Post season 5 finale.
Shit. He thinks.
Shit shit shit shit shit.
He's tired and he's brooding and maybe he's had one too many drinks of scotch because he's sitting alone in his apartment staring at the television without seeing anything and despite not moving, his brain is moving a million miles an hour and now he can't seem to stop it.
Shit shit shit.
When did it happen? He had taken every precaution….
He drinks the last of the scotch, feeling it go down his throat. When he's done he immediately fills the glass again, sighing.
He literally did everything he could to not feel this way and he feels angry, cheated even. He took every step. He did the talking down, the distance, the just friends and now he's here, alone in his apartment, angry at himself and angry at her because now he has to face the fact that he's in love with one of his very best friends who happens to be young enough to be his daughter.
Fucking hell.
He drinks a generous amount of the scotch.
He tries to think back, trying to figure out where he went wrong.
It was always there… this… thing between them. It's something he's always known. Denial is a very safe, wonderful place, but he's not stupid. He knows she's attracted to him (always has been) and he can't help how unbelievably hot she is but lust is safe. Lust isn't feelings.
It was those pesky feelings that ruined everything.
He stayed away from her in the beginning because of her age. Sure she was hot and he wasn't blind but he was still way older and she was way too young and staying away from her wasn't too much of a problem because he had no desire to be that guy. But then they became friends. Then she started to mean something.
And it got…. complicated.
Because becoming friends didn't make the attraction go away. It made it worse. It would have been so much easier for her to slip into this 'little sister' role and him being the protective, hot older brother but things didn't happen that way.
Instead she'd beam at him or do something adorable, steer him in the right direction and she didn't get any less hot, and without him knowing she crept into his heart and suddenly she became somebody important.
And not important in the way that Abed is important, or Troy, or Britta or Shirley or even Pierce (thinking about him brings an unexpected sharp sting of pain but he brushes is aside); because despite all of them being family, his relationship with Annie is… different. He's always cared about her in a different way and while deep down he's always known that, he just didn't realize how much he cared about her.
Because seriously, when the hell did this happen?
The last time he ever even acknowledged the thing between them was years ago (after he publically humiliated them both) and it was a brief conversation and changed nothing between them because after that they just became closer.
And now he's paying for his stupidity because now he knows for a fact that he's in love with her and he doesn't know what to do about it because what can he do, really?
Tell her. A very selfish voice whispers in his ear.
He fills his glass with more scotch.
There's a very selfish, almost desperate part of him that wants her in every way imaginable and no, he doesn't mean sex. Well to be fair, yes. He definitely means sex because he's been restraining himself for years and he kind of thinks he deserves a medal for it but what he really means the hand holding and waking up next to her and taking her out on a date she deserves but those thoughts terrify him.
Because yeah, the age this is something he's always had an issue with (much more so than her) but if he thinks about it, he's pretty sure that he'd still be in the same position if she was the same age as him because fuck she's Annie and she's every good thing in this world and he would find some way to screw everything up and break her heart and he knows this because it's a fact.
He can't risk losing her.
He can't.
This makes him think back to all those years ago, when Annie was determined to 'live in the moment' with her tiny-nippled, hippie loser boyfriend and how he almost lost her and he momentarily panics, thinking about much darker his life would have been if she weren't in it.
Suddenly he's looking down at the phone in his hand, his thumb hovering above the name Annie and the desire to talk to her and tell her everything is so unbelievably strong that it aches. He blinks and he throws (well, it's more of an aggressive toss because he's not an animal and he prizes this possession like no other) the phone away from him as if it burned him.
He glares at his hand as if it betrayed him but then he sighs again and takes yet another drink of scotch.
Trying to figure out when he went from having very strong, complicated feelings for her to loving her is kind of impossible because one day he wasn't and then one day he was and he's just realizing it now and whenever, however it happened doesn't change the issue.
He's never felt this way before.
He knows the thought is cheesy and overdone but it's also a universal truth and it's one he never thought he'd relate too and that's saying something because he's been engaged.
He snorts into his drink because if he's finally being honest with himself, might as well be honest about the fact that his engagement with Britta was one of the most idiotic things he's ever done and was a disaster in the making. Thank God they didn't have sex. Next time he needs to latch onto something because of fear, he'll be sure to latch onto something in a liquor store.
Also, the thought that he realized he was in love with Annie while technically being engaged to another woman- a woman that he does actually love but is no where near being in love with- doesn't escape his notice.
He hasn't even told her he loves her and he's still fucking up.
The sudden thought of Annie believing there was/is still something between him and Britta makes his stomach go into these really unpleasant knots and he kind of wants to throw up and he closes his eyes and waits for the feeling to ebb away. It feels like an eternity.
When the feeling is finally gone he tries to convince himself that maybe it's a good thing. Maybe this will spur Annie to move on, to find someone ten times better than him. Someone who's good and worthy of her (but if he's keeping with up this whole honesty thing then there is no way in hell that there's anyone who's worthy of her but still, there might be somebody close, somebody that's not him). The age thing is coming into play again because now he's thinking that she's still got her entire life ahead of her and he's in his early middle ages, a failed lawyer (not once but twice and Jesus Christ does that thought make him feel like absolute shit) back at Community College at 40 years old and where will they be in 10, 20 years?
The fact that he's even thinking this far ahead doesn't escape his notice but then again he's finally accepted that he's in love with her, so what the hell.
But then he's picturing her smiling, laughing, kissing, holding hands and being touched by someone who isn't him and then his fist is clenching and his blood is curling and he wants to more than just punch this imaginary boyfriend that's not him and who's making her smile and he's seeing red.
He closes his eyes and counts to ten, telling himself to calm down because it isn't real.
But that doesn't mean that one day it won't be.
He's not seeing red anymore but there's this sick feeling in his everywhere as he thinks about the consequences of her finally moving on which is what would probably be best for her but he also knows that it is the absolute last thing he wants and then he's stuck in square one because what the hell is he supposed to do?
Tell her. The voice whispers to him again and he clenches his jaw and pushes the thought away. He's had years of practice at pushing away his feelings when it comes to Annie and he isn't about to be weak now.
Then again, the reason why you're in this mess is because you pushed away your feelings in the first place so why do you think it'll make a difference this time around?
He doesn't, not really. He just doesn't know what he's going to do because it's taken him 5 years to fall and finally admit he's in love with her and he should know by now what he wants because for Christ's sake he's 40 years old and the thing is… He kind of does. Maybe he always has.
Maybe this whole thing was inevitable and there was nothing that could be done to stop it.
He doesn't even know what he's thinking now because he's drunk and sad and all he wants to do now is sleep so he gets up, makes his way to his room and collapses on his bed.
The whole honesty thing is exhausting and he never wants to do it again and he still has no idea what he's going to do about all of these stupid love epiphanies but he figures he'll figure it out some other time or maybe pretend like nothing ever happened because it's not like anyone can read his inner most thoughts and call him out on his bullshit.
He sighs and closes his eyes, waiting for sleep so that way he can escape his mind for a bit.
His last thought is okay so yeah, he's in love with one of his best friends who happens to be way younger than him but she also has these big blue eyes that make him absolutely powerless and then there's that gorgeous movie star smile that she's got and it blinds him but he won't ever admit it and she's also got a fantastic ass and a killer rack that he's been dreaming about since the day he met her and she has this fierce personality that helps her achieve anything she sets her mind too and it's a total turn on to see her get so passionate about something she believes in (even when they're arguing, scratch that, especially when they're arguing) and then there are those times that she does questionable things that make her not such a good girl and fuck, those are the times that he wants to push her up against the wall and finally kiss her and more like he's been dreaming about since that time at the debate tournament four years ago because his memory is pretty faded and he thinks it's about time for a new memory (or a million more) but then again, he pretty much wants to do that all the time anyway.
So maybe this whole thing just got that much more confusing and complicated but at the same time maybe it didn't because now he knows where his heart stands and maybe his brain just has to catch up first. Maybe loving her is going to be the easiest thing in the world since he's been doing it for so long without even knowing it.
And then suddenly he's falling asleep with the faded memory of heated kisses, a beaming smile, tight hugs and bright blue eyes and for a brief moment before succumbing to unconsciousness, he's happy.
AN: I wasn't quite sure about the ending, let me know what you guys think!
This was the first time I've ever written something outside my previous work in YEARS and even then, I was young and I never felt like I had a good grasp on characters that weren't my own but I literally just finished binging Community AND I LOVE IT. I also shipped Jeff/Annie before I even watched the show and I ship them harder now. They are kind of really freaking adorable and I've just been thinking about Jeff's thought on the whole post-Raquel situation and this kind of plopped out.
Anyway what are y'alls thoughts about season 6 concerning these two? I'd love to know!
Also, read and review please! :D