How Do You Get That Lonely, an avengers fanfic

How Do You Get That Lonely

Disclaimer:
As always, I own nothing.

Rating:
M (for suicidal intentions and language...lots of "f-bombs"...lots and lots of "f-bombs"...fair warning to those who get offended, easily)

Genre:
Hurt/Comfort/Romance

Pairing:
Phlint (Phil/Clint...aka Coulson/Hawkeye)

Lyrics Used:
Blaine Larsen "How Do You Get That Lonely"

Author's Note:
This fic was an idea I've been bouncing around my head for a while, now, and was finally inspired to put it to...eh...paper?...By a video I saw on YouTube by MrsSammyDiBiase08 entitled "Dear Agony". If you haven't seen it, yet, PLEASE do so...I beg of you! It. Is. AMAZING! You have to see it at least once in order to call your life complete!

I would also like to point out that this story will incorporate a very deeply personal experience of my own; the murder of my very best friend in the whole world-whom I loved like a sister-Brittany Shae Linton. Any flames on that particular aspect will have the pleasure of learning what it feels like to ram their own head up their own ass!

Also, this is my first Phlint story so please go easy on me. Constructive criticism is always welcome, however, flames will be met with swift ferocity by Hawkeye's arrow.

Underneath the Depths of My Sin

Clint Barton had noticed a certain S.H.I.E.L.D. agent's behavior to be...A little off, perhaps, over the last few days. However, what truly bothered him was that he appeared to be the only person that noticed. Sure, Agent Coulson had put into place a very skilled, trained, calm façade. But, anyone who took two seconds to look any closer would see right through it. Clint saw the pain in his eyes-hiding just beneath the calm exterior. Sure, by all outward appearances, Agent Phil Coulson was just fine. But, Agent Clint Barton knew better. Far better. Through the years that he had known Coulson, Barton had learned that the harder the man tried to appear fine, the less he truly was fine. And, right now, the Agent was fighting pretty damn hard.

And, through those very same years, Agent Barton had come to realize one other thing. He was in love with Agent Phil Coulson. That realization made his current observation even harder on the archer. Seeing Coulson putting up his walls made the archer's chest clench painfully. He ached to break down all those damn walls and take Phil's pain away. He didn't know exactly what was troubling the agent, but, it seemed to only wear on him more and more as time went on. His only clue was that this forced behavior had all started the day before when Phil received what had sounded like a deeply personal phone call. It seemed the phone call was what had the agent so troubled. Clint knew he needed to confront the agent and soon. He didn't know how much more of this either of them could take.

"Agent Barton? A word?" The voice-a voice Clint would know anywhere-was taught. Barton could almost hear the battle in the man's voice. He could almost hear the man fighting the restrain the hurt and sound perfectly fine. Maybe now would be his chance to talk to Phil about just what the hell was going on.

"Sure." He replied, simply, as he followed the agent out of the building to an abandoned alley way, outside. The walk seemed to take forever as the two men walked on in silence. Finally, as they reached the alley way, Phil turned to look at Clint and-for the first time since the phone call-all of the agent's defenses were gone. He just looked physically broken. His eyes were dim and his entire body language was just...defeated. Coulson looked like had just...given up. Clint was about to comment on this change in appearance when Phil beat him to it.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I brought you out here." He began, somewhat cryptically.

"Among other things." Clint replied. It was true. That particular question had crossed his mind. But, there were other questions floating around with it that-to Clint's mind-were of higher priority. There were more important questions that needed to be answered, first.

Sighing slightly, Phil replied "I need you to do something for me." A deceptively simple request. But, Clint knew there was more to the story than Coulson was letting on.

"Anything." And, he meant it. Clint truly would do anything for the man that had run away with his heart.

As he pointed to the quiver strapped to the archer's back, said archer couldn't help noticing the way Phil's eyes and voice seemed to darken as he spoke again. "I need you to take me out."

Clint couldn't believe his ears. He didn't really just say what I thought he said...Did he? Clint was still struggling to wrap his mind around the request. Does he honestly think I could ever intentionally take his life? "I can't." Clint's voice was scarcely a broken whisper. He honestly couldn't even begin to process Phil's request. This went far deeper than he could have ever imagined.

"Please." Phil was begging, now. His voice cracked and trembled as he pleaded with the archer to end his life. Everything weighing on his mind was all just too much. I should have been there. I should have stopped him. I should have protected her. I should've done something. I should've done...more. A million thoughts were racing through his mind-flashbacks, too-and, he just couldn't process a single one of them. Clearing his throat, he attempted to compose himself as he spoke again. "It would be simple enough." He began. "It's already set up. The next mission. Your nest is perfectly positioned. One well-placed arrow. That's all it would take." Clint shuddered as he realized how...hopeful?...Phil's voice was as he depicted his request from the archer.

Clint felt a storm of emotions racing through his system as he listened to Phil continue on. In the end, a mixture of fear, anger, and desperation won out. "Damn it, Phil, just...Just talk to me for Christ's sake!" He was pleading with the agent before him. If there's any chance at all that I can stop him, I have to try...He thought to himself. He knew what he had to do.

Phil sighed heavily as he pulled an older photo out of his jacket pocket-handing it over to the archer. Clint took the photo, his eyes calculating and analyzing. He saw a young man he instantly recognized as Phil-the man never really changed much over the years-standing between two young women who appeared to be his same age. One was dressed head-to-toe in army green-Class A's as he recognized them-while the other wore a simple black t-shirt which sported the logo of what he assumed to be a rock band and white pants. The young woman in uniform looked so much like Phil he could only assume they were siblings. The other woman-oddly enough-looked so much like the one in uniform, Clint idly wondered if she, too, were related to Phil and the other woman. Finally, Phil spoke again.

"As I'm sure you can tell from appearances, the young woman in uniform is my sister, Audrie." He began, pointing out the obvious. Clint considered saying something, but, Phil continued on before he had the chance. "The other young woman..." He paused. Looking up from the photograph in his hand, he noticed a storm of emotions raging through his eyes. The archer could tell she was somehow involved with why Phil had been acting so strange, lately. "Her name was Brittany Linton." Clint could tell this Brittany had clearly meant a lot to Phil. "She was Audrie's best friend-they loved each other like sisters-hell, they might as well have been, for all any strangers on the street would have known. They looked and acted the part, every bit." The archer could see the faintest traces of a fond smile on the agent's face as he spoke of this Brittany. "She and I were close as well."

"How close?" Barton wondered, idly. Shit. That was supposed to remain a silent thought in my head. I never meant to say it out loud. But, it's out, now. There's nothing I can do to change that. He thought to himself. He was about to correct himself and tell Coulson he didn't have to answer that until the other agent beat him to the punch.

"I loved her." Coulson admitted, his gaze downcast and his voice small and broken. The archer instantly hated himself for opening that old wound.

"I'm sorry." Clint replied, simply. If he were to be perfectly honest with himself, he truly didn't know what to say. "You don't have to answer this, but...may I ask what happened between the two of you?" He voiced the question tentatively, careful to give the agent an out should he choose to take it.

"It's quite all right, Clint." Barton was momentarily stunned at the use of his first name from his handler. It was such a rare occasion that it usually warranted his full, undivided attention when it was used. "The truth of the matter was I was in love with Brittany. But...Well, when I finally worked up the nerve to tell her...Well, she told me that she only ever saw me as a brother...That she was in love with someone else...Guy named Zachary McGowen." Releasing a heavy sigh, Coulson went on to say "That was her biggest mistake."

"How do you figure?" The archer's inner spy was winning out against his best attempts at fighting it back. He couldn't help the need for intel. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't fight it.

"She loved him, therefore, she trusted him." Coulson deadpanned. "He used that trust to manipulate her into moving in with him right out of high school. After that, Audrie and I never saw or heard from her again until four years later at Audrie's wedding." He began. Clint saw Phil's features changing as he recounted the different events of his past. "Brittany brought McGowen to the wedding." The venom dripping from Phil's voice whenever he said McGowen's name did not go unnoticed by the archer. "He never even let her stay for the reception. After the first dance, the father-daughter and mother-son dance, McGowen all but dragged Brittany out the door. After that, she disappeared again." Then, a dangerous smirk crossed Phil's face. "I think Audrie's husband, Eyal, scared McGowen into hiding." Then, the smirk fell. "Sadly, that was the last we ever saw or heard of Brittany. ... Until Audrie called me, yesterday. She had gotten word that Brittany had been murdered two days prior to her call." It was then that Clint noted the tears slipping down Phil's cheeks as the agent looked straight into his eyes. "He put a bullet in her head, Clint." The voice was so quiet, Clint almost had to strain to hear him. "That bastard put a fucking bullet in her head!" The voice was louder, this time. Though, it was beginning to tremble audibly.

That son of a bitch! Clint thought to himself. He couldn't take it, anymore. He couldn't stand the sight of Phil completely breaking down in front of him. Stepping forward, the archer closed the gap between himself and the agent before him as he pulled the trembling agent into his arms, caressing soothing patterns into his back as he allowed the man to tremble and whimper quietly into his shoulder. "I'll fucking kill him." He wasn't quite sure if that was for his own benefit or Phil's, but, he knew it definitely needed to be said. "I swear to God, Phil...I'll fucking kill the son of a bitch for what he did to Brittany. And, for taking her from you and Audrie." Clint tightened his grip on his handler to drive his point home as the agent seemed to cling to him like a lifeline for a moment before pulling away.

"Hate to break it to ya, Clint..." Phil began, smiling wryly. "But McGowen already beat ya to that punch." Taking the archer's confused expression as a cue to elaborate, Phil continued on. "Immediately after killing Brittany, McGowen promptly proceeded to blow his own brains out."

Snorting slightly in derision, Clint simply replied "Smart man."

Nodding, Phil added "Indeed. Probably the smarted thing that bastard ever did." After a brief silence, Phil spoke again. "Regardless, I should have been there." Clint could see his handler's downward spiral and would have given anything in the world to be able to stop it. "I should have gotten her out of that God forsaken hell-hole. I never should have let that cluster-fuck of a relationship get as far as it did."

"Phil, snap out of it!" Clint declared, desperately. "You know as well as I do that if that son of a bitch didn't want to be found, there was nothing you could have done-"

"Bullshit!" Coulson interjected. "That's bullshit and you know it, Barton. Locating those that don't want to be located is what we do for a living, damn it! I should have been able to find that bastard in my sleep! I should have gone to where he was keeping her and I should have refused to leave without her! I should have-"

"Get a hold of yourself, Coulson!" Barton cried out, grabbing the agent's biceps, desperately trying to break through to him. "There was nothing you could have done!" He repeated, frantically searching for whatever words would break through to the agent before him. "Brittany wouldn't want you beating yourself up about this! You have to know that."

Sighing, Phil replied, brokenly. "It's my fault she's dead. I let that son of a bitch get away with her, in tow. I deserve to die."

It was then that Clint realized that there was nothing more that he could say to get through to his mentally broken handler. Instead, the archer simply took the man before him back into his arms, settling for just holding him while he cried.

Author's Note:
Okay...So, originally, I was planning to just do a one-shot. But, I think this is a good place to leave it. So, I'll be doing a chapter fic. No ideas how many chapters I'll be doing, though. Just however many I feel are necessary to tell this story. Also, if you would like to see the photo referenced in this chapter, go to www[d o t]facebook[d o t]com[slash]annielevin21 Go to "Photos" Click on the album entitled "Brittany Linton" The photo will be located in that album.