A/N: Am I sick in the head, you may want to know. YES. YES I AM. -cackles- I strange girl who thinks abnormally, and it's only fanfiction too. Leik zomg. o.o
ANYWAYS. I must have been high when I was writing this. Beautifully written to be a parody. -nods- Hints of HikaKao if you squint...
Happy Turkey DaY!
Disclaimer; I don't own Ouran Highschool Host Club. Nuff said.
Beta'd by Capiorcorpus.
The Fraud Letter
Dear Everyone,
I'd like to take the time to proudly say…Kaoru and I are dating, and we are planning to have an engagement. Yes, dating and an engagement. We have found out that we were terribly in love with each other, and before Thanksgiving too! So to Okaasan and Otousan who are reading this, we won't be home to eat your stinking turkey dinner. It tasted like sawdust and cardboard last year.
And to all fellow Host Members who are reading this. Sorry, but we won't be back anymore. We're running away to far away lands to avoid shame and shun, even though Kyouya-sempai might be pissed at us because we could have raked in a lot of money. I leave you guys with this word of advice: grow up and stop being homosexual because…you'll just end up like Kaoru and I. But then again—if you really, really love him…no one's stopping you. Oh, and Haruhi, be careful out there. There are some strange and creepy girls…
Anyways, you guys were such great friends! Be sure to check the club's mailbox, we might send you some souvenirs from the place we're staying. And Kyouya-sempai: Don't even try to convince us to send you any smutty pics so you can sell it on the web.
And finally a note to all you yaoi fangirls out there: Get a life. Because you'll never see us do naughty stuff for all to see. NEVER. You see the five letters in caps? Besides, I will never let my poor Kaoru be taken a picture of. Only I can see him. Anyways. I must take my leave of this paper, and I will send it to all and everyone. By the way, feel free to post this on the school bulletin.
I'M GAY AND PROUD! ;D
--Hikaru
They were miffed beyond their brains. The paper pinched between Yuzuha's fingers was starting to rip. Her turkey tasted like…like…sawdust?! She thought that maybe if she tried to cook the turkey dinner by commoner methods, than her sons wouldn't complain about a sickening, gourmet dinner.
They preferred Italian food over western holidays.
But she was even more enraged was that her sons left without her knowing! The paper ripped and the twins' father came to console his spouse. He patted her on the back and said with a deep sigh: "Hey, they made a big fuss about the mash potatoes. Said it was like sticky…very sticky and powdery."
"They're going to marry!" she screeched. "They aren't going to give us any kids! WE'LL BE GRANDCHILDREN-LESS!"
"There, there, Yuzuha," he said, hugging her. "There's always this thing called adoption."
"And they eloped!"
"Yes, yes, they're gone. A relief in the house, but a great burden to us all. We will sorely miss them, they are our children."
"Omigod," Haruhi said, gaping at the paper in front of her. She had received the letter and was staring. She was thinking in her head: "#2&!!#"
Her mind was mentally scarred. She weakly folded it and placed it into her backpack. This was outrageous news: OUTRAGEOUS! Haruhi began to ponder on the letter, wondering if she was ever going to see her friends again.
…Probably not. Far, far away lands confirm that she will never see them again. Haruhi only shrugged as she sat down onto the Host Club tables.
'…Look on the bright side,' she told herself. 'They aren't bothering me anymore.'
"MOMMY! OUR SONS ARE MARRYING EACH OTHER!!" Tamaki screamed. The other covered his ears; the blonde had been screaming the same line over and over for the past thirty minutes. He wondered if his throat was beginning to become raw. "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! LEAVING US LIKE THAT! I'M APPALLED."
"Yes, I agree. I am quite angry," Kyouya admitted, pushing up his glasses. "If we had them demonstrate their true love, we would have triple the amount of customers…"
And his brain registered with a cash register's 'Ka-ching.'
"Takashi, Takashi!" the small blonde senior squealed, waving the letter around in his hand. "What is the meaning of this?! Did Hika-chan and Kao-chan develop a sexual and incest relationship with each other and they ran far, far away to hide from shame?!"
Mori stayed quiet. He opened his mouth and said, "Go back to your cake, Mitsukuni."
But he would not go back to his cake, nor would he ask the cake about sexual relationships. Honey continued to bombard questions of what homosexual means and whatnot, and Mori was glad that he had a stoic face, otherwise he would be showing all the twitching faces of disgust.
Yaoi fan girls were absolutely delighted by what they read on the school bulletin. Hearts pumping with unknown energy, they began mass-production of doujinshis that concerned the twins. Renge, being the doujinshi manager and all, advertised everything. Papers and whatnots fluttered to the ground of the Ouran buildings. She used the electronic announcers and screamed out to the whole world:
THE HITACHIINS FINALLY DID IT! THEY FINALLY HAD SEX AND ELOPED!!
She got kicked out after that by the principal for using /such/ words, and allowing the announcements to run into the grade school no less.
Teachers, students of all kinds, even the small kids found out that the Hitachiin twins had eloped and ran away 'making love' to each other endlessly each night, and in the small kids' terms: Did something really, really, really naughty.
Everything was chaotic. Guys were surprised that the twins were gay and girls were excited about everything. They cheered on for the twins far away, wishing them the best of luck. The day never settled down, and Renge kept throwing the pages of yaoi doujinshi everywhere, except the grade school section.
Renge DID hand out to the smaller kids comic panels were the twins were kissing each other. The small kids only pointed at it and: HE'S KISSING A MIRROR!
She walked away saying something about stupid brats not appreciating the art of shonen-ai.
And so…with the chaos of the news…imagine the surprise when they walk into the campus.
"What…the hell…is going on?" a twin asked, staring at the paper-littered ground. The two twins walked side by side looking at the mess. They saw papers strewn everywhere, but everything was so…eerily quiet. They thought that the school had been hit with a paper tornado, when they saw no signs of life.
They walked into the building and more papers! They walk through foaming fangirls and fought their way to the Host Club…where things got a bit more hectic. They heard lots of noise inside, and when they pushed the door open.
Everything became quiet.
Everyone stared at them.
Finally Hikaru opened his mouth and asked rudely, "What the hell is all this?"
"WAAA!! HIKA-CHAN, KAO-CHAN, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" Honey exclaimed, latching onto Hikaru's arm. "I CONGRATULATE YOU FOR BECOMING HUSBAND AND BRIDE!!"
Honey's eyes glinted happily at Hikaru and he asked innocently: "So! Who's the uke in your homosexual relationship?"
"WHAT?!"
The twins cast a distraught glance at Mori who was wasting away in the corner where the idiot Lord was supposed to be. He was mentally disturbed of the whole ordeal, and refused to stand up and pat the twins on the head, congratulating them for introducing a disturbing concept to his blissfully unaware cousin.
Tamaki flew up to them and took them to two seats. He sat them down, and danced around them in a graceful motion. "I never thought my sons would be back. I thought you two ran away, never to return again for fear of shame and shuns. Fear not, I, as your Otousan…will never shun my own sons. I love you two so much that I will never ever, EVER bash my beloveds."
"What the heck are you talking about?" Kaoru asked, raising an eyebrow at him. Kyouya swooped in besides them, his notebook in hand. Glasses glaring, he said in a very smooth and sly voice.
"I hope you took some pictures of yourselves, or I would have to force you two to do it," he said, holding out a camera. "Customers have skyrocketed since this morning; we set up this special campaign which has our customers donating money to support the twincest cause."
"What?" the twins asked again. Mori decided that the floor belonging to the corner of woe was getting a bit warm, so he decided to walk up to them. His face was stoical, and he gave a pat on each of their heads.
He said: "I never knew you two would grow up so fast."
Haruhi brought her attention to them and looked unhappily at them. "Congratulations," she deadpanned. Haruhi received the news as a shock and lost almost all respect for them. She had a hand rest on her hip and she looked at him. "And I thought you weren't coming back."
"What?"
She allowed the letter to fly into their hands. They took several seconds to process it in their brains.
"WHAT?!"
BAM
"HIKARU, KAORU!" Yuzuha screamed, running into the Host Club room. The twins jerked at the sight of their mother stampeding into the room. She wasn't even supposed to be here! She had tons of designs to do, and why the heck is she at school?! "I HEARD NEWS THAT YOU CAME BACK!"
They blinked at her in confusion.
"Okaasan?"
"HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE AFTER INSULTING MY TURKEY DINNER?!"
"—Don't forget the mash potatoes!" a faint voice reminded her.
"AND THE MASH POTATOES!"
"WAIT!" they screamed. All the noise ceased. "This is a fraud! Hikaru/I didn't type it!"
Silence. Fangirls stopped buzzing, the Host Club looked at them in interest, Yuzuha calmed down, and the faint voice in the back had stopped grunting about mash potatoes that tasted like powders and things that a mash potatoe wasn't supposed to taste like.
"Why would I terribly fall in love with Kaoru anyways?" Hikaru asked, ripping the paper into shreds. Kaoru nodded in agreement, as Hikaru allowed the letter to flutter onto the ground. "Someone wrote this, and besides…didn't you get our note that we had some important business to take care of?"
"And what was that?" someone asked fishily. The twins opened their mouth and pointed to their teeth.
"Dentist appointment," they said. Hikaru and Kaoru threw a look at their mother. "You scheduled it today! Shouldn't you remember?"
"Oh," she said, laughing at her mistake. The two Hitachiin twins shooed everyone out of the club while saying: This is all a big misunderstanding.
The Host members looked at each other and shrugged; it was a simple mistake, a harmless mistake. Kyouya was starting to mull over the loss of customers, though...
Kaoru took a peek at Hikaru and mentally asked, '…you didn't do it did you?'
'…As much as I love you, I'm not stupid to go sending out freakin' messages to the world,' Hikaru replied with a roll of his eyes.
--The real person behind the scene…
The cloaked figure was giggling at the computer. A light blush was settled on his pale white face as he read the dirty, dirty lemon. The candles next to him wavered, and another cloaked figure walked by. As if on reflex, the one at the computer withdrew the window, revealing only the laptop.
"Niichan, what are you doing?" she asks. He smiles and smiles, like he wasn't reading something awfully dirty.
"Nothing, Kirimi, go on with what you were doing," he cooed. She nodded and shuffled away, he opened it when she was gone. 'There aren't anymore good twincest smut out there,' he thought regrettably.
"Ah well. The letter was fun."
"Right, Beelezenef?"
The beige puppet rubbed its hands in reply.
A/N: -jabs finger at you- BECAUSE OF YOU, NEKOZAWA HAD DISCOVERED THE TABOO TWINCEST FICS AROUND HERE! All your fault! --cough-- Well..mine's too, but anyways. Reveiw. :F
--Until later
--Demi-kun.