Ok...so I posted this on LiveJournal originally. As kind of a spur of the moment "AGH! I'm so depressed!" kind of thing. But now I'm posting it here. Because there's not enough Koumyou/Ukoku love out there. And this...I actually feel kinda good about this one.
It's easy, being the one to wave goodbye and head off down the road, being the one to turn away and go where I will, leaving behind who I want, when I want. What I didn't anticipate was how much it would hurt being on the receiving end of one of those farewells I'd become so very accustomed to.
I'd made the trip out to see him. Only him. Specifically him. Just as I always do. And yet I managed to come at the most inopportune moment imaginable; he was preparing to leave. Not like I necessarily expected him to be in at this temple all the time, but I had come to expect him to be in for me. Perhaps it was selfish of me...But then I'd never claimed to be any other way.
I stood back as I watched him pack, not willing to help him with his things. It would have been the good thing to do, the mature thing to do, but it would also see him out and away from me sooner than it would have to be. Even with my lack of assistance, he spoke amiably to me, apologizing for the circumstances, explaining to me how he wouldn't be long, wouldn't keep me waiting...His voice was so calm, so level, so...placid. I suppose mine was as well, as I answered him, but I couldn't help but feel...betrayed. Deserted. As unfair as that was to him; I knew he would never do any such thing to anyone, much less myself.
"It will only be a week," he reassured me for what could possibly have been the third time, smiling that radiant smile that seemed to make the stars shine that much brighter.
"Yes, yes. I know." I waved a dismissive hand, smiling for his sake, unable, unwilling, to show him that it hurt. "It's simply that..."
You've never left me behind before...
No. Those words would cause him undue pain; pain I didn't feel the desire to be the source of. I opted for a more...fitting description of my 'concerns':
"It's simply that, without the light of the moon, the night is no different from any other shadow."
He looked up from his packing and stared at me curiously, straightening up carefully. "Then what of an eclipse, hmm?"
I blinked quietly, my smile twisting crookedly. "An eclipse is when the night steals the moon for itself, hiding it from the world for what little time it can. The night is well aware that the moon cannot be owned, cannot be claimed, but it is willing to try. If only for a stolen moment of ownership."
"I see," he chuckled softly, shaking his head and glancing back at his bags. "Perhaps the night must find greater faith in its own existence. It does, after all, hold the stars. And with or without the moon, every man can recognize the night for its own glory."
That was the last thing he said to me before he left, the last thing I heard from him before watching his back as he wandered away from me. He had such a lovely way of speaking, such a captivating personality...He was everything I wasn't. He was the only thing that could ever complete me. And he was the only thing I could never have.
Time and time again, the moon would slip from my hold. I would watch the light escape me with a smile and a wave, a reassurance that he would return. And I believed him. I had to. Part of me was terrified to be faced with nothing but my own spanning darkness.
I suppose...part of me still is. And, perhaps, Koumyou's child recognized that. Perhaps that is why I'll never see the light I so desperately long for ever again...