Strong Enough To Be Your Man
By Donna
Disclaimer – Paramount owns all. I just do this for my own amusement
A/N –This story is based on a song. It's a beautiful song sung by Travis Tritt. It simply screamed J/C at me the first time I heard it. The story takes place soon after Workforce Part 2. You'll find dialog from that episode as well as references to Caretaker, Resolutions, Shattered, and Jeri Taylor's book about Janeway's early life, Mosaic.
"I know it wasn't real, Chakotay, but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me, I would never have known I had another life."
"Are you sorry I showed up?"
"Not for a second."
The sad smile she gave did nothing to reassure him. He knew she was hurting, hurting very deeply, and it saddened him to know he could do nothing to help. This was something she would have to work through on her own. Her time on Quarra was proving to be something of a shock to her now that she had regained her memories. Knowing her as well as he did, Chakotay believed she was finding it difficult to accept some of the things that she did while there. Her relationship with Jaffen was proving to be the most difficult. That she could become so deeply involved with someone in so short of a time, was causing her to question herself.
Then there was the convoluted mass of feelings that he had about the whole incident. What exactly did he feel? Concern? Yes. Relief that she was back? Definitely. Jealously? If he was being honest with himself, then...absolutely. Anger? Ah…now that was a sticky one. On one level, he knew that she was not responsible for what happened, yet… he still couldn't completely ignore the feeling he got in the pit of his stomach when he thought of them together. It was the same feeling that he experienced when he had met her on the planet and she told him that she was moving in with Jaffen.
He felt as if he was at a crossroads. On one hand, he knew he still loved Kathryn and yet, he wasn't sure how much longer he could stand the day-to-day hell that constituted his life. 'Hell', well that certainly described his situation. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn't. If he left things as they were, he would spend the next 30 to 40 year as and emotional eunuch, if he moved on he knew any relationship he might have would be forever haunted by the specter of Kathryn Janeway.
"Commander, you have the bridge." The Captain rose from her command chair beside him.
"Aye Captain." He watched as she opened her Ready Room door and stepped inside. As the door closed, cutting her off from his view, he sighed. This was going to be a long day.
********
Two weeks later, things seemed to have returned to normal, or least as normal as it ever got on Voyager. The Captain was once again working to hard, drinking to much coffee, not eating enough and avoiding him.
As he sat on the bridge near the end of his shift, Chakotay came to a decision. He had to talk to Kathryn, whether she wanted to listen or not. He knew he couldn't live like this any longer.
After turning the bridge over to the Beta shift, he headed for the Captain's Ready Room.
Taking a deep breath, he rang the chime.
"Enter," as the doors slid open to admit him, he saw the Captain sitting at her desk, "Hello, Commander, what can I do for you?"
"First of all, you can go home." At her questioning look he continued. "Our shift just ended. Second, you can have dinner with me." This brought him a raised eyebrow. "Don't look at me like that Kathryn. You've been in here all day working. You arrived before breakfast and didn't leave for lunch, so I know that you haven't eaten anything all day." As she opened her mouth in rebuttal he rushed on, "And no, coffee does not constitute a food group."
"Just how do you know that I haven't eaten anything while I was in here?" She glared at him with a smug look.
"I have my ways, Kathryn. I happen to know that the only thing you have ordered from your replicator all day is coffee, five cups to be exact." Chakotay's look was equally smug.
"How could you possibly know that?" She was beginning to get suspicious. "Chakotay! You've bugged my replicator?"
"Old Maquis trick, after all it is my job to take care of the Captain. How else can I do that when you stay sequestered in here all day?"
For a moment, he thought she was going to lash out at him, but suddenly she smiled and began chuckling. She came from behind the desk and approached him.
"Alright, Chakotay, you win. I'll have dinner with you, but in my quarters. I'll do the cooking."
"Oh, great, for my punishment I get poisoned."
********
She was putting the finishing touches on dinner when her door chimed.
Turning toward the door, she called out. "Come in, Chakotay."
As he entered the room, he stopped and took several sniffs as if smelling something. Kathryn looked at him quizzically. Chakotay turned to her.
"What? No smoke? No smell of burnt roast? Kathryn, don't tell me that you and your replicator have finally come to an understanding?" He smiled showing his dimples as she glared at him.
"No, I simply told it that if it didn't cooperate I would sic B'Elanna on it."
"Oh, I see, scared it into submission. So what's for dinner?"
"I decided to go Italian tonight. Therefore, I made spinach lasagna, warm bread, Caesar salad and a dark red wine to accompany it. How does that sound?"
"It sounds delicious. When do we eat, I'm starving."
"Well, have a seat. Everything's ready."
As he sat, the thought crossed his mind that the evening was beginning well and he certainly hoped that it would end as well. As they ate, Chakotay continually replayed in his mind what he needed to say to Kathryn. He didn't even notice her staring at him.
Later, after they had finished, Kathryn pushed away from the table and headed for the replicator. "Would you like a cup of tea, Chakotay?"
"No, thank you, I don't want anything."
She glanced at him, surprised by the sound of tension in his voice. She had already noted his preoccupation with his own thoughts. He had left the table and was staring out the viewport. She picked up her coffee and crossed to the couch, settling into the soft cushions with a contended sigh. This was her favorite part of the evening. Relaxing with Chakotay and just talking.
"Chakotay," she waited until he turned and looked at her. Pointing to the chair next to her, she spoke to him. "Come and sit with me."
"No!" Kathryn stared at him, surprise on her face. He took a deep breath, "Kathryn, we need to talk."
"This sounds serious. What is it that we need to talk about?"
"We need to talk about us."
He heard her whispered reply. "Chakotay, there is no us."
"Yes, I know, but I want there to be an us, and I just can't seem to get past that point. I've spent years trying to convince myself that your friendship was enough. However, as the years slipped away, more and more of Kathryn disappeared, and it seemed as if the only the Captain was left. A Captain who certainly didn't need my love. Hell, she didn't even seem to need my friendship."
"What happened to you on Quarra forced me to make a decision. Before I lose any more of Kathryn, I have to tell you how I feel. I want us to have a future together. I want to be by your side for the rest of our life, not as your friend, not as your First Officer, but as your lover."
After placing her coffee cup on the table in front of her, she began to rise from the couch. "Chakotay, we've talked about this before. You know all the reasons, as well as I do, why we can't become involved."
Placing his hands on her shoulders, he gently pushed, preventing her from rising.
"Yes, I know Kathryn and we're going to discuss all those reasons one by one."
"Chakotay, I don't think…"
"No interruptions, Kathryn. For once I'm doing the talking."
The look of shock on her face almost made him lose his courage. Nevertheless, he knew if he didn't do this now, he never would.
"Now, let's see. Where to start? I know Starfleet protocol. Tell me truthfully, Kathryn, do you honestly believe that when Starfleet wrote the regulations regarding starship captains' relationships that they intended for someone in your position to remain emotionally distanced from her crew for up to 75 years? Don't you think that Starfleet understands the unique position that being stranded out here entails? Can you rationally justify remaining in an emotionally limbo? Do you really believe that putting your life on hold is something that Starfleet either requires or expects of you?"
Chakotay had started pacing the room as he began speaking. His voice was beginning to rise in volume and intensity. He was having a hard time looking Kathryn in the eye. He knew she was surprised by his outburst but this was something he had to do…for them both. He was so caught up in his rant that he almost missed her quiet reply.
"No, Chakotay, I don't really believe they do."
That brought him up short. His comments were actually meant to be rhetorical and he hadn't been expecting an answer. However, her reply did send a shiver of hope coursing through him. Hope that perhaps, this time, she might hear him out before shutting him down with her 'parameters' speech.
"Alright, that's one down, on to the next reason. Your belief that you don't deserve a life because you stranded us all out here…."
"…Chakotay!" she interrupted, "that's not fair. You know that the crew needs to be my first priority. If not for me…"
"…if not for you, nothing! This situation is not solely your responsibility. You want to lay blame, blame me. I'm the one that ran into the Badlands. Blame Gul Evek for chasing me. Blame Starfleet for assigning Tuvok to infiltrate my ship. Hell blame anyone you want to, but know this, the Caretaker brought us here, the Caretaker created the situation between the Occampa and the Kazon, and the Caretaker left us to clean up his mess. This crew does not blame you for stranding us here. So if you choose to continue to believe that it is all your fault, then at least acknowledge that choice as the wallowing in self-pity that it is."
Her sharp intake of breath told him that he had hit home with his last comment. He truly regretted hurting her, but he knew that he had to get through to her somehow. He sat down next to her and took her hands in his but she wouldn't meet his gaze.
"Kathryn," he said softly, "I'm not trying to be cruel. But you have been blaming yourself for so long that you've become blinded to all the good that has happened because we're out here. Yes, it's true that families have been torn apart, friends separated, and relationships lost. But think of the other side of coin. Families have been created, new friends have been made, and relationships that would never have been possible in the Alpha Quadrant are alive and well, all because we're in the Delta Quadrant. I, for one, don't regret being here because I know that what I've found far out weighs whatever I may have lost. True, not all the crew is as content with our situation as I am, but when we get home, and I do mean when not if, I don't believe that a single one of them will be sorry for having had the experience."
Chakotay dropped Kathryn's hands and once again began pacing her living room. Now for the truly hard part, he was about to get really personal about Kathryn's past and he wasn't sure how she would react. Probably not good, hell she'd probably throw him out the nearest airlock. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
"And now for the next, and most likely, the real reason…you're afraid."
Her look of confusion told him that she had no idea where he was going with his reasoning. "And what, pray tell, is it I'm afraid of?"
"You're afraid of losing anyone you might come to care for, the same way you've lost all the other men in your life that you have loved."
"How dare you!" Janeway hissed, as she abruptly rose from the sofa and faced him. "I refuse to continue to listen to this nonsense. Please leave my quarters, Commander. And in the future keep your counseling techniques for the benefit of the crew."
She glared at him, hands on hips, and body taut. That he didn't turn tail and run for his life was a testament to his determination to see this out.
"It won't work, Kathryn. You can use your 'death glare' until hell freezes over and I'll still be here. We're going to get through this no matter how much it hurts so sit down and listen."
She was so startled by his reply that she did what he had told her without even giving it a thought. As she slowly sank back down onto the couch, he came and sat beside her.
"Kathryn, do you remember when you told me about the accident that killed your father and Justin?" She eyed him warily, but nodded her head as he continued. "We were talking one night about 'away missions from hell', and you began to tell me about the time that Tuvok, Harry, Kes, Neelix and several others were trapped on that planet that was protected by the Tokath. We had to hide from the Kazon and at one point; it looked as if we might not be able to get our people out. Then you told me that during that mission you had been suffering from a recurrent dream."
"I was in a house with many rooms, I had to get to one room, but there was a locked door…" She spoke so softly that if Chakotay hadn't been sitting right next to her he wouldn't have heard her. She had a distant, unfocused look in her eyes. Once again, he hoped he was doing the right thing.
"Yes, and then suddenly, when we seemed to be out of options, you had a sort of waking dream in which that door opened and you remembered what had really happened on Tau Ceti."
"As much as I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane, Commander, how does this have any bearing on what we are discussing?" The icy tone in the Captain's voice warned Chakotay that he had better get to the point very quickly.
"After that away mission I noticed a change in you. It was nothing overt, just small things. As it was still early in our journey and I didn't really know you that well, I half convinced myself that I was imagining it. And then a few weeks later you seemed to be over whatever had been troubling you. It wasn't until we were reminiscing, about those away missions, several years later, that you told me the story and I realized that I hadn't imagined it after all. By then our relationship was on a very good level. We had developed into a good command team, and close friends. We often had breakfast together, and frequently dined in our quarters together. There was even a certain amount of harmless flirting going on, especially on the bridge. You seemed to be relaxed and comfortable in our relationship. Then we got the letters from home."
Janeway suddenly jumped up and moved away from the couch. She began pacing the room like a caged tiger. Chakotay knew better than to try to force her to calm down. He simply forged onward, continuing his explanation.
"After you received the letter from Mark everything began to change. It didn't happen overnight. No, it was very gradual. You seemed to pull back from me, as if to put as much distance between us as possible and still maintain our command association. The dinners became less frequent. Time together when we were off duty became almost non-existent. And needless to say, all the flirting stopped. As the years passed, things only got worse. I kept hoping to get a glimpse of the Kathryn that I once knew, but it never happened. After the incident when I burned out the deflector dish I felt hope flare up in me again. You seemed so much more comfortable around me and I hoped that we could once again regain the easy camaraderie that we had in the early years. But before that could happen you were kidnapped by the Quarrens."
By this time, Janeway had settled in front of the viewport. Chakotay rose from the couch and moved to stand behind her, close enough to see that she was staring at the passing stars but not touching her.
"After you came back, I did some serious thinking. At first, I was truly confused by what happened to you on Quarra. You see, for years I had been quietly offering more than you seemed willing to accept. On New Earth," he saw her shudder at the mention of their place of mutal exile, "I made you a promise of support. I told you that as long as you needed me I would never leave your side. Repeatedly I tried to become more for you and you would always rebuke me, citing protocols and command responsibilities. Yet despite this, I always felt that there was some other reason why you wouldn't allow our relationship become more. So when I realized, that on Quarra, with no memory of your past, you became involved with Jaffen almost as soon as you met him, I remembered our conversation years earlier and I knew what the real reason was for keeping me at arms length all these years."
He moved a step closer, placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him.
"I have to admit, you certainly are a complicated lady. It took me awhile to figure it all out. But I finally have." Taking her chin in his hand, he tilted her head up until she was looking in his eyes. "Kathryn, I promise you that I'm not going anywhere."
"How can you promise that? At anytime I might have to send you on a mission that you might never come back from. I've already lost so many that I love. I don't think I could bear it again." Her eyes became shiny with unshed tears.
"Your right, this is a dangerous quadrant. Either of us, even both of us, could face death on any day. But does not being together make the risk any less? You have to believe me when I tell you that I will not willingly allow anything to destroy what we could have. I love you, and I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. Even if you never love me back, I will still love you. Trust me, Kathryn.
"I don't know, Chakotay. I'm not sure there's enough of Kathryn left to override the Captain. I've been sublimating my feelings for so long; I don't think I'm strong enough to change."
Chakotay could see the doubt and confusion in her eyes. He asked her softly, "Do you love me, Kathryn?"
"Oh, dear God, yes, Chakotay. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I love you so much it frightens me. I've never felt so out of control in my life. Even with Justin, I was still able to maintain a certain control over my feelings. But with you, I always knew that if I ever let myself admit what I felt then those feelings would consume me. I knew that I would forever be a part of you and if anything ever happen, I'd never get over you."
Chakotay pulled her into a tight hug. "Oh Kathryn, my love, just let me love you. I promise to stand by you all my life. Let me be strong enough for both of us."
Finis
Strong Enough to Be Your Man
I know there's times
You've been tormented by the questions in your mind
Will our love last?
Or simply fade away as time begins to pass
You're a complicated lady that's for sure
With the need for someone unafraid to make you feel secure
And if you wonder if I'm strong enough to be your man
Yes I am….yes I am
Don't let yourself imagine it's a lie
I'm not the kind to turn and say goodbye
Even though you test my soul
Make yourself so hard to hold
I'm gonna make you understand
I'm strong enough to be your man
Do you believe?
When I look in your eyes and swear I'll never leave
What will it take?
To make you know that what we have is here to stay
Yes I know that you've been loved and left before
But I promise you won't ever see me walking out the door
And if you wonder if I'm strong enough to be your man
Yes I am…yes I am…yes I am…yes I am
By Donna
Disclaimer – Paramount owns all. I just do this for my own amusement
A/N –This story is based on a song. It's a beautiful song sung by Travis Tritt. It simply screamed J/C at me the first time I heard it. The story takes place soon after Workforce Part 2. You'll find dialog from that episode as well as references to Caretaker, Resolutions, Shattered, and Jeri Taylor's book about Janeway's early life, Mosaic.
"I know it wasn't real, Chakotay, but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me, I would never have known I had another life."
"Are you sorry I showed up?"
"Not for a second."
The sad smile she gave did nothing to reassure him. He knew she was hurting, hurting very deeply, and it saddened him to know he could do nothing to help. This was something she would have to work through on her own. Her time on Quarra was proving to be something of a shock to her now that she had regained her memories. Knowing her as well as he did, Chakotay believed she was finding it difficult to accept some of the things that she did while there. Her relationship with Jaffen was proving to be the most difficult. That she could become so deeply involved with someone in so short of a time, was causing her to question herself.
Then there was the convoluted mass of feelings that he had about the whole incident. What exactly did he feel? Concern? Yes. Relief that she was back? Definitely. Jealously? If he was being honest with himself, then...absolutely. Anger? Ah…now that was a sticky one. On one level, he knew that she was not responsible for what happened, yet… he still couldn't completely ignore the feeling he got in the pit of his stomach when he thought of them together. It was the same feeling that he experienced when he had met her on the planet and she told him that she was moving in with Jaffen.
He felt as if he was at a crossroads. On one hand, he knew he still loved Kathryn and yet, he wasn't sure how much longer he could stand the day-to-day hell that constituted his life. 'Hell', well that certainly described his situation. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn't. If he left things as they were, he would spend the next 30 to 40 year as and emotional eunuch, if he moved on he knew any relationship he might have would be forever haunted by the specter of Kathryn Janeway.
"Commander, you have the bridge." The Captain rose from her command chair beside him.
"Aye Captain." He watched as she opened her Ready Room door and stepped inside. As the door closed, cutting her off from his view, he sighed. This was going to be a long day.
********
Two weeks later, things seemed to have returned to normal, or least as normal as it ever got on Voyager. The Captain was once again working to hard, drinking to much coffee, not eating enough and avoiding him.
As he sat on the bridge near the end of his shift, Chakotay came to a decision. He had to talk to Kathryn, whether she wanted to listen or not. He knew he couldn't live like this any longer.
After turning the bridge over to the Beta shift, he headed for the Captain's Ready Room.
Taking a deep breath, he rang the chime.
"Enter," as the doors slid open to admit him, he saw the Captain sitting at her desk, "Hello, Commander, what can I do for you?"
"First of all, you can go home." At her questioning look he continued. "Our shift just ended. Second, you can have dinner with me." This brought him a raised eyebrow. "Don't look at me like that Kathryn. You've been in here all day working. You arrived before breakfast and didn't leave for lunch, so I know that you haven't eaten anything all day." As she opened her mouth in rebuttal he rushed on, "And no, coffee does not constitute a food group."
"Just how do you know that I haven't eaten anything while I was in here?" She glared at him with a smug look.
"I have my ways, Kathryn. I happen to know that the only thing you have ordered from your replicator all day is coffee, five cups to be exact." Chakotay's look was equally smug.
"How could you possibly know that?" She was beginning to get suspicious. "Chakotay! You've bugged my replicator?"
"Old Maquis trick, after all it is my job to take care of the Captain. How else can I do that when you stay sequestered in here all day?"
For a moment, he thought she was going to lash out at him, but suddenly she smiled and began chuckling. She came from behind the desk and approached him.
"Alright, Chakotay, you win. I'll have dinner with you, but in my quarters. I'll do the cooking."
"Oh, great, for my punishment I get poisoned."
********
She was putting the finishing touches on dinner when her door chimed.
Turning toward the door, she called out. "Come in, Chakotay."
As he entered the room, he stopped and took several sniffs as if smelling something. Kathryn looked at him quizzically. Chakotay turned to her.
"What? No smoke? No smell of burnt roast? Kathryn, don't tell me that you and your replicator have finally come to an understanding?" He smiled showing his dimples as she glared at him.
"No, I simply told it that if it didn't cooperate I would sic B'Elanna on it."
"Oh, I see, scared it into submission. So what's for dinner?"
"I decided to go Italian tonight. Therefore, I made spinach lasagna, warm bread, Caesar salad and a dark red wine to accompany it. How does that sound?"
"It sounds delicious. When do we eat, I'm starving."
"Well, have a seat. Everything's ready."
As he sat, the thought crossed his mind that the evening was beginning well and he certainly hoped that it would end as well. As they ate, Chakotay continually replayed in his mind what he needed to say to Kathryn. He didn't even notice her staring at him.
Later, after they had finished, Kathryn pushed away from the table and headed for the replicator. "Would you like a cup of tea, Chakotay?"
"No, thank you, I don't want anything."
She glanced at him, surprised by the sound of tension in his voice. She had already noted his preoccupation with his own thoughts. He had left the table and was staring out the viewport. She picked up her coffee and crossed to the couch, settling into the soft cushions with a contended sigh. This was her favorite part of the evening. Relaxing with Chakotay and just talking.
"Chakotay," she waited until he turned and looked at her. Pointing to the chair next to her, she spoke to him. "Come and sit with me."
"No!" Kathryn stared at him, surprise on her face. He took a deep breath, "Kathryn, we need to talk."
"This sounds serious. What is it that we need to talk about?"
"We need to talk about us."
He heard her whispered reply. "Chakotay, there is no us."
"Yes, I know, but I want there to be an us, and I just can't seem to get past that point. I've spent years trying to convince myself that your friendship was enough. However, as the years slipped away, more and more of Kathryn disappeared, and it seemed as if the only the Captain was left. A Captain who certainly didn't need my love. Hell, she didn't even seem to need my friendship."
"What happened to you on Quarra forced me to make a decision. Before I lose any more of Kathryn, I have to tell you how I feel. I want us to have a future together. I want to be by your side for the rest of our life, not as your friend, not as your First Officer, but as your lover."
After placing her coffee cup on the table in front of her, she began to rise from the couch. "Chakotay, we've talked about this before. You know all the reasons, as well as I do, why we can't become involved."
Placing his hands on her shoulders, he gently pushed, preventing her from rising.
"Yes, I know Kathryn and we're going to discuss all those reasons one by one."
"Chakotay, I don't think…"
"No interruptions, Kathryn. For once I'm doing the talking."
The look of shock on her face almost made him lose his courage. Nevertheless, he knew if he didn't do this now, he never would.
"Now, let's see. Where to start? I know Starfleet protocol. Tell me truthfully, Kathryn, do you honestly believe that when Starfleet wrote the regulations regarding starship captains' relationships that they intended for someone in your position to remain emotionally distanced from her crew for up to 75 years? Don't you think that Starfleet understands the unique position that being stranded out here entails? Can you rationally justify remaining in an emotionally limbo? Do you really believe that putting your life on hold is something that Starfleet either requires or expects of you?"
Chakotay had started pacing the room as he began speaking. His voice was beginning to rise in volume and intensity. He was having a hard time looking Kathryn in the eye. He knew she was surprised by his outburst but this was something he had to do…for them both. He was so caught up in his rant that he almost missed her quiet reply.
"No, Chakotay, I don't really believe they do."
That brought him up short. His comments were actually meant to be rhetorical and he hadn't been expecting an answer. However, her reply did send a shiver of hope coursing through him. Hope that perhaps, this time, she might hear him out before shutting him down with her 'parameters' speech.
"Alright, that's one down, on to the next reason. Your belief that you don't deserve a life because you stranded us all out here…."
"…Chakotay!" she interrupted, "that's not fair. You know that the crew needs to be my first priority. If not for me…"
"…if not for you, nothing! This situation is not solely your responsibility. You want to lay blame, blame me. I'm the one that ran into the Badlands. Blame Gul Evek for chasing me. Blame Starfleet for assigning Tuvok to infiltrate my ship. Hell blame anyone you want to, but know this, the Caretaker brought us here, the Caretaker created the situation between the Occampa and the Kazon, and the Caretaker left us to clean up his mess. This crew does not blame you for stranding us here. So if you choose to continue to believe that it is all your fault, then at least acknowledge that choice as the wallowing in self-pity that it is."
Her sharp intake of breath told him that he had hit home with his last comment. He truly regretted hurting her, but he knew that he had to get through to her somehow. He sat down next to her and took her hands in his but she wouldn't meet his gaze.
"Kathryn," he said softly, "I'm not trying to be cruel. But you have been blaming yourself for so long that you've become blinded to all the good that has happened because we're out here. Yes, it's true that families have been torn apart, friends separated, and relationships lost. But think of the other side of coin. Families have been created, new friends have been made, and relationships that would never have been possible in the Alpha Quadrant are alive and well, all because we're in the Delta Quadrant. I, for one, don't regret being here because I know that what I've found far out weighs whatever I may have lost. True, not all the crew is as content with our situation as I am, but when we get home, and I do mean when not if, I don't believe that a single one of them will be sorry for having had the experience."
Chakotay dropped Kathryn's hands and once again began pacing her living room. Now for the truly hard part, he was about to get really personal about Kathryn's past and he wasn't sure how she would react. Probably not good, hell she'd probably throw him out the nearest airlock. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
"And now for the next, and most likely, the real reason…you're afraid."
Her look of confusion told him that she had no idea where he was going with his reasoning. "And what, pray tell, is it I'm afraid of?"
"You're afraid of losing anyone you might come to care for, the same way you've lost all the other men in your life that you have loved."
"How dare you!" Janeway hissed, as she abruptly rose from the sofa and faced him. "I refuse to continue to listen to this nonsense. Please leave my quarters, Commander. And in the future keep your counseling techniques for the benefit of the crew."
She glared at him, hands on hips, and body taut. That he didn't turn tail and run for his life was a testament to his determination to see this out.
"It won't work, Kathryn. You can use your 'death glare' until hell freezes over and I'll still be here. We're going to get through this no matter how much it hurts so sit down and listen."
She was so startled by his reply that she did what he had told her without even giving it a thought. As she slowly sank back down onto the couch, he came and sat beside her.
"Kathryn, do you remember when you told me about the accident that killed your father and Justin?" She eyed him warily, but nodded her head as he continued. "We were talking one night about 'away missions from hell', and you began to tell me about the time that Tuvok, Harry, Kes, Neelix and several others were trapped on that planet that was protected by the Tokath. We had to hide from the Kazon and at one point; it looked as if we might not be able to get our people out. Then you told me that during that mission you had been suffering from a recurrent dream."
"I was in a house with many rooms, I had to get to one room, but there was a locked door…" She spoke so softly that if Chakotay hadn't been sitting right next to her he wouldn't have heard her. She had a distant, unfocused look in her eyes. Once again, he hoped he was doing the right thing.
"Yes, and then suddenly, when we seemed to be out of options, you had a sort of waking dream in which that door opened and you remembered what had really happened on Tau Ceti."
"As much as I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane, Commander, how does this have any bearing on what we are discussing?" The icy tone in the Captain's voice warned Chakotay that he had better get to the point very quickly.
"After that away mission I noticed a change in you. It was nothing overt, just small things. As it was still early in our journey and I didn't really know you that well, I half convinced myself that I was imagining it. And then a few weeks later you seemed to be over whatever had been troubling you. It wasn't until we were reminiscing, about those away missions, several years later, that you told me the story and I realized that I hadn't imagined it after all. By then our relationship was on a very good level. We had developed into a good command team, and close friends. We often had breakfast together, and frequently dined in our quarters together. There was even a certain amount of harmless flirting going on, especially on the bridge. You seemed to be relaxed and comfortable in our relationship. Then we got the letters from home."
Janeway suddenly jumped up and moved away from the couch. She began pacing the room like a caged tiger. Chakotay knew better than to try to force her to calm down. He simply forged onward, continuing his explanation.
"After you received the letter from Mark everything began to change. It didn't happen overnight. No, it was very gradual. You seemed to pull back from me, as if to put as much distance between us as possible and still maintain our command association. The dinners became less frequent. Time together when we were off duty became almost non-existent. And needless to say, all the flirting stopped. As the years passed, things only got worse. I kept hoping to get a glimpse of the Kathryn that I once knew, but it never happened. After the incident when I burned out the deflector dish I felt hope flare up in me again. You seemed so much more comfortable around me and I hoped that we could once again regain the easy camaraderie that we had in the early years. But before that could happen you were kidnapped by the Quarrens."
By this time, Janeway had settled in front of the viewport. Chakotay rose from the couch and moved to stand behind her, close enough to see that she was staring at the passing stars but not touching her.
"After you came back, I did some serious thinking. At first, I was truly confused by what happened to you on Quarra. You see, for years I had been quietly offering more than you seemed willing to accept. On New Earth," he saw her shudder at the mention of their place of mutal exile, "I made you a promise of support. I told you that as long as you needed me I would never leave your side. Repeatedly I tried to become more for you and you would always rebuke me, citing protocols and command responsibilities. Yet despite this, I always felt that there was some other reason why you wouldn't allow our relationship become more. So when I realized, that on Quarra, with no memory of your past, you became involved with Jaffen almost as soon as you met him, I remembered our conversation years earlier and I knew what the real reason was for keeping me at arms length all these years."
He moved a step closer, placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him.
"I have to admit, you certainly are a complicated lady. It took me awhile to figure it all out. But I finally have." Taking her chin in his hand, he tilted her head up until she was looking in his eyes. "Kathryn, I promise you that I'm not going anywhere."
"How can you promise that? At anytime I might have to send you on a mission that you might never come back from. I've already lost so many that I love. I don't think I could bear it again." Her eyes became shiny with unshed tears.
"Your right, this is a dangerous quadrant. Either of us, even both of us, could face death on any day. But does not being together make the risk any less? You have to believe me when I tell you that I will not willingly allow anything to destroy what we could have. I love you, and I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. Even if you never love me back, I will still love you. Trust me, Kathryn.
"I don't know, Chakotay. I'm not sure there's enough of Kathryn left to override the Captain. I've been sublimating my feelings for so long; I don't think I'm strong enough to change."
Chakotay could see the doubt and confusion in her eyes. He asked her softly, "Do you love me, Kathryn?"
"Oh, dear God, yes, Chakotay. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I love you so much it frightens me. I've never felt so out of control in my life. Even with Justin, I was still able to maintain a certain control over my feelings. But with you, I always knew that if I ever let myself admit what I felt then those feelings would consume me. I knew that I would forever be a part of you and if anything ever happen, I'd never get over you."
Chakotay pulled her into a tight hug. "Oh Kathryn, my love, just let me love you. I promise to stand by you all my life. Let me be strong enough for both of us."
Finis
Strong Enough to Be Your Man
I know there's times
You've been tormented by the questions in your mind
Will our love last?
Or simply fade away as time begins to pass
You're a complicated lady that's for sure
With the need for someone unafraid to make you feel secure
And if you wonder if I'm strong enough to be your man
Yes I am….yes I am
Don't let yourself imagine it's a lie
I'm not the kind to turn and say goodbye
Even though you test my soul
Make yourself so hard to hold
I'm gonna make you understand
I'm strong enough to be your man
Do you believe?
When I look in your eyes and swear I'll never leave
What will it take?
To make you know that what we have is here to stay
Yes I know that you've been loved and left before
But I promise you won't ever see me walking out the door
And if you wonder if I'm strong enough to be your man
Yes I am…yes I am…yes I am…yes I am