Disclaimer: Everything 'Pirates' belongs to Disney, but I have Johnny Depp locked in my basement!
Author's note: Just a random bit of silliness inspired by my 5th viewing of 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. A delightful fable detailing the origins of Jack, Barbossa's faithful monkey sidekick. It's very short. It's supposed to be. Leave well enough alone.
MONKEY!
Being a most excellent tale of Jack, simian before the mast aboard the pirate ship Black Pearl and sole confidant of its evil Captain.
As told to
Space Cowgirl
*** *** ***
Once upon a time, there lived a little monkey. He and his mum, brothers, and sisters lived in a tree. Their dad was long gone, having run away to join the circus.
The little monkey enjoyed life in the tree, until one day his mum kicked him out for being too darn evil.
The little monkey was evil, and rather enjoyed being that way. He wandered the jungle for a bit, doing an evil deed here and there. He stole food out of bird's nests and teased the jaguars and panthers until they were quite beside themselves for not being able to catch him.
This was a clever little monkey indeed. Soon he had grown so infamous that he was forced to leave the jungle rather hastily, ahead of a very upset sloth. Since sloths don't move too fast, even on their best days, the little monkey was able to escape on a fishing boat and sailed off to a new life in a far-away place.
Fortunes came and went. The little monkey served as an attraction in a street carnival and as a cute and endearing companion to several buccaneers, privateers and other disreputable folk. He tried several times to be taken on as an Amusing Ethnic Pet at the Governor of Jamaica's mansion, but was turned down for not having enough references.
Somewhat dispirited, the little monkey was wandering the streets of Port Royal, looking to forget his rude treatment at the hands of the obviously lemur-biased Governor Swann, when he stumbled across two men and a shiny compass.
The little monkey, being a monkey and also something of a kleptomaniac, tried to steal the shiny compass, but the shorter of the two men, who smelled like rum, batted him away. The taller of the two, who looked so evil that hell itself would spit him back out, picked him up and examined him.
The little monkey tried to look cute. He must have done a good job, because the man so evil hell itself spat him back out decided to adopt him. In short order he had a snappy vest to wear and a perch on the evil-looking man's shoulder. The shorter stinky man never did warm up to him.
The little monkey was saved from having to plot the stinky man's demise (remember, he was an evil monkey!) when his sinister-looking companion dumped him off their pirate ship at a god-forsaken spit of land and left him to die, while the little monkey and his friends sailed off to find pirate treasure.
"By the powers," said the monkey's evil friend Barbossa. "T'look at Jack jump up and down, wavin' his arms and screamin'…why, he's the spittin' image of my monkey here." The pirate crew laughed raucously, the only way a pirate crew ever laughs. Barbossa petted the little monkey's head. "I'll call ye Jack in his memory."
Fortunes came and went again. Jack the monkey helped his master take the cursed treasure of Isla de Muerta, and then later put it all back again. To Jack, it seemed like a terrible waste, but then again, he was only a monkey and didn't really understand such concepts as eternal damnation. During those times when Barbossa looked rather peculiar in the moonlight, he would often stroke Jack's fur and mutter that the monkey was the only one who bloody understood him.
Jack particularly liked the retrieval of the last piece of Aztec gold. It let him jump around inside sinking ships, frighten the governor's prissy stuck-up daughter (that'll teach the prat to hire the lemur instead!), steal the gold from a particularly incompetent blacksmith and have the last laugh on the stinky man, who was somehow still alive.
But alas, all tales must come to an end, and this one has reached it. At least it had, until Jack the monkey, obeying his natural larcenous instincts, removed the last piece of Aztec gold from Cortez's stone chest. That way, Barbossa would be assured a role in the sequel. It was the least Jack could do for his master.
After all, it really was a shame to let the stinky man get all the critical acclaim…