HI I am going to update Lady in red soon. Ive done it just can't seem to forward it to Natsuyori who has agreed to be a beater reader for me. Yeah my English won't suck as much. This is a random one shot fic yes it's short but it is worth the read. Don't own hp please don't sue. Lemon drop to those who review.

PS It's set in Hermione's POV when she is depressed and not really capble of thinking straight.

Have you ever wanted death? I Have. My name is Hermione granger and this is my story. I made a mistake and now it will haunt me for the rest of my life. The mistake I made was to fall in love. Most people would not say that it was a mistake to love but they are wrong. When there is war on the worst thing you can do is allow the enemy a weakness and I fell straight into there hands.

His name was Severus Snape. He was a loyal and kind man. Though regretfully not many knew the real Severus they saw his front he played. The cruel dungeons master who liked no one and only praised Slytherins as they where almost as cruel as him yet I saw the real man.

Severus wasn't cruel to be cruel he was cruel to keep people alive. He was a member of the order of the phoenix a spy for the order. One night he came from a death eater meeting he sat on the lounge couch in Grimmuand place. I had been up all night revising and crept down for a drink when I saw the professor still on the couch. He was facing the fire with his head in his hands. To this day I have know idea what possessed me to do what I did next. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at me. His eyes where filed with pain. He looked like a little boy who lost is mum. I spent the rest of the night holding him letting him cry.

I almost wish that I could of held him like that forever but I can't. I have to go on. No matter how much I want to be with him others need me as well. Everyone is at a loss now the war has ended it will be a long time before people can get on with there lives. My only wish is that it was him getting on with his life. To finally show the real him. He is dead. I am alive. Fate is cruel but at least I knew him. Held him made love to him. But why did it have to be him.

I remember one night we went for a walk bye the lake and we stayed out all night. He awoke me as the sun was rising and the horizon was full of morning colours. "It's amazing." I said looking onto the sunrise. I felt a soft brush against my ear as he whispered "not as amazing as you.'

I remember the time we had a Hogsmaid weekend and instead I went down to his chambers to help brew wolfbane potion. We spend all day brewing together until the sun had set and the light was almost gone still we talked together. We talked about nothing important yet it was important to us. We shared are first kiss that night. I was so magical. So memorable why couldn't it last. Why couldn't he have stayed.

I remember that night. He stood tall and was killing death eaters here there and everywhere. He was protected by the shadows. The same shadows that had kept him hostage in all the years he played his part. Then a man grabbed me from behind I screamed and he looked up. He was the man attacking me and left the safety of where the shadows. He was to busy focusing on getting to me he didn't see the fatal curse being sent at him. He didn't see the death eater release me and he didn't hear my cry.

I will remember him. I wish I could be with him. But I must live on I will live. For him. I need him if only I could just hold him one more time maybe I wouldn't feel this pain. Maybe I could say goodbye.