I am still working out what went wrong, and attempting to clean up the mess I started.

I am everything you told me I was (immature, conceited , impulsive, and selfish) is true and I hate that.

Yet again. I have managed to make worse what I intended to fix, and have hurt so many people.

I wish I could take it back...those words I chose to speak...what I chose to do.

You wouldn't know that though. No one would.

This is the one thing I keep to myself. To my friends and family I've moved on.

I don't know who I am without you. I don't know if I like who I am without you. No amount of coffee, sex, or other distraction will change that, or make me not miss you. I have tried.

So many times when I claim to be happy and in love I am thinking of you, and I want to call you and ask

"Can we start again… can we go on like it once was- could we somehow go back in time .. back to before everything fell apart?"

Yeah I'm technically " with somebody", but only because I miss you. Only to make you jealous. Only because I needed to prove to myself that you didn't mean as much to me as you do. Only because I needed to prove that someone else could love me. No one else comes close to you. You mean more to me than anyone I have ever loved.

Maybe if I had bent and you had swayed we wouldn't be where we are now...broken. I wish I had known what I know now- that I'm not as perfect and blameless as I want everyone to believe and even in all my imperfection and mess you wanted me. Your perfection intimidated me. I unfairly made you my salvation and resented you being that.

Love is messy. It's not black or white. You must be willing to change , to grow, to be selfless, to listen, to speak up, and to shut up. I'm sorry for everything I've done, but we're far beyond the point of "I'm sorry".

We are both far too proud.

I'm not too proud to admit I need you, and there's not a thing I would not do to have you back.

Not a thing in this world I would not do, and if you were to say those words...say that we could be mended… I would be at your doorstep before you could set your phone down.

Maybe it's vanity, but I have to believe you feel the same way. You were my best friend , and I have to hope that all that time wasn't wasted. As small of a chance as it might be, I have to dream that one day our roads will cross and again , and I'll find my way back to you.

When I saw you the other day... I hate to think it, but your next will get it right. Your next will love you more than I ever could.

If only I could pick up the phone. If only you would answer.

If only one day you'll wear your ring again.