Amazing song, hope the fic does justice to it. :) Enjoy!
You wake up
With an empty hand
A roaring sound, deep as memory and loud as thunder woke him. He didn't sit up right away. He lay there for a moment, absorbing that roar, letting it fill him up and make him feel complete for the first time in more years than he cared to recall.
He wondered which lucky someone those people were cheering for this time. He hadn't taken much time the night before to examine the list that was tacked on the door of the building he took his shelter near. Must have been someone big. The people were still cheering, and didn't sound as if they were stopping anytime soon.
He took a breath and smiled. Even if his imagination would only let him picture himself there for a minute or two, it was worth it nearly every time. Dragging himself to his feet off of that cold alleyway pavement, he peered to his right through the darkness of after hours. The doors into the concert hall were wide open. He contemplated sneaking in, but decided against it. It wasn't worth getting kicked out again.
Some cruel kind of torture he had endured for way too long. Being so near a reality that he had lived, himself, James Diamond, the ex pop star, and not being able to so much as feel sorry for himself because of losing it.
You never had a choice
Of where your life began
He thought back to that day in the Minnesota cold, where his dream of a lifetime had been made an ever glorious reality. When the prospect of singing with those boys he loved so much, his brothers, had seemed so exciting. When they were naive and hadn't a care except for making sure their homework got in on time. When they were all much too young.
He supposed that maybe that had been it. They just weren't ready. They had relied too much on every one else to figure things out for them. In the end, being gullible and trusting had snuffed out the fire of success all too quickly.
But thinking back, even though the choice had been decided for them, even though everyone else forced them into it all when they thought they were ready, even though they were too young to take on Hollywood and fame, after being sheltered for so long, he wouldn't have changed one single aspect of that part of his life.
Because you learn from your mistakes, no matter how much they take away from you.
Where you sleep
Is covered by the stars
He looked up, through the smog and the clouds and the overhang of buildings. He saw a single star able to keep shining. Was that how life was? Only a few can have it all? The rest simply are snuffed out? Forced to go back to a way of life they swore they would never even consider again? Even going back once in the midst of it all had simply been too much for him to think about.
So how was he here, homeless, with nothing but a foolish hope and bits of stars still gleaming in his eyes?
Cause you don't have a home
Where are you going?
Where will you go?
And for the first time in ages, he ached to see them all again. To see Carlos and Kendall and Logan. To go home. But that part of his life was much too far behind him for him to look back. He couldn't go back. Not now. Not ever.
What would he even say? What could he say? "Hey, sorry I know it's been five years, but I really am tired of getting rained on, and I need a place to bunk, and could you please just forgive me and let me back in your lives?"
Not happening. Five years is a long time.
As you run, run, run, run, run
Looking for something that is gone
He went to auditions almost every week, trying to get a record deal, an acting role, anything that could get him back on the fast track. The first year after Big Time Rush had big time failed, he had received a lot of pitying looks from friends and acquaintances when he had refused to go back to Minnesota and kept trying for record deals. Gustavo off the map, Griffin indifferent to what he became, he hadn't been able to do anything but take to the streets, and rely on word of mouth and street corners to give him back what fate had taken away.
And even when they had finally left him, he hadn't paid any mind.
He was blind and deaf to anything that wouldn't help him get what he wanted.
Blinded by the lies that you don't see
You're not alone
What people always say you don't have to be
"I can't stay here," he thought, as his thoughts threatened to eat him alive. He hadn't thought this much about his old life in a long time. He got up and left his alley, left the cold and the dank, for the semi-dry, pollution tainted, artificially lighted sidewalks of the world outside. He walked. And walked and walked and walked. And he thought long and hard as he did, trying to possibly reevaluate the position he was in.
So he was living in an alley, next to one of the biggest concert halls in L.A, with one meal a day if he was lucky, and no real place to call home. He was hundreds of miles away from the place everyone thought he should be, they of course not realizing his need to stay and try with every left in him to reach the pinnacle he had once attained. He had no connections, and absolutely no one who would help him back to the top. He had to steal clothes and cleanliness from anywhere he knew he wouldn't get caught doing so, and was constantly having to fight his way through muggers and rapists and people who would, quite frankly, be willing to kill him for the few cents cradled in the pocket of his jacket.
Well, life just plain SUCKS sometimes.
Run, run, run
Where are you going to?
Turn, turn, turn
The truth is calling you
Let me hear you say
Love is on the way
Something hit him as hard as a ton of bricks. So hard, he didn't where to look or where to turn, or even if it was real, and not just a figment of his now degenerate mind.
But suddenly he knew a pair of dark eyes, and a smile he just couldn't say no to. Not ever.
If there was one good memory, something he knew would have made everything about his life seem perfectly alright, it was connected to that scent. Light and fresh, with barely a hint of something fuller.
People pushed past him, muttering swear words and "get out of the way, man, what are you blind?"s. He didn't hear any of it. By the time he had come back to reality, the sidewalk was empty and the scent that had triggered such a reaction from him was gone.
He shook his head and moved on, his eyes straight ahead. The feeling the memories triggered had gone. Had replaced that warm, deep, intoxicatingly sweet feeling that he knew all too well.
"Do you remember?" his mind mocked him. "Do you remember, James? How it feels to be in love?"
He did. But more than the feeling, he remembered the girl, the feel of her up against his body, and the taste of her name on his tongue.
He almost said it. Her name was coming up from his throat, but he didn't dare say it. He choked it back down, and swallowed extra hard to be doubly sure.
"You can't see her now, James. She won't remember you, and you know it'll only make it hurt more. Just move on and forget."
But by the time it started raining, and that single star was drowned out in clouds overshadowing the cursed city, that boulevard of broken dreams, he knew that he never would.
And he never even looked up, not even once. So he didn't see the small brunette dressed in a thin jacket, soaking wet, who stared after him as if she hadn't quite forgot either. As if she couldn't believe her eyes.
I wake up
To reality
She sat up in the huge bed that took up most of the bedroom where she had taken her rest that night. Light flooded through the thin linen of the curtains, and played patterns on the white of the sheets and the pale of her skin.
It was the kind of morning every one describes as "perfect". The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the sky was that clear clear blue that makes you want to smile. She was in a great part of her life.
With a cold.
She sniffed her runny red nose. "Why did I have to go out last night? In the rain, and the cold..."
She sniffed again. "Ugh..." She groaned at the calender, which was telling her she had a full day of auditions booked.
"The life of an actress is demanding," her father had told her once. "You just have to believe in yourself, and know that the best you can do is always good enough."
Well, now she believed that she would NOT get any parts today unless she got some DayQuil and some nasal spray.
She dragged herself out of bed, and set her feet on the cold hardwood of her one room apartment. Twenty-three, she never thought she'd be here. She thought she'd be a celeb already.
"Dreams don't always work out, I suppose," she mumbled, rubbing her neck, and taking precisely three steps to her right to her coffee machine, faithful as usual in it's programming, poured herself a steaming cup.
She sipped it as she rifled through her medicine cabinet. She chugged the barely one tablespoon of DayQuil that was inside the little bottle, and sniffed up some nasal spray. Showering and getting dressed, she prepared herself mentally for her first audition of the day.
And now it's calling me
To be the kind of hope you're looking for
She made it to two o'clock before she crashed. You could only get so much energy from three hours of sleep, prior to which you got caught in the rain, so she excused herself, rewrote herself as last on the queue, and rested her head comfortably on her knees, drawn up to her chest.
But as quickly as she had dumbed down, she perked back up.
"James is next. James Diamond."
She looked around frantically. He stood slowly. He hadn't seen her yet. He seemed very conscious of his hair, which wasn't perfect, and the few small holes in his cast-off looking jeans. She just stared at him, willing his eyes to her. She opened her mouth, but her tongue felt leaden and thick.
"See me! I'm here!" she wanted to scream. But her legs wouldn't move, and all the noise she made were a few breathy sighs. He walked into the audition room, and didn't even look her way.
But I am here
And you're so far away
She sank down dejectedly, wanting more than anything to cry her eyes out. "How could he not have seen me?" she thought sadly. "I thought when you're in love, you can sense the other person.
"You may be in love with him Camille, but he may have moved on. It's been five years. A lot can happen..." She tried to remember seeing a wedding ring on his finger, but she couldn't recall.
"He'll come back out," her mind told her. "You can still catch him."
So she kept her eyes glued to the door he had walked through, and waited in complete stillness until it opened again. But James didn't walk out.
"Sam is next. Sam Benson."
"But-" she floundered out loud. Nearly everyone in the silent room turned to her.
With all those eyes on her, she did the only thing she knew to. She acted.
"What do you MEAN, Sam is next? I've been here for HOURS, and what do I get? Nothing!" she yelled. Pretty pathetic in her eyes, but the lady seemed to be buying it.
"Alright, then. What is your name?"
"Camille. Camille is my name," she replied haughtily.
"Well, Camille, you seem to be last on this list. So I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to sit back down and wait your turn."
She sat back down. But only halfway. "Where did he go?" she said quietly.
"Who?"
"James. Diamond."
"I'm afraid he was not eligible for this role. We had to escort him outside."
"The back way? How do I get there?" She stood up quickly, her script sliding off her lap onto the floor.
Everyone was looking at her as if they knew she was mentally insane, even if she didn't know it herself.
"Well, you just go out the front and walk around until you get to the back. There will be a door. A door," the lady said, slowly and clearly, and if she thought Camille was a tard, instead of a fabulous actress in one of life's crises.
She walked, quite dignified, out of the building, at which point she took off at breakneck speed to the back entrance. She saw a figure dressed in old jeans and a leather jacket standing there, like someone who should go back to the age of innocence and youth, like someone who doesn't look good sad.
James hadn't changed at all. He was still amazingly beautiful, and the only thing that might have betrayed the fact that years had passed was the stubble now forming on his chin and the increased length of his hair.
She didn't know what to say. Her courage almost failed her.
No. No more wishing, no more waiting. This happens now.
There's no more time to waste
No longer waiting, I'm ready to go
"James."
Their eyes met, hazel with brown. And it was like nothing had changed. In fact, she didn't see any reason not to go up to him, fling her arms around his neck and kiss him full on the mouth.
The better sense she possessed told her not to. She listened.
He walked slowly up to her.
This was impossible. It couldn't be. One second he was getting kicked out of the audition, the next she was before him, so familiar, so memorable. He felt as if it would be wrong to take her in his arms, like he so desperately wanted.
"Are you here?" James asked her.
Her smile faltered. "Am I- am I here?"
"Punch me."
"What, James- what on earth-"
"I'm dreaming, you have to punch me! But I don't wanna wake up! So don't punch me. But it'll hurt too much if I stay..." He pounded his head with his fists.
"James," she said gently, prying his arms down away from his face.
She was real. This was real. Ghosts couldn't touch you, dreams didn't feel like this.
"Camille," he breathed, as she pressed his fingers to her lips.
"Where have you been?" she asked, as silent tears chased each other down her face.
He was called back to the fact that he had left her. He had left her, oh stupid, stupid James! How could he have ever left her?
"I'm sorry," he said, wiping her tears away. "I- I wanted to see if I could..."
"It's all gone James, all gone. The band, the guys everything! Don't you want to be with them again?"
"I do, but I want this too! I want to be a rock-star! I wanna be famous..." he said softly.
"James look at me. Please, just forget it. Come home. We've been waiting for so long!"
"I need this life."
"What life? You have no life here! It's just you all alone in a big cruel city! Don't you wish you had someone to comfort you once in a while?" She was raising her voice, and James immediately felt guilty.
"I have to know I didn't give up!" he shouted at her. Then he turned away, and tried to hide the fact that his eyes were welling up with tears.
She went very silent, and dropped his hands which she had been so forcefully gripping. She stepped away.
"You didn't," she said. "You did all you could."
As you run, run, run, run, run
Looking for something that is gone
Blinded by the lies that you don't see
You're not alone
What people always say you don't have to be
He shook his head. "I have to keep trying..."
"James, sometimes we can't have the things we want. Life changes all the time. You can't expect everything to just go back to the way it was."
"I can't leave. Not now. I may be close, closer than before!"
She sighed in a frustrated sort of way. "I can't help you James. If you won't help yourself." She didn't look away from him. She just drunk in his face. "Will you leave again now? Will you just disappear? Will I ever see you again after today?"
"I want to be OK again, Camille. Don't give up on me. Or I might, and then I don't know what I'd do."
She was so tempted to just kiss him and kiss him, and never stop. But he was so obviously delusional about what was happening, that... was there really anything she COULD do for him?
"I'm not crazy, Camille."
She blushed. So he could still read her mind huh?
So she shot back by confronting him where she knew she would hit home. "So you care more about Hollywood than about me or the guys or your family back in Minnesota, then?"
"You DON'T understand Camille. You haven't gone through what I have!" he yelled.
"Oh really? Because for the past five years I've been trying to get an acting gig, with absolutely NO success! And you wanna know what? I go and visit my family once a MONTH in Connecticut! I'm getting ready to go to a dramatic arts school, and I know that if I didn't, I might be like you!"
Run, run, run
Where are you going to
Turn, turn, turn
The truth is calling you
Let me hear you say
"No more running, Diamond," her eyes said.
James merely gaped at her.
She looked him straight in the eye. "I will never give up my dream, James. But one dream CAN'T rule your whole life. You need family and friendship to help you along the way. You know, family is the only reason I haven't lost my mind yet?"
He almost smiled. "So I've lost MY mind?"
"It looks that way."
He laughed. Then he rubbed his eyes.
"At least let me give you a place to stay for tonight," she prodded.
He looked at her uncertainly. "You're not gonna try and make me go back to Minnesota?"
She shook her head, and crossed her heart.
He looked very unsure.
"Oh come ON! You'd rather be homeless than just spend ONE night under a real roof?"
"OK! I'll come, just don't kill me," he muttered.
Her emotions ran back in line quickly, and her mind cleared. This was the first step. Maybe a few phone calls, hearing their voices again, would make him want to go home. And she would go with him. She was never letting him go ever again. She grabbed his hand just to be sure.
"I'm glad I found you again, Camille."
"So am I," she said quietly, sighing in relief.
He looked at her closely, and then he kissed her, long and hard, as if to say how sorry he was for how dumb he had been.
Love is on the way
Think I pulled it off? Review! :D
xoxoxoxo
~Starbucks