Bexie1217:
In an exclusive interview we have been able to get the entire Hogwarts gang (both dead and alive!) to come and talk to us about a highly sensitive topic, the details of which have not been explained to them until this very moment.
Hi everyone!
Everyone: Hi!
Bexie1217:
As I was saying, none of you have any idea what I'm about to ask and yet you all agreed to answer my question, how does that make you feel?
Harry:
Kind of nervous, I guess.
Ron:
Yeah, I reckon we ought to have thought about it a bit more first.
Hermione:
I'm always telling you not to make any rash decisions.
Snape:
Then, why, Miss Granger, did you decide to do likewise?
Hermione:
Well, um, I…
Snape:
Well said, indeed!
Prof. McGonagall:
I suppose the decision might have been slightly haphazard on my part, but you did ask me in the middle of a Quidditch match, Gryffindor versus Slytherin, you know.
Draco:
Well, I'll tell you how I feel; bored.
Crabbe:
Yeah.
Goyle:
Grunt.
Sirius:
I have no qualms what-so-ever about it.
Prof. Lupin:
Well, of course, you wouldn't!
Sirius:
Well- I am a rough and tumble kinda guy.
Prof. Dumbledore:
Now, Bexie1217, instead of making us shake in our proverbial boots, would you mind getting on with the interview, I never was one for long speeches.
Bexie1217:
Right you are, Professor Dumbledore sir, so here goes. The question that I am going to ask you, the one that you have all agreed to answer is….
Ron:
Slightly above-board, isn't she?
Ginny:
A-hem!
Bexie1217:
Thank you, Ginny.
Lockheart:
Well, quite frankly, I thought you might be doing a follow-up piece on me. I'm quite famous don't you…
(Loses train of thought when he catches sight of himself in the face of Harry's wristwatch.)
Fred:
Can we get on with this?
George:
We already know that you're going to ask us for our Increasing Itching Powder recipe.
Fred:
Witch Weekly already asked, and we said no!
Bexie1217:
Boys! The question is…who was your first?
Snape:
First what, Miss. Bexie1217? First detention?
Bexie1217:
Please, Professor, feel free to call me Bexie1217.
Draco:
First kill?
Hermione:
Ugh! Honestly!
Proffessor McGonigall:
Well, the question does seem to be a bit vague…
Bexie1217: (getting exasperated)
You're first! Come on…as in your first shag!
Ginny: (sputtering)
My first what!
Peeves:
Blows a raspberry
Goyle:
Huh?
Bexie1217:
Don't tell me they don't have sex at Hogwarts? Do you know how many fanfics people write about your sex lives!
Draco:
When you say 'your' you really mean mine, though, right?
Bexie1217:
Not only you, Draco!
Draco:
Hmpf!
Fred:
Ha!
Bexie1217:
Do you know how many people would be devastated, DEVASTATED, to learn that you guys never did it?
Sirius:
Alright, no need to get your knickers in a twist. The magical world isn't as…PG…shall we say, as J.K. portrays it, I for one…
Professor Lupin:
Sirius, there are youngsters present, I really don't think it's a good idea to-ah- reminisce about your-er- youthful exploits!
Ginny:
Well, Bexie1217, I don't really see how this pertains to…
Draco: (winking)
Oh, come on, Gin, everyone knows you're not as innocent as you look…
Harry:
Did you just call her Gin?
Ron:
Why would he do that?
Ginny: (blushing)
Er-no reason.
Ron, Fred, and George:
GINNY!
Hermione:
I honestly don't know what you all expected, I …
Snape:
You, Miss Granger, have never pried your face out of a book long enough to—
Professor McGonigall:
Severus! Really!
Ron:
GIN!
Harry:
Snape…
Professor Dumbledore:
Professor Snape, Harry.
Harry:
Yes, fine. Professor Snape, I'll have you know that Hermione…
Bexie1217:
That Hermione what? For the love of God! Please tell me. Landing this story is going to be the defining moment of my career. I have to know!
Ron:
Harry, what would you know about Hermione's affairs?
Harry:
Errmm…hermurpf (mumbling…)
George: (coyly)
Are you sure that we really have that much to tell, Bex, you don't mind if I call you that do you?
Bexie1217: (blushing)
No..er.. not at all, ahh….George
Draco: (yawning)
I for one don't see the problem with this question. As long as everyone has a few hours to spare…my list, you see, is quite considerable!
Crabbe + Goyle: (snickering)
Huh-huh…huh.
Hermione:
The list may be considerable, but other things of yours aren't, Malfoy!
Harry:
Hermione, what is that supposed to mean?
Ron:
Have you…
Draco:
Exactly what are you complaining about, mudblood. You weren't exactly complaining when I—
Bexie1217: (having regained her voice)
Right! You guys are going too fast! I want a straight answer out of each of you in turn.
Draco:
Before we answer any questions…exactly what is your lineage?
Professor Lupin:
We could pick numbers out a hat.
Sirius:
I would be more than willing to go first!
Lockheart:
Oh… and look I have a hat! See! (Points at hat)
Bexie1217:
Well, I have already made a list…
Professor McGonigall:
Fire away then, Miss Bexie1217.
Bexie1217:
Thank you, professor, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, you're first.
Ron:
Nearly-headless Nick? Surely not!
Fred:
I mean the guy was beheaded for goodness sake!
Sir Nicholas: (indignant)
Why do you think I was beheaded Mr. Weasley? I was found dallying with the Duke's daughter!
Bexie1217:
You see! That wasn't so hard, alright, next is….
Sir Nicholas: (nostalgic)
She was a beautiful maiden. Slightly Spanish by the look of it, skin the color of maple, the smell of the orient pulsing from her veins, her hair, the most gorgeous color bro-
Peeves:
Peevsie doesn't care about her hair! I want to hear about the goods!
Hermione:
See Ron, you're almost just as bad as Peeves.
Ginny:
Really!
Draco:
Well, now we're getting somewhere!
Sir Nicholas: (blushing)
Well, in that respect, she had HUGE—
Bexie1217:
Actually, Sir Nicholas, our readers are more interested in the more…
Remus:
Youthful?
Sirius: (tossing his hair back over his shoulder)
Savagely sexy?
George:
Mischievous?
Ron:
Hot?
Draco:
Me!
Bexie1217:
Er- the more, well known characters. But, er-thank you so much for stopping by!
Fred:
Oooh! Dissed!
Draco:
Harsh! Hey Bexie1217, you're not so bad after all…
Bexie1217:
He... he…well. t-thank you Draco, that really is quite nice of-
George:
Ask me! Oh, Please. Ask me!
Bexie1217:
No, George! Crabbe is next.
Crabbe:
Uh…
George:
Ask!
Crabbe: (Grunting)
M-mmmmmmmm-eeeeeee?
George:
Me!
Draco:
I think we should skip Crabbe and Goyle, aside from the fact that what they do to whoever lets them in the closet is really quite unappetizing; it would take hours to get a declarative sentence out of them!
Crabbe: (scratches head)
Huh..huh…
Goyle:
Grunt
George:
Me! Me!
Bexie1217:
Well, fine, okay George, you!
George: (straightening out robes)
Why, Bex, I thought you'd never ask.
Ron:
Oh, for the love of god!
Lockheart:
Ooohhh…God? I signed an autograph for him once, I did!
Ginny:
I'm sure you did professor.
George: (nostalgically)
My first was Katie Bell.
Bexie1217:
Okay, simple, next! Professor Snape!
Hermione:
Ewwww….
Sirius: (disappointed)
Awwwww…
Professor Snape:
You couldn't get me to answer your ridiculous question if you had twenty gallons of Veritaserum.
Sirius:
No need to. I can tell you who it was.
Snape:
Black, I'm warning you!
Remus:
Hehe
Sirius:
James and I caught Snivellus up to something nasty in the library one day.
Harry:
Surely you don't mean….
Sirius:
Oh yes I do, albeit, Madame Pince wasn't so vulture-y in those days.
Harry + Ron + Remus:
Ha ha ha ha ha! Madame Pince!
Hermione: (shocked)
In the library! That place is…is… (words fail her)
Draco:
It's like her mother ship.
Ron:
Shut Up Malfoy! Hermione can't help that she's a tad…literary.
Ginny:
But Professor Snape, Madame Pince is ancient!
Draco: (laughing)
It might not have been so bad. Her nez pierce and humpback are pretty hot!
Snape:
Malfoy!
Malfoy:
Er-sorry Professor.
Hermione:
Malfoy, you would get turned on by a- a
Ginny:
Mible Mimbletonia!
Ron:
Ha!
Draco:
Very clever, Gin. First Prize for Sassiness goes to you, both in and out of bed.
Ginny:
Don't you dare!
Bexie1217:
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Ron:
Waaaa! Professor Dumbledore! Draco ruined my sister!
Snape:
That temper has ruined her!
Ginny:
I'm not ruined! That's just wishful thinking on his part.
Draco:
Whatever! Talk to my amazingly manicured pureblood hand!
Crabbe + Goyle: (snickering)
Huh..huh..huh
Bexie1217:
Yes, er, Professor Dumbledore would you mind answering my question.
Hermione:
Wait! Er- sorry professor, but do you mind if I don't listen?
Professor Dumbledore:
Ewwww…I'm like a gazillion years old!
Professor McGonagall:
Miss Bexie1217, you must realize that people over forty don't have sex, will never have sex, and have never had sex.
Professor Dumbledore:
Yes, it would just be too gross for your young minds to imagine. Old people sex-Ick!
Professor McGonagall:
Although, as a young girl I was first intimate with a man—
Bexie1217 + Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Sirius, Remus:
NEXT!
Sirius:
I'll go! She was gorgeous. Best looking girl of the year!
Remus: (thoughtfully)
Aside from Lily of course…
Harry:
Ha!
Bexie1217: (writing on her clipboard)
So, Sirius, I can put you down as having had a gorgeous Mary-Sue, then.
Peeves:
Okay, now we got the old farts out of the way!
Ginny:
Er- what about Professor Lockheart?
Lockheart:
Hmm….
Bexie1217:
Yes, Professor, who was your first shag?
Lockheart:
Ooohh…I know this…it was...it was…I can't remember.
Bexie1217:
Okay, now, no one else is willing to share?
-- Silence--
Bexie1217:
Fine! We are going to do this really quickly. Ready? One word answers. No explanations necessary.
Fred!
Fred:
Alicia!
Bexie1217:
Draco!
Draco:
Pansy Parkinson!
Bexie1217:
Harry! Harry…
Lee Jordan:
Hey! How about me? Why wasn't I asked?
Bexie1217:
Oh, sorry Lee, but I wasn't going to include you in the interview.
Lee:
You have to! Pleeeeeeeeaase!
Bexie1217:
Er...well…
Lee:
Oh, c'mon, I'm like Fred and George's best friend. Remember that tarantula I had in the first book? That was cool!
Ron:
Yeah, I guess it was.
Harry:
And he always used to announce the scores in Quidditch.
Bexie1217: (hesitating)
Well. That is true.
Lee:
And…my hair…it's so cool! I have dreadlocks!
Professor McGonagall:
Well-he does have a point. Doesn't he?
Bexie1217: (exasperated)
Fine! Lee, who was your first shag?
Lee:
My first was Angelina Johnson. Remember that time in the Quidditch match where I said she wouldn't go out with me? Well, she did, after that and then…and then… (Lee gets a distant look in his eye)
Bexie1217:
Aww…That's really cute. Okaaaaaaaay…where was I? Oh, yes…
Harry!
Harry:
Ginny!
Bexie1217:
Ginny!
Ginny:
Harry!
Draco:
Ha! I knew it!
Bexie1217:
Ron!
Ron:
Hermione!
Hermione:
Ron! I can't believe you told everyone!
Professor McGonagall:
Oh, get over it Miss Granger. Most of us already knew!
Draco:
Weasley, I always knew you were a muggle-lover, I just didn't realize that it was literal!
Bexie1217:
Hermione!
Hermione:
Oh, very well, Ron!
Bexie1217:
Hmm…that is interesting…I guess…
Ginny:
What!
Fred: (aghast)
Are you saying we're not interesting?
Bexie1217:
Well-your answers, they were, sort of…predictable.
Draco:
Boring! I know. I wish it'd been someone else. As for me- it would have been cool if my first shag had been the Patil twins. At the same time!
Crabbe:
Huh..huh…huh
Goyle:
Grunt
Hermione:
Wow! Ron, I think we just found someone less sensitive than you!
Ron:
Yes! So…Hermione…wanna go shag now?
Hermione:
Never mind. I take that back. You are equally horrid!
Bexie1217:
Would you guys mind terribly if I-uh-used some journalistic license to make this story more interesting?
Ginny: (sarcastically)
No, by all means go ahead and toy with our love lives.
George: (sarcastically)
Oh, yes please!
Bexie1217:
Okay, so it's a rough idea but how does this sound:
Harry had sex with Pansy who did it with Fred who shagged Ginny- er no- you're related- wait, wait- okay, with Fred who shagged Snape, who raped Draco who…
Draco + Snape:
Hey!
Bexie1217: (not paying them any attention)
…deflowered Hermione who tempted Ron who found himself alone in class with McGonagall, who'd met up with Dumbledore, who'd shagged Ginny who'd always fancied George- no wait, I forgot to alternate Weasley's!
Harry:
So basically everyone has shagged everyone!
Ron:
Ugh! Does that mean that we've shagged too?
Draco:
Yes it does. But everyone in Slytherin thinks you two did it already. There was a rumor. I created it of course but…
Bexie1217:
No, but that makes no sense because then we've forgotten Lockheart…and Lee, oh and Alicia as well.
Hermione: (coolly)
Oh, yes, that really does ruin everything.
Draco:
Shut up, Granger. I kinda like this game!
Ginny:
Yes, well, you would wouldn't you.
Ron:
Always has been one for games.
Draco:
Yes, that is true, I guess. Ask the mudblood she knows.
Harry:
Hermione, what is he talking about?
Hermione:
Nothing!
Bexie1217:
Can everyone be quiet for a second! I think I've got it; I've just got to carry the last Weasley and subtract one Patil.
Draco:
Surely you haven't forgotten….remember that amusing little game we played the other night…with the ropes and the whipped cr------aaagggggggggg.
Harry and Ron and Draco start fighting.
Professor Dumbledore: (wistful)
Ahhhh! Young Love!
Professor McGonagall:
This is all highly irregular!
Bexie1217:
Alright! Cut it out you three! I've got it. Listen carefully, so we can get our stories straight.
Here goes (takes a deep breath)…
Snape and Sirius you've always had something going on the side-Sirius: McGonagall, McGonagall met up with Dumbledore, who shacked up with Lockheart who found Hermione who was seduced by Draco-joined by Ginny- who then hooked up with Lee, who rolled in the hay with Patil- who, in turn, toyed with Parkinson-then, Weasley- Potter-Weasley-Spinnet-
Harry:
Hey! This is starting to sound like a Quidditch game!
Ginny:
Yeah!
Draco:
Uh-huh- except with the quaffle of Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvvve.
Hermione:
Ugh! Disgusting!
Bexie1217: (panting)
Wait, I'm not done…
Potter-Weasley-Spinnet-Weasley-do I have all my Weasleys? Then Longbottom-Mimsy Porpinion-no that doesn't work- wrong century…Longbottom-Malfoy-Dumbledore-Snape, are we back where we started yet?
George: (bitter)
So wait, I lost it to Potter, who then found Patil? Or the other way around?
Ginny: (angry)
Oh, yeah and did I pleasure Malfoy before I met up with Snape or after, I just can't remember?
Bexie1217:
Well, George found Patil on her own and then had Lavender who then slept with Ron, joined by Harry... joined by George…no that can't be right!
Ron: (whispering)
Happy we cleared that up!
Bexie1217:
And Ginny slept with Malfoy but was interested in Longbottom who had a hankering for McGonagall who always fancied Ginny who gave it up to Luna- no- to…to…
Professor Dumbledore: (slightly amused)
Glad you got that out of your system?
Bexie1217:
Yes…pant, pant…yes.
Fred: (sarcastically)
Well, that really is a relief!
Bexie1217:
Yes, I am now quite convinced that this will make an excellent story.
Hermione:
But won't people find your written notes of our interview and know that it isn't true?
Bexie1217:
Oh, these? (Indicates paper on her clipboard)
Naaaahhhh! (Waves hand)
It's not like I would post these or something!
Draco: (sarcastically)
Just when I was worried for my reputation! You know some people think me positively virginal!
Ginny:
Who? The Giant Squid?
Draco: (blushing)
Er-no. My mummy!
Ron:
Haha! Well, she's about as wrong as can be!
Harry: (raises eyebrow)
Hey, Bexie1217, can I-er-ask you something?
Bexie1217: (blushing)
Oh...y-yes…of c-course… I mean, you're Harry Potter! You are like the hottest bravest wizard ever, please let me have your babies! (sigh)
Sirius:
Hahaha!
Harry:
Well, since you've asked us so many questions, I think it's only fair that we ask some.
Bexie1217:
I don't really underst-
Draco:
What Potter means is; it's your turn!
Bexie1217:
I really don't think-
Ginny:
Oh, come on…
Fred: (slyly)
We really only have one question to ask you.
George:
Yes, but it concerns a sensitive topic.
Hermione: (earnestly)
It would be REALLY hypocritical of you not to.
Ron:
You said yourself you weren't going to post your transcript.
Bexie1217:
Right, but-
Professor Dumbledore:
I always encourage my students to ask questions, go ahead kids!
Ginny: (taking on a professional air)
Alright, Miss Bexie1217, who was your first?
Bexie1217:
F-first?
Draco:
Don't play coy with us.
George:
Yes, we promise we won't tell.
Bexie1217:
T-telll….
Harry:
C'mon, you can trust us.
Sirius: (winking)
Absolutely!
Snape:
If she won't answer, there are certain methods of finding out.
Bexie1217:
But, I'm the reporter! I have a clipboard and a click-y pen.
Look!
(Clicks pen)
See!
Draco:
Don't pretend they don't have sex in the muggle world. You look like you've been around the block a couple of times!
Bexie1217: (insulted)
Well, how very rude of you! I'll have you know-
Fred:
Yeeeeeessssssssss!
Peeves:
Blows Raspberry
Ginny:
Continue…
Bexie1217:
Well…
Ron:
Uh-huh…
Draco: (laughing)
Look, if there's any kind of trouble I could-er-help you revise your answer, if you'd just step out into the hall for a minute- or fifteen!
Crabbe + Goyle: (snickering)
Huh, huh…huh
Ginny:
Bexie1217, we're waiting
George:
And Fred and I have another interview to be getting to.
Hermione:
So spill!
Lockheart:
Ooh! A spill! Everyone watch your robes! Butterbeer doesn't come out as well as you'd think!
Bexie1217:
Thank you everyone for the great interview, I r-really-er-learned a lot of-er important umm…
Professor Dumbledore: (amused)
Facts?
Bexie1217:
Er-right, facts, but I really should be going now and-
Ginny:
Oh no, you don't!
Harry:
You didn't answer!
Bexie1217:
Oh, and it was honor to meet all of you, I do hope we'll be able to do this again sometime and you won't all be angry with me becau-
Draco:
Oh ho! You're not leaving until you answer, missy!
Ron:
I won't, he, he, laugh or anything…he…he…HAHAHA!
Sirius:
The rest of us have plenty of time to spare.
Remus:
For some reason I find that even I am a bit curious to know.
Hermione:
I think she looks sort of smug.
Ginny:
You're right, she does!
George:
Why is she smiling?
Fred:
Yeah, why are you smiling?
Bexie1217:
Because I've just run out of transcript pa-
Okay, so I lied about posting the transcript!
I hoped you liked it.
Please leave a review.
xxx-Bexie1217