Closure and Healing
Ok, this is my second fanfic, it's longer than I expected. Not sure about the name and the summary, it may have little sense with the quotes I chose, but I'm going for it.
Hopefully this one would have more reviews than my first one, "Falling in love", which had, well, none, although I do very much thank to CharlotteBurke for adding it to her favorite stories, it's nice to know somebody liked it.
Let me know what you think, I really want to improve my writing, but I need some sort of advice, please.
Sorry for any mistake made, but I'm still learning English... Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Over a year since her dead, Aaron receives the closure he desperately needs from the only person who can heal him.
"With what a deep devotedness of woe
I wept thy absence - o'er and o'er again
Thinking of thee, still thee, till thought grew pain,
And memory, like a drop that, night and day,
Falls cold and ceaseless, wore my heart away!"
Thomas Moore
/
"Aaron."
The sound of his name moved through his dizzy and clouded mind.
"Aaron."
He opened his eyes. The sight in front of him confused him even more as he stood in a too familiar place… their home.
"Aaron."
He heard again, this time he recognized the soft and gentle voice calling him. A voice he could never forget. He turned around and the air left his lungs when he saw the person standing just a few steps away.
"Haley." She smiled kindly at him. Hotch couldn't believe what he was seeing. She was dead. He heard the gunshots. He saw her covered in her own blood. He held her lifeless body. But she was there and she looked so… alive.
"Is it really you?" He had to ask. He had dreamed with her sometimes, more like nightmares and it was every night, but she was different from those 'dreams', her clothes were the same from that grim day but there was no blood in it, and hair was blond again.
"It is me." She said. For some strange reason, it was enough to convince him this was more than a dream.
"Am I dead?"
"No, you're not." She responded. "But you need to go back before is too late." She told him with urge in her tone.
"What happened?" He asked, trying to make sense of everything.
"You don't remember?"
"I..." It suddenly hit him.
They were working on a case of a missing teenager girl taken from her own home in Charleston, South Caroline. They were interviewing possible witnesses in the same neighborhood were the girl lived. Morgan with Prentiss, Rossi with Reid, and Hotch by himself. He always tries that none of them is alone in the field, but with JJ's departure, and Garcia not being a field agent, they were a man down, and they were just interviewing, nothing was supposed to go wrong. Of course, he, from all, should have known better.
There was something odd about the guy he was talking to; physically, he looked like any ordinary guy, his house looked like any ordinary house, and there was nothing special in the way he behaved. At least for any other person there would be nothing special, but Hotch was a professional, with years of experience, and he could feel something wasn't right, but he had not proof, there was no probable cause to arrest him nor to get a warrant to register his house, so he left the house and called Garcia for more information about this guy.
When he was about to open the door of the SUV, a cry was heard from one of the windows upstairs, he told Garcia to call the others as he ran into the house.
With gun in hand he approached to the room, he entered and pointed to the unsub who was threatening with a gun the girl lying on the floor. Hotch ordered him to drop his weapon, but instead he raised his gun to the agent.
Two gunshots were heard almost simultaneously. Morgan and Prentiss were the first to arrive; the unsub was lying next to the girl, killed by a gunshot in the head while Hotch was lying closer to the door with a wound in the chest.
He had been reckless. He should have waited for backup, but the cry made his parental instincts emerge. It had never happened before, except when he had to save his own child.
"Jack." He breathed. He looked at her again. "You most think I'm an awful father."
"Of course not." She replied smiling like it was the silliest thing she ever heard. "You're a great father; you just need to be more careful."
"I should have..." He started, but she cut him off.
"What? Let the girl get hurt? If you had let that happen, you wouldn't be the man Jack knows you are." She was right, he would never forgive himself if the girl had died only for following the protocol, and he could not live with another regret, he already has too many.
He stared at her. Whenever he allowed himself to think in the next time he'd see her, he always imagined taking her in his arms again, asking for her forgiveness, showing her how much he had missed her, and how much he had loved her.
Now, consequence of his physical and mental state or an afterlife experience. Real or not. She was in front of him, and he froze, afraid if he did the slightest movement everything will vanish and she will be gone again.
"I'm so sorry." It was all he could say now, losing count of how many times he has repeated those words.
"It wasn't you." She said, knowing what he was referring to and feeling in his words all the guilt and all the pain.
"It was because of me." If he had made the deal... Foyet wanted to hurt him.
"I don't blame you."
"I failed you."
"You didn't, you saved my boy." Jack was, is the most important, and he saved him.
"I got you killed." His voice a mere whisper.
"It wasn't you." Her voice at the same level as his.
"I'm so sorry."
"It wasn't you."
"I'm so sorry..."
"It wasn't you..."
/
The rest of the BAU team was in the hospital waiting room. It had only been forty-five minutes since their Unit Chief entered to the operating room, but it felt like an eternity.
Morgan was walking from side to side. He has never being the type of guy who just wait, but now is all he can do.
Prentiss was sitting on one of the chairs playing with her nails and moving her foot impatiently. She needed to know that her boss will be ok.
Garcia was next to her, sitting straight with her hands in her lap, almost paralyzed by the fear. She was the only one that had let the tears fall.
Reid was leaning against the wall with hands in his pockets and his head down, trying not to think too much.
Rossi was standing in front of the window, but not paying attention at the view, his thoughts are solely with his friend. He was with him in the ambulance, and it didn't look good.
Five very worried agents were in the hospital waiting room. Hoping, praying, begging that tragedy don't fall all over again.
/
"Aaron you need to go back."
She repeated but Hotch wouldn't listen. It was too painful seeing what their home had become. No furniture, no frames in the walls, just empty rooms once full of laughter, joy and love, now seared with tragedy and death.
Standing right on the spot where she was murdered and her next to him, Aaron closed his eyes. He could sense everything she felt that moment. It was overwhelming; all her courage, her strength, her fear, her sadness, her love for Jack.
"It's not fair. It's not right." He said just above a whisper.
"I have already accepted." She spoke with a sigh. She had accepted the moment she hugged her son for the last time, and she could take it, as long as Jack was safe, she could take it.
Aaron looked at the woman he shared a lifetime with, his eyes, usually full of strength, were now full of sadness and regret.
"There're so many things I have to tell you."
"You don't need to." She assure him. She knew what he wanted to say, what he felt. She felt the same when Foyet told her that Aaron was dead. At the time she had to be strong for Jack, but she felt like a part of her soul was ripped away. She felt the painful regret of things she did and said, and of things she didn't do nor said.
"Our marriage." He said as a statement.
"We both made mistakes."
He has carried the weight of their failed marriage all by himself, and while the biggest reason was his job and the order of his priorities, she can't deny that he really tried to make it work, beacuse he did, they both did, and they both failed.
"All I ever wanted is for you to be happy." He had promised when he proposed and when they married that he would do everything to make her happy. He knows he broke many promises, but not this one; he was going to make sure she was happy, even if he was not part of it.
"I know. That's why you let me go, because you thought I would be better without you." Tears start to pool in her eyes, "and I let you believe that..." Her voice cracked, "... and I'm sorry."
He caressed her cheek with his hand in, gently wiping a tear that managed to fall and she tilted her face into his warm hand like she always did before.
"You were right. I was never there. I always had to leave."
"You always came back to me. Always."
Every time he came back from a case, he hugged her, kissed her and told her he loved her like he had never done it before. It assured her that he was still hers, that she was his home, that while he saved many other people, she saved him. But she was so angry when he went to that case that she forgot he always came back to her.
"Why you didn't come back to me?" She put her hand on his, still resting in her cheek.
"I asked you to change, to stop being who you are and that's wrong, because you would not be the man I loved."
"You let me go." She nodded. After she left him and the anger started to fade away, she spent hours thinking whether it's was mistake or not, whether it was what she wanted or not. God Knows she loved him with all her be, there was no doubt about it, but her love equaled the pain of watching him go every time. And whenever he was able to spend time at home, there was always the constant reminder that in some moment he would get a call and someone else would need him more, someone would be more important.
And she couldn't ask him to have a 9 to 5 life. She had known him for years; he has always been very passionate about what he does, always trying to do the right thing, always trying to help others, to save others. How could she ask him to have an ordinary life, when he wasn't an ordinary man?
"There are so many things I wish we could have done different." She said, closing her eyes as he rested his forehead on hers.
"Me too." He replied quietly.
/
It had been more than two hours since they arrived, nobody had said anything to them, and they have been quiet with each other the entire time.
"Garcia, you called Jessica?" Rossi broke the silence.
"No, I didn't." Garcia said trying to fight the tears "I think is better to wait until Hotch is out of danger, we don't need to worry her if we don't have to."
"Baby girl." Morgan said sympathetic. "We need to tell her, in case that Hotch..."
"No Morgan. He is not going to die." Garcia cut him off raising her voice. "I got shot. Reid got shot. Elle got shot. We all survived. Hotch is so much stronger that three of us together. He will survive."
Morgan rested his hand in her shoulder and she put her own on his and squeezed it tightly.
No one said anything else.
/
"Aaron, you need to go back." She said again as she leaned in the doorframe of the master bedroom looking at him standing in the hallway a few steps away.
"I found you there." He said staring behind her shoulder.
"I know." She replied softly.
"You were already..."
"I know." She said again, never taking away her eyes from him.
He locked eyes with her. "I found you dead in there… in our bedroom."
She gazed inside the room. "Here we spent so many times loving each other. Here we made our son. It was here I told you we were going to be parents." She looked back at him and extended her hand inviting him to join her. He hesitated for an instant before walking closer to her and took her hand. "There is so much happiness in here." She told him with a melancholic smile on her face.
/
"You know..." Rossi spoke, not looking away from the window. "I taught him about profiling, hostage negotiating, interrogation techniques, and all that kind of stuff. But he taught me something much more important." He looked at each one of the team members. "He taught me how to be part of a team. Be part of a family... I don't think I ever thanked him for that."
For every one of them, Rossi was right; Hotch is the one who made the team. For Morgan, it was thanks to Hotch that he met people he can really trust. For Prentiss, it was thanks to him she found where she belongs. For Reid, it was thanks to Hotch, he has the family he always wanted.
"He told me I was unique." Garcia added after a moment of silence passed, smiling at the memory.
/
They walked with their hands tangled to the center of the bedroom, empty as the rest of the house. He felt her arms around his back and resting her head on his chest. It was a feeling he has been longing for so long. He hugged her back with his chin leaning on top of her head.
"Aaron, you need to go back." She repeated again those words that were as hard for her to say them as it was for him to hear them. He didn't say anything, only replying by hugging her tighter, enjoying their closeness and the quietness, remembering the last time he had her that close. "You made me a promise." She spoke quietly.
"I know." He promised to show Jack that good still exists, that love exists, and that it's the most important thing. "I'm trying."
She looked up at him. "Jack's not the only one who needs to believe in love."
She didn't want him to lock his heart out. She wanted him to be happy, the same way he did for her. She wanted him to find someone who would love him like she did and who would be with him like she couldn't.
"You are the love of my life."
It has always been her. Since the moment he saw her in the theater club, even when they were just friends, even after their divorce, even after her death, it has always been her. He can't imagine anyone else who can make him laugh like she used to, who can make him feel at peace like she used to, who can make him feel love like she still does.
"And we had a wonderful life, and a wonderful love, our little boy is the proof of it." She put her hand in his cheek like he did earlier. "But someday you would have to start a new life, a new love." She smiled softly. "I promise, I won't think you loved me any less."
He pressed a soft kiss in her forehead as she moved her arms around his neck. They just stayed there, standing in the middle of their bedroom, close to each other.
/
Finally, after more than four hours, the surgeon came.
He told them that Hotch was a very lucky man. If the bullet had hit any higher or lower, or help had been any late, he probably wouldn't make it.
He told them there was a complication and that they almost lose him, but they could bring him back because his will to live was strong and because he was a fighter.
He told them what they'd been hoping for, their unit chief, their leader, their friend, survived and he was coming back.
/
"Aaron, you need to go back." She whispered in his ear.
They were sitting in the floor of the bedroom, Aaron resting his back in the wall, eyes closed with his arms around her waist as she sat on his lap, her arm around his shoulders with her other hand stroking his hair and her forehead resting on his temple.
"No yet." He whispered back, feeling in her touch all the peace he desperately needed.
"It's time."
"I already lost you twice. I don't want to lose you again." He said. "I can't lose you again."
Pulling back she cupped his face in her hands, making him look straight in her eyes. "You have never lost me." She wanted to make sure he knew that, because no matter what happened between them, her heart has always belonged to him. "Ok?" He nodded in understanding.
It was time. He needed to go back with Jack. He needed to let her go again. "Jack loves you, don't forget it."
"I won't... Always tell him I love him..." Tears started to fall again, but this time not for sadness or pain. This time they were tears of the overwhelming love that just a mother could feel for her child. "... and I'm very proud of him."
"I will."
He leaned closer to her, their lips almost touching. "I love you, Haley." He said barely above a whisper as a single tear dews his cheek.
"I love you too, Aaron."
He slowly caught her lips in his.
It was sweet and tender like their first kiss all those years ago, but with the passion and the experience of all those years spent together.
It wasn't a goodbye kiss because deep down, they could never say goodbye.
It was a kiss to show how much they have missed each other.
To show how much they have loved each other.
/
Six months later…
He had received the call that morning. He had made the decision a month after he returned, it wasn't easy but he thought it was for the best, this was the next step. He only needed to sign and it was a done deal.
The house where they planned to raise their kid, to be a family, to spend the rest of their life together, where they placed all their dream and hopes, was going to be somebody else. Another family will place their dreams and hopes there, rooms will be filled with new memories, hopefully happy ones, and hopefully it would lead to happy endings.
Walking by every room, melancholy took over him. Every little spot had a story, every wall, every corner, every stair.
"The stairs." He chuckled. When they moved, they were so happy and excited, they couldn't even make it to the bedroom, so the stairs was the first place they made love in their new house.
He went upstairs, passing by his son's old room, his old study, and stopping in the doorway of their bedroom.
The logical part of him still wasn't sure if what happened was real. But the other part, the part that made him fall in love at first sight, the part that would make him do everything for his son, the part that was broken in little pieces when he lost her, that part was sure it was true. That she forgave him, that she missed him too, that she loved him too.
Because when he woke up that day six months ago, the peace he felt with her was still there, and something he had lost time ago came back with him. He felt hope.
He still feels like a broken man. He still feels like a part of him was taken away. The pain was still there, and probably it would never go away entirely. But as days passes by, the hope she provided him, makes everything gets better, makes it hurt a little less.
Proof is that he could stand in the place where he found her and let a small smile appears, because this time, her dead wasn't the image in his mind. This time was their last moment together along with all the memories she named, because she was right, there's so much happiness in there.
He hadn't told anyone about his 'experience', nobody except Jack. He told him that his mommy visited him in a dream when he got hurt and that she had a message for him, a message he promised to deliver every day.
His phone rang, bringing him out of his thoughts. Looking at screen, he smiled and answered. "Hey, buddy!"
"Daddy! Are you coming soon?"
"Yeah, I'll be there in a bit, I just needed to do something first."
"Good, Aunt Jessica made Mac&Cheese for dinner."
"That sounds great! I better hurry before you finish all."
"Yeah!"
"Ok, I'll be right there. Love you."
"Love you too, daddy. Bye."
"Bye." He put his phone in his pocket and looked around again.
"I love you, sweetheart. Don't forget it." He whispered before making his way outside, ready to go to the new house he bought for him and Jack, ready to start a new life, like she told him. The new love? Well, that may still take a little while.
Driving down the street, he glanced in the rear-view mirror and took a last look to their old home. "Home? No, it just a house."
Because home is not made of walls, doors and windows. Home is made of love. A love that walls, doors and windows can't contain. A love that neither life nor death can vanish.
And the love they felt for each other and for their son, it's too great to fit in just a house and too strong to end in life or in death.
/
"Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight."
Rossiter Worthington Raymond