New Year's celebrations have always tended to be more of a big deal on Irk, what with the Irken year being so much longer than the Earth year. Festivities had the tendency to last weeks, and during that time all expansion of the Irken Empire ground to a halt. As such, great pains were taken on Devasatis to ensure that each class at the training academy was wrapped up by the time the new year arrived. The final step to tying up all loose ends before the young soldiers-in-training were set loose into the fray of partying was to assign them bunkmates for the next training term.
The Irken training bunkers were traditionally very sparse rooms, consisting of two cots, two desks, and a shared bathroom. All personal effects were kept in small boxes under the cots. One room, in particular, had just been cleared of its previous inhabitants so as to make room for the next generation of Irken soldiers. Two Elites-in-training, to be exact.
These young hopefuls, having only just returned from the festivities, were about to meet their new roommates for the first time.
Our first young soldier was already in the room, his belongings tucked neatly away under his cot, sitting at his desk with a piece of paper and a pen in front of him. Red eyes squinted in concentration as he tapped his pen on the desk, evidently thinking hard. Finally, he set to scribbling on the paper, working quickly, until he was satisfied with the end result.
This result just happened to be a list of New Year's resolutions, a few goals the red-eyed trainee hoped to accomplish during his last term at the academy. They consisted of the following:
-drink more vitamin shakes
-less hash browns
-get As in all classes
The rest of the paper was filled in with tips on how to reach those goals, little things like "whenever you want to make a trip to Foodcourtia, grab a shake instead" or "set aside 3 nights a week for homework," or "don't go out on weekends unless homework is complete." Needless to say, this soldier was of the meticulous sort.
His list of resolutions completed, the trainee cast his eyes to the clock that sat on his desk.
"Huh. My new roommate should have been here by now."
This new roommate was, in fact, nowhere near his bunker at the moment. The second soldier of our story had partied a little too hard and was currently racing across the training grounds, bulging suitcase and bottle of painkillers in hand, praying to the Powers that Be that none of the trainers caught him like this. But the grounds were mercifully empty, and the disheveled trainee was able to make it to his room without incident.
The latecomer burst through the door and tossed his suitcase on the ground beside his cot, where it promptly exploded open, spewing clothes, magazines, and various illegal drugs that were commonly used during New Year's celebrations. This did little to phase the suitcase's harassed owner, who had already flopped onto his bed and covered his face with his hands.
"That's the last time I ever agree to a Vortian Gangbang. Trust me, no one should ever ingest that much alcohol in one go."
The red-eyed trainee's eyes twitched as he glanced at the mess that his new roommate had dumped everywhere. "Um, I think your suitcase is broken," he muttered, praying that his roommate wasn't a slob.
Said roommate opened one purple eye and peered at the Irken at the desk. "What? Oh, that." He examined the pile next to his bed and laughed. "Looks like I'm all moved in, then! Where's all your stuff?"
"Under my cot, where it belongs," came the reply.
"Oh, a neat freak, huh? This should be fun. I'm Purple, by the way."
"Red."
"Hey, what are you doing?" Purple asked, eyeing the paper on Red's desk curiously.
"New Year's resolutions," Red answered, inspecting his new roommate. Drugs, porn, and general messiness. Great.
"Ooh! Let's see it!" Purple snatched the paper from Red's desk before the latter had time to protest.
Purple's eyes scanned the list for less than five seconds. "Psh, boring," he drawled, tossing the paper back at Red. "But that reminds me, I haven't made my list yet." He dug around in the pile by his bed until he came up with a crumpled piece of paper and a pencil.
"Let's see, resolutions… Ah! Okay, 1. Drink more."
"Drink more what?" Red asked, dreading this term more and more.
"Alcohol, duh. Do you live in a box?" Purple answered. "Okay, 2. Less hash. It's starting to affect my concentration."
"Hash?"
"Drugs. Seriously, dude, if you're gonna question everything I say, it's gonna be a long semester."
"Well maybe if you didn't say everything you wrote out loud, I wouldn't feel the need to question," Red complained, placing his head in his hands.
"Whatever. And finally, pass my classes. No more of this remedial tutoring. Whew, glad that's done," Purple tossed his pencil on his desk and leaned back. "Damn, I'm hungry. Hey, wanna drive me to Foodcourtia?"
"I can't," Red replied, gesturing at his list.
"Aw, come on. I'm in no condition to fly myself over there," Purple pleaded.
"No!" Red insisted. His eyes fell on Purple's list of resolutions. "And besides, you're not even done with your list yet."
"What do you mean? Of course I am!" Purple exclaimed, indignant. That list had taken a lot of work.
"You didn't plan out how you're going to achieve those goals," Red replied as if he was talking to a moron.
"What are you talking about?" Purple groaned. Just what he needed: an anal-retentive roommate.
"Well, for example, the first one… well, you probably won't have any problems with the first one." Red scanned Purple's list. "The second, um, I really don't know how to help you with that one. Maybe you should take it up with a counselor or something. But the third one's easy. I can help you with homework if you need it."
Purple looked up at Red, his face all exasperation.
"What?" Red asked, seeing his roommate's expression.
"You are such a dork."
"I am not!" Red retorted.
"Yeah, you kind of are. Hey! That gives me an idea!" Purple grabbed his pencil and scribbled in a line on his list of resolutions: do less drugs by sharing with dorky roommate.
"That is not going to work," Red deadpanned, seeing this new addition.
"Just watch me," Purple replied, grinning.
Both returned to their respective desks. An awkward silence fell as both of them cast around for something to talk about. The minutes dragged on, and, almost at the same time, each gave up on communication and picked up his respective writing utensil. They each turned to their lists and added another resolution. Red's: make roommate a better citizen. Purple's: get the stick out of roommate's ass.