(Small Drabble)
Lord Voldemort's Horcrux Hat
(It is Harry Potter's first day of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry and his name has just been called, meaning it is his time to be sorted. He walks up to the stool, and puts on the oversized hat.)
Hat: Hello Harry Potter
Harry: Er, Hi…Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.
Hat: Oh…what?
Harry: Not Slytherin…Not Slytherin…
Hat: And what the Goody Fuck is wrong with Slytherin, eh?
Harry: Not Slytherin…Not Slytherin.
Hat: What is it that you have against Slytherin?
Harry: Not Slytherin…Not Slytherin…
Hat: Okay, you know what, you're pretty much just pissing me off here.
(The hat surprises everyone by announcing "HUFFLEPUFF")
Hat: Nah, Just joking, I'm not really that mean.
(The hat calls out "GRYFFINDOR" and Harry just about shits his pants.)
Hat: No, I really am that mean, I'm part of the Dark Lord's freaking soul.
(The hat calls once more, "SLYTHERIN")
Hat: That's my offer, Potter, take it or leave it, or I'm declaring you a squib.
(Harry then takes off the hat and sulks over to the Slytherin table, soon to join the Dark Lord in his later years and have mad sex with Draco Malfoy, and probably become enemies with Ron Weasley, leaving Hermione to be a Ravenclaw all on her lonesome. All because he was in Slytherin.)
Siriusly.
And there is my story.