That Sonic Heroes Spoof!
By Mecha Scorpion and Game Lord
One-shot only. Please review.
Note: Parts of this fic are in bold. If you don't find any bold or if some parts don't look right that are in bold, e-mail me or tell me in a review.
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So Eggman was sitting around at his base, having the time of his life staring at a wall, when a wave of inspiration hit him.
"That's it!" he cackled, seizing a bag of Oreos from the counter. Chocolate crumbs sprayed from his mouth with the force of freight trains, wiping out all of his robots in the room. "I shall invent a device with the potential to destroy the world!"
Metal Sonic stepped in, avoiding a chocolate crumb by courageously sacrificing another, less important robot in his place. "So what makes this different from all the other devices?"
"Um… it will… um… well, THIS time," said Eggman, shooting more crumbs and causing Metal Sonic to dodge them like the Matrix, "Sonic the Hedgehog will be completely unprepared! He and his friends will receive no warning?"
"Oh, like in the form of a highly specific letter, perhaps," sneered Metal Sonic.
"Good work," Eggman approved. "Random robot number seventy six! Go write a letter to Sonic that tells my entire plan to him!"
"First of all," Metal Sonic spat angrily, "you don't even know your entire plan yet, you've only known any of it for the last four minutes. Second of all, WHY would you do something like that?"
"So… um… so Sonic will TRY to defeat me, but in the attempt he will die or defeat me, either one works," said Eggman. Metal Sonic slapped his forehead, but in the process an Oreo crumb knocked him out of a window. Eggman smiled triumphantly.
"At last, the world is mine! Bwahahahaha!"
In a muddy ditch two miles west of Eggman's base, Metal Sonic cursed angrily. "I'm not serving that fool any longer! I'll have to prepare my own plan!"
Far away, Sonic the Hedgehog was at his house, courageously and heroically watching television. It was for the good of the country, he told Tails each and every night. If he did not sit and watch catastrophes on CNN that he could easily be preventing himself, the world would… um… exist.
Knuckles dropped in, playing catchy rap music. Sonic shot his CD player. There was a long fight, then Knuckles just decided to watch TV.
Tails dashed into the room, tripping on his overly long tails and landing on his newest revolutionary invention, which in this case happened to be Sonic's couch. "Sonic, I've got good news, great news, and bad news!"
"Oh, yeah, cause it's not like I'm in the room or anything," Knuckles snarled.
"What's the good news?" Sonic asked, turning the TV off.
"The good news," Tails said, his babyish voice threatening to break all the windows, "is that Eggman has sent us a letter, telling us his next plan!"
Sonic grabbed the letter, even though Tails hadn't taken it into the room or offered it to him, and read it. "Guess what Sonic Heroes? I've given you an irrelevant name that you will use throughout the game… er, life even though you're supposed to hate me! In three days I will have constructed the best weapon a newborn baby has ever seen! Think you can stop me? It's not like I wrote a blueprint for it on the back of this paper, along with my travel schedule! Wait a… um, do not look on the back of this paper. Well, gotta go practice my Oreo crumb target practice. Evil laughter." The letter dropped to the floor. Sonic picked up. Darn pork rinds, making his hands slippery…
"Well, we'll discuss this after I've heard the rest," he said. "What's the bad news, Tails?"
"The bad news is that the toilet was clogged four weeks ago," Tails growled angrily, "and nobody bothered to fix it!"
Knuckles turned the TV back on, looking nervous.
Sonic glared daggers at Knuckles as he heard a pipe explode downstairs. "All right, the great news better be great…"
"I saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gei-"
Sonic dropkicked him out of the room, looking absolutely furious. "That does it! Tails buying communist insurance! Knuckles clogging the toilet! Me stuck saving the world more times than Scooby-Doo! The horror will never cease!"
"Scooby-Doo never saved the world, just Old Man Winters or some abandoned submarine factory," Knuckles snarled. On the TV, Scooby-Doo chased down Old Man Winters through a submarine factory, while Shaggy acted stupid as usual. "Plus, Geico is not communist. Also, I didn't clog the toilet!"
"Sure," Sonic smiled. "Anyway, we'll just have to go stop him, going from place to place for no reason, even though the only four places we really need to go are Rail Canyon, Bullet Station, and the two parts of Eggman's final base."
On some lovely beach, Amy Rose was sunbathing, looking at a picture of Sonic in the newspaper. "Oh, Sonic," she said, not taking any time to examine the very relevant and shocking headline that was in bigger print than Sonic's picture. "How I wish you were here with me… We could go to the castle together…" She looked toward a large sand castle the size of a real building, built on the beach.
The tide came in, and the foundations of sand began to crumble. Big began to scream and wail. "Oh no, Froggy! All is lost, all is lost!" He began to heroically use Cream as a flotation device, forcing her head underwater and knocking one of her Chaos, Chocola, away. In retaliation, the small Chao grabbed Froggy and pulled it away with it. Both were swept out to sea. Cream and Big lay struggling on the shore.
Amy was so astonished that she let go of the newspaper clipping. Cream and Big demonstrated their special abilities (meaning Cream flew through the air and Big used his umbrella as a safety landing for Cream) and retrieved the paper.
"Hey look!" Amy said. "Sonic is off chasing Eggman! We have to catch him!"
"First," squeaked Cream, "I want to punish this big oaf for knocking away Chocola!"
"I did no such thing!" protested Big, thinking fast, meaning at 6 thoughts an hour. "Um… Eggman took them!"
"He what?" said Amy. "Come on, guys, we have to get revenge on Eggman! Come on!"
"But Miss Amy, he-"
"I don't want to hear it!" said Amy. "Big, do you know where he is?"
"I'm afraid not. I can't think too much more or my average will be off. Come back in an hour!" Big grinned stupidly and ran off with them. Cream snarled angrily, but followed. Cheese the Chao began to swear.
"That piece of I'm gonna kick his mother that stupid-"
"Cheese T. Chao!" Cream said, astonished. "Well, I never!"
Big paused. Maybe she had changed her mind…
"You used a two-syllable word! Good job!"
Big wanted to scream.
Far away, yet again, in Team Chaotix Offices, all was still. Espio was sleeping calmly and peacefully, meaning he occasionally launched shuriken and throwing knives across the room, barely avoiding electrical wires and piles of paperwork. Vector snored loudly from his bed on the couch, blowing a wad of bubblegum so large that his head was occasionally lifted off of the pillow. Charmy was in a small shoebox lined with Styrofoam packing pellets and dishtowels, his wings flapping. Then the alarm clock went off.
"B-" it began to beep, and Espio threw six katanas at it. It flew out the window and was never seen again. However, it was heard again. It beeped perfectly clearly.
Espio, squinting in the early light, took out a small pistol that he kept for emergencies (like shifty-looking pieces of furniture and large shadows) and shot out of the window. A fire escape fell on the alarm clock, as well as three bullets.
"Beep, beep, beep," it continued.
Espio swore loudly until Charmy, had he been awake, would have been scarred for life. Of course, he already was from the time that Espio had mistaken him for a rabid spoon. But that's another story. The chameleon got dressed, meaning he put on his gloves, and strode out the door, carrying a bazooka the size of Kansas.
Vector woke up to hear cursing the likes of which even Cheese the Chao would not use. Sunlight, flames and explosions lighted the window. The melody of beeping, swearing and destruction filled the air.
"Why won't you DIE?" screamed Espio, blown into the room by a misplaced explosion. "I guess there's only one choice…" Espio raised the pistol to his own head. "Vector, I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong. There's only one way out of this…" He shot.
The alarm clock that had been strapped to his head stopped working. There was no more beeping.
"YOU IDIOT!" screamed Charmy, waking up. "The only thing that could be stupider is if I forgot that we had a message from our first employer in months! Oh, wait a sec…" He pulled a dusty, apple-juice-stained communicator thing out of his pants. "I found this yesterday."
"You aren't wearing any pants," Vector objected.
"I didn't say I was wearing pants, I said that I took something out of a pair of my pants," Charmy winked. After being thrown out the window by Vector, the two detectives looked at the communicator. Suddenly it was launched off in some direction. Espio threw a knife at it. The knife hit the communicator, damaging it beyond repair.
Then Charmy came up, holding a more realistic communicator. "That was a decoy," he explained. They all listened to the message.
"I've heard good things about you, Espio, Vector and Charmy," said the client. "Your last case- retrieving that 6-year-old's teddy bear six months ago- showed real talent. You're clearly skilled. Only a genius could have thought to look in the 6-year-old's hands. Anyway, I have a few… jobs… I would like you to do. I can pay… meaning I know how to pay. I know your work will be outstandingly amazing and that you will perform well for little money." Vector's convenient habit of selective hearing allowed him to hear the words in bold. His eyes turned into dollar signs for no reason and then changed back. A cash register went off as it fell on Espio, who had been about to say it wasn't a good idea. Charmy whistled innocently.
"You'll receive your first assignment tomorrow. Be at the beach if you know what's good for you. The rest of your life will be filled with working… if you work for me, anyway. Grant me this favor, and I'll trick you and make you miserable. Bye." The communicator turned off. Charmy had basically heard the same thing. Dragging Espio's body behind them, they went off in search of their assignment.
Back at Eggman's base, Rouge the Bat fell through the ceiling, dodging around imaginary security traps. She opened the door and stepped into the vault.
It was pitch black, so she took out a torch and set the nearest object on fire to provide light. Then she realized it was a robot, Omega.
"Oh," she said. "Um, sorry about the whole setting-on-fire th-"
The robot flicked out two enormous machine guns and opened fire. Rouge hid herself cleverly behind a fragile glass capsule. Out of it burst a hedgehog. The robot began to fire at it instead.
"Stop! Both of you!" cried Rouge. "What's going on?"
After ten minutes of exposition that nobody wanted to listen to, Rouge got the idea.
"So, you're in here because Eggman locked you in here…" Rouge said to Omega, "and the same for you, Shadow? And I'm here because I went in here?"
All nodded.
"Boy, what a variety of character development," she said.
"Error, error, sarcasm," Omega said. Shadow clocked him over the head.
"Oh yeah baby!" Rouge said. "This ten minutes of attacking each other viciously and then bonding makes us a team!"
So, all four teams went to the beach area. Rouge, Omega and Shadow went because it was nice and sunny. Sonic and his pals went because Knuckles needed a tan. Team Rose went because of Big's incredible incapability of reading a map that led directly to the Permanently Defeat Eggman Button. Finally, Team Chaotix went because their client had them collecting hermit crabs.
"Hermit crabs!" roared Espio, who had no memory of accepting this job. "I'm not collecting any hermit crabs!"
"Vector, talk some sense into this fool," ordered the client. "Is he clueless? You know that we don't have a chance if Espio doesn't prove how much of a mastermind he is! And that goes for you too, Charmy! Prove to me that you are a master of dumb brute force, Vector, and everything will be just fine! Is that clear, people?"
Vector, who had never had the greatest grasp on geography, or was it grammar, he always forgot which, nodded. Espio was confused at this oddness, and so was Charmy, but they nodded.
"…"
Then they said yes.
"Good! Now start searching!"
Far away, Team Sonic was already running from the giant boulder. Knuckles was playing a rap remix of the Indiana Jones music.
"According to my calculations," Tails said, "there's a 56 chance that a boulder is rolling toward us!" Sonic felt like screaming. "Also, it's big enough that it could crush us!" Knuckles slapped him across the mouth and they kept running.
Team Rose was even further ahead. The Egg Hawk was circling.
"You fools!" cried Eggman. "I'll blast you apart, using my general logic that nothing controlled by a video game player should live! Not even me, in Eggman Adventure: Suicidal Director's Cut! I died millions of-"
"Save it, Eggman," Amy called. "We know you took Chocola and Froggy!"
"Preposterous! The very idea!" snorted Eggman. "That wasn't supposed to go into effect until the 16th!"
"Eggman, it's the 19th," Cream said. "But you didn't take them… Big did!"
"Uh… duh… um… Eggman, you bad man!" said Big pointlessly.
The Egg Hawk began to charge up its cannons. Team Rose raced after it.
Then Team Dark began to fight Eggman later, for some reason that had nothing to do with having a short segment with all the teams. Omega shot flame after bullet after parakeet at the Egg Hawk. Rouge launched Shadow. Shadow used the Homing Attack. Nothing worked.
"We'll just have to use… TEAM BLAST!" shouted Rouge. A whole bunch of colors flashed onscreen.
"Curses!" screamed Eggman. "My vision is distorted! This is almost like the time I sucked that 'salt' through a straw into my nose!" He took off his swim goggles. By then, Omega had defeated him.
"I won't forget this," vowed Eggman, making a dignified retreat, if by 'dignified' you mean 'waddling away as fast as his disgustingly tight pants would allow.'
"We win," said everyone at once. Yes, Eggman had used clones once again. He was probably just sitting on the couch at home, spitting Oreo crumbs in the TV surround sound system. There was a burst of released pressure, followed by a colossal explosion. Eggman's TV was destroyed.
"Darn!" he shouted. "Then I guess I'll just populate a city with my robots…. FOR NO REASON! Then, I'll tell… er… the client will tell Chaotix to destroy all of them! I just hope that Vector's defective hearing doesn't mess it all up as usual…"
Team Dark showed up at the city level.
"This place is swarming with robots," Rouge said unnecessarily.
"Watch out- enemies ahead," Omega said pointlessly, gesturing at a robot two inches from them.
"I have black fur," said Shadow, in a way that suggested that the rest of their lives would be profoundly changed by this. All glared at him.
"I did NOT clog that toilet!" Knuckles screamed as he kicked a robot into oblivion…. Er, a wall.
Sonic rolled his eyes. "Whatever ya say, Pipestopper McFlushcanceller!"
This made so little sense that Tails decided to burst in with a far more important comment. "Geico is not communistic!"
"No… just cannibalistic! Mwahahahahaha!" shouted Team Rose as they burst in.
"AMY!" screamed Sonic. "What are YOU doing here?"
"Time to marry me, Sonic!"
"I lawfully wed you man and wife," said Tails, not understanding that Sonic had no desire to be married. "You may kiss the-"
"BIATCH!" roared Sonic. "I refuse!"
They began a long, dragged-out fight. Which neither of them won. Amy just chased Sonic away, while Knuckles kicked Big and Cream tried to flirt with Tails.
OK, back to the Chaotix. They were misinterpreting their client's directions yet again.
"He said to defeat all the enemies!" Espio argued.
"No he didn't!" Vector yelled. "He said I was better than any of you and a hero to boot! Tell him, Mr. McClientface!"
The client sighed. "Vector, I told you that you're supposed to defeat all the robots! Defeat a robot, then another robot, etcetera! I would expect more from a hero like you! And I trust you'll act better from now on, better than the other fools I hired! That goes for you too, Espio and Charmy!"
"Oh, keep your cash, sir, we're going," mumbled Vector in a daze. Espio slapped his own forehead.
At the end for Team Dark, they were having trouble getting to the goal ring.
"Stop!" commanded an old man guarding the bridge to it. "He who would pass the Bridge of Leading to a Ring Thingy must answer me these questions three, ere the other side you see!"
"I watched a movie like this once," said Rouge. "Monty Anaconda and the Religious Liarg."
"You mean Monty Python and the Holy Grail?"
"Eh, maybe…"
"Is this place swarming with robots?" he asked Rouge.
"Yes…"
"Are there robots ahead?"
"Yes…"
"Is Shadow's fur black?"
"Yes…" Rouge went across the bridge.
Omega went forward.
"Is this place swarming with robots?"
"Affirmative."
"Are there robots ahead?"
"Most likely."
"Did Knuckles clog the toilet or not?"
"Um…. Well…" Omega went flying over the side of the bridge.
"Stop!" he said to Shadow. "Is this place swarming with robots?"
"Yes…"
"Are there robots ahead?"
"Sure, why not."
"Is Geico insurance communistic or not?"
"Russian communistic or Cuban communistic?" said Shadow, even though there wasn't much of a difference between the two.
"Um…" The old man went flying over the edge. Shadow warped Omega out with Chaos Computer, er…. Condominium… Control, that was the one. They reached the goal ring, da da da da!
So Sonic, Tails and Knuckles were strolling along a casino place.
"Sonic, we only have 24 hours, even though the game… er, three days is barely a fourth of the way done," said Tails.
"Well, the best solution is to play casino games," said Sonic, "for as long as it takes until we remember we need to save the world. Starting now."
"But we do need to save the world," said Tails.
"Huh? What's this fox talking about?" Sonic said.
"Maybe we should use him as a pinball," said Knuckles.
"I agree, a daring plan," Sonic said.
"By far the most ingenious- oh wait," said Tails, looking angry.
It would be a long while.
This happened with pretty much everyone. Team Rose was getting to the end when all of a sudden, completely unexpected, was an Eggman fight.
Robot after robot hailed down. Our heroes were trapped. What were they to do?
Find out in the next chapter of…
OK, never mind. Everybody got out of the situation alive and went on. Team Dark ground endlessly on rails in Bullet Station. Team Chaotix continued to misinterpret directions at Rail Canyon. Team Rose evaded giant weather-predicting frogs at Frog Forest. And Team Sonic did something else at Hang Castle.
"This is terrible!" spat Eggman. "My chief advisor off doing something else, Sonic on my trail, my two great creations, the hedgehog and the robot, missing, my detectives idiots, me being framed for stealing pets, and no more ham for the mini-pizzas! Ah well, I guess I'll use Oreo crumbs." By the end of the day, Eggman had a fine pizza. The crust was Oreo cookies, the sauce was Oreo frosting, and the toppings were Oreo crumbs. He spiced it up a little with some whipped cream.
"Ah! Delicious," he approved. A robot ran in.
"Sir, twelve people have broken into your base," the robot began.
"SHUT UP!" Eggman roared. "It's clearly your fault. This security breach will not be tolerated!" A cannon exploded outside.
"Sir, didn't you tell Sonic to-"
"None of your business! Ready my newest invention!" he cried.
Team Chaotix was strolling around, destroying all of Eggman's devices.
"What are you doing, Vector?" hissed the voice as the croc blew up a machine. "I order you to stop this! Keep silent and go on without destroying all these robots!"
"Sure thing, boss," Vector grinned, delivering a massive kick to something or other. This 'something or other' ended up being Charmy. They had a massive fight.
Meanwhile, Team Sonic had just finished up when a giant… THING… appeared on the horizon.
"Sonic! Tails! Knuckles! Prepare to meet your maker!" said Eggman from within what appeared to be a giant couch.
"A couch," Knuckles said blankly.
"SILENCE! This thing has more attachments, fixtures, gears, and sprockets than three seasons of Pimp My Ride!" Eggman shrieked.
"But not four."
Eggman grew so angry that the robot began to shoot smoke. "DIE!" The couch performed a backflip, landing on two of its legs and standing in a martial-arts stance. One of its legs curled into a fist. The other beckoned.
"BRING IT!" Eggman roared.
Knuckles slashed the stuffing with his fists. Sonic knocked it off its legs. Tails bounced like a giddy schoolgirl.
Eggman managed to escape just in time to be beaten up by Chaotix. He would have met an even worse fate at the hands of an angry Shadow if Metal Sonic had not stepped in his way.
"You fools! I will destroy you all!" screamed Metal Sonic. All twelve team members gathered, even though many had never met each other. Metal Sonic began to transform into a large… robot? Wow, real original.
"That thing looks like a Transformer crossed with Ridley from Metroid!" bellowed Charmy.
"Yeah, way for it to stink, Metal," sneered Sonic.
Metal Sonic grew furious. He began to fly around in fury.
"So, Doctor, what do you think we should do?" Sonic asked. "After all, it's not like this creature could be working for you, or that you would try to trick us into being killed by it."
"You would need the power of the Chaos Emeralds to stop it," Eggman said. "Which, of course, is- WHAT?" For in fact, Sonic, Knuckles, Vector, Espio, Shadow, Omega and Rouge were all holding an Emerald each.
"How come we couldn't?" pouted Cream. Behind her, Amy, Big, Charmy and Tails nodded.
"Because you're in the Annoying Voices Guild," Eggman said snobbishly. "Now listen! Sonic must get all the glory by transforming into Super Sonic! You others will be unappreciated. You can just buy him some time."
"That faker has enough glory!" screamed Shadow.
"Well, it is Sonic Heroes, not The Bombastic Adventures of Omochao," explained Eggman.
"What's Sonic Heroes?"
"Oh, never mind," sighed the fat one.
So, Metal Sonic was beaten, which obviously didn't happen because of large, unguarded damage targets on his body.
"No… how could I lose?" he moaned.
"Maybe cause you painted big targets on your damage centers," Sonic replied, dashing off. Tails followed him, because Tails is a groupie like that. Plus, the conflict of Geico being communistic had to be resolved. Wait, Tails doesn't have a car. Anyway…
"Aw, gee," said Knuckles, standing around for no reason. "I sure wish I could have more character depth than guarding the Master Emerald! Maybe a relationship…"
"In your dreams, Knuckles," replied Rouge, stalking by.
"Yeah, I dream about it all the time," Knuckles said, grinning suavely.
"Oh, Knuckles!"
"Oh, Rouge!"
And with that, echidna and bat moved in for the k…
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…ill. (Betcha didn't see that coming). Both drew out weapons and began to spar, eventually fighting their way off-camera.
Suddenly, Chocola and Froggy fell out of the sky.
"What? Why… BIG!" screeched Cream. Amy was already running after Sonic. Big began to roll away, throwing his fishing pole for no reason.
That left five characters. Espio, Vector and Charmy were basically hanging out, because they had nothing to go home to. Then they saw Eggman sneaking away.
"Why, that… he was supposed to pay us! Get him!" screamed Charmy.
"Such language!" commented Espio, raising an eyebrow at Cheese before running after Eggman.
"I demand that you stop! I do not encourage this at all! You will clearly regret this! To all of you, do not beat me up!"
"If you insist," Vector grinned.
Shadow decided to stare into the sunset as if it would help him realize anything or accomplish something. Omega, glaring, picked up Metal Sonic in his arms. He began to squeeze slowly. Omega moved in for the k…
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…iss. (Heh, betcha didn't see that coming either.)
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Please review, everyone.