DISCLAIMER: Voldemort, Harry Potter, and other characters and spells from the Harry Potter books belong to J.K. Rowling. All other characters belong to whoever owns them (and I won't list them individually, as it would take almost as long as the story!)
Author's Note: The opinions expressed by the Dark Lords do not represent the opinions of the author. Rated PG-13 for occasional strong swearing. Apologies to Mel Brooks and Monty Python for shamelessly borrowing... well, you'll figure it out!
The Dark Lord Support Group
(Scene: Lord Voldemort's room in Riddle Manor, three days after Voldemort's rejuvenation by bone, flesh, and blood.Voldemort is busy playing with his action figures on his desk)
Voldemort: (holding figure of himself) Ha ha! No one can save you now Potter!
(shaking figure of Harry Potter) Help help! Please don't kill me like my parents!
(Voldy picks up figures of Ron and Hermione)
(holding Ron) Oh no, it's You-Know-Who!
(holding Hermione) Help us, Professor Dumbledore!
(he puts figure of Dumbledore in front of Harry)I will stop you, Voldemort!
(holding his own figure) Out of the way, Dummydore! Avada Kedavra! (knocks over Dumbledore) Aaah!
(picks up figures of Mace Windu and Professor X from big pile on the desk) Don't worry Harry, we'll save you with our uncanny telepathic and telekinetic powers!
(his own voice) No you won't! Take that Picard! (knocks over Xavier with his own figure) And that, you mofo! (smacks Windu off the table) And now you, Weasely! Avada Kedavra! (holding Ron's figure) Aaah! (knocks over Ron) (holding Hermione) Oh no, he killed Ron! (holding Harry) You bastard! Arrrrrrrrgh!! Raaaaaaaaaah!!! (replaces figure of Harry with blond Gohan from Dragonball Z) Ha ha, you thought I was an ordinary boy, but I'm really the Legendary Super Saiya-I mean, Super Wizard! Ally to Good, Nightmare to You! (holding his own figure) Shut up Potter! Avada Kedavra! (knocks over Gohan figure) Aaah! (holding his own figure) Now, Miss Granger, there is no one left to save you. (holding figure of Hermione) Oh, you monster! You horrid monster! But, but... (moves figures of Hermione and himself closer) ...you're so handsome, and your wand, it's so... long... (puts figures of himself and Hermione together, kissing)
(Suddenly, Wormtail bursts in the door)
Wormtail: Master, I-(sees action figures)-AAAAAH!
Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAAAH! (hides pile of action figures in his arms) How many times have I told you to KNOCK?!
Wormtail: (looking away) I'm-I'm sorry!
Voldemort: (mortified) Did you see anything?!
Wormtail: No, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
Voldemort: (relieved) Good, good. (a beat) So, what is it?
Wormtail: It's your Dark Lord support group, my Lord. Their weekly meeting starts in ten minutes. I thought you might have forgotten.
Voldemort: Ah, them. Yesss... I had forgotten. Thank you, Wormtail. (clenches fist) I can't wait to see the looks on those stuck-up fools' faces when they see me now! Ha! Half of them aren't even alive, and I've just been rejuvenated. Oh yesss...
(Scene: Downtown London, outside an office building labeled "Villains Anonymous." Lord Voldemort Apparates just outside and walks in the door. He strolls by rooms labeled "Megalomaniacs," "Alien Invaders," and "Criminals in Fake Monster Suits," from which is heard a muttered, "and I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!" Voldemort pauses and peeks in the open door of the "Hopelessly Incompetent Henchmen from Kids' Shows" room.)
Rocksteady: It was those darn shellbacks! We're bigger and stronger, but they kept beating us.
Bebop: Yeah, dem toitles ruined everything.
Goldar: (shaking sword) You pathetic fools! How could you lose so often to a bunch of mutant reptiles?
Rocksteady: At least the Ninja Turtles are much better than your stupid Power Rangers!
Hack: Bob would beat the Ninja Turtles and the Power Rangers.
Slash: Yeah, Bob was the best.
(A boy and girl in white suits with huge R's brush past Voldemort, followed by a cat creature)
James: Excuse us.
Jesse: Ahem. (Team Rocket music starts playing) To protect the world from devastation!
Elgar: Oh Christ, not them.
James: To unite all peoples within out nation!
Jesse: To denounce the evils of Truth and Love!
Shrieky: Will you two SHUT UUUUUUUP!!!
Beastly: (holding ears) Oooh, quiet Shrieky!
James: To extend out reach to the stars above!
Jesse: Jesse.
James: James.
Both: Team Rocket blasts off at the...
(Voldemort, having heard this all too many times, walks to the end of the hall, stopping at the door labeled, "Dark Lord Support Group." He opens the door. Voldemort looks around the large pine-paneled room, decorated by artists' renditions of the fortresses of Barad-dur, Thangorodrim, and the skeletal second Death Star. The group therapist, a short, scarred, shockingly bald man in a hideous "quasi-futuristic" silver suit, sits in
an elaborate automatic chair on the right side of the room. In a circle
facing him are nine ordinary folding chairs. On the therapist's right,
three chairs are occupied by Dark Lords of the Sith: a horned,
tattooed alien with a great deal of duct tape around his middle, a
hooded, shriveled old man in a black cloak, and an tall, imposing figure
wearing a black helmet and full-body cybernetic armor. To the left of the therapist,
three other Dark Lords sit: a ghostly shadow of a mighty lord with a
strange lidless Eye, a slumbering giant with a huge war hammer and a
once-proud iron crown beaten into a collar around his neck, and another
huge, demonic figure with ruby-red eyes that Voldemort didn't recognize.
The therapist gestures to the one of the three still empty folding
chairs.)
Dr. Evil: Ah, Lord Voldemort, you're just in time. My, you're certainly
looking well since our last meeting. Have a seat.
(Voldemort sits, smirking at the others.)
Dr. Evil: Now, let's get started. We have a new evil member this week. I'd
like you all to meet Dark Lord Ruby-Eye Shabranigdu, supreme ruler of
the Mazoku. (mutters) Try frickin' saying THAT ten times fast!
All: Hi, Ruby-Eye Shabrak-er-ig-doo...
Shabranigdu: (sighs) Call me Ruby-Eye.
Voldemort: Call ME Ishmael!
(Everyone glares at Voldemort.)
Dr. Evil: Voldemort, please. Lord Ruby-Eye, meet the other members of our evil support group. (points to shadow with lidless eye) Sauron of Mordor, former Lord of the Rings. (points to snoring giant with iron collar). Melkor, supreme Vala of evil, but his, er, friends call him Morgoth. (points to Voldemort). Lord Voldemort, the greatest Dark Wizard in recent history. (points to the three Sith Lords). Darth Vader, Darth Sidious, also known as Emperor Palpatine, and Darth Maul. Er, aren't there only ever supposed to be two of you?
Sidious: We thought it would be more productive if we all came together this time.
Dr. Evil: Rriiiiiight. Now, Lord Ruby-Eye, tell us what brings you here.
Shabranigdu: Well, Evil-
Dr. Evil: That's Doctor Evil. I didn't spend four years going to evil
Psychiatry school for nothing, you know. (gestures) Please, go on.
Shabranigdu: Well, Dr. Evil, sometimes I feel like nobody cares about
me. (Voldemort sniggers.) I mean, first I was separated into seven
pieces and left to slumber for all eternity. Then, when one piece was
revived, it was smashed by a meddling girl-sorceress using the power of
the Lord of Nightmares, who is the source of all evil, shining golden on
the Sea of Chaos. Since then, Lord of Nightmares has been the big bad,
and no one even talks about me! (sniffs)
Dr. Evil: Rriiiiiight. Well, I'm sure we can all relate. It's hard to
measure up to the root of all evil. Sauron, have you ever felt trapped
in the shadow of your master, the original fallen Vala?
Sauron: Me? Envious of him? (jabs his finger at the snoring Morgoth next
to him.) Hah!
Dr. Evil: Please, Sauron, we're trying to help a friend.
Sauron: (sighs) Well, I suppose I used to be jealous of him when he bossed me around back in the Elder Days and all. But since Melkor got tossed out the Door of Night into the eternal Void, I've had nothing but pity for him. Your Lord of Nightmares seems to be in a similar position.
Maul: Wait. If Morgoth's been banished from the world forever, how can he be sitting right there?! (points to Morgoth, still sound asleep in his chair)
(Several seconds of uneasy silence pass, broken only by Vader's breathing.)
Dr. Evil: That's a bad question, Lord Maul. We don't ask those kinds of questions here. (Voldemort rolls his eyes.) Now, Ruby-Eye, do you see what Sauron is getting at?
Shabranigdu: I think so. You're saying that since the Lord of Nightmares can never truly enter the world, I should be happy in being the primary incarnation of Evil present in my universe.
Dr. Evil: Exactly. I think we've made a great deal of progress already. Now, your homework assignments. I'd like you all to recite your point from the Evil Overlord List that I asked you to memorize last week. Let's start with you, Lord Maul.
Maul: (clears throat) "I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them." (glances downward at duct tape around his waist and winces.)
Sidious: "No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot."
Vader: "My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones."
Voldemort: "I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself." Though from personal experience, this is not always the best idea. (Everyone, including Voldemort, laughs.)
Dr. Evil: I'm glad to see you can now laugh at your past, er, setbacks, Voldemort. Now, Morgoth? Morgoth!
Sauron: Hey, boss, wake up! (sticks incorporeal fingers in Morgoth's shoulder.)
Morgoth: (waking up) Eh? Is it the Dagor Dagorath?
Sauron: No, no, it's your turn. Your Evil Overlord bit of advice.
Morgoth: Oh yeah, that. "I will not turn into a snake. It never helps."
Voldemort: And what's wrong with snakes?
Morgoth: It never helps to turn into them.
Sauron: It's true. Eru knows it didn't help me.
Voldemort: Maybe it didn't help you because you're a wuss who got beat by some girl and her talking dog!
Dr. Evil: Lord Voldemort...
Sidious: Jafar turned into a snake and it didn't help.
Sauron: (replying to Voldemort) That dog was a Hound of Valinor! And that cloak of Luthien's put even (points to Morgoth) him to sleep!
Voldemort: (sniggering) Oh, I'm sure that must have been difficult!
Vader: Mordack turned into a snake and it didn't help.
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen!
Voldemort: Some of my best friends are snakes, and I'm not going to let you mock them like this!
Maul: Didn't the Mayor of Sunnydale turn into a snake?
Morgoth: It sure didn't help him.
Shabranigdu: The bad guy from the first episode of Berserk turned into a snake.
Dr. Evil: Look, just shut up about the frickin' snakes already! Throw me a frickin' bone here and SHUT UP!
(Quiet falls across the room.)
Dr. Evil: Now that's better. Sauron, I believe it's your turn.
Sauron: "If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper."
Dr. Evil: Very good, Sauron. Very good, all of you. Or should I say, very... (raises pinky) EVIL?! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
All: (start maniacal laughter) MUAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHA! MUAHA! HA! HA! heh.
(suddenly a phone rings. Everyone looks around)
Dr. Evil: (checking himself for cell phones) It's not me.
Voldemort: Not me, either.
Sauron: Don't look at me, I'm not even corporeal.
(Darth Vader glances around sheepishly, then removes his boot and uncovers a phone.)
Voldemort: Your boot is a phone?!
Vader: (angrily) Look, I didn't design this stupid suit!!
Sidious: (tries to suppress laughter but fails)
Vader: (puts boot, er, phone to his, er, ear-area) Hello? Yes, he's here. It's for you. (hands the boot to a baffled Dr. Evil)
Dr. Evil: (talking into boot) Hello? Hello? Scott! How did you get the number for Lord Vader's boot? (a pause) I see... Look, Scott, Daddy's very busy right now... (another pause) I'm sorry Scott, but this is a very important meeting of the Dark Lords' Support Group... Don't say that, you hurt Daddy's feelings... (angry) Listen, you little shit, I don't care if you're turning into a werewolf, I don't care if your girlfriend's a lesbian now, I don't care if Mike Myers hasn't called you yet about the 3rd movie, I DON'T FRICKIN' CARE! (slams boot on the floor) Children. You know what it's like.
(The Dark Lords, none of whom have had children, look around uneasily, except for Vader, who nods in understanding as he slips his boot back on.)
Dr. Evil: Now, Lord Voldemort, I believe you have some... EVIL news for us?
Voldemort: Yes. Yes I do. I, the great and powerful Voldemort, have been... (pauses dramatically) REBORN!
Dr. Evil: Ruby-Eye, as a new member, you should know that when Voldemort first came to us, he was as bodiless as poor Sauron. A little less than a year ago, he regained a... semblance of a body. But now, it seems Voldemort has fully recovered his former powers.
Voldemort: Yes, I have! (looks around, gloating) I suppose you're wondering how I did it! Oh yes, you're just dying to know. It is a tale of incredible brilliance, of deviousness, of months of meticulous planning and preparation building to a sudden and unexpected climax! Maybe I'll tell you now. Or... maybe I won't. Maybe I'll keep mum about my incredible return, just let the mystery fester in your brains, torturing you, driving you ever closer, closer, CLOSER to the brink of total MADNESS! AH HA HA HA!
Sauron: Oh sod off!
Voldemort: All right, I'll tell you. (Voldemort explains the events of Goblet of Fire: how he used a spy in Hogwarts and the Triwizard Cup to capture Harry Potter and obtain the ingredients necessary to his return. By the end, everyone is silent in honest amazement.) Well, I can see you're all suitably impressed by my unrivalled accomplishment. Do you have any questions about specific details in my spectacular scheme I may have glossed over?
Sidious: Why didn't you just clone yourself another body without all that mucking around? It's what I always do.
Voldemort: Maybe, Emperor Smartypants, because the technology for cloning hasn't been invented yet!! I can't bloody well clone myself if it's never been done before in this galaxy!
Morgoth: They've cloned sheep.
Shabranigdu: Pigs, too.
Voldemort: Oh, yes, I always did want to come back as a ruddy farm animal! Anyway, I would never stoop to using Muggle technology like that.
Sauron: Say, if you had your loyal servant hiding at Hogwarts for all those months, why didn't you just have him turn one of that Potter boy's schoolbooks into a Portkey and get the kid half a year earlier?
Voldemort: Well, I- (breaks off in shock) I hadn't thought of that.
Sauron: You didn't need to do all that Machiavellian plotting to get Potter into the Tournament and to have him win. And you could've been re-enfleshed much sooner.
Voldemort: It's not that- Er, I couldn't just- (flustered) Look, I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish Inquisition here!
Dr. Evil: Lord Voldemort! Don't say-
(Suddenly three cardinals burst in the door)
Cardinal: NOObody expects the SPANISH INQUISITION!
(Everyone groans)
Cardinal: Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear - TWO chief weapons are surprise and fear, fear and surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope - THREE chief weapons are fear, surprise, almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and bright red uniforms... (cringes) Let me come in again.
(The cardinals exit. Dr. Evil locks the door behind them. A loud knocking is heard. Over several minutes, the knocking dies down. Several moments of quiet pass.)
Dr. Evil: Well, we're lucky that's- (another knock. Dr. Evil pauses) I guess they're- (another knock and a pause) That's it, then- (another knock. A very long pause) Finally. Now let's- (knock) OH FUCK OFF YOU FRICKIN' LOSERS! (an entire minute of silence goes by.) I hope we've learned not to provoke the loonies down the hall, now.
Sauron: We wouldn't have had that problem, if Moldevort here kept his lipless mouth sealed.
Voldemort: Oh shut your gob, Sauron. You're just jealous.
Sauron: Jealous of what?
Voldemort: That I got my body back, and you're stuck being a powerless wraith forever.
Sauron: At least I'm not a (sneers) mortal.
Voldemort: Mortal?! I survived death! I came back!
Sauron: Yeah, but you started off as a silly little mortal git. You'll never be anywhere near the level of an Ainu. Mortal.
Voldemort: I WILL BECOME IMMORTAL!
Maul: Careful, Voldy, you're starting to sound like a Dragon Ball Z villain. (in fake Vegeta voice) I WILL GET THE DRAGON BALLS!
Voldemort: (dangerously) And just what is wrong with Dragon Ball Z?
(Everyone else bursts into hysterical laughter. Voldemort stands in silent fury.)
Sauron: (hysterical) Look! They're okay, I can see their parachutes!!
Sidious: (also howling) I will kill you... after... I stare at you... for... nine... episodes!!!
Vader: (wheezing half to death) NO ONE could have (hah, hah!) survived THAT!! look at the (hah!) smoke!
(Finally the other Dark Lords and their therapist quiet down.)
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, if there's one thing we can agree upon, it's that anime sucks ass.
Shabranigdu: (stands in fury) WHAT YOU SAY!?!
Dr. Evil: I said, we can agree that animals eat grass.
Shabranigdu: Oh. (sits)
Voldemort: (subdued)Well, would you like to hear about my plans for total world domination?
Sauron: (snidely) No, thank you, we've heard enough from you, Mr. Dark Loser, Overlooker of the Obvious.
Voldemort: Dark Loser?! OVERLOOKER OF THE OBVIOUS?! Hello! RING INTO VOLCANO!
(Dr. Evil sighs and hangs his head in defeat. The others look intently at the brewing confrontation.)
Sauron: (faint form turning even paler)You don't deserve the title of Dark Lord, you mortal upstart! I was the primary incarnation of evil in Middle-Earth for millennia. YOU had a brief period of dominance in the Nineteen-EIGHTIES! Boy, THOSE were sure the Dark Years.
Voldemort: OH! Well, Mr. Lidless Black Eye, I have a newsflash for you: Middle-Earth BLOWS!
Sauron: (Ignoring Voldemort) Now what was so evil about the Eighties? Oh yes! Margaret Thatcher! (shudders sarcastically)
Voldemort: (Ignoring Sauron) What kind of Wizard was Gandalf, anyway? Did he ever do ANY magic, besides, oh, throwing flaming PINE CONES ?!
Sauron: The Falkland Islands! Oh the horror!
Voldemort: (getting desperate) And those Nazgul! Nice to know they're scared of a few torches!
Sauron: MTV! "Hair bands"! "RETURN OF THE JEDI"!
Sidious and Vader: HEY!
Sauron: Sorry.
Voldemort: Oh you're pitiful, you ring-dependent, nine-fingered, hobbit-humbled, half-wit excuse for a Necromancer!
Sauron: At least I haven't been repeatedly defeated by a boy named (snorts) Harry Potter! You never did tell us how you killed him. He got away and embarrassed you again, didn't he!
Voldemort: (standing in utter fury) And THIS is coming from a Dark Lord taken down by a hobbit of NO magical ability named-
Sauron: Don't even say it!
Voldemort: -Frodo BAGGINS?!?
Sauron: (now also standing in utter fury) Harry Potter is a much sillier name than Frodo Baggins!
Voldemort: Is not!
Sauron: Potter!
Voldemort: Baggins!
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen...
Sauron: Potter!
Voldemort: Baggins!
Sauron: Potter!
Voldemort: Baggins!
Dr. Evil: GENTLEMEN!
Sauron: POTTER!
Voldemort: BAGGINS!
Sauron: POTTER!!!
Voldemort: BAGGINS!!!!
Dr. Evil: Oh I frickin' give up! I'm out of here! (Dr. Evil leaves and slams the door behind him)
Sauron: Oh now look what you've done, you Dark Loser.
Voldemort: Good riddance! I'm powerful again, and I don't need a bloody therapist! And I sure as Mandos don't need any of YOU sods, you pathetic Dark Wannabes! YOU! (points at Sauron) You pathetic shadow of a shadow of a shadow of a Shadow! You've been reduces to a powerless spectre of weak fear and mild discomfort! Even Saruman's doing better than you now! Hell, that goofy X-men pterodactyl villain with the same name is more powerful than you! (points wand at Sauron) AVADA KEDAVRA!
(A bright green flash hits Sauron, but has no effect)
Sauron: (grinning) And what was THAT supposed to do?
Voldemort: (smirking) Nothing! 'Cause you're already dead, you git!
(Sauron's ghost trembles, livid with rage)
Morgoth: He's right, you know. You are a sad git.
Sauron: (shocked) MASTER!!
Morgoth: (shrugs) He's up, you're down. WAY down.
Voldemort: (points at Shabranigdu) YOU! I don't even know you, but you sure sound pathetic, Ruddy-Eye! (points at the Sith Lords) And YOU three! Masters of the "Dark Side" of the Farce! They should call you SHAFT Lords! You certainly spend enough time FALLING DOWN THEM!
(The Sith Lords stand up in anger. Darth Maul's top half falls off again and lands face down on the floor.)
Voldemort: The only one of you I respect is Morgoth! He had the sense to start the whole "Evil" thing! And he was beaten by equals with superior numbers, and even then, only after he'd dispersed most of his power through the world to pervert it to darkness.
Sauron: Oh shut your gob, you suck-up!
Sidious: I've had enough of this meddlesome Wizard! Vader! Destroy him!
(Darth Vader ignites his lightsaber and advances on Voldemort, but is blocked by Morgoth wielding Grond)
Morgoth: Back off, mortal. Voldemort's our last, best hope for Darkness.
Vader: Try and stop me, old man!
(meanwhile Darth Sidious is challenging Voldemort personally)
Sidious: I will teach you the true power of the Dark Side of the Force!
Voldemort: What are you going to do, prune face? Tickle me to death?
(Darth Sidious shoots lightning out of his fingers into Voldemort)
Voldemort: (on his knees, writhing in pain) YEeeaaaaAAArrrrGGGhh! (points wand at Sidious) Crucio!
Sidious: (now also howling in agony) AaaIIIeeiieaaaaaaaAA!!!!
(Morgoth is now swinging Grond at Darth Vader, who is parrying with his lightsaber and causing Grond to make huge pits in the floor. Darth Sidious is screaming in agony from the Cruciatus Curse but still delivering bolts of lightning into Lord Voldemort, who is spasming on the ground, surrounded by sparks, and getting kicked in the head by Darth Maul's detached lower body. Shabranigdu is moping in a corner, muttering something about, "stupid Giga Slave, should've seen it coming." Suddenly the door crashes down.)
Thing: IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME! (looks around) Oops, wrong room.
Human Torch: (tapping the Thing on the shoulder) Dr. Doom's down the other hall, Ben, with Lex Luthor, Ra's Al Ghul, Mojo Jojo, and Bill Gates!
Maul's Top Half: (still lying face down on the floor) Little help here?
Voldemort: THAT'S-AAR-IT! I'VE HAD-AAIIA-ENOUGH! (points wand at ceiling) DESTRUCTO MAXIMO!
(The entire "Villains Anonymous" building explodes in a tremendous fireball)
(Scene: Twenty minutes later, in Lord Voldemort's room in Riddle Manor. Wormtail is playing with Voldemort's action figures.)
Wormtail: (holding Voldemort's figure) No, please, master Wormtail, don't hurt me! (shaking his own figure) You've annoyed me for the last time, Voldie! Now DIE! (starts smashing his own figure's feet repeatedly on Voldemort's figure's back) Aah! No! No! Please! Stop! The pain!
(Suddenly Voldemort Apparates into the room, covered head to foot in soot)
Wormtail: AAAAAAH! (figures fly out of his hands) Master, I-I-I-
Voldemort: (sighs) I don't really want to know.
Wormtail: How was your meeting? (notices the soot) Master, what happened to you?!
Voldemort: I don't want to talk about it. (pauses) I'm going to bed, Wormtail. Goodnight. (walks towards the door)
Wormtail: But Master, THIS is your bedroom!
Voldemort: (pauses) I knew that. Now GET OUT!!
(Three minutes later the sounds of "Take that Sauron!", "Eat it, Emperor!" and "See you later, Vader!" are heard through Voldemort's closed door, accompanied by the savage smashing together of plastic action figures.)
END
Author's Note: The opinions expressed by the Dark Lords do not represent the opinions of the author. Rated PG-13 for occasional strong swearing. Apologies to Mel Brooks and Monty Python for shamelessly borrowing... well, you'll figure it out!
The Dark Lord Support Group
(Scene: Lord Voldemort's room in Riddle Manor, three days after Voldemort's rejuvenation by bone, flesh, and blood.Voldemort is busy playing with his action figures on his desk)
Voldemort: (holding figure of himself) Ha ha! No one can save you now Potter!
(shaking figure of Harry Potter) Help help! Please don't kill me like my parents!
(Voldy picks up figures of Ron and Hermione)
(holding Ron) Oh no, it's You-Know-Who!
(holding Hermione) Help us, Professor Dumbledore!
(he puts figure of Dumbledore in front of Harry)I will stop you, Voldemort!
(holding his own figure) Out of the way, Dummydore! Avada Kedavra! (knocks over Dumbledore) Aaah!
(picks up figures of Mace Windu and Professor X from big pile on the desk) Don't worry Harry, we'll save you with our uncanny telepathic and telekinetic powers!
(his own voice) No you won't! Take that Picard! (knocks over Xavier with his own figure) And that, you mofo! (smacks Windu off the table) And now you, Weasely! Avada Kedavra! (holding Ron's figure) Aaah! (knocks over Ron) (holding Hermione) Oh no, he killed Ron! (holding Harry) You bastard! Arrrrrrrrgh!! Raaaaaaaaaah!!! (replaces figure of Harry with blond Gohan from Dragonball Z) Ha ha, you thought I was an ordinary boy, but I'm really the Legendary Super Saiya-I mean, Super Wizard! Ally to Good, Nightmare to You! (holding his own figure) Shut up Potter! Avada Kedavra! (knocks over Gohan figure) Aaah! (holding his own figure) Now, Miss Granger, there is no one left to save you. (holding figure of Hermione) Oh, you monster! You horrid monster! But, but... (moves figures of Hermione and himself closer) ...you're so handsome, and your wand, it's so... long... (puts figures of himself and Hermione together, kissing)
(Suddenly, Wormtail bursts in the door)
Wormtail: Master, I-(sees action figures)-AAAAAH!
Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAAAH! (hides pile of action figures in his arms) How many times have I told you to KNOCK?!
Wormtail: (looking away) I'm-I'm sorry!
Voldemort: (mortified) Did you see anything?!
Wormtail: No, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
Voldemort: (relieved) Good, good. (a beat) So, what is it?
Wormtail: It's your Dark Lord support group, my Lord. Their weekly meeting starts in ten minutes. I thought you might have forgotten.
Voldemort: Ah, them. Yesss... I had forgotten. Thank you, Wormtail. (clenches fist) I can't wait to see the looks on those stuck-up fools' faces when they see me now! Ha! Half of them aren't even alive, and I've just been rejuvenated. Oh yesss...
(Scene: Downtown London, outside an office building labeled "Villains Anonymous." Lord Voldemort Apparates just outside and walks in the door. He strolls by rooms labeled "Megalomaniacs," "Alien Invaders," and "Criminals in Fake Monster Suits," from which is heard a muttered, "and I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!" Voldemort pauses and peeks in the open door of the "Hopelessly Incompetent Henchmen from Kids' Shows" room.)
Rocksteady: It was those darn shellbacks! We're bigger and stronger, but they kept beating us.
Bebop: Yeah, dem toitles ruined everything.
Goldar: (shaking sword) You pathetic fools! How could you lose so often to a bunch of mutant reptiles?
Rocksteady: At least the Ninja Turtles are much better than your stupid Power Rangers!
Hack: Bob would beat the Ninja Turtles and the Power Rangers.
Slash: Yeah, Bob was the best.
(A boy and girl in white suits with huge R's brush past Voldemort, followed by a cat creature)
James: Excuse us.
Jesse: Ahem. (Team Rocket music starts playing) To protect the world from devastation!
Elgar: Oh Christ, not them.
James: To unite all peoples within out nation!
Jesse: To denounce the evils of Truth and Love!
Shrieky: Will you two SHUT UUUUUUUP!!!
Beastly: (holding ears) Oooh, quiet Shrieky!
James: To extend out reach to the stars above!
Jesse: Jesse.
James: James.
Both: Team Rocket blasts off at the...
(Voldemort, having heard this all too many times, walks to the end of the hall, stopping at the door labeled, "Dark Lord Support Group." He opens the door. Voldemort looks around the large pine-paneled room, decorated by artists' renditions of the fortresses of Barad-dur, Thangorodrim, and the skeletal second Death Star. The group therapist, a short, scarred, shockingly bald man in a hideous "quasi-futuristic" silver suit, sits in
an elaborate automatic chair on the right side of the room. In a circle
facing him are nine ordinary folding chairs. On the therapist's right,
three chairs are occupied by Dark Lords of the Sith: a horned,
tattooed alien with a great deal of duct tape around his middle, a
hooded, shriveled old man in a black cloak, and an tall, imposing figure
wearing a black helmet and full-body cybernetic armor. To the left of the therapist,
three other Dark Lords sit: a ghostly shadow of a mighty lord with a
strange lidless Eye, a slumbering giant with a huge war hammer and a
once-proud iron crown beaten into a collar around his neck, and another
huge, demonic figure with ruby-red eyes that Voldemort didn't recognize.
The therapist gestures to the one of the three still empty folding
chairs.)
Dr. Evil: Ah, Lord Voldemort, you're just in time. My, you're certainly
looking well since our last meeting. Have a seat.
(Voldemort sits, smirking at the others.)
Dr. Evil: Now, let's get started. We have a new evil member this week. I'd
like you all to meet Dark Lord Ruby-Eye Shabranigdu, supreme ruler of
the Mazoku. (mutters) Try frickin' saying THAT ten times fast!
All: Hi, Ruby-Eye Shabrak-er-ig-doo...
Shabranigdu: (sighs) Call me Ruby-Eye.
Voldemort: Call ME Ishmael!
(Everyone glares at Voldemort.)
Dr. Evil: Voldemort, please. Lord Ruby-Eye, meet the other members of our evil support group. (points to shadow with lidless eye) Sauron of Mordor, former Lord of the Rings. (points to snoring giant with iron collar). Melkor, supreme Vala of evil, but his, er, friends call him Morgoth. (points to Voldemort). Lord Voldemort, the greatest Dark Wizard in recent history. (points to the three Sith Lords). Darth Vader, Darth Sidious, also known as Emperor Palpatine, and Darth Maul. Er, aren't there only ever supposed to be two of you?
Sidious: We thought it would be more productive if we all came together this time.
Dr. Evil: Rriiiiiight. Now, Lord Ruby-Eye, tell us what brings you here.
Shabranigdu: Well, Evil-
Dr. Evil: That's Doctor Evil. I didn't spend four years going to evil
Psychiatry school for nothing, you know. (gestures) Please, go on.
Shabranigdu: Well, Dr. Evil, sometimes I feel like nobody cares about
me. (Voldemort sniggers.) I mean, first I was separated into seven
pieces and left to slumber for all eternity. Then, when one piece was
revived, it was smashed by a meddling girl-sorceress using the power of
the Lord of Nightmares, who is the source of all evil, shining golden on
the Sea of Chaos. Since then, Lord of Nightmares has been the big bad,
and no one even talks about me! (sniffs)
Dr. Evil: Rriiiiiight. Well, I'm sure we can all relate. It's hard to
measure up to the root of all evil. Sauron, have you ever felt trapped
in the shadow of your master, the original fallen Vala?
Sauron: Me? Envious of him? (jabs his finger at the snoring Morgoth next
to him.) Hah!
Dr. Evil: Please, Sauron, we're trying to help a friend.
Sauron: (sighs) Well, I suppose I used to be jealous of him when he bossed me around back in the Elder Days and all. But since Melkor got tossed out the Door of Night into the eternal Void, I've had nothing but pity for him. Your Lord of Nightmares seems to be in a similar position.
Maul: Wait. If Morgoth's been banished from the world forever, how can he be sitting right there?! (points to Morgoth, still sound asleep in his chair)
(Several seconds of uneasy silence pass, broken only by Vader's breathing.)
Dr. Evil: That's a bad question, Lord Maul. We don't ask those kinds of questions here. (Voldemort rolls his eyes.) Now, Ruby-Eye, do you see what Sauron is getting at?
Shabranigdu: I think so. You're saying that since the Lord of Nightmares can never truly enter the world, I should be happy in being the primary incarnation of Evil present in my universe.
Dr. Evil: Exactly. I think we've made a great deal of progress already. Now, your homework assignments. I'd like you all to recite your point from the Evil Overlord List that I asked you to memorize last week. Let's start with you, Lord Maul.
Maul: (clears throat) "I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them." (glances downward at duct tape around his waist and winces.)
Sidious: "No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot."
Vader: "My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones."
Voldemort: "I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself." Though from personal experience, this is not always the best idea. (Everyone, including Voldemort, laughs.)
Dr. Evil: I'm glad to see you can now laugh at your past, er, setbacks, Voldemort. Now, Morgoth? Morgoth!
Sauron: Hey, boss, wake up! (sticks incorporeal fingers in Morgoth's shoulder.)
Morgoth: (waking up) Eh? Is it the Dagor Dagorath?
Sauron: No, no, it's your turn. Your Evil Overlord bit of advice.
Morgoth: Oh yeah, that. "I will not turn into a snake. It never helps."
Voldemort: And what's wrong with snakes?
Morgoth: It never helps to turn into them.
Sauron: It's true. Eru knows it didn't help me.
Voldemort: Maybe it didn't help you because you're a wuss who got beat by some girl and her talking dog!
Dr. Evil: Lord Voldemort...
Sidious: Jafar turned into a snake and it didn't help.
Sauron: (replying to Voldemort) That dog was a Hound of Valinor! And that cloak of Luthien's put even (points to Morgoth) him to sleep!
Voldemort: (sniggering) Oh, I'm sure that must have been difficult!
Vader: Mordack turned into a snake and it didn't help.
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen!
Voldemort: Some of my best friends are snakes, and I'm not going to let you mock them like this!
Maul: Didn't the Mayor of Sunnydale turn into a snake?
Morgoth: It sure didn't help him.
Shabranigdu: The bad guy from the first episode of Berserk turned into a snake.
Dr. Evil: Look, just shut up about the frickin' snakes already! Throw me a frickin' bone here and SHUT UP!
(Quiet falls across the room.)
Dr. Evil: Now that's better. Sauron, I believe it's your turn.
Sauron: "If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper."
Dr. Evil: Very good, Sauron. Very good, all of you. Or should I say, very... (raises pinky) EVIL?! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
All: (start maniacal laughter) MUAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHA! MUAHA! HA! HA! heh.
(suddenly a phone rings. Everyone looks around)
Dr. Evil: (checking himself for cell phones) It's not me.
Voldemort: Not me, either.
Sauron: Don't look at me, I'm not even corporeal.
(Darth Vader glances around sheepishly, then removes his boot and uncovers a phone.)
Voldemort: Your boot is a phone?!
Vader: (angrily) Look, I didn't design this stupid suit!!
Sidious: (tries to suppress laughter but fails)
Vader: (puts boot, er, phone to his, er, ear-area) Hello? Yes, he's here. It's for you. (hands the boot to a baffled Dr. Evil)
Dr. Evil: (talking into boot) Hello? Hello? Scott! How did you get the number for Lord Vader's boot? (a pause) I see... Look, Scott, Daddy's very busy right now... (another pause) I'm sorry Scott, but this is a very important meeting of the Dark Lords' Support Group... Don't say that, you hurt Daddy's feelings... (angry) Listen, you little shit, I don't care if you're turning into a werewolf, I don't care if your girlfriend's a lesbian now, I don't care if Mike Myers hasn't called you yet about the 3rd movie, I DON'T FRICKIN' CARE! (slams boot on the floor) Children. You know what it's like.
(The Dark Lords, none of whom have had children, look around uneasily, except for Vader, who nods in understanding as he slips his boot back on.)
Dr. Evil: Now, Lord Voldemort, I believe you have some... EVIL news for us?
Voldemort: Yes. Yes I do. I, the great and powerful Voldemort, have been... (pauses dramatically) REBORN!
Dr. Evil: Ruby-Eye, as a new member, you should know that when Voldemort first came to us, he was as bodiless as poor Sauron. A little less than a year ago, he regained a... semblance of a body. But now, it seems Voldemort has fully recovered his former powers.
Voldemort: Yes, I have! (looks around, gloating) I suppose you're wondering how I did it! Oh yes, you're just dying to know. It is a tale of incredible brilliance, of deviousness, of months of meticulous planning and preparation building to a sudden and unexpected climax! Maybe I'll tell you now. Or... maybe I won't. Maybe I'll keep mum about my incredible return, just let the mystery fester in your brains, torturing you, driving you ever closer, closer, CLOSER to the brink of total MADNESS! AH HA HA HA!
Sauron: Oh sod off!
Voldemort: All right, I'll tell you. (Voldemort explains the events of Goblet of Fire: how he used a spy in Hogwarts and the Triwizard Cup to capture Harry Potter and obtain the ingredients necessary to his return. By the end, everyone is silent in honest amazement.) Well, I can see you're all suitably impressed by my unrivalled accomplishment. Do you have any questions about specific details in my spectacular scheme I may have glossed over?
Sidious: Why didn't you just clone yourself another body without all that mucking around? It's what I always do.
Voldemort: Maybe, Emperor Smartypants, because the technology for cloning hasn't been invented yet!! I can't bloody well clone myself if it's never been done before in this galaxy!
Morgoth: They've cloned sheep.
Shabranigdu: Pigs, too.
Voldemort: Oh, yes, I always did want to come back as a ruddy farm animal! Anyway, I would never stoop to using Muggle technology like that.
Sauron: Say, if you had your loyal servant hiding at Hogwarts for all those months, why didn't you just have him turn one of that Potter boy's schoolbooks into a Portkey and get the kid half a year earlier?
Voldemort: Well, I- (breaks off in shock) I hadn't thought of that.
Sauron: You didn't need to do all that Machiavellian plotting to get Potter into the Tournament and to have him win. And you could've been re-enfleshed much sooner.
Voldemort: It's not that- Er, I couldn't just- (flustered) Look, I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish Inquisition here!
Dr. Evil: Lord Voldemort! Don't say-
(Suddenly three cardinals burst in the door)
Cardinal: NOObody expects the SPANISH INQUISITION!
(Everyone groans)
Cardinal: Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear - TWO chief weapons are surprise and fear, fear and surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope - THREE chief weapons are fear, surprise, almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and bright red uniforms... (cringes) Let me come in again.
(The cardinals exit. Dr. Evil locks the door behind them. A loud knocking is heard. Over several minutes, the knocking dies down. Several moments of quiet pass.)
Dr. Evil: Well, we're lucky that's- (another knock. Dr. Evil pauses) I guess they're- (another knock and a pause) That's it, then- (another knock. A very long pause) Finally. Now let's- (knock) OH FUCK OFF YOU FRICKIN' LOSERS! (an entire minute of silence goes by.) I hope we've learned not to provoke the loonies down the hall, now.
Sauron: We wouldn't have had that problem, if Moldevort here kept his lipless mouth sealed.
Voldemort: Oh shut your gob, Sauron. You're just jealous.
Sauron: Jealous of what?
Voldemort: That I got my body back, and you're stuck being a powerless wraith forever.
Sauron: At least I'm not a (sneers) mortal.
Voldemort: Mortal?! I survived death! I came back!
Sauron: Yeah, but you started off as a silly little mortal git. You'll never be anywhere near the level of an Ainu. Mortal.
Voldemort: I WILL BECOME IMMORTAL!
Maul: Careful, Voldy, you're starting to sound like a Dragon Ball Z villain. (in fake Vegeta voice) I WILL GET THE DRAGON BALLS!
Voldemort: (dangerously) And just what is wrong with Dragon Ball Z?
(Everyone else bursts into hysterical laughter. Voldemort stands in silent fury.)
Sauron: (hysterical) Look! They're okay, I can see their parachutes!!
Sidious: (also howling) I will kill you... after... I stare at you... for... nine... episodes!!!
Vader: (wheezing half to death) NO ONE could have (hah, hah!) survived THAT!! look at the (hah!) smoke!
(Finally the other Dark Lords and their therapist quiet down.)
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, if there's one thing we can agree upon, it's that anime sucks ass.
Shabranigdu: (stands in fury) WHAT YOU SAY!?!
Dr. Evil: I said, we can agree that animals eat grass.
Shabranigdu: Oh. (sits)
Voldemort: (subdued)Well, would you like to hear about my plans for total world domination?
Sauron: (snidely) No, thank you, we've heard enough from you, Mr. Dark Loser, Overlooker of the Obvious.
Voldemort: Dark Loser?! OVERLOOKER OF THE OBVIOUS?! Hello! RING INTO VOLCANO!
(Dr. Evil sighs and hangs his head in defeat. The others look intently at the brewing confrontation.)
Sauron: (faint form turning even paler)You don't deserve the title of Dark Lord, you mortal upstart! I was the primary incarnation of evil in Middle-Earth for millennia. YOU had a brief period of dominance in the Nineteen-EIGHTIES! Boy, THOSE were sure the Dark Years.
Voldemort: OH! Well, Mr. Lidless Black Eye, I have a newsflash for you: Middle-Earth BLOWS!
Sauron: (Ignoring Voldemort) Now what was so evil about the Eighties? Oh yes! Margaret Thatcher! (shudders sarcastically)
Voldemort: (Ignoring Sauron) What kind of Wizard was Gandalf, anyway? Did he ever do ANY magic, besides, oh, throwing flaming PINE CONES ?!
Sauron: The Falkland Islands! Oh the horror!
Voldemort: (getting desperate) And those Nazgul! Nice to know they're scared of a few torches!
Sauron: MTV! "Hair bands"! "RETURN OF THE JEDI"!
Sidious and Vader: HEY!
Sauron: Sorry.
Voldemort: Oh you're pitiful, you ring-dependent, nine-fingered, hobbit-humbled, half-wit excuse for a Necromancer!
Sauron: At least I haven't been repeatedly defeated by a boy named (snorts) Harry Potter! You never did tell us how you killed him. He got away and embarrassed you again, didn't he!
Voldemort: (standing in utter fury) And THIS is coming from a Dark Lord taken down by a hobbit of NO magical ability named-
Sauron: Don't even say it!
Voldemort: -Frodo BAGGINS?!?
Sauron: (now also standing in utter fury) Harry Potter is a much sillier name than Frodo Baggins!
Voldemort: Is not!
Sauron: Potter!
Voldemort: Baggins!
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen...
Sauron: Potter!
Voldemort: Baggins!
Sauron: Potter!
Voldemort: Baggins!
Dr. Evil: GENTLEMEN!
Sauron: POTTER!
Voldemort: BAGGINS!
Sauron: POTTER!!!
Voldemort: BAGGINS!!!!
Dr. Evil: Oh I frickin' give up! I'm out of here! (Dr. Evil leaves and slams the door behind him)
Sauron: Oh now look what you've done, you Dark Loser.
Voldemort: Good riddance! I'm powerful again, and I don't need a bloody therapist! And I sure as Mandos don't need any of YOU sods, you pathetic Dark Wannabes! YOU! (points at Sauron) You pathetic shadow of a shadow of a shadow of a Shadow! You've been reduces to a powerless spectre of weak fear and mild discomfort! Even Saruman's doing better than you now! Hell, that goofy X-men pterodactyl villain with the same name is more powerful than you! (points wand at Sauron) AVADA KEDAVRA!
(A bright green flash hits Sauron, but has no effect)
Sauron: (grinning) And what was THAT supposed to do?
Voldemort: (smirking) Nothing! 'Cause you're already dead, you git!
(Sauron's ghost trembles, livid with rage)
Morgoth: He's right, you know. You are a sad git.
Sauron: (shocked) MASTER!!
Morgoth: (shrugs) He's up, you're down. WAY down.
Voldemort: (points at Shabranigdu) YOU! I don't even know you, but you sure sound pathetic, Ruddy-Eye! (points at the Sith Lords) And YOU three! Masters of the "Dark Side" of the Farce! They should call you SHAFT Lords! You certainly spend enough time FALLING DOWN THEM!
(The Sith Lords stand up in anger. Darth Maul's top half falls off again and lands face down on the floor.)
Voldemort: The only one of you I respect is Morgoth! He had the sense to start the whole "Evil" thing! And he was beaten by equals with superior numbers, and even then, only after he'd dispersed most of his power through the world to pervert it to darkness.
Sauron: Oh shut your gob, you suck-up!
Sidious: I've had enough of this meddlesome Wizard! Vader! Destroy him!
(Darth Vader ignites his lightsaber and advances on Voldemort, but is blocked by Morgoth wielding Grond)
Morgoth: Back off, mortal. Voldemort's our last, best hope for Darkness.
Vader: Try and stop me, old man!
(meanwhile Darth Sidious is challenging Voldemort personally)
Sidious: I will teach you the true power of the Dark Side of the Force!
Voldemort: What are you going to do, prune face? Tickle me to death?
(Darth Sidious shoots lightning out of his fingers into Voldemort)
Voldemort: (on his knees, writhing in pain) YEeeaaaaAAArrrrGGGhh! (points wand at Sidious) Crucio!
Sidious: (now also howling in agony) AaaIIIeeiieaaaaaaaAA!!!!
(Morgoth is now swinging Grond at Darth Vader, who is parrying with his lightsaber and causing Grond to make huge pits in the floor. Darth Sidious is screaming in agony from the Cruciatus Curse but still delivering bolts of lightning into Lord Voldemort, who is spasming on the ground, surrounded by sparks, and getting kicked in the head by Darth Maul's detached lower body. Shabranigdu is moping in a corner, muttering something about, "stupid Giga Slave, should've seen it coming." Suddenly the door crashes down.)
Thing: IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME! (looks around) Oops, wrong room.
Human Torch: (tapping the Thing on the shoulder) Dr. Doom's down the other hall, Ben, with Lex Luthor, Ra's Al Ghul, Mojo Jojo, and Bill Gates!
Maul's Top Half: (still lying face down on the floor) Little help here?
Voldemort: THAT'S-AAR-IT! I'VE HAD-AAIIA-ENOUGH! (points wand at ceiling) DESTRUCTO MAXIMO!
(The entire "Villains Anonymous" building explodes in a tremendous fireball)
(Scene: Twenty minutes later, in Lord Voldemort's room in Riddle Manor. Wormtail is playing with Voldemort's action figures.)
Wormtail: (holding Voldemort's figure) No, please, master Wormtail, don't hurt me! (shaking his own figure) You've annoyed me for the last time, Voldie! Now DIE! (starts smashing his own figure's feet repeatedly on Voldemort's figure's back) Aah! No! No! Please! Stop! The pain!
(Suddenly Voldemort Apparates into the room, covered head to foot in soot)
Wormtail: AAAAAAH! (figures fly out of his hands) Master, I-I-I-
Voldemort: (sighs) I don't really want to know.
Wormtail: How was your meeting? (notices the soot) Master, what happened to you?!
Voldemort: I don't want to talk about it. (pauses) I'm going to bed, Wormtail. Goodnight. (walks towards the door)
Wormtail: But Master, THIS is your bedroom!
Voldemort: (pauses) I knew that. Now GET OUT!!
(Three minutes later the sounds of "Take that Sauron!", "Eat it, Emperor!" and "See you later, Vader!" are heard through Voldemort's closed door, accompanied by the savage smashing together of plastic action figures.)
END