sparky then whistles to get everyone's attention.

SPARKY: Okay, everybody, thank you for coming out today. So, as you all know, Jaylynn's birthday is next week and we haven't planned anything so it's time to get started.

RK: Ah, why can't we just half-ass it like we did last year?

SPARKY: Because we always do that. Jaylynn's one of our best friends and every year, we end up throwing her a lame party. This year's party is going to be different.

BUSTER: Okay, I have a suggestion for Jaylynn's birthday party. A theme, if you will.

SPARKY: Haha, my man Buster's getting us started. What ya got, man?

BUSTER: Miami, Florida.

There is an awkward pause for a few seconds as no one knows what to make of Buster's suggestion.

WADE: Should we just give up now, or deny it until it's too late?

SPARKY: Buster, what does this Miami-themed party have exactly?

BUSTER: Well, you remember that time I went to Miami for mid-winter break?

SPARKY: Yeah. You hated the food, you said none of the teams were championship material, and you cursed out everybody at the airport.

BUSTER: No, the third time I went.

SPARKY: Oh yeah, I do. You said you loved that place. You want to recreate that vacation?

BUSTER: Well, yeah. I think Jaylynn should experience the everlasting beauty of Miami.

RK: I think she has.

BUSTER: Really? I don't know, we've done so much stuff, I lost track.

ANJA: Hey, can we get back to the topic at hand?

SPARKY: Great attitude, Anja. You see, this year is going to be different because we have girls planning the party with us. It's not like every other year where you have this plan for somebody's party but you don't know jack shit because you're just a boy planning a birthday party for girls. You know, come to think of it, that's exactly what happened to my dad that one time when he was a young whippersnapper. He had to plan Grandpappy MacDougal's party but...*chuckles*, you know, Pop Pop didn't have a whole bunch of friends. So at the last minute, he...

Sparky notices that everybody is looking at him with bored expressions.

SPARKY: Oh, now I'm getting off track. Eh, I'll finish the story later. Okay, now all we have to do is assign jobs and then follow up each day because I want none of us slacking off while we're on the job.

RK: Okay. This has been a long time coming, and I've thought long and hard about this. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel bad, but I want to be party planner.

SPARKY: D-do you actually have a reason for that or...do you just want the attention?

RK: You know...I have nothing, I just wanted to see if someone was gonna fight me on that.

SPARKY: Nope. And I'm going to be party planner. However, since this is Jaylynn's party, I think it's necessary to have two party planners. It only makes sense and helps ensure Jaylynn's birthday is great.

RK: Aww, Sparky, I appreciate the offer, but it's okay. I accept my place.

SPARKY: I wasn't talking about you, man, I meant Anja.

ASHLEY: That's actually a really good idea.

GILCANIA: Yeah, I think you two are going to plan something great.

ANJA: Sparky, are you sure about this? I don't know anything about planning a birthday party. But seriously, if it was like a house party or something, I would be all over that.

SPARKY: Ah, don't worry about it, Anja, I trust you. The two of us have to make sure this goes well because...

At that point, Jaylynn opens the door and sees everyone with anxious expressions on their faces.

JAYLYNN: What's going on here?

BUSTER: Who are you? We don't know who you are! STAY AWAY FROM US, SPACEMAN!

WADE: Buster, that's not going to work.

BUSTER: If you've never tried it, you can't be sure.

SPARKY: Hey Jaylynn. We're glad you're here.

JAYLYNN: Are you guys doing something behind my back?

RK: Probably.

HALLEY: Jaylynn, did you get your hair done? That color is beautiful.

JAYLYNN: Halley, I've had red hair for like, five years now.

HALLEY: Yeah, but...when you stand like that, it looks pretty sexy?

Jaylynn sighs and does a facepalm.

JAYLYNN: I appreciate you commenting on my appearance, but you guys don't have to lie. I know you're planning another birthday party and I know you're going to try your best, but it never works out. I'm not even a big fan of my birthday anyway.

ASHLEY: Come on, Jaylynn, you shouldn't think like that.

BUSTER: Yeah, your birthday's going to be wicked this year. How do you feel about Miami?

JAYLYNN: It was decent, I guess.

BUSTER: Then all I need to do is come through and seal the deal.

JAYLYNN: Look, I'm gonna head back home. I forgot why I came here anyway.

Jaylynn walks out of the house and closes the door.

ANJA: How come Jaylynn doesn't like her birthday?

SPARKY: Eh, she just thinks it's another reminder that she's getting old. I remember the last time we talked about it, she started mumbling about false teeth and apple sauce and I was just like, "I don't know what the f*** is going on."

SCENE 2

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is sitting on the couch not doing anything when she hears a knock at the door.

JAYLYNN: It's open.

Anja walks in.

ANJA: What's up? You know, you shouldn't leave your door unlocked like that, a robber could come in here.

JAYLYNN: Burglars, Anja. People who walk into buildings to commit crimes are called burglars.

ANJA: What?

JAYLYNN: Wade taught me that.

ANJA: Whatever. What's going on with you? You haven't been yourself lately.

JAYLYNN: Hey, I've just had a lot of stuff going on. I mean, right now, I'm watching the news.

ANJA: Jaylynn, the TV's not even on.

JAYLYNN: Personally, I think this is an improvement.

ANJA: Look, man, you've always been able to talk to me. I want to know what's bothering you. How come you're not excited about your birthday?

JAYLYNN: How come I'm not excited? Well, for one, I sometimes can't even pick out my own cake. I think I got buttercream cake once. No thanks.

ANJA: Jaylynn...

JAYLYNN: Fine. I haven't really had the best childhood. I mean, my mom's dead, my dad's a loser, and every time my birthday comes around, I think about all those things and I get depressed. I don't even have any good memories of my birthday.

ANJA: You looked really happy last year from the pictures you showed me.

JAYLYNN: I was faking my happiness. I don't know. I don't want to have another bad birthday. Maybe I could just stay at home and imagine what would happen if the roof caved in.

ANJA: No, I'm not allowing that to happen again.

JAYLYNN: It never has, Anja, that's why I'm going to imagine it. I mean, my roof is pretty sturdy as it is but if an earthquake or a hurricane or some shit like that goes down, then it's game over.

ANJA: I mean, your birthday party. You're my best friend and I'm going to make sure you have a great time. And if you're not going to do this for yourself, you could at least do it for me.

Jaylynn starts to gaze into Anja's eyes.

JAYLYNN: I love you.

ANJA: What?

JAYLYNN: Um, I mean...I love your face when you talk because it moves around all funny.

ANJA: Sure, that's exactly what you said.

JAYLYNN: Just to make sure, I do get to choose my own cake this year, right?

Anja has a big smile on her face, which makes Jaylynn smile.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The boys are walking out of a classroom and heading towards their lockers.

RK: Okay, Wade, you and I are on supplies for Jaylynn's party.

WADE: Dude, I know that. I was there when Sparky told us.

RK: I'm just making sure you don't forget. Now, this party has to be so insane, they're going to have to call in the police from other cities. We need food and snacks, those are two different things, don't get those mixed up. Balloons, preferably nine or ten because I don't exactly know how old Jaylynn is turning. Um, candles, streamers, cups, drinks to put inside the cups...you know what? Forget the streamers. I don't even know why we would need them. You know what I mean? It's like when you go to a pizzeria and they ask if you want extra cheese on your pie. How do we even know that for sure, Wade? How do we know?

WADE: I just realized I don't know how old Jaylynn is turning either.

BUSTER: Hey Sparky, you want to just call off the Miami idea? I mean, yesterday I was pretty confident we could do it, but now I'm kinda second-guessing myself.

SPARKY: I don't remember saying yes or no to that. But I think we might have to call off the party altogether.

BUSTER: What? No way! Birthdays are the one time of the year where you can act like an idiot and no one even cares.

SPARKY: I don't know, I guess I'm doubting myself too. What if Jaylynn goes to the party and she has a bad time again? I can't face myself in the mirror knowing I failed.

BUSTER: Boy, you are one hell of a guy. But I still think we should have the party. Jaylynn won't hold it against us and we have the girls to help us. Don't worry, she'll love it.

WADE: We're going to need a banner.

RK: Okay, but let's just make it ourselves. The last time I went to the banner store, there were a bunch of racist and sexist ones and when I asked the owner about it, he just said "It is what it is."

SPARKY: I can only hope Jaylynn comes around but I'm not counting on it.

JAYLYNN: Hey Sparky!

Jaylynn runs up to Sparky with a big smile on her face and hugs him.

SPARKY: It came sooner than I thought.

BUSTER: I told ya. What's my name?

RK: It's Buster, are you on something?

Buster gives RK an annoyed look.

JAYLYNN: I just want to say that you and Anja are amazing for trying to make this a great birthday for me, even though you have to put up with me being a grouch.

SPARKY: Hey, for you, Jaylynn, nothing's too good.

JAYLYNN: Aww. I can't wait to see what you guys do.

Halley walks up to the guys.

HALLEY: Hey, what's going on here?

SPARKY: Well, what's going on is Anja and I have to meet after school to help plan for Jaylynn's party.

HALLEY: But I thought we had plans today.

SPARKY: I'm really sorry, babe, but this means a lot to the girl. Just look at that face.

Jaylynn gives Halley a flirtatious smile, which slightly creeps her out.

HALLEY: Yeah, the face of death.

JAYLYNN: Shut up, bitch.

HALLEY: Bitch, don't even play that shit with me, I'll bust your ass right now.

WADE: Hey, hey, language! We're planning a party over here!

RK: Yeah, this is serious, mature business. Okay, so should we get rainbow balloons or the ones with the little kittens on them?

WADE: I LOVE the kitten ones.

RK: I KNOW, but the rainbow ones are not without their charms.

Sparky, Buster, Jaylynn, and Halley all look at RK and Wade with suspicious glances.

SPARKY: Yeah, so I'm gonna get to class. See you guys later.

Sparky kisses Halley on the cheek and hugs Jaylynn, then fist bumps Buster and leaves. Jaylynn playfully rubs Halley on her head and then leaves as well.

HALLEY: This is gonna be a long week.

BUSTER: How? A week is only seven days.

HALLEY: Are you being serious right now, or just playing around like you do sometimes?

BUSTER: No, I'm actually curious as to why you think that. Unless this is a leap week. Holy shit, is this a leap week?!

WADE: WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

SCENE 4

The Maria Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Ashley and Gilcania are flipping through a notepad together.

ASHLEY: Okay, you win, this notepad has 60 pages.

GILCANIA: Pay up, boo boo.

ASHLEY: Fine.

Ashley takes out a five dollar bill from her wallet and gives it to Gilcania.

GILCANIA: Thank you, my friend. Okay, let's see how many cherries we can put in our mouths.

ASHLEY: That sounded so wrong. Besides, we have to figure out the entertainment for Jaylynn's party.

GILCANIA: We could get a clown.

ASHLEY: No, clowns are so old-school. We need something like a band.

GILCANIA: A marching band?

ASHLEY: Gilcy, stay with me, we need a cool band.

GILCANIA: Okay, honey, I get it. But damn, I need a snack. Hang on.

Gilcania gets up and heads for the kitchen as Ashley repeatedly taps the notepad with her pencil.

ASHLEY: Okay, what does Jaylynn listen to? Come on, Ashley. Think, think. Wait, that's it. That's an idea.

GILCANIA: An idea? What idea?

ASHLEY: I just thought of a band that could play at Jaylynn's party. I mean, it's a long shot, but it wouldn't hurt to try.

Gilcania comes back in with her mouth full.

ASHLEY: You have a mouth full of cherries, don't you?

Gilcania nods in approval.

ASHLEY: You act so weird whenever I visit you.

Gilcania then shrugs in agreement.

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Anja are running through a notepad of their own.

ANJA: Okay, so the guests arrive promptly at 3:00. I hate when people show up late to things, I swear.

SPARKY: Hey, some kids might get stuck in traffic.

ANJA: I don't know, man, I just like being on time. So everybody talks for a bit, they dance around, and then we cut the cake.

SPARKY: Which RK and Wade will be picking up from the bakery downtown, and to Jaylynn's specifications.

ANJA: You know, we make a pretty good team.

SPARKY: Yeah, like Curry and Thompson or Key and Peele or Starsky and Hutch.

ANJA: Who's Starsky and Hutch?

SPARKY: You know, from that TV show in the 1970s? One of the greatest duos of all-time?

ANJA: What is it with you guys making references to all these old shows?

SPARKY: We just appreciate television, that's all I can say.

Sparky's phone rings. It's Halley, but he decides not to pick it up.

ANJA: Is that Halley?

SPARKY: Yeah.

ANJA: So why don't you pick it up?

SPARKY: Because we're planning this party and I don't want to disappoint her again by telling her we can't hang out tonight.

ANJA: So if she asks, you're going to say you dropped your phone in the toilet or something?

SPARKY: Hey, that's not a bad idea. I could pull that off.

ANJA: Come on, let's keep this going.

SPARKY: Alright..

Meanwhile, on the other line, Halley sighs in disappointment.

HALLEY: Of course. Jaylynn's birthday again. Or is it?

SCENE 6

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The living room is empty as Halley rings the doorbell to Buster's condo twice.

HALLEY: What if he isn't home? Wait, what the hell am I doing? I can just walk inside.

Halley walks in the condo and starts looking around for Buster.

HALLEY: Buster? Buster, you in here? Buster?

Halley looks in the kitchen and sees LPC.

HALLEY: Hey, it's Buster's cat...whose name I can't remember. Hey there, little kitty. You know where Buster is?

LPC walks out of the kitchen and leads Halley up the stairs. LPC goes to Buster's room and Halley notices a light in the bathroom. She opens it and sees Buster with his natural brown hair and a bottle of blonde hair dye in his hand. He has on nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

HALLEY: Buster, is that you?

BUSTER: AAAAAAAHHHH!

HALLEY: AAH!

BUSTER AND HALLEY: AAAAAAHHHH!

HALLEY: WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?!

BUSTER: YOU KNOW THE TRUTH, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, GET OUT, GET OUT, YOU BETTER GET THE F*** OUT!

HALLEY: OKAY, AAAAAHHHH!

At that point, Halley runs away from the bathroom.

SCENE 7

Space Needle Diner

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

Buster and Halley both have blueberry muffins and coffee with them as they look at each other blankly. Buster's hair is now the usual blonde.

BUSTER: First of all, I would like to apologize for what happened today. I don't prefer anybody but Sparky see me in my natural state when it comes to my hair, and you became an innocent victim of my wrath. So, I'm deeply sorry.

HALLEY: It's fine, man. But why do you like dyeing your hair?

BUSTER: One step at a time, Halley.

HALLEY: I'm sorry. It's Sparky I wanted to talk to you about. How much time is he spending on Jaylynn's party planning?

BUSTER: A lot, actually. He doesn't do much else but talk about it. He really wants Jaylynn to have a special day.

HALLEY: I get that, but I want my boyfriend back. I can't even get him to come to my house anymore.

BUSTER: Well, it's a good thing Jaylynn's not into guys because if she was, there's always the possibility of her trying to steal Sparky away from you. But she's not, so I have nothing.

HALLEY: I guess I'm just gonna have to wait until the party's over to be Sparky's number one again.

Buster gives Halley a look of confusion.

HALLEY: Girl-wise, I mean.

BUSTER: Oh. Hey, you think if I dunk some of my muffin in this coffee, it will taste good?

HALLEY: I don't know, try it.

Buster does exactly that and after eating a piece, he looks disgusted.

HALLEY: So how was it?

BUSTER: I wanna go home.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are standing in front of a whiteboard while KG, Ashley, and Gilcania sit on the couch.

RK: Alright, guys, for your approval, we have an idea for entertainment at Jaylynn's party.

WADE: We think that KG would be perfect doing his stand-up comedy.

GILCANIA: KG's a comedian?

RK: Yeah, boo-boo. Don't you remember? You were there for one of his first shows.

GILCANIA: Oh yeah, I was. I don't remember it being that funny.

KG: Well then, f*** you.

RK: KG!

KG: Sorry, I just hate when people criticize my act.

GILCANIA: Well, honey, I'm sorry but you and your crappy comedy can't be at Jaylynn's party.

RK: Why, did you already find entertainment?

ASHLEY: Yes, we did. One of Jaylynn's favorite bands.

WADE: Fall Out Boy?

ASHLEY: Yeah, something like that.

GILCANIA: We booked someone for Jaylynn's birthday?

ASHLEY: *through clenched teeth* Yes, Gilcy, we already did.

GILCANIA: I feel like you're implying something that I'm not getting.

ASHLEY: Sigh. Look, guys, we appreciate the pitch, but we already know who's going to perform at Jaylynn's party. You can still come, KG.

KG: Well, I already got the invitation. It's in a secret place so no one else but me can get to it.

WADE: Why would you hide your invitation?

KG: A long time ago, I was invited to a girl's bat mitzvah. I was so ready to bag me a Jewish girlfriend but then somebody snatched my invitation right from under me. These days, my invitations are in a secret place hidden in the dark corners of an undisclosed location which is classified under every circumstance. Anybody that touches it will be killed on sight by ten watchdogs and a fully stacked militia that is trained to attack at will.

RK: Why do you always have to tell people the long version of that story?

KG: Why do you think? I know you guys are coming for my goodies.

ASHLEY: KG, no one cares where you put your invitation.

KG: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIESSSSSS!

SCENE 9

Walgreens

Seattle, Washington

Buster and Wade are looking around the birthday card section to find something nice for Jaylynn.

WADE: Hey, do you know how old Jaylynn is turning this year?

BUSTER: I don't know, eight? Why?

WADE: Well, it's kinda weird how I don't know. This mystery just confounds me.

BUSTER: You could always ask her, you know.

WADE: I can't do that. They expect you to know these things.

BUSTER: Don't worry, you'll figure something out. Meanwhile, I have serious business. I never realized how little people care about gift giving. This is a tough job, so I'm gonna have to grind my tough hands into the ground for it. I'm gonna have to get handy, if you will. This job requires my own two...

WADE: Please. Stop. You want something simple for Jaylynn, so buy a gift card.

BUSTER: I don't know, gift cards are so impersonal. That's what your relatives get you when they forget how old you are. Besides, where does Jaylynn go? Sears, Kids Foot Locker, Baby GAP? I don't know.

WADE: Well, I shall purchase one for her.

BUSTER: Oh, no freaking way you're upstaging me, brother, I'm gettin' that card.

WADE: You just said you didn't want to!

BUSTER: Well, I can't have you stealing my shine. Hell, I might as well get one for myself. That would be so hardcore.

WADE: Buster, people don't buy gift cards for themselves.

BUSTER: How do you know? Are you these people? Do you follow them, take naked pictures of them, and leak them online? Because that's what stalkers do, Wade.

WADE: You don't...*groans*...just buy the card, I'll get something else.

BUSTER: I thought you just said that...

WADE: I'LL GET SOMETHING ELSE, BUSTER!

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN'S BIRTHDAY

Sparky, Buster, and RK are blowing up balloons for Jaylynn's party while Wade is setting up the table where snacks and drinks will be placed.

WADE: Is that a speck of dust on my tablecloth? Please.

Wade uses a portable vacuum cleaner to get rid of the speck.

WADE: No dust is even close to safe when Wade's around. Ugh, that sounded a lot more irreverent in my head.

RK: Sparky, how long have we been blowing up these balloons? I'm exhausted.

SPARKY: It's only been 25 minutes.

RK: Well, it feels like two hours. I can't go anymore. My lungs aren't what they used to be.

BUSTER: RK, come on, this is important. Just pretend you're blowing out the candles on a delicious ice cream cake. It just came out of the freezer, the frosting looks magnificent the way it compliments the Oreo cookies on top of the roses made out of sugary icing. Mmmmmm, ice cream cake.

Buster starts drooling over the imaginary cake and Sparky gives him a rag.

BUSTER: You're a real pal, Sparky.

SPARKY: RK, what are you doing? I thought you were listening to Buster!

At this point, RK is reading a teen magazine on the couch.

RK: I was, then I got bored and decided I would kick it for a while. Can you believe the shit they put in teen magazines these days? I don't even know who half these people are. "Rowan Blanchard Fires Back Against Twitter Haters." Jesus, that's not even news anymore.

WADE: You know, RK, if you really don't want to help stock up the balloons, then help me make sure the supplies are in order.

RK: Does that require me to do actual work?

WADE: Yes. It does.

RK: Well, in that case, I'm just going to read about more of this teen stuff. Oh, great. Another article about Ariel Winter's breast reduction. Over it!

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND WADE: RK!

RK: Guys, relax. We did everything we could already. It's Jaylynn's birthday now which means the work will do itself. Besides, I'm ten years old. I go to school, eat, come home, go to sleep, and all I want to do is have some peace and quiet before the party starts. I've earned it.

SPARKY: If you don't help us with this party stuff, you're not getting any cake.

RK: CALL ME RK JENNINGS, THE IRON MAN! Wade, I need you to help me do some inventory right this second! Come on, people, this party isn't going to decorate itself. Chop chop!

RK skips into the kitchen with a big smile on his face.

BUSTER: How did you get him to stop being lazy?

SPARKY: When it's someone's birthday and cake is on the line, RK knows not to play games.

BUSTER: Cool. Hey, how many slices of cake do I get? I feel like I'm good enough for two, but I don't want you to see me as a fat ass.

SCENE 11

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Anja is whistling "Birthday" by The Beatles as she makes sure Jaylynn's present is properly wrapped. Lynne then walks into the room after coming downstairs.

LYNNE: Girl, where do you buy your soap?

ANJA: Costco?

LYNNE: Smart move. I should go shopping with you next time. Okay, so I'm out like the Northern Lights. Later.

ANJA: Lynne, where do you think you're going?

LYNNE: Home. You know, to my place? You helped me pick it out last summer? Come to think of it, I don't know why I'm reminding you what happened, you were there for it.

ANJA: That's not what I meant, silly. You said you were going to come to Jaylynn's party.

LYNNE: No, because I wasn't invited. Besides, you and I both know I'll just end up punching Jaylynn in the face anyway.

ANJA: Oh yeah, she told me that she didn't want you within 500 feet of Sparky's house. Alright, go.

LYNNE: Really? You're not going to spend the next two hours trying to find a way so I can come?

ANJA: No, those days are over. What are you doing? Why are you still here? It's over. Go.

LYNNE: I'll be back.

Lynne snickers and leaves the house.

ANJA: Ugh, she never knows what movie I'm quoting. I don't think references are for me.

SCENE 12

Halley leaves her house with a gift for Jaylynn and gets in her car then drives off.

HALLEY: Maybe I'm thinking about this too hard. I mean, it's not about me, it's about Jaylynn. She deserves to have fun on her birthday.

The scene cuts to Halley pulling up in front of Sparky's house.

HALLEY: Sparky doesn't like Jaylynn that way, he can't. I'm the big dog around here. At the end of the day, it's probably all in my head.

When Halley gets out of her car, she momentarily stops in front of the door of the house.

HALLEY: Wow, there are a lot of nice f***ing cars in this area. I should really stop talking to myself.

Halley walks into the house and the first thing she sees or even acknowledges is Sparky and Jaylynn hugging each other.

HALLEY: Or maybe I've just been friends with a dirty, self-centered, backstabbing liar!

Halley walks up to Sparky and Jaylynn.

HALLEY: Hey guys, how's the party? You blow out your candles yet?

JAYLYNN: Dude, I just got here. In fact, I got here about three minutes before you did.

HALLEY: Wonderful, wonderful story. I would like to speak with my boyfriend in private, please.

JAYLYNN: Okay, sure. I have to go greet the guests anyway.

Jaylynn walks away to speak to Ashley and Gilcania.

SPARKY: Halley, are you okay? You seem really sarcastic today.

HALLEY: I'm fine. I've never been better. You know something?

SPARKY: What?

Halley then starts kissing Sparky in a noticeably aggressive way, which some of the other characters notice as well. Sparky then pulls away from Halley.

SPARKY: Halley, tone it down a bit, huh?

HALLEY: What? Am I that unappealing that you don't want to kiss me?!

SPARKY: I never said that. But I don't want us to be the center of attention. It's Jaylynn's day.

HALLEY: Oh yeah, because the sun rises and sets on Jaylynn. Jaylynn this, Jaylynn that. WHY DON'T YOU MARRY JAYLYNN?!

Halley walks out of the house and slams the door. She then gets in her car while crying a bit and speeds off. In the house, everyone stares at Sparky with concerned looks. Sparky's cheeks turn red as he sighs.

SCENE 13

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Halley is watching TV with a bored expression on her face.

VOICEOVER: Coming this spring to Nickelodeon, a brand-new cartoon!

HALLEY: Oh God.

VOICEOVER: Meet...Carrot and Ranch Bottle!

CARROT: Ranch, we're going to have to use our quick wits to get out of this mess. Ranch, what are you doing, we have to clean this up!

Carrot sees Ranch Bottle licking barbeque sauce off an unconscious old man.

RANCH BOTTLE: If you're done scolding me, I'm doing my own cleaning!

Halley turns the TV to another channel and sighs as Jaylynn walks in, rubbing the back of her hands.

JAYLYNN: Halley, we need to talk.

HALLEY: There's nothing to talk about. I just got caught up in the moment, that's all.

JAYLYNN: Well, just so you know, I'm not stealing Sparky away from you. I never could, so...there. That's kinda it.

HALLEY: So my spot's not in jeopardy?

JAYLYNN: It never was, Halley. So we cool? We still friends?

HALLEY: Of course we are. Hey, could I see your phone for a minute?

JAYLYNN: Sure, why?

HALLEY: Oh, I just want to compare.

Jaylynn hands Halley her phone.

HALLEY: Wow, nice model. Hey, I was thinking. I bought this hat for you that you could wear at the party, but I forgot to bring it over. You want to see it?

JAYLYNN: Sure.

HALLEY: It's in the closet.

Jaylynn walks towards the closet and opens it up. She walks inside and tries looking for the hat while Halley leaves Jaylynn's phone on the living room couch. Halley then locks the door from the outside and walks into the closet. Jaylynn turns around and sees Halley with a blank expression on her face.

JAYLYNN: Halley, what's going on?

HALLEY: You're not going to ruin my relationship with Sparky. You thought I would let my guard down and believe your bullshit, but that's not happening. Your ass is staying here inside this locked closet.

JAYLYNN: You son of a bitch, I'm getting out of this nut house!

HALLEY: Go ahead. Try unlocking the door. Even though you can't do that from the inside. I WIN! YOU DIDN'T GET THE BEST OF ME, I SURVIVED!

JAYLYNN: Except you didn't win, dumbass! You locked yourself in too!

HALLEY: Say what now?

JAYLYNN: Let me get this through your peanut-sized brain as easily as possible. If the door unlocks from the outside, and you're in here with me...THEN NEITHER OF US CAN GET OUT, YOU NIMROD!

HALLEY: Oh yeah. I am. You know, honestly, I didn't think this through.

"Big Time Theme Song" plays in the background as Jaylynn screams and tosses Halley into the door, trying to bust it down. She then gets in a few shots on her.

SCENE 14

The Vidal Household

Interior Closet

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn and Halley are sitting on opposite corners of the closet. Jaylynn has a look of seething rage, never taking her eyes off of a nervous Halley.

HALLEY: Could you stop looking at me like that? It's creepy.

JAYLYNN: No. I'm going to keep looking at you like this until it's permanently etched into the back of your mind for as long as you live. And you don't have that much time left on this planet anyway.

HALLEY: Jaylynn, I told you I'm sorry.

JAYLYNN: No, you didn't. I forced it out of you because you didn't want me to hit you anymore. Do you not understand that we're in big trouble here?! I'm going to have another crappy birthday thanks to you of all people.

HALLEY: Well, maybe you shouldn't have been so flirty with Sparky.

JAYLYNN: Flirty? FLIRTY?! Never mind, I'm...I'm not going to lose my temper right now. I'm just going to hold onto it until somebody gets us out of here and I can hurt you as much as I want to.

HALLEY: You have some serious anger issues you need to get worked out.

JAYLYNN: Do you want me to kick your ass now, or now?

SCENE 15

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are looking up at the ceiling of Sparky's house.

WADE: You know, we really should have put up a banner.

RK: Well, there was no time to make it ourselves. Besides, I already told you what happened at the store. I told the owner I wanted a banner for my friend's birthday, they asked me what race Jaylynn is, they thought she was a mulatto and they kicked me out.

WADE: Well, hopefully nobody notices this travesty.

RK: Trust me, they're not. Our supplies skills were so impeccable, nobody will care. But on a side note, I'm signing the petition to get that store shut down.

BUSTER: Sparky, what happened to Jaylynn and Halley? I haven't seen them in ages.

SPARKY: Jaylynn said she was going to go over to Halley's and talk to her. I don't know, we should give them more time.

BUSTER: Well, hopefully, they make it back soon. I've already drooled three times today thinking about cake and I'm not going for a third encore!

ASHLEY: It's a good thing the band isn't here yet.

GILCANIA: Are you sure they're even coming?

ASHLEY: I don't know, they said they were 50/50. Who knows? They'll probably never show up.

The doorbell is rung at that moment and Buster goes to open it.

BUSTER: Hmm, must be the pizza guy.

Buster opens the door and he is shocked when he sees that it is Paramore.

BUSTER: Holy shit!

SPARKY: That's Paramore! YOU GUYS GOT PARAMORE?!

RK: WHAT THE HELL, IT'S...

WADE: Damn, son.

ANJA: Wait, who are they again? I forgot.

HAYLEY W: We're here for a Jaylynn. Is Jaylynn in the house?

ASHLEY: Actually, no. Hi, I'm Ashley Rodriguez. I'm the one who booked you guys. Jaylynn stepped out but she should be back soon.

HAYLEY W: How soon, like, 15 minutes soon, or six hours because you never told her we were here soon?

ASHLEY: It's something, I don't know.

TAYLOR Y: Is that ice cream cake over there?

SPARKY: Yes. But we're not eating it right now.

TAYLOR Y: Then why is it out in the open like that? It's gonna melt.

HAYLEY W: Yeah, honestly, from a scientific point of view, leaving the cake out there is a bad move.

SPARKY: You know what, guys? You're right. Buster, help me put this cake in the freezer.

BUSTER: Why?

SPARKY: Because we're in front of celebrities and I don't feel like I'm on my A-game.

ANJA: Seriously, who are those guys?

SCENE 16

The Vidal Household

Interior Closet

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn and Halley continue to sit down doing absolutely nothing.

(to the tune of "Here" by Alessia Cara) JAYLYNN: Why am I still locked in here against my will?/My birthday sucks again 'cause of this crazy bitch I want to kill/She's losing it, she's jealous 'cause my friend just wants to make me happy/So pardon my language, I don't know why this f***ing bitch is here.

HALLEY: Nice. Really nice, could you not be an asshole for one second?

JAYLYNN: Halley, for the last time, this whole thing is because of you. You thought for no apparent reason that I wanted to make out with Sparky or something, so you let your petty jealousy get in the way of common sense. If we die in here, I'm gonna make sure everybody knows it's your fault.

HALLEY: How could you do that if you're already dead?

JAYLYNN: I'll think of something! I need to try planning an escape. Maybe I could get out of here through that heating duct, or I could pick the lock with a coat hook or make a battering ram out of an umbrella.

HALLEY: Who do you think you are, MacGyver?

JAYLYNN: I'm just saying, it doesn't hurt to think...

Halley is texting on her phone, which Jaylynn notices.

JAYLYNN: Halley...what the f*** are you doing?

HALLEY: I'm using my phone. It's nothing new.

JAYLYNN: Okay, so you lock us in here because you're crazy, you take my phone because you're crazy, you willingly stay in here with me because you're stupid and crazy, and now you're using our only means of getting out of here right in front of my face because you're crazy?!

HALLEY: I'm not letting you leave this room just so you can shack up with Sparky. I'm way smarter than that.

The camera cuts to a closeup of Jaylynn's angry face with clenched teeth.

JAYLYNN: YOU BASTARD, I'LL KILL YOU!

Jaylynn charges at Halley and starts pounding on her in an attempt to get her phone.

JAYLYNN: I'M...GOING...TO END YOU!

HALLEY: YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO!

JAYLYNN: GIVE ME THE PHONE, HALLEY!

HALLEY: NO!

Jaylynn gets her hands on the phone and starts texting Sparky, but Halley tackles her at that moment. They roll around with the phone changing hands each time. The scene cuts to Sparky's house, and his eyes are noticeably widened as he continues calling Jaylynn.

BUSTER: Sparky, are you okay?

SPARKY: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? Just because one of my best friends and the love of my life are probably in danger somewhere, it's not a big deal.

BUSTER: I'm sure Jaylynn and Halley are just fine. Maybe they got locked in a gas station or something.

HAYLEY W: Guys, I'm right here.

SPARKY: We're not talking about you, Hayley, we're talking about my friend Halley.

HAYLEY W: Why would you say my name twice? I mean, I get it the first time, saying it the second time sounds gratuitous.

SPARKY: Hayley, this is about someone else named Halley.

HAYLEY W: Oh. Do you spell it the same way?

SPARKY: NO, YOU DON'T SPELL IT THE SAME F***ING WAY!

TAYLOR Y: Sparky, come on, take it easy. Sometimes, it takes Hayley a while to get things.

HAYLEY W: It's true. One time, I got lost in a storage closet because it looked just like a bathroom. I can tell you right now that going in storage closets is a completely different experience from what you might expect.

At that moment, Sparky receives a text from Halley's phone.

SPARKY: What the? "Fgelp, Smalley and Oi qwart paped inside fur vlosset." What the f*** is a vlosset?

BUSTER: Sparky, what's going on?

SPARKY: I just got the weirdest text from Halley. I don't know what this even means.

BUSTER: Hmmm, sounds like a cry for help. We should go over there and see what's going on.

SPARKY: You're right. We should leave in a way that's so inconspicuous, no one will even know we're gone.

HAYLEY W: But we know you're leaving. We see you leaving right now.

SPARKY: Hayley, is this your thing? Like, are you really trying to piss me off right now?

HAYLEY W: Look, if I don't point things out that don't make sense to me, who else is going to do it? Taylor? Because he has his own life to live, Sparky.

SCENE 17

The Vidal Household

Interior Closet

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn and Halley are still on opposite sides of the closet.

JAYLYNN: Alright, I'm calling it. I'm gonna die in here so I might as well start writing up my will. Okay, I leave my TV to RK because he enjoys TV, my hats to RK because he likes dressing up...you know what? RK's getting a lot of stuff, I guess we're closer than I thought.

HALLEY: Jaylynn, neither of us are going to die.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're one to talk. If not for you, I wouldn't even be thinking about death right now. I would be at my party around normal people.

HALLEY: Oh, so now I'm not a normal person?

JAYLYNN: No! What kind of normal person does shit like this?

HALLEY: An insanely jealous person?

JAYLYNN: *sighs* Look, Halley, I'm still ten years old for some reason. I've never been with anybody before and I don't even understand love like that. But I know that Sparky and I will always be friends, nothing more than that. Now I know the bitch inside you took over and thought that I "wanted your boyfriend," but I've known him longer than you so I'm not a visitor to any of this. You need to understand that just because Sparky and I are close, doesn't mean something's gonna happen. I guess you're just scared of me.

HALLEY: Scared of you? Honey, I'm not scared of anybody.

JAYLYNN: So I guess you locked me in this closet and made me miss my birthday party not because you knew that if I wanted Sparky, I could have him? Does that sound right?

HALLEY: Oh my God. Jaylynn, you're right. I am scared of you. You and Sparky have such a great friendship and I don't know what I would do with myself if I lost him. I let my jealousy get the best of me and I... I did this to you.

Halley starts crying at that point.

JAYLYNN: Sweetheart, please stop crying, it's not worth it.

HALLEY: It is! This isn't me and this isn't how I solve my problems. I ruined everything for you because I'm a petty asshole!

JAYLYNN: Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. You're not an asshole. A jerk, definitely, but you're not an asshole. And you know why I lost my temper so much with you? Because you're an amazing, thoughtful person and I never thought you were capable of something like this. Look, I want to just move past this, but only if you can move past this.

HALLEY: I can. Thank you Jaylynn. And I'm sorry for everything I did. You and Sparky really do deserve each other.

JAYLYNN: We do, as friends. The same way you deserve people like me to help keep you from going to this other place like today.

HALLEY: You're a great friend, Jaylynn. And happy birthday.

JAYLYNN: Thanks Halley. You know, I think you deserve to know about this.

HALLEY: Know about what?

JAYLYNN: Well, a long time ago, before I realized I liked girls, I had a crush on Sparky.

HALLEY: You did?! No way!

JAYLYNN: Yup, it was back when we were pen pals. But back then, I also wasn't good with my feelings so I just never said anything. Now, I know in my heart who I want to be with.

HALLEY: Sparky?

JAYLYNN: Dude, no, Anja.

HALLEY: You have a crush on Anja?

JAYLYNN: Yes, for two years now. I just told you last week how much I like her.

HALLEY: Oh yeah, you did. I hope that works out for you.

JAYLYNN: Good old Halley.

The two smile at each other and then hug. Sparky and Buster then open the door.

BUSTER: It's time to stop sinning and start winning!

SPARKY: Dude, seriously?

BUSTER: I told you in the car that when we got here, I was going to say something snappy like cops usually do.

SPARKY: Yeah, but I didn't think you were actually gonna do it. You guys okay?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, we're fine. We got trapped in here by accident and got cabin fever.

SPARKY: Well, I'm glad you're both in one piece. Especially you, baby.

HALLEY: I'm just glad you're here. Look, Sparky, I'm sorry I've been acting so jealous. I guess I'm more afraid of losing you than I thought.

SPARKY: It's okay, Halley. I shouldn't have ignored you so much either. But no matter what happens, you and I are going to get through it.

HALLEY: I hope so.

BUSTER: Let's all go home. And Jaylynn, there's a big surprise waiting for you. It's something very special, but because I don't want to spoil anything, I'm not even gonna mention Paramore.

SPARKY: Um, Buster, you just did.

BUSTER: No, I didn't! I don't know Paramore! I never even bought any of their albums! YOU'LL NEVER GET THE BEST OF ME, SPACEMAN!

Buster runs into the front door and gets knocked out.

SPARKY: BUSTER!

JAYLYNN: Wait, I just realized, YOU GOT F***ING PARAMORE?!

SCENE 18

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The kids are all sitting around the couch with bored expressions, listening to Paramore tell a story.

HAYLEY W: And so that's when you realize that you could save money on socks just by going to 99-cent stores and buying pairs in bulk. The material has to be stretchy and comfortable up to the ankle line because if it's not, you're in for some serious trouble.

TAYLOR Y: Hey, remember when Josh and Zac would wear your socks and pretend to be you?

HAYLEY W: Yeah, I do. I miss them so much. Do they still hate me?

TAYLOR Y: A little bit, yeah. But didn't you send them like, 900 fruit baskets after they left?

HAYLEY W: I did. Sucks though, they always knew what socks to wear on tour.

RK: The f*** is going on right now?! You guys gonna sing or keep going with these old man stories?

TAYLOR Y: We can't do anything until Jaylynn gets here.

WADE: This is going to be a very trying day.

HAYLEY W: I noticed that there's a distinct lack of a banner here. You should have added one, would really spice up the room.

WADE: SEE, I TOLD YOU THEY WERE GOING TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT!

ANJA: *to Ashley* Seriously, who are they?

ASHLEY: I dunno.

At that point, Sparky, Buster, Jaylynn, and Halley walk into the room. Jaylynn sees Paramore on the couch and becomes frozen in excitement.

HAYLEY W: What's up, Jaylynn? Happy birthday.

TAYLOR Y: Yeah, we appreciate the support. Once we heard from Ashley here that you're a fan, we knew we had to come here.

HAYLEY W: And for other reasons we don't want to get into right now, we needed to do this.

Jaylynn, with a huge smile on her face, ends up falling backwards like a statue and faints.

SPARKY: JAYLYNN, ARE YOU OKAY?!

HALLEY: Ah, Jaylynn...

BUSTER: Come on, Jay.

Sparky, Buster, and Halley try to help Jaylynn up while Paramore looks at RK with disinterest.

RK: Why are you looking at me like that?

HAYLEY W: You know, we did come here to perform. If we don't, you're going to have to pay us extra.

RK: I'm not even the one who told you guys to come!

TAYLOR Y: You look like you're pretty loaded. Besides, if we don't get paid, I don't know how we're going to explain this to our agent.

HAYLEY W: Yeah, he's pretty busy as it is. I mean, have you tried managing us? It's not that easy when we have to focus on our Hayley and Taylor stuff.

RK: I have no idea what you two are talking about.

HAYLEY W: Hey, don't get fresh with me, Craig.

RK: That's not my name, dumbass.

HAYLEY W: Well, f*** you for looking like a Craig. You're misleading.

At that point, RK looks at Ashley with squinted eyes to indicate annoyance.

RK: Ashley, can you do me a favor?

ASHLEY: Sure, what is it?

RK: Make sure I never buy another Paramore album...ever.

Fade to black. The kids are then shown at Super Bowl 50 in Santa Clara right before the halftime show.

TSE: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("God Lives Through" by A Tribe Called Quest playing in the end credits)

©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PHIFE DAWG

1970-2016

A TRUE MIDNIGHT MARAUDER