All Things Unholy
Can you imagine what would happen if Bakura met with people a little on the holy side? The obsessively religious type who would christen their pets with holy water, and shun people who eat 'devil's food cake' just because it sounds evil? Who would not hesitate to withdraw a stake and cross at the mention of the word 'vampire', even if it were dropped in the middle of a supermarket, on the October the 30th? We are talking Ned Flanders here, with a bit of Van Helsing mixed in. Today, God-fearing and holy meets with the proud King of Thieves, The Darkness himself. This is bound to get nasty.
Author's Note: Hello all, this is my first published story, although I have many in the works. This is a one-shot. It was originally created for a laugh in a letter between a friend and me. I ended up deciding that it should be able to entertain other people as well, so here it is.
You're going to soon realise that there are two characters present that are unfamiliar to us - Audrey and Jessica. You're then going to realise that these two must have come from somewhere. Perhaps?...No! Not an author's character! I know, I know, putting my own character in is not on. I'm committing true literary sin. It suits the title.
But...I think Bakura is cute. And my friend likes Seto. Well, who doesn't? I mean, why else do we put effort into our fan fiction, if not to enjoy the characters? If you can't handle this then by all means, leave now and miss out on what could have been a small brightener to your day. You never know, you might just enjoy it.
Don't be put off with the image of little miss Jessica and her perfect friend Audrey - she is no Hepburn nice-girl. They both have their share of entertaining little quirks. And hey, by all means, go ahead and inject you own name instead of these ones if you want to. They don't have to represent anybody really, apart from two mischief makers that cause trouble for poor Bakura...oops! I've said too much. Best you get on with reading it now.
The idea of having yourself judged, as well as your work, is a little unnerving. It's also putting me at the risk of a lot of hateful reviews. I'm ok with that, as long as I can get a laugh out of you. Enjoy!
Mental afterthought/the voice of reason
'What are you thinking, child? You put your own character into the story. Dan-ger-ous! This is your first one, and you go do something crazy. Like, call me when the flaming ends. '
Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi. Other forms of copyright protected art and literature mentioned are also not my property. The names used for the two added characters are not real. I do not wish to offend anybody with the mentioning of religion.
Rating: K+ and almost asking for Trouble
The two girls have been at each other's throats for days now. Not that they hated each other. It was just that they found life more exciting this way. And better still, they could now drag anime people into it.
They liked to build up their game nice and slow.
First it was Jessica pointing out that her friend, Audrey, had failed to notice she was dating a devil, who in true form sported an unsightly giant dragon's head for a...tail. Audrey could only point out how this was a good thing, with a mischievous grin on her face as Bakura chuckled wickedly beside her. Then it was Bakura on Audrey's behalf, who was telling this Jessica person that she was acting like 'such a nun'. Which only served as a reminded to Jessica that Bakura had once destroyed a local church's 18th century stained-glass windows, in a fit of demonic rage while fighting with Ryou. It then only seemed to her natural that this church should be the source of his demise. And it was only a matter of time before the tit-for-tat argument turned into an all out war.
And now, we enter just as Jessica has done the unforgivable; she has just unleashed a hoard of nuns, priests and exorcists to attack the devious Bakura and her arch rival, having them ambushed in the street while on their way to take turns spitting off a nearby city over pass. A priest has just thrown the first assault, hurling a thick Bible at Audrey's head.
"What the devil?"
Bakura stands paralysed to the spot. He turns his head rigidly to see Audrey unconscious on the pavement, the offending missile lying between her motionless head and her bent arm; in this position from being raised, all too late, to protect herself.
He looks up to see that what looks like a random group of angry, fully robed mob who have slowed their pace and broken battle formation to close in on him in a tight circle, their crosses and Bibles raised. They pause to scowl at their victim, shooting looks of disapproval and disgust at poor Bakura. They know what he has done to their church, and just how 'wicked' a boy he is. He hears the clink of rosary beads around their waists, reminding him of the metallic rattle of the spurs on cowboy boots in a country western movie. The air is thick with tension.
One large nun, the stern type you would imagine belongs in every Catholic school kid's worst nightmare, mutters something bitterly in Latin to the others, which causes them to hold back their attacks. Her heavy frame lumbers forward, allowing Bakura the 'privilege' of surveying his opponent. Her weather-beaten face is dark, wrinkled and riddled with moles, and in Bakura's mind strongly similar to the texture of elephant skin. Her chin is covered with prickly white hairs, and her teeth are as jagged as ocean cliff rocks, with just as many missing ones as present. His liquid brown eyes meet with her harsh grey orbs, and she stares him down like so many torturous steel crucifixes. She wields a large super soaker (you heard) loaded with what he can only hope is holy or garlic water, and nothing worse...Bakura begins conversation, aiming to ease out of the situation through manipulative charm alone.
"My, my...I'm...Well I've been taken by quite a surprise..."
His faltering tone is cut into by her harsh shriek.
"Look at ze mess voo haveh made! Our bveautivul church vas vuined! Vell? Vhat have voo to say forr yourselveh? Ehh?"
Moments pass with neither speaking, and while her expressions remain simply stern, the nun's aggravation grows. Finally her distracting mono brow takes on a life of its own, frowning contemptuously at Bakura, who jumps back in grossed out terror.
Catching breath, Bakura takes a moment to himself. He grins with some of that irrepressible cheek, "I should really tell her that she has a giant caterpillar living above her eyes, shouldn't I..."
Another nun snaps at him, "HEY VOO! Look at ze Sister vhen she adrhezzez voo!'
He blinks at the interruption, staring around to realise that these windbags are growing impatient. He must find a way to stall. The large nun's hands tremble, hovering above the handle of her weapon. Her eyes reduce to slits as she surveys the demon boy poised in front of her. She raises her super soaker and aims it at Bakura's smug face.
"Spveak!" she hisses.
Recognising the beast-in-nun's-clothing as their leader, he knows he must endeavour to win her over.
"Honestly Sister, where did you get that...accent? Your mother must have been raised in France, and your father would have come from the Vatican, but not before living a harsh existence in the Transylvanian Alps. Ahh...let's just call yours 'European' to be safe," Bakura breaks a large smile.
Smile after insulting the Vatican. Oh, that was so the WORST thing to do.
"Vell, I see zat ve haveh nothinge morre to svay to zis vagabonde!"
"Vait! Ahem, I mean, Wait!" He throws up his hands, hoping to sooth the mob. "I do have something to say...I...Well, I never thought nuns could be SO evil! That's all."
They resume their advance.
"Wait! To me that's a great compliment! Really, I am quite impressed by your ferocity," he nods encouragingly to the enclosing circle, but his hopes sink as he sees their faces ice over.
From her vantage point up on a grassy hill, Jessica laughs mercilessly as Seto smirks with an upturned nose. They sit on a bench that rests just inside the boundaries of the city park. Bakura thinks he sees Seto holding up his camera phone. Is he videoing this event?
Eying them bitterly from a distance, Bakura shudders at a sudden though. It is worse than the idea of being bear-tackled by a gang of 70 year olds that smell of church, worse than a hundred glomps by ecstatic fan girls with wet panties, worse than being called 'kitty' by Audrey over and over again...well, he is secretly fond of that. It is the idea that right now, he is at risk of loosing to mister money bags and his even viler master.
Bakura shudders again, emitting a low growl, "Oh, not while my middle name is Beelzebub!"
He looks back to face his tormentors, rage in his eyes. "Alright, you freaks! You force me to go beyond the threshold of normal terror, to overcome the most evil of all threats by means of the most ...holy. Yes, what I am about to do will have you shaking in your wimples! Now prepare to meet the bringer of your destruction!"
He begins to whisper to himself quickly in the uniquely bitter tone he reserves for only one person, "I hope you were paying attention back there, mortal. People are here, and they want to hear you sing..."
Bakura turns to stare down the barrel of the super soaker one last time before he announces with a sharp, wicked laugh, "I give you...RYOU!"
The group stares in surprise as the teen's stature shrinks an inch, his frame looses bulk, his scowl dissapears, and his pupils gloss over to become those big innocent eyes that could only come from an anime character. The boy's hair de-horns itself with unnatural speed. The nuns, priests and exorcists are at a loss.
A meek voice gently breaks the silence.
"Hello everyone."
And they are met with the doe-eyed stare of Ryou Bakura.
Bam.
"Oh he is so precious!"
"Look at ze angel!"
If they were Japanese nuns, priests and exorcists, they would have said 'kawaii'. The lead nun however, is not taken so easily, "Dvon't vall vor this! Vese are devils tricks!"
The group pauses, unsure of Ryou's true nature. Watching from within, Bakura knows now is make-or-break time, and his harsh voice urges Ryou on, "Sing damn it! Open that gullet and sing!"
Ryou opens his mouth to release one pure, longstanding note. It leaves the people with shivers down their spines. As he continues singing, they nuns one by one lower their weapons of choice. Even the large nun has dropped her super soaker within minutes. By the end of his made up song (a sickening ramble about birds and deer and rainbows, and other happy-crappy things) the group are standing with their shoulders sagged, their heads tilted and their trembling hands wiping away tears. As he finishes his last note, nuns from all sides run to embrace him. They seem to like his style; go figure.
"Help!" He is overcome by the joyous mob, his frail limbs struggling oh so pathetically against the sea of unusual robes and headgear.
"No, you are not going anywhere today!"
"Our little angel!"
"What a sweet boy!"
"Look at his beautiful hair, it's like a halo!"
"Yes, a halo from God!"
"And the face! A face this innocent can't possibly be evil!"
"Little angel, sing for us in our choir. Every Sunday people will be honoured to hear your contribution to The Lord!"
"Oh, but I couldn't possibly! Not in front of all those people, I-" Ryou is cut off by a temptation.
"Vee have cake..."
Internally, Bakura nods his head, "Ah, so we have cookies, and they have cake. It makes sense."
"How about we have a trial run?" Ryou reasons.
"Yes, let us take today to teach you the ways of Christ. Come with us!" The group hurry off, all vying positions to be near the angel boy, or devil boy...or however you look at it. Smiling, the nuns take grip of his shoulders and steer him to their local church, forgetting entirely that it was 'he' who broke their windows. They spend their time picnicking and praying and singing and - oh my god, it's just like in The Sound of Music!
But the dispersing crowd did not turn their heads as they left, to notice a girl suddenly rising to life from the pavement.
"Suckers."
Audrey smirks and kicks the Bible below her, sending it a good few feet. She strolls triumphantly up the hill to meet her friend, and eyes down Seto's glare at her approach.
"Did you really think that nuns would work? NUNS?"
"Well it was worth a shot," Jessica replies defiantly as she gets off the park bench, "And they did get you with that Bible."
"Ha! But they failed on what you intended. See Jess. Don't mess with the Kitty," she points at Jess, "Taking on pure evil and pure angelic-ness in the same being has proved an impossible task for your gullible, pansy nuns and priests. Honestly, you gave the big one a super soaker? Gimme a break!"
Audrey's scoff ends as she realises what is befalling the nun's victim at this very moment, "Oh...but poor Bakura, having to suffer an afternoon...IN CHURH."
The next half hour is spent with Seto casually editing the new video on his phone, grinning at the scene of Bakura with his arms raised pleadingly to a group of old ladies. Meanwhile, Jessica and Audrey sit beside him, arguing over who's crazed revenge plans are the more ingenious, "...and after that I'm going to have him rob your boyfriend's bank safe, and blow the bank up just to teach them never to hold Seto Kaiba's goods again. Yea. They you'll have nothing to buy items to revenge at me with. Not to mention those butt ugly tops you keep picking out. Like, honestly, I know you like all things Indian, but we don't wear paisley unless we have to."
Audrey's pretend shudder at Jess' top is a replicant of Bakura's one earlier on, but then something else catches her eye.
"Oh dear...did you tell them to prepare for shooting vampires or something?" She holds her nose and points towards the base of the hill, where a small cannon on wheels has been abandoned. The wind blows behind it and uphill, bringing with it the stench of garlic.
"Uhh, no," Jessica wonders why the unused cannon smells so strongly of garlic. Just then, a drunken priest rolls into view from inside the cannon barrel, lying on his back as he empties a wine flask above his head. Even from this distance, they can hear him let loose a fart, as it echoes proudly in the cannon barrel. The three cringe and turn away in disgust as the breeze carries fresh aroma towards them.
"I think he likes Indian food," Seto turns away, his face going green.
Audrey tries to hold down her stomach, "Oh geez. Ok, I'm outta here." She walks quickly down the other side of the hill to safety and clean oxygen.
In his mind he knows well that his Jess unashamedly charges everything to his account. And looking down on the scene below him, Seto tries his darndest not to dwell over how much that cannon has cost him, let alone think of its newly updated 'special feature'.
"Hey I'm not done with you!" Jessica makes the mistake of opening her mouth atop the hill in the midst of the 'breeze', breathing fumes up her nose and coughing hard. In frustration she runs down the side of the hill to chase her irritating friend, with Seto striding calmly behind. At the base of the hill they both hear her Audrey talking to herself as she walks away,
"And to think, all he had to say was, 'I give you Ryou!'- no fake compliments, no side commentary...although, that one nun is in need of a professional waxer to tackle her 'caterpillar' problem... hehe, good one Kitty."
"Whoa whoa, wait! How do you know what happened?" Jessica catches up to her and stands in her path, raising her voice to be more commanding, "How do you know what was said back there? They knocked you out!"
Audrey bows her head in her trademark sneaky smile, then glances upwards, her voice lowered for effect, "Ok, ok...I was playing dead."
"WHAT? No way!"
"Yes way. I came-to, right around the time they has us surrounded. But I figured that then wasn't the best time to present myself as conscious...Poor Bakura, your sacrifice shall be remembered!" Staring off into the sky, she fakes an honourable salute.
Jessica fumes and shakes her friend by the shoulders, "He's not dead, you fool!"
Audrey laughs freely, she to Seto, seeming almost like Noah that time his cyber world was shutting down and he was loosing his sanity, causing him to spin in manic circles.
"Oh, I sacrificed. I doubt the stink of old lady will ever leave my hikari now. Not that HE minds..."
Jessica and her tall slave boy whip around to the direction of the familiar voice. Audrey stands still and lowers her head, closing her eyes and smiling at the speed of her recognition,
"Oh stop complaining...Kitty."
"Maybe when hell freezes over, I might consider it," Bakura walks on the grass, speaking over her shoulder.
"Maybe, when the nuns come looking for you, I might hand you to them by your cat collar."
"I told you not to bring that up again!"
Abruptly, she spies a friend in the distance and so waves away Bakura's last comment, "Hey look! It's DD!"
"Who?"
Audrey runs over to the figure, which seems to know her too, and together they walk back over.
"Bakura this is Duke, Duke this is Bakura. Oh and my 'friend', Jess...and her boy toy...uh, I don't know what its name is."
Seto scowls as Devlin happily shakes his hand and turns to meet Bakura. Tired of being left in the back row, Seto decides to make his own entertainment by putting these losers in their place. Quickly, he trips up Devlin, who falls face first into Bakura. They lie dizzy on the grass while Seto smiles, walking away nonchalantly.
Typically, Audrey stands over the fallen pair and begins to chant, "D-D and Ki-tty, sitting in a tree; K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
From their place on the ground, Duke makes his signature pout and Bakura scowls like the kitty he is, swiping up at her. They both yell back, "Shut it!"
"Jessica, stop laughing!" Bakura glares at the giggling girl who has caused his overall suffering, and then at Seto who caused this humiliation.
Then at Duke for still being on top of him.
Then at Audrey for calling him Kitty yet again.
Then at Jessica again for good measure.
Then at the ice cream van across the other side of the park, because it was too colourful for his liking.
Then at the dogs barking as their owners play soccer.
Then at the laughter of children...
You get the idea. He hates us all. Good Kitty.
The End