Author Note – This is for a guest reviewer who requested I write more Rollaro, this may not be what they had in mind but if you squint there's a tiny bit here. Please enjoy and let me know any thoughts.
Welcome to the World
What the hell were you thinking? Truth is you weren't.
This is a moment you never envisioned, never thought you would experience. Your mind is blank. Or maybe it's protecting you from all the emotions you think you should be feeling.
Two tiny eyes stare back at you and you're mesmerised by the tiny life you're solely responsible for. You don't know what to expect or what going to happen. You try to smile but it's forced. She scrunches her nose and you stop automatically afraid you've caused her any discomfort when in your head you know she can't clearly see you and you're just a pink blob on her peripheral vision.
She knows your voice though; you've spoken to her several times, sometimes without realising it. You feared the worst when she screamed her way into the world and fought against the nurse's grip. Your eyes followed them as they neared you but didn't quite comprehend the significance of what was happening because you were worried something was wrong because your daughter wouldn't stop crying. Then she was placed on your chest and your arms instinctively encased her. You don't remember what you said, if it was anything important and life changing or if it was just soothing nonsense, but she quietened immediately.
She's passed all of her tests and the doctor is pleased with her. It's you they're worried about and your detachment. You're not. You really aren't. But it will take a lot to convince them with the way you're behaving. You are terrified of failing her or not being what she needs. You have no clue what to do with children, to you the younger they are, the scarier they are.
What were you thinking when you thought you could do this? You have a child. A daughter. And she's looking at you like she's you're her whole world and right now you are. You're her source of warmth, comfort and food. She is relying on you and it scares the hell out of you. It's life or death. Like your job. It's the same but at the same time completely different from any situation you've found yourself in on the job. Only this time you don't have a partner to back you up and you have to make the right decision because she might get hurt from the fall out.
Of course he offered to help, his intensions were right. You were touched, you really were, but you have your doubts of his offer to be on a plane in an hour if you call. Murphy has been a good guy to you but the job is his life and nothing else even comes close. He may think it's his responsibility but a child doesn't really fit into his lifestyle. You don't expect any help from him or know if you'll ever see him again. He may get hurt or die overseas and you'll probably never know. You don't even know what you'll tell your daughter about him or can't even hope they'll have a relationship. He's asked you to keep him updated and you'll do your best but you have your doubts whether it'll foster any connection between them. If it does, you're sure it'll be one sided.
It was just one weekend and you were both drunk for the most of it. Now you can admit you may have been looking to recreate the same feeling you had the first time you and Nick tumbled into your bed. Instead it was awkward in the morning as he quietly collected his clothes as you lay curled away from him, refusing to watch and you ended up hating yourself and Murphy for such a ridiculous fuck up.
You never thought you would have a child, you have too much baggage you never wanted to pass on. In hindsight you should have expected it. Everything was going too well. Your career was back on track and your personal life was drama free and you were truly happy for the first time in a long time, if ever. Nick had left but you were okay with that, it was the right time to let that go and neither one of you harboured any bad feelings about how things ended.
"It's not Nick's."
You said it to Carisi and Olivia and yourself without preamble because there was no point trying to deny it. They would have asked anyway and you didn't want the news of your pregnancy to reach Nick before you were ready. The first time you saw that small cross on the pregnancy test you prayed she was conceived on Nick's last night in the city where you allowed him to see how much you would miss him, all under the guise of being drunk. You knew all the prayers were for naught and you knew she was conceived at least six weeks later during a moment of weakness when you actually were drunk. You wish she was Nick's. It wouldn't have been easier but you know he would have done everything he could to help even if his life was across the country.
"I'm pregnant," you whisper into the receiver. Your declaration is met with silence and you waited for him to respond because you had no idea what else you had to say.
"Is it mine?" Nick asks eventually.
Your exhale comes out more as a sob. You wish you had a different answer. "No."
Silence.
There were never any promises between you but you know you hurt him. You don't know how long it lasts, it seems longer than it probably is but eventually Nick starts talking. The shock and disappointment you think you hear in his voice is directed at your spectacular knack for making bad decisions. He doesn't ask who the father was or maybe he assumes you don't know. Instead he asks all the questions you don't know the answer to and you make a mental note to ask your doctor at your next appointment because you want to give him the answers if he ever calls you back, you want him to know you're going to be a good mother.
There are nights when you replay that conversation over and over and wish it had gone differently. To your surprise Nick did call you back and apologised for the way he spoke to you. It was still strained but you both ignored it because neither of you wanted to give up on your friendship. This time you provided him with all the answers he wanted before and you were encouraged when you heard his smile through as he reinforced his place as your friend as he listened to you talk about impending motherhood and teased you when you refused to find out the sex of your baby, telling you the curiosity would kill you. He was right but you refused to find out lest you prove him right. You still talked often and he even sent you a few clothes for the baby.
You shake your head. You don't have a name for her yet and you never had one for her during your pregnancy. In your head you always thought of a girl when you thought of her. You don't have a name for your little girl. It feels like your first mistake when it's just the latest of many. Fin and Carisi took to referring to her as Bump during your pregnancy but it never felt right to you and your hand would always cover your protruding stomach protectively whenever they did and you smiled indulgently because you knew their name was out of love rather than teasing.
Love.
In your life it's been rare and you really don't want to pass that onto your daughter. You know your family aren't going to provide it. You haven't even phoned your mother to let her know her granddaughter arrived safely. You want to delay that conversation as long as possible even if you know it's inevitable because even your mother realises the baby won't stay inside you forever. You're glad she chose to return to Atlanta, you don't want to expose your daughter to her view of the world that often. The only source of love and compassion you can provide your child with stems from your work colleagues who all know more about children than you do. And you're glad it isn't your old ones back in Atlanta. You don't even want to think about how Patton would react if he could see you now or find out you slept with a man who was your mentor. You don't want him to even know about your daughter.
No. He won't spoil this moment.
Out in the hall you hear Carisi's muffled voice asking the nurse for directions to your room. Your head snaps up and your eyes bulge when you spy the huge pink balloon floating above his head. If anything has surprised you in the last few months, it's his support and your reaction to his support. He's been a friend in all the ways Nick is but it's different, it's brotherly. You know he's just gone through this with his sister and sometimes you wonder if he's telling you all the things he wants to say to her. After your mom left you were tempted to ask him to help during the birth. You didn't though. It would have destroyed the boundaries you still have. So you were all alone with the doctor and nurses.
Only you're not alone anymore. It's you and her for the rest of your life. Your eyes flit back down to your daughter as she looks up at you. She's so calm it's eerie. She's content just looking up at you, trusting you when you're not doing anything but looking back at her. It's nothing like you expected. Your hand on the edge of the cot dips and you experimentally run a finger across her tiny clenched fist. It opens automatically and she grips your finger tightly. All she wants is you and in that moment it's too much pressure. Your vision swims and a tear drops onto your joined hands. You don't want her to see you cry but you can't help it. You want to do so much for her but you don't think you're good enough. You don't want to let her go so you wipe your tears away with your free hand. You only have seconds to control your emotions before a quiet knock intrudes on your private moment.
Without waiting for a response, Carisi opens the door and pokes his head around it. His face goes blank when he sees the remnant of your tears. "You okay?"
"Yeah," you say forcing a smile. You're not. But suddenly you don't want to be alone right now.
Carisi frowns at you. He doesn't buy it for a second and he pauses when you weakly wave him in. Fortunately, Fin isn't so cautious as he pushes Carisi into the room. "Get in there Carisi, I want to meet my niece."
Your smile widens as Fin and Olivia follow your new partner carrying their own presents for you and the baby. You don't bother to explain your tears because they will see through any reason you give them. The men coo over the baby and Olivia stands at your side, craning her neck over you and smiling. You want to laugh that someone so tiny and new has four hardened cops completely in awe of her.
She will be loved. She is loved. You love her.
In a rare moment of physical comfort, Olivia's hand rests on your shoulder. You look up at her and she gives you a reassuring smile and her hand softly squeezes your shoulder. You try to smile back but it doesn't quite work and she pats your shoulder again in understanding. 'You can do this.' She won't ask if you're okay, she knows you're not. Instead she asks, "You have a name yet?"
"I was just thinking about it," you say as you inch closer to the cot and lift your daughter out. It still feels new and awkward to you. You hold her close and she barely bats an eye at the disturbance. You wish you had the confidence she has in you. "I would like to introduce you to Aimee Maddison Rollins."