"Hey Pads"
"God James, just get off my back won't you??"
"Um… I'm getting the feeling something's wrong…"
"…"
"You er… wanna talk about it?"
"No"
"Ok… well see ya!"
"I'M BLOODY GAY, JAMES!!"
"Well… obviously"
"…"
"…"
"You knew?"
"Duh"
"Um… how?"
"You wear twice as much eyeliner as is deemed necessary by the general straight population of guys at this school… you spend TWO HOURS perfecting your hair in the morning… you walk like a flippin' poufter at a poufter convention for poufters in poufter-land in a competition to do the best poufter-walk judged by complete poufters…"
"I GET IT!!"
"… And you spend every single one of your waking moments ogling Moony like you want to grab him and do extremely dirty things to him on the table right in front of everyone"
"Well, he is bloody gorgeous, Prongsie. And have you i seen his arse? I mean… I'd hit that… wait, WHAT? It's seriously that obvious??"
"Yes, Sirius… it is. Now instead of moping and wallowing in your own self pity, why don't you do something about it?"
"What, just march up to him and go 'Hey, Moony, I'm as straight as a beach ball and have been totally in love with you and constantly undressing and molesting you with my eyes since 4th year' ??"
"4th year? You serious? Wow, it took me quite a while to figure it out… I'm usually a bit quicker on the uptake than that… I mean, I worked out that Evans was madly in love with me after just three days of being at Hogwarts! Amazing, aren't I…
"PRONGS!! For one, Evans is so NOT in love with you, you deluded prick, and please let's back to the matter at hand here!"
"Oh, sorry mate"
"Hmph…"
"Anyway, I happen to know that there's a rumour going round that Mr. Remus Lupin is actually quite possibly swinging both ways… so you never know, Padfoot, hopes up yeh?"
"OHMYGOD James, what am I going to do, Moony will never love me! I'm so depressed… get me my knife from my room… I'll never love again… I'm destined to be sad and lonely for the rest of my life and die alone in my smelly flat… my life is over and ruined and I…. OW! Fuck, James, what the hell was that for??"
"Well, you were rambling and digging yourself a deeper hole of depression so slapping you was the only way to make you realise what an idiot you're being! Oh shit… Um, hey Moony!! How-how long have er, you been there… listening… to our conversation?"
"Um, since Sirius said 'constantly undressing and molesting him with my eyes since 4th year"
"Crap. Bye, Padfoot"
"J-James! Wait, what… where are you - OI! Don't ignore me you…"
"Um, still here"
"Oh… um, Moony! See, it's not, well what I mean is… I'm not really, um… what, er, lovely weather we've been having!"
"Shut up, Sirius, and just fucking kiss me already"
"Mmph…."
"God…"
"… why didn't I confess my feelings before?! I could have been getting kisses like this for TWO YEARS rather than being depressed and only kissing you in my dreams! Which, by the way, isn't nearly as good as this… and… OMG YOUR GAY!! AND... AND YOU LIKE ME!! AND… did you just swear?!!
"Yes, yes and yes… I think this situation called for the use of profanity, don't you…?"
"It turns me on when you swear"
"So, what else did we get up to in these dreams of yours? Coz… I can do a hell of a lot of other things as well…"
"Um… well if I have to tell you… I think the written version of this story needs to stop now"
"Slightly rude?"
"Fucking X-rated"
"Mmph…"
THE END