Chapter One- An Olive Branch

October 1969

"Oooo-l-i-v-i-a…" Olivia Martin looked down at the page in front of her, scrutinizing the letters she'd spelled out very carefully with a bright green colored crayon.

"Time far bed angel." Jude smiled, leaning her head against her daughter's bedroom door as she wiped her hands on a dishtowel from the kitchen.

"Mommy look, look I did it!"

"What'd ya do Livie? Let me see." She said, reaching for the paper with one hand as she pulled back Olivia's covers with the other.

"I wroted my name, see, like Mary Eunice taught me! Look Mommy! I can spell now!" Olivia squealed as she climbed into bed.

Jude tucked her in and then sat on the side of the bed, beginning to look down at the work her daughter had done.

"It's perfect sweetheart. I'm proud of ya, I'll hang it on the fridge." Jude leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Good night baby."

"Night, ni- Mama… Mommy?"

"Yes."

"I want a story."

"No, no it's a little late, remember I let ya stay up so you could color for a little bit, but tomorrow ya can have as many stories as ya want."

"Pleeeeese!" She squealed, Jude sighed.

"Alright, but a short one Livie."

"Why is Olivia my name?!"

"Um." Jude smiled. "Now that is a good question. Ya remember in Sunday school when we talked about olive branches, they mean peace."

"Hey that sounds like Olivia!"

"Yes my angel it does." Jude smiled back, rubbing her nose against her daughter's, causing her to giggle. "Olivia means peace of the olive tree or branch, and it brings fruitfulness, so good things, and beauty." She beamed, cupping her little girl's cheek in her hand. "And dignity, so…respect." Jude tried to convey the terms in words that she thought her five-year-old might understand. "I wanted yar little name ta mean all of those things."

"Those are good things." Olivia smiled, considering this very carefully, most of the meaning in her name lost on the little girl, but its purpose was renewed in her Mother's mind.

"They're lovely things." Jude giggled. "Now it's really time far bed Olivia," Jude kissed her daughter's cheek and switched to the other, going back and forth with each word, "peace, beauty, dignity."

Olivia giggled wildly and Jude smiled, kissing her daughter's forehead one last time before getting up and crossing the room. She turned off the light, ready to close the door.

"Mommy." Olivia interrupted. "Why don't I have a Daddy?"

Jude paused. She put her head down, clutching the edge of the doorway, trying to gather her strength. She turned the light back on and took an audible breath before turning back to her little girl.

"Not everybody has a Daddy honey." Jude said, sitting on her daughter's bed again. "Mommy didn't."

"Nuh-uh Mommy! Everybody has one. Ya need a Daddy ta have a baby." She whispered as if she were telling her Mother a secret she wouldn't know. Jude smiled in spite of her sadness.

"Sometimes honey, things happen between Mommies and Daddies." Jude said slowly. "And they can't be tagether anymore angel. And that happened between me and yar Daddy. He went off far his job."

Olivia pouted and the sad look on her face made Jude's heart sink. Olivia put her head down, wanting to ask why she didn't make some difference to him or to them collectively. Her tummy began to hurt. Jude grabbed her chin and kissed her cheek, tucking her in again.

"Don't worry about anything angel. Yar Mommy loves ya more than anything in the whole world and more than enough far all the Mommies and two Daddies in the whole entire world." Jude kissed her girl again and quickly walked back to the door, turning off the light.

"Good night Mommy." Olivia said sadly.

"Good night my little baby."

Jude sighed, placing her hand on her chest as she shut the door, her heart ached.

"Everything alright Jude?" Mary Eunice inquired from her place on the couch where she sat studying, her school and art books strewn across the coffee table haphazardly.

"Livie asked about her Daddy." Jude looked down.

"Oh…Jude…" Mary said quietly, not really knowing what to say. She took off her glasses, placing them back on one of her books and looked back up at her friend. "Jude I…"

"I don't know what I'm supposed ta say." Jude began, placing her face in her hands, slowly sinking onto the couch next to Mary Eunice. Mary watched Jude as she sat there. She reached over to comfort her and began to rub circles in her back. "She's only just turned five, I thought I had more time far this, befare she'd ask me..."

"It's not your fault you know." Mary consoled.

"I know." Jude whispered. "And if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been in the position ta help ya when ya needed me most…when we left Briarcliff together."

"Do you want me to cancel my date tomorrow night so we can…"

"No, no, go out have fun." Jude sniffled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand as she stood up and crossed the room.

"Are you sure?" Mary asked anxiously.

"Yes Mary, yar only young once. Go and have fun." Jude continued toward her bedroom without another word.

"Good night Jude." Mary said sadly as Jude simply shut her door.

Mary sighed, also feeling sad about this entire thing. In addition for her sorrow for her friend, it took her mind back to a horrible time in her life she didn't want to think very much about. Jude crawled into her bed, collapsing into the sheets like a rock falling on the ground: she felt almost dead inside. She knew, of course, that her little girl would ask about her Father one day, but she hadn't been prepared to hear the question so soon, when the child was too young to understand and the wounds were still fresh.

Jude closed her eyes, sniffling as she turned over in bed and buried her face in her pillow. It was then that she realized she was crying. Jude scolded herself for her tears and dried her eyes again, trying to wipe away any shred of evidence that she'd been upset.

"No, no, ya've got ta be strong." She whispered to herself, settling into her pillows. "Don't let him bring ya anymore pain Jude."

Jude closed her eyes tightly but the listlessness of impending sleep would not come. Finally she succumbed to what seemed like endless awakeness, opening her eyes and allowing them to begin to focus as she stared into her pitch-black bedroom. Jude lye there alone in the dark with her thoughts and her demons, she could almost see them dance around her bed, tumbling around in the depth of the night…it wasn't until that moment that Jude realized she wasn't hurt for herself, but for her little girl. This time, he would crush her all over again, not because of what she'd lost, but because he would crush Olivia.

Peace. Fruitfulness. Beauty. And Dignity. Olivia Faith Martin certainly was the embodiment of all of those very good things. The little girl didn't deserve to be crushed, or hurt or thrown out like a piece of trash by someone who didn't want her and wasn't good enough for her anyway. Jude smiled to herself for the first time since she'd gone to bed. She was so proud to be Olivia's Mother. The little girl was everything she could ever hope for in a child. It brought great joy to look into her little brown eyes and sweet face everyday and clearly see the man who'd Fathered her. Sometimes, Jude didn't think she was sure of anything anymore. But if there was one thing in her life she could count on to make her happy, it was that Timothy Howard would never know the joy of being Olivia's Father.

….

"Mary Eunice, why do ya live with Mommy and me?" Olivia asked.

It was early, and the leaves hit the ground gently, seeming to authenticate the brisk fall morning. The sun was barely up but it was still an hour after Jude left for work. Mary Eunice was walking Olivia to school, as she did every morning. Olivia tiptoed along the edge of a little brick wall cautiously placing one Mary Jane clad foot in front of the other, her arms spread out at her sides as if she were flying. Mary was kind of nervous about her walking on the wall. The little girl was clearly trying hard to maintain her balance and she looked as if she were going to fall. Jude would kill her if she fell.

"Because Mommy and I are good friends, in fact she was almost like my Mommy before you were born, and she and I needed a new place to live at the same time." Olivia already knew this but Mary decided to explain it again.

"Around the time I was gonna be born."

"Around the time you were going to be born." Mary said, lifting her off the brick wall and putting her back on the ground.

Mary Eunice wondered why Olivia was asking all of these questions. She and Jude had lived together, raising Olivia since before the girl was born and she'd never known anything different than that life. The three made an untraditional, but happy family. Jude was the Mother, Olivia was the child, and Mary's role fell somewhere haphazardly between big sister, daughter, friend and nanny. Olivia had no idea how this piecemeal family came to be, or that her Mother and adopted older sister had once been Nuns.

"And Mommy decided I needed a big sister?" Olivia smiled up hopefully. She took Mary's hand as they stopped at the crosswalk.

"And she decided you needed a big sister." Mary giggled. She had had many sisters growing up, but if she had to pick a favorite, it was by far, Olivia.

"I want ya ta go to my school." The kindergartener said randomly. "That would be really fun!"

"It would, but I don't think they let adults go to kindergarten." Mary smiled.

"Well then can I come ta yars?!"

"No Livie." Mary laughed. "College is big people school sweetheart."

"Oh…"

By now they'd crossed their last street and were walking onto the school's grounds. They were no longer alone. The place was noisy and flooded with parents and hoards of children running everywhere, trying to get out their last little bursts of energy before they were confined indoors for a whole school day.

"Okay, good bye Livie. I'll pick you up at the end of the day, okay?" Mary said, adjusting the little girl's navy beret and kissing her cheek.

"Okay Mary. I lub you." She walked up a couple of the school's steps then turned back to Mary, almost eye level with her.

"I love you too."

"Whose that, is that your Mommy and Daddy?" Another little girl asked.

Kate was a girl who had been playing with Olivia at recess for several days. She'd just been dropped off too and came and stood beside Olivia on the school steps. The two little girls watched as Mary ran across the street and took the arm of a handsome, dark-haired young man who'd been standing there waiting for her.

"No." Olivia sighed. "That's my big sister and her boyfriend. They go to college."

"Oh…what about your Daddy, my Daddy brings me ta school."

Olivia paused. These questions about her Father were new and she'd been getting them for several days, since she'd started kindergarten

"Oh." She said quietly, deciding to say what she always said. "I don't have one."

"Why not, what happened to him?"

"I don't know." Olivia said, she'd never thought of this before and the idea would stick with her for the rest of the day.

"How are you this morning? I brought you coffee." Mary's boyfriend, Mark asked, kissing her cheek, causing her to smile brightly.

"Thank you Mark." She squeezed his hand, taking the coffee he'd brought with her free one. "I'm so glad you're willing to meet me at the school everyday after I drop of Livie, it's so sweet. I know, it's stupid, I'm afraid to walk alone."

"I don't mind going to the school, before and after, she's a great kid! And as for you, it's not stupid honey, not after what happened to you." He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in tight to him.

"I'm so happy you're so understanding. I'm lucky to have met you." She beamed.

"Anything for you Mary, anything for you." Mark laughed, kissing her forehead.

Mary sighed. She hadn't felt totally safe in years, not until she met Mark. He'd changed her world. Life was so different now than it had been when she was a Nun, and of course, than in had been the last few years…this relationship was something she never could've imagined. Both of them were Art and English majors and had met in a Poetry class. Mark was funny, sweet like Mary, and loved Jude and Olivia too. But now Mary wondered if perhaps her boyfriend's presence was triggering questions in little Livie's mind about why there was no man in her Mother's life.

…

Jude boarded the bus earlier than usual that morning, still bothered by her little girl's comments from the night before. She closed her eyes as she sat in her usual seat, trying to put the child's upsetting quandaries out of her mind so she could have a pleasant workday. Jude had a good job as the head secretary in a legal office and made a decent living, one that enabled her to support all three of them and even help Mary Eunice with college a little bit.

It was the kind of job she could've only dreamed of before she became a Nun. She'd left Briarcliff desperate, pregnant and fearful that she wouldn't find work that she, Mary and the baby would struggle to survive. To her surprise, her time as head administrator of Briarcliff was impressive to employers and turned out to be the key to a better life for her and the girls. Jude leaned her head back against the seat, letting out a deep breath as the bus took off down the road, her eyes still closed.

"Are you alright today?" Came a kind, questioning voice that caused Jude to jump.

"Oh, Andrew it's just you!" She laughed, catching her breath.

Andrew was an acquaintance of Jude's who she knew from riding this particular bus. The two had been friendly for several years, almost as long as Jude had had this job. They were the kind of friends who knew a lot about each other, save very personal details. For example, they knew each other's habits as passengers of this bus. If one wasn't there for many days, the other would become concerned. Often, one would save a seat for the other. Jude knew that he was in finance and from London. He knew she had a daughter. And yet they did not even know each other's last names.

Jude enjoyed her daily time with Andrew because it was a purely fun, unattached relationship devoid of complication, responsibility and thank the Lord, the possibility of romantic entanglement. The two would laugh, joke, talk about life and go their separate ways. It was just what she realized she had always needed. He was a comforting presence for her. Something about him was mysteriously familiar to her and she'd never been able to figure out what it was even after all this time. Best of all, she had always felt, as though he was watching out for her somehow. They'd first met, one sweltering June afternoon, a few months after she got her job. At the time, she'd been very pregnant with Olivia and on the hottest days of the summer, he would always give up his seat for her on the bus and make sure she got back to her apartment building safely.

"Yes it's just me." He laughed. "Are you sure you're alright Jude, you look rather down in the mouth." He pointed out. Jude smiled, looking over his shoulder as he continued to peruse his paper, only half paying attention to her.

"The financial section no doubt?" She inquired. "Let's see industrials are…"

"Of course Jude, it's my business and my life! Really though, you seem quite glum today, almost disparaged. What's the matter?"

"Oh it's nothing, it's just somethin' my little girl asked me last night."

"What is she now, seven, eight?" Andrew was a kind but somewhat inattentive businessman.

"No." She laughed. "It hasn't been that long, she's only five."

"Five? My how they grow up quickly!"

"She's five and I don't know…I guess that's the problem with what she asked me, it is amazing how quickly they grow up. "

"Parenthood sounds rather complex…I'm so thankful my children are stocks and bonds and numbers…" He smiled, beginning to fold up his paper.

"Oh are ya?" Jude asked, her disappointment in this statement coming off very clearly. "I knew someone who thought that once. That a job met more than family or love or…"

"Of course it doesn't!" Andrew laughed. "People mean most. And children are the most important people." Jude sighed, happy to hear this from her friend. "It's why I take public transit, and always eat lunch out…because people mean a lot to me."

"Me too." She smiled.

"Anyway, I'll see you in a few hours, have a good day Jude." He smiled, getting up when the bus stopped.

"Bye Andrew."

It was simple, almost indirect conversation, but somehow, Andrew never ceased to make Jude feel better about anything and everything she'd ever discussed with him. He made her look on the bright side of things, and to her that was true friendship.

….

"Alright, bed time Livie." Jude smiled, coming into her daughter's room just as she had the night before. Tonight it was raining outside. Olivia liked the rain and had been sitting with her doll looking out the window at the street below.

"But Mommy you said that tonight could be story night, it's Friday!" In just a few short weeks of schooling, Olivia had already learned that Fridays were the most important days of the week.

"Yes, that's right." Jude admitted, beginning to close the curtain. "It is Friday and like Mommy promised ya, it's story night."

"Yay!" Olivia squealed, climbing hurriedly into her bed before she was even asked. Jude laughed and sat down on the edge next to her.

"Alright, what would ya like ta hear about?"

"Mommy, why are Mary and Mark giggling?" She asked.

Jude paused she could hear Mary and Mark laughing on the couch. She wasn't sure what they were up to but she thought they'd been making out. Jude felt that the relationship was very good for Mary Eunice, and she didn't care what they did in the house as long as Olivia didn't see too much. The two were very careful about that.

"You're precocious, ya know that?" Jude smiled.

"What's that mean?" She asked.

"It means yar a little girl who asks big questions."

"Oh!" She smiled, proud of the new term used to describe her.

"Anyway, what do ya wanna hear about?" Jude asked.

"Mommy…what happened ta my Daddy?" Jude sighed, frustrated but not at all surprised that she'd brought this up again. Jude supposed she could now recall asking her own Mother equally painful questions about her Father's whereabouts and intentions at precisely the same age.

"Sweetheart, we talked about this last night, I told ya…"

"You told me why he went, kinda but not where….Mommy did he leave me cause he didn't like me enough?" That was probably the girl's biggest fear.

"No, no honey it's nothin' like that." Actually it was in a way. Timothy had not wanted a child.

"Please tell me about him, please…" She practically begged.

"Alright."

Jude sighed, figuring she deserved to know something of the man who'd been half the reason she'd come into the world. Jude quickly decided on telling her a few innocuous points about her Father.

"He was a man Mommy loved far a very long time, ya have his eyes." Olivia smiled at this. "And his hair…but Mommy's smile." Jude smiled at this thought, loving that she got to look at her own smile on the little girl instead of his.

Olivia was merely excited to know she had her Father's eye and hair color, the brunette little girl had long wondered why she wasn't blonde like Mommy and Mary Eunice.

"What does he do? My friend Kate's Daddy works in a hospital."

"That we can't talk about angel." Jude said.

"But Mommy ya said that's why he left."

"I did and we can't talk about it Livie, ask me somethin' else."

Olivia pouted. Jude had decided to wait until she was a teenager to tell her about how she and Mary Eunice had been Nuns, and that her Father was a Priest, well, a Cardinal now…it was just not something a little girl could fathom, especially one who'd just started kindergarten at a Catholic school. And more so, it wasn't a secret a little girl should have to live with keeping: it was a burden Jude didn't want to give her. Little Olivia already had so many burdens and she just didn't know it yet.

"How about we talk about something other than yar Daddy."

"No, I want to know more Mommy." She said, jumping as thunder stuck outside. "Where did ya meet him?" She persisted.

Jude reached over and turned off the light on her daughter's little nightstand. She sighed, crawling in bed with the girl and laying down, opening her arms for her to snuggle into her embrace. Olivia gladly did so.

"Yar sleepin' here Mommy?" She asked excitedly, burying her face in her Mother's chest.

"Yes." She said.

"Why?"

"Because I wanna be close to ya." She said.

In reality, the girl's questioning about her Father made her Mother sad and lonely in a way she often tried to pretend she wasn't. Even after five and a half years without him, Jude still missed Timothy and lamented the way that things had ended between them. Jude didn't want to speak of him anymore that night and so instead of talking she lye there in the dark, quietly rocking her little girl. Jude hummed a soft lullaby to Olivia that quickly got the talkative little girl sleepy.

"Ya know why I named ya Olivia, really?" She asked as Olivia's eyes closed. "Because part of yar name means olive branch, or peace, and that's exactly what yar Daddy and I needed: an olive branch."

Jude kissed her little girl, hugging her tight once she'd finally fallen asleep. She sniffled allowing her tears to flow freely onto her sleeping child, and lye there closing her eyes once again, happy to not be alone tonight and to have Olivia in her arms.

"I love ya Olivia Martin, more than the whole world. And at one time, I loved yar Daddy too."