Notes: Man did this ever get away from me…. Inspired by this screencap on my tumblr (post/176973969338) since I can't actually put the link in.
Title from "Tomatoes" by Shane Koyczan.
seldom do we take the time necessary to pause; to stop; to record, rewind, and press play — Shane Koyczan, "Tomatoes"
You transfer to McKinley in grade ten, and the lady who gives you your locker number winces as she passes the small slip of paper to you across her desk. You don't quite understand her grimace, but your mom signs some forms and you smile awkwardly at the passing teachers and, just like that, you're officially a student of McKinely High School.
You already know what teachers to suck up to and who to avoid because your cousin is in his senior year and he has been prepping you for the halls of McKinely for at least the past month.
Your mom leaves and you're left clutching a schedule and your backpack and too many binders. The secretary directs you down the right hallways to reach your locker, and you head off for a new year in a new school in a new town and you wish you weren't so used to this. Your plan is to keep your head down until you graduate or move away, you think it will probably be the later considering your mom's track record of having the worst possible luck ever regarding work. You hope this place works out for her, but most unit clerks seem to be easily replaceable, and despite how crazy hard your mom works, it seems like budget cuts, and therefore employee cuts, always seem to target the new staff, and therefore your mom.
Your locker is a top one, which, score. The first bell rings and the hallway suddenly starts to move like it's alive, parting and closing without any rhyme or reason, and before you know it, there's two people on either side of you as you shove your binders into your locker.
You know these people from the Facebook pictures your cousin shoved under your nose, you know that they're two of the three people your cousin warned you the most about: Brittany Pierce and Santana Lopez, two of the top Cheerios at McKinley and, despite being in the Glee club and only juniors, two of the most popular students in the entire school.
They see right through you, and right then and there you make it your goal to remain completely invisible to them.
They're talking about some party someone named Puck is throwing (you keep your face blank so they don't realize you're listening to them, but you think it's kind of a dumb name). Brittany says something about lizard people and sewers and you see dimples out of the corner of your eye and you try to control your jaw dropping. You've heard your cousin tell hundreds of horror stories about Santana Lopez, the terrifying freshman and then sophomore who's legacy of being both a bitch and insanely protective of her best friend stretches as far as to the middle school, if your younger cousins' fearful awe is anything to go by. You've heard all these awful, horrifying stories about her, and throughout all of them you never, ever, imagined how soft Santana's face could get.
It sticks with you throughout your classes, something that you tuck away and turn over in the back of your mind while teacher after teacher goes through attendance and class rules and course outlines. You're still turning this new piece of information, so vastly different from what your cousin has told you, when they're on either side of you at the lockers again and you see Santana's dimples and soft eyes and you realize that this morning wasn't a fluke.
You're interested and curious and have about a billion questions but you're not stupid, you keep your ears and eyes open and your head down and you always see things over the years that no one else ever does.
You notice small things over the first couple weeks of school, like how Santana only smiles with those deep dimples around Brittany, like how Brittany says the weirdest things that only Santana understands no matter how long it takes her, like how they have matching backpacks which would probably look dumb on anyone else but somehow manages to look adorable on them, like how Santana rolls her eyes as Brittany links their pinkies but can't quite manage to hide the beaming smile on her face, like how they both soften only around each other despite how aloof and bitchy they are to the rest of the school, like how there's this bright fear in Santana's eyes whenever she catches herself looking at Brittany too long. You keep your head down and you notice all the small things.
You're pretty sure you realize they're in love long before anyone else does; long before even they do, maybe. You admire Brittany's patience when it comes to Santana, and you admire Santana's ferocity when it comes to protecting Brittany despite her fear, and you admire how obvious it is that they care more about each other than anyone else in their life, and you admire how obvious it is that they have found their soulmate already (and you feel just a hint of jealousy, but, like, the good kind where you're happy for them despite the fact that you want to find what they've found too).
Until one day you feel a heavy tension between them and you see how Santana still softens around Brittany but not in a happy way, like she's been forced to turn over and reveal her soft underbelly and she's just waiting for the killing blow. Brittany's eyes are hard and sad and you don't think you've ever seen that before, and Santana looks guilty and angry and like fear is eating her up from the inside and you don't think you've ever seen that before either.
Some boy in a wheelchair escorts Brittany to her locker that afternoon and there's something like surprise and guilt that flits over Santana's face before it settles on anger. But underneath all that anger in Santana's eyes as she glares at the boy, is pain you don't think you've ever seen in anyone before, it looks kind of like that look in your mom's eyes when your dad walked out on the two of you, but brighter and sharper, somehow, and you think it's because, while your mom expected that, Santana was completely blindsided by this.
Things settle down again, but there's still a weird tension between Brittany and Santana. They still soften around each other, but sometimes there's an edge there, something that you can't quite put your finger on but that worries you just a little bit.
Weeks go by and that boy in the wheelchair starts spending a lot of time around Brittany's locker, and you only notice how weird it is when you realize that Santana spends a lot less time around her locker now. Brittany genuinely seems to care about the boy, but you know it isn't even a fraction of what she feels for Santana, you know it because while Brittany smiles and laughs and looks happy around that boy, she never, ever, softens like she does around Santana; you kind of wish you could tell Santana that, but your relationship with the two Cheerios is as the silent locker neighbour, and it's far too late to change that, so you keep quiet and hope that they'll figure out how to work it out themselves.
Glee club wins Sectionals and it seems like things are almost back to normal. You still catch Brittany staring longing at Santana, and you see that bright, sharp pain in Santana's eyes whenever that boy in the wheelchair is around, but you can tell they're trying to put that weird tension behind them (you also know it doesn't quite work, you know it because you don't think it will ever go away until that boy in the wheelchair stops showing up at Brittany's locker).
And then, just as suddenly as things seemed to be getting better, things start to deteriorate. They quit Cheerios, and you never realized how much Santana relied on the protection her uniform offered until she's showing up in normal clothes and looking smaller than you've ever seen her. The circles under her eyes start to get darker and darker, even under the makeup she tires to hide them with. Brittany seems to get closer to that boy in the wheelchair and Santana is left floundering. You learn that, for how popular she is, there is only one person in all of McKinley she actually trusts and cares for, and your heart aches for her.
You know that Brittany knows too, how lost Santana is, how her eyes dull and her cheeks lose their fullness and how her dimples remain hidden and how the circles under her eyes get darker and how she winces every time Brittany gets too close. You also know how helpless Brittany feels, how caught she is between the boy she cares for and the girl she loves with her everything, how she's getting tugged in two different directions and the people on either side of her don't even realize they're doing the tugging.
They both look exhausted and defeated and like they really need a hug, Brittany from a tug-of-war only she realizes she's in and Santana from the ghosts she made herself that drip from her shoulders.
You stand there between them and ache at how much they're hurting. You've made a few friends since you started the beginning of the year, but none you're so invested in as you are in Brittany and Santana, and you know you're an outsider looking in, you know that you really only see what they want you to see, but you can't help but feel like there's so much more you could be doing to help them.
Before you know it, it's March and everything that's been building for months comes to a head. You see Santana approach Brittany from down the hall by that water fountain, and the stiff set of her shoulders and the small look on her face and the way she plays with her hands tells you that you should stay right where you are. But you can't help but watch out of the corner of your eye, you can't help but watch and worry and ache. You try to give them privacy the hallway doesn't really offer, but you can't help but stare as Santana flees down the hall with tears on her cheeks and Brittany stands at the lockers with tears in her eyes, and even though you can't actually hear it, you know that both of their hearts just shattered.
Santana doesn't show up to school for two days after that and you've never seen Brittany look so longing or sad before, and she looks at you with slightly hopeful, heartbroken eyes, and despite never having spoken to her before you know what she's asking. You slowly shake your head and guilt claws at the inside of your stomach as you watch that hopeful light fade from her eyes; you never realized how dull blue eyes could look until this week.
If you thought Brittany's eyes were heartbroken, it does nothing to prepare you for how shattered Santana's dark eyes are when she finally shows up. She's here early, far earlier than you've ever seen her, and despite how put together she looks, you don't think you've ever seen another person's eyes so cracked, until you remember Brittany's. You don't quite know what happened between them, except that it obviously had something to do with whatever you saw a couple days ago, and that it obviously has them so goddamn heartbroken. Santana stares at you defensively, but you can read the fear and hurt in her eyes, and you just give her the tiniest smile and she seems to relax, or, at least, she seems to realize you aren't about to go around and shout her vulnerability to the halls.
You hear quick footsteps behind you and you know who it is by the way Santana's face shutters closed and the way her eyes crack wide open. Santana's knuckles turn white where she clutches her locker and she closes it with more force than she probably intended. You don't know why you do it, but you fumble your binders and textbooks and pencil case and all of your school supplies go skittering across the hall. You know Brittany, at least a little, and you know that she'll stop to help you as you crouch and start gathering pencils and pens; Santana knows this too and she flees down the hallway. Brittany hesitates in front of you before dropping to her knees to help you gather your school supplies, staring longingly down the hall at Santana's retreating back with the most miserable eyes you've ever seen.
You don't know if you did the right thing, because somewhere throughout the months you've come to care for these two former Cheerios who are so obviously in love with each other, and you don't want to hurt Brittany in order to help Santana, but then Santana shows up at her locker that afternoon and offers you this small, half smile, and you know that despite your misgivings, you did at least some small thing right.
The next day, Santana shows up at her locker early again, long before Brittany gets there, and she keeps showing up early for a long time. She never says anything to you, and you return the favour, but she's started to give you those small, half smiles and you realize, somehow, you've earned Santana Lopez's trust. You take a small amount of pride in being one of maybe three people privy to Brittany and Santana being Brittany-and-Santana, and two of those people are Brittany and Santana.
Eventually, you get there one morning to find that Brittany has finally caught Santana at their lockers and you slow your steps, hesitating by that water fountain again and trying not to stare. You're pretty sure it's the first time they've spoken since that day at the lockers almost two weeks ago, and you are still hoping they will work everything out. You're not oblivious to how awful McKinley is to gay kids, but they're both just so damn heartbroken these days and it makes something ache in your chest too. It becomes really hard not to stare when Couch Sylvester walks up to them, but this time it's less to give them privacy and more out of fear for their current state of being alive. The facefuls of dirt they get makes you jump and you quickly try to hide yourself against the wall as Couch Sylvester storms past you. Brittany leads Santana off down the hallway, presumably to get cleaned up, and you're pretty sure you've never seen Santana look so lost before. Brittany's fingers are around her wrist and Santana looks a little bit hopeful and a whole lot nauseous; as they pass you, you offer Santana a half smile, and she tries to return it but it looks more like a grimace than anything, and then they're both swallowed in the crowd of the hallways.
(You cautiously step over the dirt and open your locker with fear pounding through your chest and find that, aside from a couple handfuls of dirt, your locker is clean; Couch Sylvester is good, you'll give her that, but she's also more than a little bit psychotic.)
The boy in the wheelchair still sticks around even after that, but you can see how Brittany's smiles never reach her eyes anymore. You kind of feel bad for him but not really because if he was blind enough to not see that Brittany and Santana will always be Brittany-and-Santana, or dumb enough to get in between them anyways, then he must either be the stupidest person in all of McKinley (a true feat, to be honest) or he must be a complete and utter masochist.
About a week later you show up to school late because you forgot to set your alarm, and you find the hallways pretty empty. You half-jog, half-speed-walk to your locker and stop short a couple feet away. There's bright red slushy covering the floor in front of your locker and your blood runs cold. You realize, now, that someone else knows Brittany and Santana's secret, and that someone is a lot bigger than you and a lot less discrete. It doesn't matter which one of the football players it is, not really, because you know Lima by now. You know that there's a reason you haven't really made any good friends here, and it's because all too often there's an enemy in every friend.
You step over the slushy and put your locker combination in and try not to wonder how cold Santana must feel right now, because you know that slushy hit Santana with the same sureness you know that Brittany must be somewhere trying to thaw Santana's face and heart, you know because no one at McKinley would ever dare to so much as think about slushy-ing Brittany, not with Santana still breathing. You put your backpack away and grab your second period binders and ignore the stickiness under your heel when you walk down the halls.
You watch Brittany break up with the boy in the wheelchair from the water fountain and you inwardly cheer because you know that something is changing, you can feel it in the air, and you feel it again, the next day, when Brittany and Santana show up to their lockers together for the first time in what seems like forever. Brittany's eyes are free of guilt and Santana's eyes are starting to mend along the fracture lines, and you could hug them both if it wouldn't be so weird.
Except you see prom king and queen posters of Santana Lopez and Dave Karofsky, of all people, later that day and your jaw drops because that's one thing you didn't see coming. Brittany comes up beside you in front of the poster and she looks at you and smiles and her eyes are sad and dull again and you know that she knows as well as you do that Santana is absolutely terrified, again. And your heart jumps in your chest because you get it, you do, because that same fear claws at your heart sometimes, but you also get why Brittany struggles to be so patient throughout it all. And you offer Brittany a half smile and she gives one in return and shrugs a little and your heart breaks for her. She's been pulled in two different directions for so long that you wonder if she knows what it's like to just exist and not feel whiplash. As you leave you touch Brittany for the first time, just a quick squeeze of her wrist, and she smiles at you and a little light reignites in her eyes and you feel a flash of pride.
You don't go to junior prom but— You hear the horror stories and it makes something in your stomach curdle and your mom lets you stay home from school the next day. She calls in sick for you and curls up on your bed with you and you watch movies you two haven't watched since you were both young and unburdened. Your mom makes you homemade chilli and you hide in her embrace and pretend that the world is a lot better than it is.
You drag yourself to school the next day and Santana gives you a half smile and there's a knowing glint in her eye that should make you afraid but it just makes you feel like you're understood. You give her a half smile back and you both dig through your lockers and pretend as if Lima isn't as terrifying as it is. Brittany shows up soon, and her smile is wide but her eyes are subdued, and she doesn't even try to link her pinky with Santana's as they head to their first period class; you're positive no one is more surprised than Brittany when Santana links their pinkies anyways.
They go to New York with glee, you know because you overhear their excited giggling, and you hope that they learn that there are places for people like them, places where they don't have to look over their shoulders every single time they hold hands, places where the entire town isn't staring at them and waiting for them to do something outside of what is normalized. You find yourself lonely in the days they are gone, and when they get back Santana is angry again. But before you know it, Brittany has already soothed her anger and Santana is soft more often than not these days.
The school year ends and, as you head for the front doors you pass Brittany and Santana. Brittany waves at you and Santana offers you that half smile of hers, and you return both gestures. McKinley isn't nearly as unbearable as you thought it would be, and your mom is doing better as one of the Lima hospital's unit clerk than you ever hoped she would. You go to your cousin's graduation and you cheer along with your little cousins when he crosses the stage and you grin a little because, despite his warnings, you somehow managed to kind of befriend two of the most terrifying girls at school, and now, all these months later, you find it kind of laughable that you were ever even a little scared of Brittany and Santana.
You go to California for week in the summer to visit your aunts and uncles and cousins, and you meet a boy who seems to have the sunlight trapped in his smile and you blush the entire trip. He was warm hands and bright eyes and his skin glows deep bronze in the moonlight. He makes you feel alive and, fleetingly, you wonder that if this is what Brittany and Santana feel, because then you really understand why they willingly go though all of that heartbreak this past year, if this is what's waiting for them at the end of it all, you have a feeling it's more than worth it. You get his number and you don't really stop texting at all for the rest of the summer and you feel floaty and bubbly and your mom's fond teasing makes you even happier.
You see Brittany and Santana at the Lima Bean one day, in the middle of August, and despite the fact that they aren't holding hands, you know something's changed. They're sharing a fancy milkshake and, when you pass their tables, you notice how their feet are tangled in the shadows of the table. Santana sees you first, and gives you one of those rare half smiles, the ones that got more easy and frequent as May faded into June, and Brittany waves at you as you stand in line and that floaty, bubbly feeling grows.
September creeps up on you, and before you know it your senior year is about to start. You still don't have any really close friends, but you find that you don't mind it so much anymore, not when you spent the year standing between Brittany and Santana. You only hope you get the same locker again, but you aren't too worried about it because, as you've learned this past year, fate has a funny way of working out.