Haymitch/Effie, post Mockingjay. My first ever fanfic. Wrote this a little while ago, after I read Sarah Kane's 4.48 Psychosis. Didn't have the courage to publish it first, but here you go...
M rated for depression and suicide. Don't read if it's not your cup of tea.
Characters belong to Suzanne Collins, I own nothing!
English is not my first language, mistakes are all mine.
I am guilty, I am being punished
I would like to kill myself
I used to be able to cry, but now I am beyond tears
- 4.48 Psychosis, Sarah Kane
She tries. She really does. She wants to get better. When people look at her, they think she is doing fine. Effie Trinket would like to believe that she is fine. She'd like to believe that the smile on her face is genuine, that it's really showing how she's feeling. But most of the days she has to pretend that she is okay, because in reality she is far from it.
Haymitch knows it though. He tries his hardest to look after her.
After the rebellion she's gone to live with him in District Twelve. She gets his guest bedroom at first, but after a week they start to share his bed. It's better like that; he doesn't have to go to her room every night when she starts screaming because of the nightmares that haunt her. When she closes her eyes it feels like she is still in that cell in the Capitol. On good nights she wakes up just two or three times. Some nights she only gets a few hours of sleep. It's good to have him around though. His presence calms her immediately.
She wants to be stronger than the nightmares, but in her dreams she never gets away from that dark place. And when she's not dreaming about her time in captivity, she sees all the children she's ever sent to their deaths in the arena in her sleep. She is the person who has sent them into the arena. She is responsible for their deaths.
The feeling of guilt just won't go away. She doesn't cry anymore, but she is sure that she can never be happy again. This is her punishment for everything she has done.
Anything would be a better alternative. Even death. Even hell. For that is certainly where she will end up. And what right has she to live, when she's sentenced all those innocent children from District Twelve to their deaths? Yes, in the end it is a very rational decision. The way she chooses to die might be cowardly. Especially compared to the way most of the children she picked died in the arena, frightened and alone.
Yes, she is a coward. And she hates herself for it.
Of course Haymitch has found a way of his own to deal with all the horrible things he has been through. But she can see that his dependence on alcohol is slowly destroying him, his skin getting yellower by the day. She doesn't want die like that. No, she wants it to be over quickly.
She starts to save her medication, the pills that help her sleep and the anti-depressants that are supposed to help her function.
It's a beautiful day when Effie tells Haymitch she's going for a walk. When she sits down in the Meadow to rest, she can finally laugh again. A gentle breeze caresses her face and the sun warms her body. It reminds her of happier times. She allows herself to think about those times during her childhood, when she would go to the park with her family on sunny days like this.
She feels happy for the first time in months.
When she rises to return home she says one last goodbye to the Meadow.
She doesn't really want to do it. But in the end she doesn't see another way. She knows how much it will hurt Haymitch. He has never given up on her. He has always been there for her. But even he can't help her.
She can't go on like this.
Effie waits for the moment Haymitch leaves the house to get some groceries. She goes to the bathroom to do it. She doesn't want to die in bed. No, she doesn't deserve the comfort. Those poor kids didn't feel any comfort when they died in the arena.
After she's locked the door, she takes her time to gather everything she needs.
She leaves a note for Haymitch. It contains one word.
Sorry.
When she swallows the first pill, she knows that she can't go back. She looks at all the drugs in front of her. This has to be it. After swallowing the rest of the pills, she waits for the full effects of the drug cocktail to hit her. She immediately starts to feel drowsy and lies back to let her head rest on the floor.
She feels sorry for Haymitch. But eventually he will understand. After all the horrors she has been through, she has always been too broken to be fixed. It is better like this.
She feels at peace. It feels good.
Effie Trinket dies with smile on her face.
fin.
*hides*
(I have absolutely no idea where that came from…Can't believe I wrote this! Probably not great, but oh well… I do believe that when the rebellion was over, Haymitch and Effie got married and lived happily ever after though! Next story will be more cheerful!)