Come what may

Author's Note: Ah, I finally managed to get this down T_T I feel much better in retrospect. Now it's here for you all to enjoy! This is dedicated to a certain someone...I wonder if you can figure it out~ enjoy xx

This is completely stupid.

All of it, from start to finish. None of it makes any sense. You want to know why? Well, somehow (please don't ask me how, because I don't know) I managed to develop feelings for Lloyd, and by that I don't mean just friendship feelings.

Ew, gross! Not sexual feelings either!

Just…something that is strong, almost compelling, possessive if you will. He is my best friend, and somewhere along the way it seemed the lines got blurred, and now I'm in a rut that I cannot escape from. Frankly, I am terrified.

Lloyd had always been an understanding person, and I know that deep down he would never freak out, or cut me out of his life for this, but the last thing I wanted was to create tension, or awkwardness between us. I didn't want him thinking so little of me, or judging me.

Not that he would…urgh, overthinking, Genis, why do you do this to yourself?

This had been going on for weeks, but had only come to fruition a few days ago, where it started to become unbearable. I saw Lloyd frequently because we went to the same school, so it made coping just that little bit harder, knowing that he was blissfully unaware of my feelings, and would probably remain that way for the rest of his existence.

Oh, did you think that there was a chance I'd ever tell him? Martel, no! How could I ever confess something like this? Lloyd, yeah, he might take it well, but what then? Down the line, would he want more from me than I could provide? Would he just be satisfied with just having me in his life, doing the simple things?

My heart hurt, like really hurt.

Not in the ripping apart fashion most people experience heartache, but more of a pins and needles sensation on overdrive, constantly nagging away at your insides, giving you that reminder saying "Hello, I'm still here. You can't ignore me forever" I could damn well try.

Wrong again, Genis.

I just wished someone, anyone had the answers I needed. For hours I'd just sit and think, contemplating the possible outcome to my actions, and every time I wound up back at step one, too frightened to even tell anyone. This was my guilty secret. Lloyd was better off not knowing, I mean, why would he even look twice at someone like me?

Being a half elf with some fucked up sexuality, which I wasn't even sure existed, just put the tin lid on things. Who in their right mind would want that problem in their life? The constant fight for reassurance, to prove to everyone that I wasn't a freak, or broken. That I was normal, just like everyone else.

Of course, no-one is that patient, or forgiving.

Despite my lament, I decided that I had to at least tell Raine. Not directly that it was Lloyd, just that I was having feelings, just to get a better grip on what the best course of action would be. It was hard, figuring out the right words to say to your big sister, without her going all weird on me, just because she wasn't my Mom.

Yeah, well, she was the only blood relative I had left in the world, so if I couldn't ask her for advice, then who could I turn to?

Surprisingly, she told me that maybe it would be beneficial to tell the person exactly how I was feeling, and see how it goes from there. If I kept it locked away that it would be possible that I could regret my decision for the rest of my life, wondering, what if I had been brave enough to tell them?

She had been right. But there was no way I could tell Lloyd right off the bat.

I had to play this right, to drop hints, to see if he cottoned on to it. It was unlikely considering he was the densest person I knew, but it was worth a shot at least. But, even though I kept telling myself that I would tell him…I was still petrified.

What if he found out? What then? There was no going back. If he just assumed it was someone else, Colette maybe, then maybe it would be easier? And that was exactly what I did.

I went to Lloyd's that night, trying my best to act as natural as possible without it seeming forced, because then he was bound to figure out something was wrong. Right now, I didn't need him finding out. I had to do this one-step at a time, try to figure him out, to see if me telling him my feelings was a catastrophe.

So, the night went off as planned. We watched a few movies, laughed and ate a ton of junk food, before night started to settle in, and so did my nerves. Soon I would have to go home, so it was either I do this now, or never.

"Are you okay?" He asked, as unaware as ever. I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. Come on Genis, you can do this!

"Uh well no…I have a dilemma…" I had to play this safe, just in case it backfired, but from the look on his face, things were going well so far.

"Oh? What dilemma?" He said it so casually, that I almost forgot what I was supposed to be saying, but once I cleared my throat, and inwardly cursed my trembling hands, I decided that now was the time to be brave.

"I think I have feelings for someone…" He just blinked. No words, not nothing. Just silence for a while. Then I felt the need to clarify. "N-not sexually! But feelings either way."

"Oh…" He murmured, before his eyes widened. "Oh, I see why that would be conflicting." I sighed, feeling even worse about this. Was this the right thing to do? What if he found out? I would be caught out, and that would be it. Game over. No second chance.

"Yeah…it's very conflicting. I've been trying to sort it out…but, yeah that doesn't happen…" Saying it aloud really sent home just how pathetic this all sounded. However, Lloyd wasn't judging me. He was sitting patiently, listening.

"Who are these feelings for? Unless you don't wanna tell me, which is cool either way." How was I supposed to say it was him? I just couldn't. It was too soon…I had to change this somehow. I had to turn this around, to change the subject somewhat.

"There is love there, but it's not sexually, just more like companionship"

"…and you don't know what to do about it?" I shook my head, feeling my hair cascade down to hide my face from view, thankfully. I fidgeted with my hands in my lap, refusing to make eye contact.

"I'm just scared…it will complicate everything…" That part was the truth, and just saying it aloud hurt my heart. Once again, that pins and needles feeling intensified, and I was scared that he would see my body shaking.

"So, this person…they seem important to you. Are they a big part in your life? Is that why you're scared?" He was really hitting home with these questions, and it just made answering them that much harder. All I wanted was to confess and get it out there, but I'm a coward. I've always been a coward.

"Yeah…but I'd never tell them about it…even though if they got with someone else…I don't think I could handle it…" How selfish did I sound? Here's me, wanting a relationship, with no sex, just being with them, and there not to be complications. In my dreams! Lloyd looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I…think I get it..sort of. So, you're telling me that if they got with someone else, you'd be upset, right?" I nodded, unable to actually voice my thoughts. Perhaps he just thought I was this upset and wound up because it was 'someone' else. He had always been dense. Maybe this could work in my favour this time?

"Hmmm…is it someone you see a lot, so you can't really avoid them?" He questioned, and mechanically I answered.

"Yeah…"

"Someone you talk to a lot?"

"Yeah…" It seemed the more probing questions he asked, the more vulnerable I became, even though he remained blissfully unaware. I could tell by his face. He was trying so hard to figure out who the mystery person was, when it was there right under his nose. Stupid Lloyd…

"So…you're not going to tell them?"

"How can I?" I murmured weakly, fighting back the urge to cry. "I'm scared of ruining everything we've worked so hard for…" Too many years had passed, for me to want to ruin that. If it meant settling for a friendship, then my heart would just have to deal with it, even if heartbreak was inevitable in the end.

"They mean a lot to you, don't they?" His voice was soft, and that was when tears pricked my eyes, causing them to sting.

"Yeah…." He sighed, running his fingers through his wild hair, looking exasperated. I knew he wanted to help, and seeing me upset, knowing there was nothing he could do to help was something he hated.

"What would you do, Lloyd?" I asked, looking at him for the answers I needed. He seemed taken aback by my words, before his brow furrowed in concentration, and he huffed.

"Well…I can be a suffer-in-silence, or just getting it off your chest. It depends on the situation I guess…" That didn't help at all, not that I expected it to. I sighed, bowing my head even lower. I predicted in ten minutes or so I'd be on his floor.

"What's the person like?" He asked, obviously curious. I pretended not to understand just what was said, even though I had heard him perfectly clear.

"How do you mean?"

"Well…would you say they would be horribly affected by the news? That it would hurt them, or something?" I could never imagine Lloyd handling anything badly. He just wasn't like that. His heart was made of gold, and I envied him for that.

"Uh…I don't think so…"

"…but even if they took it well, they might be concerned about what it might do to you. It might be damaging to stick around and they might even decide to end things before it got weird…" Great, well done there Lloyd! Way to make me feel better! However, this was my major fear. I didn't want things to get weird because of my stupid feelings.

"Well…I guess it would depend if I ever told them, and if they felt the same."

"Do you want to be with them, as in not sexually, but romantically?" I'd never actually given much thought about it. Whenever my feelings got out of control it was over stupid things. Cuddling in blankets, watching movies till four in the morning, eating a whole tub of ice cream, then complaining about feeling sick afterwards.

The little things.

So, I nodded, once again not feeling brave enough to say anything. He nodded in response.

"Okay…how often do you see this person?"

"Quite regularly."

"Maybe being around them for a while might help you figure it out a bit better." No, big mistake! It was already hard enough to endure this every day, without knowing the answers. I was so used to knowing everything in my life, but for once, I had no idea, and it frightened me.

"It might make everything worse…"

"Maybe trying to figure this out mentally might be the best option right now…when did you figure this out?" He was being so patient with me, so blissfully unaware, unless it was all an act and he knew all along…

"A few days ago…" I lied, it was actually weeks ago, but only recently I had the courage to do anything. I sighed, putting my head in my hands. This was so messed up. What did I deserve to go through this? Life would be so much easier if emotions never existed. Just a blank canvas, with nothing getting in your way. Why couldn't I have that?

"I just want simple things, Lloyd…cuddling in blankets watching films, spending time together, telling bad jokes, just general nice stuff. It's all I want…" As I glanced up at his face, I watched as he smiled. It was genuine, and for that moment, the agonising feeling wreaking havoc with my heart subsided for those precious minutes.

"I'd prefer stuff like that too…." He trailed off, before confusion hit me in the face like a rock. What? He wanted the same things? No, he wasn't speaking directly about me. He was too cute for that, too dense. Yes, he had no idea. "…so would you settle for a friendship if you had to?"

I nodded. I didn't even have to think about my answer. Lloyd was too important to just disappear from my life, even if we did have out ups and downs throughout the years. We were strong, and that meant more than anything.

"Right….okay then."

"Am I making sense?" I had to make sure with Lloyd, he had a tendency to not fully understand the situation, and never say anything about it.

"Yeah…I think so." I smiled ever so faintly, but it was there. I actually felt better, sort of confessing without actually going through with it. A big weight had been lifted from my heart for that moment, and I was grateful for the reprieve. However it didn't last for long.

"Do I know them?" Shit….what now? What was I supposed to say? I didn't have that many friends, and he was bound to cotton on sooner or later. This was becoming so complicated…

"Uh maybe…I don't know…" I was grateful that he didn't push the subject, perhaps because somewhere in that brain of his he had something called 'tact'. I subconsciously breathed a sigh of relief, as the gears of his mind started to piece together our entire conversation.

"Right, so…you like this person, want to be with them, but not sexualyl. You'd wanna be their friend if it came down to it, without losing them. You see them often, so you talk all the time, and you're scared because you have no idea how they're gonna react if you tell them?"

I nodded, surprised that he seemed to understand everything so easily. He was either being the best supportive friend I could ever hope for…or he knew, and wasn't telling me. Whichever side of the coin, the outcome frightened me.

"Have you spoken to them about this?" I had…but again, I couldn't confess that. The cat would be out of the bag, and then that was it. There would be no going back.

"No…"

"Maybe not directly…but dropped hints to try and figure out how'd they react?" I swear, I almost fell off the bed. Oh no…did he know? Was that it? Did he know all along and didn't say anything to spare my feelings? Panic rushed through me, as the words I wanted to say just wouldn't form in my mind.

"Eh… um not that I'm aware of…"

"When will you speak to them again?" Right now you dumb ass idiot! Of course, I didn't say that. Hell no. I'd rather die than full on confess something like that.

"Uh, whenever really. Today, tomorrow, whenever." Once again, his brow furrowed in concentration, and my heart crept its way into my throat. Why was I so scared about this?

"Hmmm…well whoever it is, maybe you need to ease them into it. Don't tell them straight away, and just drop hints."

"What if they're too dense, and don't get it?" This was so true. So true, it hurt. He had to take some time to figure out the right words to say back to that comment, but then it seemed he discovered the right ones.

"Well maybe not 'get it', just so you know how they would react to this…" He was right…but I'd never been good at this sort of thing. After all, it was so new. Usually I didn't get these sorts of feelings at all. I sighed, just wanting to go home right now. I thought that doing this would help in some way, and yet I'd ended up back at square one.

"Either way, I'll always be here to help you if you need it. It might not be useful, but I'm always there for you."

Those were the last words that continued to replay in my mind was I trudged back home, cursing at myself for not coming out with it. Even though he would always be there for me, would he still feel that way once he knew the truth? Would he want to stick around, and see what happened from here? Or would we just remain friends, and carry on as normal?

These were questions that I desired an answer to, yet I was too scared to provide those answers. Perhaps being ignorant to the world is the best medicine to cope. I'd need to ask Lloyd about getting a prescription.

XXX

Fin~