By Neech
You'd think I'd be completely thrilled at the short, two-week holiday.
I mean, there were many ways I could have spent my Christmas Break. Ways which included going to Cee Cee's house frequently and watching cheesy movies. I would have been satisfied with that.
Unfortunately, spending hours decorating the house and Christmas tree wasn't it. Oh no. I had to spend my precious two-week break hauling old Christmas decorations from the garage, and throwing away the old and broken ornaments, which my mother had left to collect dust.
"No, Susie! I've had these since you were born!" Mom had cried.
Um... Duh. That's why they need to be thrown away.
So I did. Practically everything went into the dustbin. Goodbye, broken wreaths. Bye, tangled tinsel. Adiós, smashed glass elf figurines. I cleared up three quarters of the Christmas décor before I actually came across the actual (albeit dirty) ornaments.
And then? I was forced to endure three hours of torture, at the Mall of all places, searching for the perfect Pine or Fir tree that didn't look like half its leaves had fallen off. That's the thing about Californians. They prefer the real thing. The real tree which needs to be chopped off and killed. Do they listen to me when I tell them that they're harming the environment? No, they don't. (Why they refuse to use the Pine trees outside is beyond me.)
Oh, but it didn't stop there. Oh no, it didn't. Since nobody cared enough to do it ("Just leave it there, Suze." Andy mumbled, engrossed in reading the lastest book by Jamie Oliver.), I was left with the job of cleaning the mess of Pine needles that the blasted tree left. Hourly, in fact.
"Oh, don't bother, Susie. We'll clear it up when we keep the tree," Mom had said.
Um... Right. When did we keep the tree last year? Easter. We left it there to fester for five months. And guess what type of eggs I found in it when I put it away?
Anyway, finding usable decorations was hard enough. Adorning it was even harder, considering I was interrupted every two minutes about the placement of the decorations.
"Susie, the reindeer piece is too close to the snowflake crystal. Yes, yes, move it higher. No, not that high. More to the left now."
Not to mention, too many people died during Christmas break. So far, I've had to deal with an alcoholic fifteen-year old, a seventy-year old French grandmother and a little girl who drowned in her bathtub.
Yes, I'm not kidding. Bathtub. It reached up, maybe, to her knees.
Sheesh. What people do during the holidays.
And, last but not least, the decorations that needed to be hung around the house. Which, of course, included the wreaths, glass vases and mistletoe. Only mistletoe was in no danger. The rest of the décor barely avoided destruction by clumsy males everyday.
However, there were some perks in having the stupid holiday. Which came in the form of a visiting Latino ghost. Mm. Jesse pops in to check on me fairly often, considering, the last time he didn't, I broke my collarbone while being chased by a rampant serial killer wielding an axe. (Dead and executed a week before, but that didn't stop him from deciding i was quite appropriate as prey.)
I was still placing the last few decorations (these beautiful crystal stars that Mom had refused to use for years) on the living room table when Dopey tromped in, wet and leaving a trail of sand and dirt behind him. I barely managed to save a fragile glass rose which was nearly crushed under the weight of a falling surfboard.
Yes. You'd think he's crazy to surf in winter. However, he does. So does Sleepy, actually. And the idiot brought a souvenir of dirt and sand with him. On the immaculate floor no less. (I would know. I did it. Cleaned it, I mean.) Of all places, he had to mess up the living room floor.
"Excuse me?" I said, halting his journey to the great kitchen, the source of nourishment to many.
"Wha... Suze. Move. Pounded. I wanna ... Food. Hungry." Dopey mumbled, obviously too tired (or maybe too stupid) to answer in full sentences.
"Yes, well... It's your mess. I'm not cleaning it." I blocked the pathway, glaring as he tried to push past me.
"Jeez! Suze! Just let him go! He'll clean it up lat-" I heard Sleepy come down the stairs, obviously irritated about the interruption of his beloved sleep.
That is, irritated until he stopped to stare.
"What?" I growled. I was busy. Busy. And I wanted the stupid prick to clear up his mess and be done with it.
"Oh my shit..." Obviously Dopey wasn't as dense as I thought he was. He started inching away as if I had the plague.
"Too late, kid. You have to do it." Sleepy, impossibly, was actually grinning.
"What?!" I was pissed. What was so hilarious that SLEEPY, of all people, was laughing?! And why didn't I get it?
"Look up." I did. And all the colour drained from my face.
Mistletoe.
"N-no. N-n-n-no. No WAY." I backed away from both of them. Why, oh why, did I decide to hang mistletoe everywhere?
"Shit." Dopey closed his eyes.
And pressed his disgusting lips against mine. Which he promptly stuck his slimy tongue in between.
Mother Mary was merciful.
I wrenched my lips away and managed to get a good right hook in before I passed out.
I was going to scrub my tongue and lips with soap and sterilizer before I ever used them again.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Reposted for the new year!