Title: Reduced to This
Author: Angelic Dragon
Disclaimer: Don't own Newsies *dramatic sigh* oh yes don't own the song
either.
Warnings: Slash and Angst and language
Notes: Holy shit. I can't believe I wrote this. I haven't done this in like
3 years!!! I'm so proud of myself!!! This is the second time in my entire
writing career that I have started and completed a fic in under 3 hours.
Hell this is the 3rd time I finished a bloody fic!! Far from my first
Newsies fic but hey it's the first (and probably only) one to get posted.
Review if you feel the need, it's always nice.. I still don't believe it!!!
Song is "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessionals. Thanx go to
Linz who got me into their music but she'd probably kill me for writing
this AND mentioning her. *sheepish grin* don't hurt me! If it's really
horrible then feel free to flame because you've obviously at least found it
worth your attention! =^.^= Also I don't have a beta and its 2:21 I'm not
going to catch half the screw ups so get over it.. it could be much worse.
Much, much worse *shudder*
*~*I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home*~*
I almost can't believe I've been reduced to this. I stare into my glass, leaning heavily on the counter before me. I down the liquor, slamming the glass back down. I vaguely try to recall how many drinks I've had. 7? 8? It doesn't really matter. This is how I spend my nights; in some random pub until 3 A.M. drinking until I'm numb. At first my goal had been to forget but I passed out long before I could even be lucky enough to have a few hours of dreamless sleep. I've settled for numbing myself from the pain now. With about 3 more shots I won't feel this darkness eating at my soul every time I remember waking up at dawn in his arms. God he looked beautiful with the gold light of the sun reflecting off his dirty blonde hair. Then he'd wake and look at me with love, his good eye glittering like sapphire. I smile bitterly when I realize Joe has already refilled my drink. I toss it back, clenching my eyes closed as tears attempt to escape. The last time I cried was the night he told me we were through. I haven't gotten a true night's sleep since then. My bed just doesn't seem comfortable anymore. I think the only time I'll ever sleep is if I somehow end up back in his bed.. back in his arms. But that won't happen. We don't even talk anymore. I make sure of it. I don't think I could live through talking to him as if we were best friends unless I had at least 5 shots in me.
*~*I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.*~*
I sigh and stand from the bar, leaving 2-bits on the counter for Joe. It's only about 1 but he should be back by now. Back from his latest date with.. Annie? Alice? Erin? Whatever.. His new fuck-buddy. This girl he suddenly found and loved so much. I sway slightly as I walk down the block to the lodging house. I climb the stairs as quietly as possible. As I reach the bunk room I realize he's not there. Wonderful, perfect, just fucking great. I groan softly, falling onto my bunk. I hug my pillow to me, thinking of the first morning I woke with him in my arms. It was usually the other way around but somehow I managed to wake before the sun's first light had even grayed the dark city streets. I must have lain like that for hours just staring at him, this perfect angel in my arms. I open my eyes from the memories at the sound of high-pitched giggles from the street below. I creep to the window and low and behold there he is. That little bitch, Annie I'm pretty sure, is hanging all over him. He kisses her deeply and I'm suddenly taken with the urge to destroy something. I go back to my bed and drop down on it. A moment later I hear the soft creak of footsteps on the stairs. I lay quietly, staring angrily at the bed above me. He pauses for a moment and I could feel his eyes on me. He then just sighs and climbs into his bed.
*~*I'm reading your note over again
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."*~*
Ah now for my nightly ritual. I don't know why I torture myself with this every night. I quietly pull a rumpled sheet of paper from under my bed. I can barely see in the darkness but I know the words. I still don't understand any of it. 'I'm sorry but this is just too hard.' What was so fucking hard about loving me? Am I really that difficult? 'I don't want to hide anymore' I would've gladly told the others about us. But no, it was easier for him to just dump me and then have the gall to sign the lousy thing with 'I will love you always and forever.'
*~*Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone
Making out.*~*
I take the note and go to the window. I climb out onto the fire escape and sigh. Absently humming a melancholy tune I stare out at the city wondering. Does he ever miss me? Miss us? I don't know how he can do it. I know he still cares about me, if only the brotherly love we had back when things were simple. Back when we were just best friends. I wish I could just get over him. There are plenty of cute guys I could go out with but I know the whole time I'd just be comparing them to him. Why can't I just get the hell over him!?
*~*I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.*~*
Because I still love him completely and I know it must hurt him that we don't even look at one another anymore. He has to be hurting. I don't remember the last time I heard him laugh. Only when he's with Annie and then it's hollow. She's never heard him laugh like I have. She doesn't make him smile the way I did. She doesn't make him happy so why the hell does he keep pretending? It's like she's sucked everything I loved out of him. His cheerful smile and his eyes that used to glow when he laughed and God, he had a beautiful laugh and.
*~*I am alone in my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home*~*
Oh screw it. Get a hold of yourself, dammit! He's gone. He dumped you. Stop being so damn pathetic! I glace back into the room at the sound of creaking bedsprings but shrug it off. Someone must just be having a bad dream.
*~*I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have speak, and
This bottle of beast is taking me home.
Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.*~*
I yawn loudly. If only I could sleep. I suppose I could at least attempt to, if only to stop the others from worrying. Jack was questioning me yesterday. I guess my insomnia is getting a little obvious. I sigh heavily turning my gaze skywards. "Mush?" A voice whispers from the window. I freeze, it's him. "Mush. why don't you come in and get some sleep." I turn and glare at him no matter how much it hurts. "Since when do you care about my well being?" I hiss at him. He looks slightly taken aback. Well what did he expect? Me to go running to do as he told? His gaze falls to my fist and I realize that his letter is still clenched there. He opens his mouth as if to say something but I just turn my back on him. "Go back to bed, Blink." I murmur, a tear slowly trekking down my cheek. "I'm sorry." he whispers but turns away. A moment later there comes the squeaking of bed springs. Once I'm sure he's asleep I let myself cry for the first time since I first read this lousy letter. I almost can't believe I've been reduced to this.
*~*I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home*~*
I almost can't believe I've been reduced to this. I stare into my glass, leaning heavily on the counter before me. I down the liquor, slamming the glass back down. I vaguely try to recall how many drinks I've had. 7? 8? It doesn't really matter. This is how I spend my nights; in some random pub until 3 A.M. drinking until I'm numb. At first my goal had been to forget but I passed out long before I could even be lucky enough to have a few hours of dreamless sleep. I've settled for numbing myself from the pain now. With about 3 more shots I won't feel this darkness eating at my soul every time I remember waking up at dawn in his arms. God he looked beautiful with the gold light of the sun reflecting off his dirty blonde hair. Then he'd wake and look at me with love, his good eye glittering like sapphire. I smile bitterly when I realize Joe has already refilled my drink. I toss it back, clenching my eyes closed as tears attempt to escape. The last time I cried was the night he told me we were through. I haven't gotten a true night's sleep since then. My bed just doesn't seem comfortable anymore. I think the only time I'll ever sleep is if I somehow end up back in his bed.. back in his arms. But that won't happen. We don't even talk anymore. I make sure of it. I don't think I could live through talking to him as if we were best friends unless I had at least 5 shots in me.
*~*I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.*~*
I sigh and stand from the bar, leaving 2-bits on the counter for Joe. It's only about 1 but he should be back by now. Back from his latest date with.. Annie? Alice? Erin? Whatever.. His new fuck-buddy. This girl he suddenly found and loved so much. I sway slightly as I walk down the block to the lodging house. I climb the stairs as quietly as possible. As I reach the bunk room I realize he's not there. Wonderful, perfect, just fucking great. I groan softly, falling onto my bunk. I hug my pillow to me, thinking of the first morning I woke with him in my arms. It was usually the other way around but somehow I managed to wake before the sun's first light had even grayed the dark city streets. I must have lain like that for hours just staring at him, this perfect angel in my arms. I open my eyes from the memories at the sound of high-pitched giggles from the street below. I creep to the window and low and behold there he is. That little bitch, Annie I'm pretty sure, is hanging all over him. He kisses her deeply and I'm suddenly taken with the urge to destroy something. I go back to my bed and drop down on it. A moment later I hear the soft creak of footsteps on the stairs. I lay quietly, staring angrily at the bed above me. He pauses for a moment and I could feel his eyes on me. He then just sighs and climbs into his bed.
*~*I'm reading your note over again
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."*~*
Ah now for my nightly ritual. I don't know why I torture myself with this every night. I quietly pull a rumpled sheet of paper from under my bed. I can barely see in the darkness but I know the words. I still don't understand any of it. 'I'm sorry but this is just too hard.' What was so fucking hard about loving me? Am I really that difficult? 'I don't want to hide anymore' I would've gladly told the others about us. But no, it was easier for him to just dump me and then have the gall to sign the lousy thing with 'I will love you always and forever.'
*~*Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone
Making out.*~*
I take the note and go to the window. I climb out onto the fire escape and sigh. Absently humming a melancholy tune I stare out at the city wondering. Does he ever miss me? Miss us? I don't know how he can do it. I know he still cares about me, if only the brotherly love we had back when things were simple. Back when we were just best friends. I wish I could just get over him. There are plenty of cute guys I could go out with but I know the whole time I'd just be comparing them to him. Why can't I just get the hell over him!?
*~*I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.*~*
Because I still love him completely and I know it must hurt him that we don't even look at one another anymore. He has to be hurting. I don't remember the last time I heard him laugh. Only when he's with Annie and then it's hollow. She's never heard him laugh like I have. She doesn't make him smile the way I did. She doesn't make him happy so why the hell does he keep pretending? It's like she's sucked everything I loved out of him. His cheerful smile and his eyes that used to glow when he laughed and God, he had a beautiful laugh and.
*~*I am alone in my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home*~*
Oh screw it. Get a hold of yourself, dammit! He's gone. He dumped you. Stop being so damn pathetic! I glace back into the room at the sound of creaking bedsprings but shrug it off. Someone must just be having a bad dream.
*~*I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have speak, and
This bottle of beast is taking me home.
Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.*~*
I yawn loudly. If only I could sleep. I suppose I could at least attempt to, if only to stop the others from worrying. Jack was questioning me yesterday. I guess my insomnia is getting a little obvious. I sigh heavily turning my gaze skywards. "Mush?" A voice whispers from the window. I freeze, it's him. "Mush. why don't you come in and get some sleep." I turn and glare at him no matter how much it hurts. "Since when do you care about my well being?" I hiss at him. He looks slightly taken aback. Well what did he expect? Me to go running to do as he told? His gaze falls to my fist and I realize that his letter is still clenched there. He opens his mouth as if to say something but I just turn my back on him. "Go back to bed, Blink." I murmur, a tear slowly trekking down my cheek. "I'm sorry." he whispers but turns away. A moment later there comes the squeaking of bed springs. Once I'm sure he's asleep I let myself cry for the first time since I first read this lousy letter. I almost can't believe I've been reduced to this.