Author: Zierra (who has resurrected)
Pairing: Zell & Squall (Yes, that means YAOI or, more like shounen ai)
A/N: I can't believe I haven't posted anything for at least four months… It's unforgivable considering I have stories that are finished…. Guess I'm just lazy… No, seriously. I've been really busy since my graduation, spending seven weeks in Gothenburg (that's in Sweden everyone) becoming a bartender! Anyway, I finished a story there that I'm gonna post shortly… If I can find the time (I'm unemployed for another week, so I have nothing but time). I wrote this during an extremely uneventful day that followed a sleepless night, during which I got this idea. REVIEW PLEASE!
Disclaimer: Still not rich enough to own anything.
For those who have wandered in here accidentally, shounen ai means that the characters are gay… Yes, you read it right. You still have the chance to make it out of here unharmed. For the rest of you who knows Shounen ai, I welcome you.
PS: Consider this a warm-up.
HATE TO LOVE YOU
" It's raining, and I'm betting a storm is on its way. I can hear the thunder in the distance. Announcing the coming of the storm, and a change in my life. That's how it feels tonight. Like I'm about to have a life altering moment. Whoever lives will see…
So why am I writing this? Well, I need to get it off my chest, were it's been hanging for quite a while now. There's someone…bothering me. Haunting me, distracting me. Making my life difficult. Why? I love him. Who? My best friend in the world, someone I'd give my life for. Zell. How? It's anyone's guess. When? Forever. Sort of.
It's not the first time he does this, though. After we defeated Ultimecia, and came back to Garden, tarnished and barley alive, he sensed something. He stayed near me, not letting me be alone. It meant doing things late at night so I wouldn't spend the dark hours of the day thinking and starting the fire alarm when I was standing on the balcony, halfway ready to jump. He knew what I was thinking, and wanted to distract me. At the time, I hated him for it because he annoyed me. But later I realised I'd become needy of his attention. Soon after that, it was hard spending a day without his energetic presence. He'd become my friend.
But now… Everything's different I'm no longer needing, I'm wanting.
If I loved to hate Seifer, I hate to love Zell. It's so hard on me, not letting me do the job I fought for since I first came to Garden. It's become an eternal mind battle, whether I should tell him or not. I want to, but then I don't want to. What I want is for this torment to stop. Outcome not cared for.
Unfortunately, his mind is set differently. Somehow he's noticed that something is "wrong" with me, and he has his mind set on fixing it for me. Sure it's nice to have someone to care for you, but it's bothering me. I want to have the cake, and eat it.
The thunder is getting closer, and off course it makes me think of him. Zell is afraid of thunder, has been since he was younger. I think I'm the only one who knows that. And because of that, I'm sitting here wondering if he is okay, thinking I maybe should go over there. But I know I won't. When I'm standing outside his door, my mind will give me a thousand reasons not to do it, and my heart only one. You know who wins.
Going back to one of my previous questions; How? How could I fall for him, when all I've tried to do in the past is to keep people out of my heart so that I won't feel the pain of losing them again? And; Why? Why him? Why not someone more…appropriate? Is it all some part of destiny's plan for me, to have bittersweet love? Is Zell a blessing or a curse?
But until I find the answers to all of this, all I can do is to deal. Because whatever I tell myself that I'll do tomorrow, tomorrow I won't have the guts to do it. And everything will be as before."
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The pen dropped from Squalls hand, letting it roll over the desk, while he read what he'd written. Somehow the piece of paper in front of him represented his heart. The words written were foreign but still frighteningly accurate.
Outside the lighting filled his room with light, and just a second later, the thunder made the glass in the window shudder. The rain was falling rapidly, hitting his window hard, sounding the melancholy beat of his feelings. A tree in the yard looked like it was being sucked to the ground by the ferocity of the wind, howling through the window. It was his music.
Subconsciously he had expected it, because he wasn't surprised by the quick knocks on the door.
" Come in Zell", he answered.
The door practically swung opened, and Zell eyes darted around the room. His hair was wet, so he must have gotten out of the shower just moments before. Another hint was the clothes he wore; his workout pants and a gigantic green hooded sweatshirt, all pulled on in a hurry. And he was barefoot.
There were no words needed to explain why he was there. Squall knew, and Zell knew that he knew.
Smiling lightly, Squall arose from his seat, walking over to Zell and closing the door behind him.
" You want some ice-cream?"
He didn't wait for the confirming nod before he went into the kitchen, Zell always wanted ice cream especially Chocolate Chip, and that was the only kind Squall had in his fridge since he never ate ice-cream himself.
" Am I bothering you?" he heard Zell call from the living room and Squall froze, spoon deeply dug into the ice cream. His "heart" was lying in there, fully visible. Had Zell read it? No, Zell may be curious, be he respected Squalls privacy.
The long silence must have meant yes to him, because he started to make excuses to leave.
" No, Zell, you never bother me."
He finished up, taking a deep breath before continuing into the living room. In his big black leather couch, Zell sat curled up in the right corner, knees to his chin. Handing him the bowl Squall sat down next to him.
" It's awfully close," he said in almost a whisper shoving some ice cream into his mouth. " Mmm, this is good."
Nothing was spoken as Zell ate the ice cream, jumping every time the thunder crashed.
" Squall", he said suddenly, his baby blue eyes pleading. " Can you do me a favour?
" Sure, what?"
" Make the thunder go away?"
" I would if I could." The disappointment, however small, in his eyes made Squall ready to go to battle with the weather.
" Then, can I just…"
" What?"
Letting out a long breath, Zell twined the strings on his sweater around his index finger.
" Can I lean on you? Mom always let me do that when there was a storm…"
" 'Course…" His voice was cracked and he held his breath as Zell edged closer, leaning his head against Squall shoulder. A few still wet strands of Zell's hair tickled his chin. Unsure what to do, he eventually settled with putting an arm around Zell.
They sat like that for hours and Squall didn't care that his arm went numb. Even when the storm had faded out and the rain wasn't as heavy any more, did any of them move. Zell was almost sleeping, and Squall was hypnotised by his scent, an exotic mixture of apples, musk and vanilla.
" Squall?" The voice startled Squall, making him twist under Zell's weight, who sat up straight letting a hand through his hair.
" Yes?"
" Thank you."
" Anytime."
More silence and this time a little more pressing than before. Obviously Zell had something on his mind considering how he was biting his lip, still half turned towards Squall. Not wanting to ruin this, Squall sat absolutely still, trying not to seem restless. Whatever Zell wanted to say was important, otherwise he wouldn't stall like this.
" I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, Squall. You're my best friend, and I think you have the right to know. 'Sides, it makes it easier for me if I don't have to keep it a secret anymore."
This was sounding dangerously close to what Squall had been writing earlier and his heart picked up the pace.
" I'm…gay, Squall."
He pulled the hood of his sweater up to hide his face. Squall sat dumbfounded for a while, registering the meaning of the words.
" It's okay, Zell." It was more than okay.
" That's not everything." This time a deep sigh followed. " I'm in love with someone too."
Being a mercenary was a 9 to 5 beat-up job. He'd taken hundreds of blows, but none of them had given him such a complete sense of chock as Zell words did at this moment. Squalls entire future was hanging onto a thread and Zell as about to determine whether it would break or not.
" With who?" There was no strength left in his voice this time and his hands were shaking.
The answer was spoken with the same tone of voice; " You."
All the air was knocked out of Squalls lungs and not a word came out. Relief - pure and immaculate relief - flooded through Squalls body like an orgasm.
" Please don't hate me." Zell voice was so weak and filled with despair that Squall didn't know what else to do than pull the blonde into his arms, hugging him tightly. Rocking him, Squall could feel Zell's sobs echo in his own body.
" I could never hate you, Zell. Never."
Snivelling, Zell pulled away, head bent down.
" Maybe I should go."
As he was about to stand up, Squall grabbed a hold of his arm, pulling him back down.
" Wait." Getting a grip of the hood, he pulled it off and Zell instantly turned his head away. But Squall had seen the tear streaked cheeks and the firm bite of his lower lip. With a still trembling hand Squall reached out and touched Zell's face, turning it so he could look him in the eyes. But Zell kept them locked to the ground.
" Zell", he whispered. " Look at me."
Slowly Zell raised his head, shyly meeting his gaze. At that moment Squall knew that nothing in the world would make him stop loving the boy before him, so there was no reason for him not to pursue this. Leaning forward and moistening his lips, his intention ought to be clear. But Zell still seemed unsure of his reaction.
Gently their lips met briefly, only to ensure more to come.
" Zell, I have something I want you to read."
The End
Hope you liked it, but I understand if you don't. Wrote it for under an hour, so it's not that well thought through. Only re-written once….
And last; you'll be seeing more of me from now on… it almost a guarantee… (We all know creativity can't be forced.)
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UPDATE : FEB 7th 2006
Yep, fixed the typo… FINALLY! Trust me, it's been bugging me as much as it's bugged you. And now it's spell-checked too! I really need to work on my grammar… (sighs)