Randomness
A strange planet appeared on the Enterprise's screen. "Oh dear," Captain Kirk said. "We'd better go check it out. It'll probably be full of weird aliens in funny pajama pants outfits. C'mon Spock, let's go get McCoy. Oh, and we'd better get a couple of guys in red shirts, even though it's just to make the landing party look bigger since we always send our most important people anyway."
ooo00ooo
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy entered the transporter room, where Scotty was at the controls. There were also two guys in red shirts standing in the transporter, talking, but as the officers walked in, they looked up.
"Sorry," one of them said, "but we're two nameless guys in red shirts and we'll probably die almost as soon as we set foot on the planet. So we're not going."
"You have to go," Kirk said. "If you don't die, we can't build suspense for the audience."
"We don't care," Red Shirt Number Two said. "It's not worth it."
"If you don't come, Gene won't pay you," Kirk said.
"Oh all right," they said. "Nameless red-shirted guys don't always die. Maybe we'll get lucky."
"Scotty, you're in charge while we're gone," Kirk said as he stepped onto the transporter, "You're the next most important character even though you're an engineer and I tend to fluctuate between putting you and Sulu in charge. Okay, beam us down."
"Don't mix my medicines with Scotch," McCoy admonished as the five were beamed down to the planet. The landing party looked around.
"Yes! Scenery!" Kirk yelled. He jumped onto a styrofoam rock and began to chew ferociously.
"Jim, don't do that. You'll get xenopolycythemia," McCoy said.
"Who cares?" Kirk answered, spitting out bits of styrofoam. "We found the cure for that on a spaceship pretending to be a planet with that chick who for some random reason thought you were hot. And then you left her for no reason whatsoever. You have a screwed up love life."
"I had to leave her because the writers made me," McCoy said indignantly. "If I left, the show would have been messed up and you know it. And it's not like you have any room to talk. You fell in love with an earth woman you had to let die to save the world. Not to mention a lady who switched bodies with you and tried to have us all executed. I could go on and on! Who's more screwed up now?"
"You were also in love with a monster that tried to kill me."
"I thought it was Nancy!"
"Spock," Kirk said, turning to his first officer, "Who do you think is right?"
"You are both being illogical."
"Oh come on, Spock," McCoy said. "This is a parody. Go ahead and give vent to your emotions."
"I can't. I'm Spock."
"Hey, we're not dead yet!" Red Shirt Number One yelled randomly.
"We haven't seen any aliens yet, either," Red Shirt Number Two warned. "When they show up, we'll get killed. You watch." Red Shirt Number One's face fell.
"I suppose you're right," he said glumly. "Oh, well. Maybe the planet's uninhabited. It could be. Look, the captain's chewing on the scenery already and there aren't any aliens here to see."
"Yeah, but he does that whenever he can."
"I am George Takei!"
Everyone turned their heads to see Sulu dancing around a few feet away, pumping a fist in the air.
"Sulu!" Kirk exclaimed. "How did you get down here?"
"I am George Takei!" Sulu shouted again. "I am amazing!"
"No you're not," Kirk said, leaving his rock to confront his lieutenant. "You're Mr. Sulu and you're supposed to be on the bridge. How did you get down here?"
"I am George Takei!" Sulu yelled for the third time, completely ignoring Captain Kirk. "I am amazing and in 40 years I get to be a Hero's father – literally – and I get to be a guy that Turk wants to get married byand I get to complain about blueberries to a fake psychic! How awesome is that?"
"Shut up," Kirk said. "You're Mr. Sulu right now and you'd better act like it or Gene will get mad. It's a good thing I didn't leave you in charge."
"I am George Takei!" Sulu danced madly.
"George, you are being illogical," Spock told him.
"Don't call him George," Kirk said. "That's only encouraging him." Kirk felt around his mouth with his tongue. "I wish this show would get a better budget. That rock tasted terrible."
"After what you made me work with in 1930 Captain, I do not think you are qualified to complain about budget," Spock said.
"That wasn't my fault!" Kirk exclaimed.
"You required me to make high-technological, specialized equipment with very few resources."
"That wasn't my fault!"
"There was no platinum and I was forced to steal the tools that I needed."
"That wasn't my fault!"
"I am George Takei!"
"Sulu, will you stop doing that?" McCoy asked.
"Oh no!" Red Shirt Number One shouted. "The aliens are finally here!"
And there they were. A man and a woman wearing pink pajama pants with purple polka dots and red shirts stood before the landing party, staring at them in perplexity. Kirk was walking carefully toward them, preparing to speak to them in a succession of pauses when he noticed the oversized gerbil in the woman's hand.
"Oh no. She has a tribble!" he shouted. "We need to beam back to the ship!"
"I am George Takei…" Sulu began half-heartedly.
"Shut up, Sulu," Captain Kirk said, flipping open his communicator. "We don't have time for that now. We need to get back to the ship – you have to be Sulu there."
"Oh all right," Sulu said. "I'll be Sulu. But later I will George Takei and I will be amazing!" He rubbed his hands together excitedly.
"Beam me up, Scotty," Kirk said into the communicator. "Dang it, wrong line. I mean, beam everybody else up, too."
"Yay, we're going to live!" Red Shirts One and Two yelled.
"Technically, you should have died by now," Kirk said. He looked around at the landing party. "None of this ever happened." The landing party nodded, and they all beamed back up to the Enterprise.
The End
I apologize that the redshirts didn't die, but they were so happy that they were still alive that I just didn't have the heart to kill them off. My inspiration for this was a conversation with a friend on the bus about how amazing George Takei is. He was showing me an episode of Heroes on his iPod. Then I wrote this and thought it was really random - hence it's name. The comment about fluctuation between leaving Sulu and Scotty in charge came from The Omega Glory. I'm not really sure how often Sulu is in charge and I apologize for any inaccuracy. Please tell me what you think!